With your phone if not connected to internet dial +1 408 638 0968 US.)
I know things are intense for some of you, and you may even feel afraid of being afraid.
I have a friend of a friend who was fighting for his life with the virus in ICU in California. Fifties, great athletic condition, non-smoker. Now recovering.
A couple who owned a popular restaurant here where I live (near Seattle) both died of the virus last week. I didn’t know them, it’s in the local news.
I just received the written work of one of the amazing Year of Inquiry members.
(Year of Inquiry as you probably know is a group that gathers together for an entire year online to practice and deepen The Work in live zoom calls, writing on a forum, sharing a different topic each month, pairing up)….
…..but this YOI member….she’s got it.
The Virus.
Hospitalized, frightened.
And what did she do?
She noticed her fear. She noticed her mind going insane with anxiety and pain about what was happening. And then….she did The Work.
She sent her work in writing to me, she shared on our forum, people in the group were so moved.
Her thought?
“I’m going to die this week”.
A terrifying thought. The body fills with adrenaline. Images are rapid fire of dying, not being able to breath, seeing children living without a mother, a partner living without a mate, ventilators getting removed and a dead body left.
I personally don’t like imagining not being able to breath either. I can see the picture of it, being the one unable to take a breath. Terrified. Freaking out about what will happen next.
What is your worst fear about this virus, or really, about anything in life?
It seems like this virus thing is kicking up the muck, the greatest fears, on the bottom of our consciousness: I won’t survive. This is dangerous. I have to work hard to be safe. There’s no way out.
Don’t we all think this about life sometimes (or maybe…often)?
I won’t have/I don’t have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.
I notice when having this orientation of sheer terror or upset thinking about a threat….the reaction is MORE fear.
The mind says “Let’s shut this down! Don’t think about it! Think of something positive, quick! Run away! Play dead!”
Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Maybe a combo of all three. You may already know your usual defensive patterns.
You need to stop thinking about the terrifying events possible in the future. You need to fix your mind ASAP. You shouldn’t be having this experience, even of thinking.
Is it true?
Oh. Right.
The Work! I almost forgot. Heh heh.
Is it absolutely true, it shouldn’t be happening–even in the mind?
Is it true I shouldn’t notice and sit with my thoughts? Is it true I shouldn’t be having such desperate thoughts in the first place?
No. Not true.
I’ve had a ton of thoughts that never manifested, and horrifying thoughts and images, throughout my life…and I’m still here, sitting in a chair at the moment.
Oh, you too?
Nothing actually came true. Not even from movies I saw about a story that WAS true (and is no longer happening, and I can’t know it was true to be honest).
And believe me, I’m not saying it’s easy to notice this, or trying to diminish your sense of no safety. I’m not saying terrifying things didn’t happen that set you off. They did.
This is about the thinking and imagining that happens after the “horrible” event. The thing that labeled it as horrible, without question.
For example the movie Apocalypse Now which scared me half to death and then made me cry with the grief of it when I first saw it long ago.
Or Bambi. When I saw that movie when I was about seven it was the first time I realized mother’s can die. Seriously, it was awful.
But not true that seeing these movies was a bad idea. Or that recognizing fearful thoughts meant I shouldn’t have them.
I also notice my worst thinking was the subject of The Work, and sitting with it brought immense unexpected freedom. A brilliance I can’t describe.
Definitely not true I shouldn’t even think about the worst that could happen, let alone experience it.
What happens when I believe: “This threat shouldn’t be happening! This is unsafe! I’m dying! They’re dying! I won’t have enough!!!” And then on top of it, I should also NOT be thinking fearful thoughts?
Fear. Anxiety. Images. Horror. Worry. Sleeplessness. Hate. Anger at This Mind. Freaking Out.
I notice what I believe a fearful thought means. It means it’s true and it’s possible. It means something worse, something more terrible will happen in “real” life. You know, later on, in the future. That “real” place. (Ahem).
Feeling fear means agonizing suffering, for me and/or for other people. It means non-enlightenment, wrong-ness, abandonment. It means the universe and reality is very, very unfriendly. God does NOT have my back or anyone’s back.
Yikes.
It really is a horror show and crushingly terrifying.
So. Deep breath.
Who would I be without the belief “I don’t have enough, I won’t have enough, this is totally dangerous?! AND I shouldn’t be thinking this in the first place!”?
Wow. Holy Moly.
Just the willingness to pause for a second and set that thought down that there is no way out and it’s a devastating horror show?
Yes. Pausing. Letting the thought be here.
Something expands. Something is underneath all that fear, dread, disgust, terror. Something surrounds it.
Like it is there, the horror, but it’s inside something greater. The boundaries aren’t so harsh and hard.
Thinking is happening.
Something other than thinking is also happening.
Noticing there’s air in the room right now, and I’m not having trouble breathing in any way whatsoever in the moment.
Now, noticing wind chimes and the sun beckoning to come outside.
Without the belief that thinking a fearful thought is bad, and so not having enough later on in the imagined future is bad, and feeling fear is bad….
….I notice a little dance of humor.
Maybe for you this is going a little too far. Humor?
What? Seriously?
Maybe it’s heartbreak you notice.
What Is doesn’t seem like your preference.
You’re not in favor of the thought….but it’s OK for it to be here. Because it is here.
Something feels lighter without the belief I need to be against fear, and jump into defense mode, reaction mode, terror mode.
I’m willing.
I’m willing to sit here for a moment without the belief I have to get rid of my thinking.
I’m willing to sit here.
I’m willing to apply the four questions, but not with a motive. Not with a plan that it will get rid of my thinking….although it might.
I just notice self-inquiry is the only thing I really can do that offers true peace without force or control.
Turning It Around:
I will have/I do have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.
It’s enough. I’m surviving. I’ve always survived so far. I’m alive. I can relax.
It’s OK that I am thinking a dreadful thought. It’s just a thought, after all.
Can I notice how safe I am, even while I think of the future in terrifying ways? I’m breathing. I’m surviving. My mind is active and interesting. I’ve got the four questions. I’m willing.
I am willing to think terrible thoughts. I am willing to be afraid. I am willing to notice.
I look forward to thinking terrible thoughts. I look forward to being afraid. I look forward to noticing.
Being human. Nothing more, nothing less.
“Every time you try to change someone, you’re trying to change someone who doesn’t exist. They only exist in your own head. People can only be who you believe them to be, never more.” ~ Byron Katie
This includes ourselves.
Finally, this amazing inquirer shared her inquiry a few weeks ago. She didn’t get “enough” of something….and notice how she discovered what was really true for her.
You can also listen to this episode on itunes and most audio apps or download it here.
These sessions are offered as open no-charge sessions for people wanting to do The Work in exchange for public sharing. While all the sessions filled immediately when I first opened them up to scheduling, some people have needed to switch their time. Take a look here if you’d like to do The Work and be a part of the peace movement for others to benefit. Thank you.
Much love,
Grace
2 Replies to “Questioning the worst that can happen starts with being willing to notice the thoughts”
Hi Grace!!
Thank you so much for your commitment & sharing every Friday!!!! It was wonderful this morning & the community who gathered were so supportive & kind!
Xxxxooo
I love your beautiful work! Thank you for your willingness to bring it. –Much love, Grace
Hi Grace!!
Thank you so much for your commitment & sharing every Friday!!!! It was wonderful this morning & the community who gathered were so supportive & kind!
Xxxxooo
I love your beautiful work! Thank you for your willingness to bring it. –Much love, Grace