With your phone if not connected to internet dial +1 408 638 0968 US.)
I know things are intense for some of you, and you may even feel afraid of being afraid.
I have a friend of a friend who was fighting for his life with the virus in ICU in California. Fifties, great athletic condition, non-smoker. Now recovering.
A couple who owned a popular restaurant here where I live (near Seattle) both died of the virus last week. I didn’t know them, it’s in the local news.
I just received the written work of one of the amazing Year of Inquiry members.
(Year of Inquiry as you probably know is a group that gathers together for an entire year online to practice and deepen The Work in live zoom calls, writing on a forum, sharing a different topic each month, pairing up)….
…..but this YOI member….she’s got it.
The Virus.
Hospitalized, frightened.
And what did she do?
She noticed her fear. She noticed her mind going insane with anxiety and pain about what was happening. And then….she did The Work.
She sent her work in writing to me, she shared on our forum, people in the group were so moved.
Her thought?
“I’m going to die this week”.
A terrifying thought. The body fills with adrenaline. Images are rapid fire of dying, not being able to breath, seeing children living without a mother, a partner living without a mate, ventilators getting removed and a dead body left.
I personally don’t like imagining not being able to breath either. I can see the picture of it, being the one unable to take a breath. Terrified. Freaking out about what will happen next.
What is your worst fear about this virus, or really, about anything in life?
It seems like this virus thing is kicking up the muck, the greatest fears, on the bottom of our consciousness: I won’t survive. This is dangerous. I have to work hard to be safe. There’s no way out.
Don’t we all think this about life sometimes (or maybe…often)?
I won’t have/I don’t have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.
I notice when having this orientation of sheer terror or upset thinking about a threat….the reaction is MORE fear.
The mind says “Let’s shut this down! Don’t think about it! Think of something positive, quick! Run away! Play dead!”
Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Maybe a combo of all three. You may already know your usual defensive patterns.
You need to stop thinking about the terrifying events possible in the future. You need to fix your mind ASAP. You shouldn’t be having this experience, even of thinking.
Is it true?
Oh. Right.
The Work! I almost forgot. Heh heh.
Is it absolutely true, it shouldn’t be happening–even in the mind?
Is it true I shouldn’t notice and sit with my thoughts? Is it true I shouldn’t be having such desperate thoughts in the first place?
No. Not true.
I’ve had a ton of thoughts that never manifested, and horrifying thoughts and images, throughout my life…and I’m still here, sitting in a chair at the moment.
Oh, you too?
Nothing actually came true. Not even from movies I saw about a story that WAS true (and is no longer happening, and I can’t know it was true to be honest).
And believe me, I’m not saying it’s easy to notice this, or trying to diminish your sense of no safety. I’m not saying terrifying things didn’t happen that set you off. They did.
This is about the thinking and imagining that happens after the “horrible” event. The thing that labeled it as horrible, without question.
For example the movie Apocalypse Now which scared me half to death and then made me cry with the grief of it when I first saw it long ago.
Or Bambi. When I saw that movie when I was about seven it was the first time I realized mother’s can die. Seriously, it was awful.
But not true that seeing these movies was a bad idea. Or that recognizing fearful thoughts meant I shouldn’t have them.
I also notice my worst thinking was the subject of The Work, and sitting with it brought immense unexpected freedom. A brilliance I can’t describe.
Definitely not true I shouldn’t even think about the worst that could happen, let alone experience it.
What happens when I believe: “This threat shouldn’t be happening! This is unsafe! I’m dying! They’re dying! I won’t have enough!!!” And then on top of it, I should also NOT be thinking fearful thoughts?
Fear. Anxiety. Images. Horror. Worry. Sleeplessness. Hate. Anger at This Mind. Freaking Out.
I notice what I believe a fearful thought means. It means it’s true and it’s possible. It means something worse, something more terrible will happen in “real” life. You know, later on, in the future. That “real” place. (Ahem).
Feeling fear means agonizing suffering, for me and/or for other people. It means non-enlightenment, wrong-ness, abandonment. It means the universe and reality is very, very unfriendly. God does NOT have my back or anyone’s back.
Yikes.
It really is a horror show and crushingly terrifying.
So. Deep breath.
Who would I be without the belief “I don’t have enough, I won’t have enough, this is totally dangerous?! AND I shouldn’t be thinking this in the first place!”?
Wow. Holy Moly.
Just the willingness to pause for a second and set that thought down that there is no way out and it’s a devastating horror show?
Yes. Pausing. Letting the thought be here.
Something expands. Something is underneath all that fear, dread, disgust, terror. Something surrounds it.
Like it is there, the horror, but it’s inside something greater. The boundaries aren’t so harsh and hard.
Thinking is happening.
