In Summer Camp right now, people have been noticing a very powerful (and sometimes extremely stressful thought): I need to do something about myself.
I need to stop feeling x, reacting like y. I need to be better than this.
I’ve had this awareness with fear of other people I don’t know very well, wishing I weren’t so shy or reserved, wishing I hadn’t said something a certain way, wishing I were more willing, natural and not-nervous.
This past weekend, I was at my 40th high school reunion.
How very odd to consider the number 40. Ideas form of how long that is, four decades. And in other perspectives it’s less than the blink of an eye, geologically speaking.
A white board was put up with markers to write names of those who have died.
38 names were written in green that people had added all evening during the event!
A friend came from New York to attend, spending 24 hours in town. Another friend intentionally made her annual visit from Sweden to correspond with the night, so she could be there. Beautiful conversations.
Some faces were completely unfamiliar. Good thing we had name tags.
I felt a lot of joy, noticing how much more comfortable and easy it has become to be human since age 17 and 18–so curious about others, wondering where people live and what they think about or do, what’s unfolded in their lives?
The quarterback of the high school team came in with his bright smile, his wife arm in arm with him. I remember how I was waaaaay too shy to speak to either of them back in school.
What made me nervous long ago (or if I ever am today)?
Thinking thoughts, and believing them.
A rising up of fear almost without words: they won’t like me, I’ll say something stupid, I’m not as good as him or her, they’re more successful, they don’t want to talk to me, I have nothing to offer, they think x about me, I think y about myself…..
Is any of that the truth?
No.
Some of these outcomes are possible….but are they so frightening?
People are scary.
True?
No.
How do I react, even now, when I get a whiff of that feeling of nervousness about the unknown, meeting someone new, speaking to a group of strangers, wondering who I’ll see at the event, offering an introductory workshop somewhere unknown?
I feel a buzzing within. An alertness.
If I think there’s danger of “failing” I might have images of how it could go.
Badly.
Who would I be without this belief?
Excited. Curious. Ready to be in the moment, honest, real, open-hearted.
Turning the thought around: People are not scary. My thoughts about people are scary! I am scary to people!
Any of these could be just as true, or truer. I notice without a thought about people, their scary-ness, their reaction, their faces, their words….I love them all.
I also love this feeling within, the one who is full of feelings, chaos, wonderings, unknowns about the future…being whatever this is to be a human right now showing up as the one who is apparently named Grace Bell.
Not a green written name on the board, not the one who graduated from highschool 40 years ago, not the one with x problem right now.
Just Here.
“Consider a smile. First think of a deliberate smile, the smile you produce when you think you should–for instance, for a photo. That smile is useful in some ways. It’s designed to be kind to others, like Secretary Appreciation Week. Now think of a smile that happens by itself. This smile can’t be produced on purpose, it can’t be faked, and there is no instruction book for creating it…..Even if it is seldom allowed to see the light of day, you know that this smile is somewhere inside you ready to burst out. It comes from an enjoyable conversation that you have with yourself.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
And I realize, this is my heart’s desire. To watch the world move with this one as a part of it, in every which way, and experience life with no rules, plans, must-haves, control.
Simply to feel life being lived here, without anything required.
What is here besides thinking and self-inquiry about the thinking?
Pure gift. An astonishing story.
Wonder.
TOMORROW August 1st Noon-1:30 pm PT: Join me for Ten Barriers That Derail The Work…and How To Dissolve Them. An immersion into challenging our ideas about The Work not “working” with five exercises, four foundational elements I’ve found help support my work (this life) and all ten barriers. Register here.
When you sign up I’ll make sure you receive information about the final sessions offered of Ten Barriers at the end of August, before Year of Inquiry begins in September. At the end of every Ten Barriers workshop online, I share about the Year of Inquiry outline and what it’s like.
Curious about Year of Inquiry? Jenni shares about her experience in The Work and life unfolding, with laughter:
Much love,
Grace