A darling inquirer connected with me on skype at our usual hour. She was in her hot, tropical, southern hemisphere…me in my cool, wet, green pacific northwest.
She had begun her personal facilitated inquiry with me because her career felt boring, blase. Like coasting.
She wanted more excitement, accomplishment, and pleasure in her life. And she had a really good-paying job and a nice house.
But she was stuck between imagination of this bigger, dreamier, exciting future….and feeling like she didn’t want to ruffle things up too much, shake her stable life too loose, burn out, have no free time.
“I get home after a long day’s work, I think about writing my book, making more money, visiting foreign places, connecting with friends….but then I feel tired. So I eat. And watch TV. And research on the internet.”
I wondered if she was afraid of something. Stuck between doing and not doing. Not liking this here, the way it is, and not liking what she might have to do to get away from this conundrum.
Fear can sometimes show up in subtle ways.
Nothing huge has to happen. There’s no trauma, no explosion, no dramatic change.
But there is a holding on, wanting guarantees, not liking it to get too uncertain or precarious…..
….like for me when my part-time job had ended, and it looked like I would need a full time job instead. Because I might be getting a divorce.
I couldn’t live on part-time income (IF I wanted to pay for my house, car, phone, groceries and heat).
I was sitting in my living room. The couch was an old brown, run down worn couch that was a fancy Brazilian furniture designers couch in the 1960s, in my parents’ house.
Now I was living on the borrowed, hand-me-down furniture from the same house in which I grew up. It used to be designer. Now, it was threadbare and uncomfortable.
Like my thinking.
I really should have planned better financially.
I should have gotten a job sooner, after giving birth to my kids. I should have picked a career more clearly. I should have gone to medical school like I considered. I shouldn’t have been too nervous to go to med school, or too much of a mess. I should have not been so innocently relying on other peoples’ incomes, like my soon-to-be-former husband.
The thoughts of self-criticism and all the ways I might have prevented this predicament piled up on me like a mountain of garbage.
You’re an idiot. You’re too mean. You’re too critical, bossy, lazy, opinionated.
If only you weren’t so flawed, you wouldn’t be in this position.
Ouch.
My client had many volumes of thoughts about herself being lazy, worthless, insignificant, small, a failure, pointless, wrong, immature, burdened.
Just like me and my own thoughts….they’re like a fire hose and full volume, all aimed at protecting and preventing pain.
Back then, sitting on that old 1960s couch wondering if I could sell it….I had The Work questions, thank goodness.
I asked myself, or it just came to me because I was doing The Work a lot, “who would you be without these thoughts of self-hate?”
Without trying to stab myself with a knife (with mean words) who would I be, right now, knowing I wanted more money….or a more exciting life, a more adventurous life, an untethered life, a more creative life?
Stop and think about it.
When I asked my client this thought….she was very quiet for a long time.
“I would sit here and wait, I guess. I wouldn’t have an inner battle with doing and not doing. I would be more relaxed. I would notice that I like many things in my life, and think about doing more.”
Without the thought that I am incapable, or unworthy, or stupid…I feel very innocent. I feel like I absolutely love this moment, this day.
Strange, but without the thought that I should have prevented this moment, that where I am is my fault, I’m more in the present.
And how do I treat this universe, my world, the way of this reality, when I do not buy those self-flagellating thoughts?
If I couldn’t believe that I am a bad person, in any way, or that I can’t handle what’s happening, that I’m not enough for myself…I notice that my whole entire body and nervous system relaxes.
“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens…..You can’t force this process; you can only inquire and find out what’s true.” ~ Byron Katie
My client breathed a very deep breath and considered who she would be in that moment upon arriving home after her work day without the thought that she should work on her book, or she shouldn’t feel tired, or she should DO something different….or that she should be less critical, more loving, careful, brave.
Laughter rose out of her, and we were both laughing.
The following week, she reported that for no apparent reason, she had worked a total of six hours on her book, cleaned out her closet, bought a vacuum replacement part, looked at maps of San Diego where she had thought about moving for years, and eaten less.
She had also thoroughly enjoyed watching some TV.
“Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie
Who are you, without the thought that you have to do something, be someone, think something, say something, feel something DIFFERENT than you feel….in order to be “good” and earn your own love?
I know I keep sayin’ it…but if you want help with this from month-to-month with a small group with facilitation to keep you looking at what you dislike in your life, including YOUR (APPARENT) FLAWS…come join Year of Inquiry.
Much love,
Grace