Something other than thinking is also happening.
Noticing there’s air in the room right now, and I’m not having trouble breathing in any way whatsoever in the moment.
Now, noticing wind chimes and the sun beckoning to come outside.
Without the belief that thinking a fearful thought is bad, and so not having enough later on in the imagined future is bad, and feeling fear is bad….
….I notice a little dance of humor.
Maybe for you this is going a little too far. Humor?
What? Seriously?
Maybe it’s heartbreak you notice.
What Is doesn’t seem like your preference.
You’re not in favor of the thought….but it’s OK for it to be here. Because it is here.
Something feels lighter without the belief I need to be against fear, and jump into defense mode, reaction mode, terror mode.
I’m willing.
I’m willing to sit here for a moment without the belief I have to get rid of my thinking.
I’m willing to sit here.
I’m willing to apply the four questions, but not with a motive. Not with a plan that it will get rid of my thinking….although it might.
I just notice self-inquiry is the only thing I really can do that offers true peace without force or control.
Turning It Around:
I will have/I do have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.
It’s enough. I’m surviving. I’ve always survived so far. I’m alive. I can relax.
It’s OK that I am thinking a dreadful thought. It’s just a thought, after all.
Can I notice how safe I am, even while I think of the future in terrifying ways? I’m breathing. I’m surviving. My mind is active and interesting. I’ve got the four questions. I’m willing.
I am willing to think terrible thoughts. I am willing to be afraid. I am willing to notice.
I look forward to thinking terrible thoughts. I look forward to being afraid. I look forward to noticing.
Being human. Nothing more, nothing less.
“Every time you try to change someone, you’re trying to change someone who doesn’t exist. They only exist in your own head. People can only be who you believe them to be, never more.” ~ Byron Katie
This includes ourselves.
Finally, this amazing inquirer shared her inquiry a few weeks ago. She didn’t get “enough” of something….and notice how she discovered what was really true for her.
You can also listen to this episode on itunes and most audio apps or download it here.
These sessions are offered as open no-charge sessions for people wanting to do The Work in exchange for public sharing. While all the sessions filled immediately when I first opened them up to scheduling, some people have needed to switch their time. Take a look here if you’d like to do The Work and be a part of the peace movement for others to benefit. Thank you.
Sometimes, there’s great fear put forth about why the rules are in place: Don’t go there! Watch out! Be careful! Never, ever, ever go down that street! Worry about this! Be afraid, very afraid!
This is the attitude I heard, and began to adopt starting pretty young (childhood): Be afraid. Be very afraid of food. Certain types of food are bad and evil. Sugar, candy, bit-o-honey, bread, chicken skin.
People are easily susceptible to overeating, gaining weight, being fat, being ugly, being rejected, appearing as weak.
WATCH OUT.
You must be very, very, very careful NEVER to go down that road, and control yourself…..lest you fall into rejection and have a black mark on your soul.
Yikes.
But I’m not kidding.
In this mindset, we get fixated on needing to appear successful and show up beautiful and forever eat the “right” and “good” foods.
The comparison becomes intense. It’s vital I look a certain way, in order to be safe and connected and seen as a good citizen, good family member, good daughter.
The problem is, it’s a fairy tale, and no way to live when it comes to food and eating, if you want to enjoy yourself.
It’s so important to question this bitter and frightening story that food is a dangerous mine field, and put it to rest.
You can regain your sense of inner peace and personal authority.
Who would you be without the belief that some foods are against the law, you need willpower, you have to control what you eat, or there’s something horrifying about eating? What if there was no Law Book or Bible of Eating and dieting?
What I discovered, is as I remained calm and questioned what I most feared about eating, about food, and about life outside of food and eating….I found laughter, curiosity, peace, and power (in a good way).
Without our stories about food, eating, emotions and ourselves and our potential (to fail, especially) we find eating peace.
There’s very mild fear, exciting fear (amusement park fear) and there’s horrifying fear.
Some of us are fans of the first type of fear while others are not, but none of us really enjoy the second type of fear, when the volume is turned up to a ten on the emotional level.
I used to be so against fear, I’d do anything to set the world up so I wouldn’t feel it. Including not leave my house.
The problem is, something wise within knows you can’t ever be guaranteed to be “safe” if you define safety as not feeling strong emotions, not feeling threatened, and not every getting sick, hurt, or dying.
All those things will happen. They mostly already have.
And why is fear so very important to study when it comes to our strange or off-balance eating behavior?
Because it’s present more often than we realize when we eat in ways that don’t feel peaceful. Fear, in many forms. It could be anxiety, worry, upset, nerves, discomfort–large or small.
It arises out of our fearful thoughts about eating (and really about life).
Fear-inducing thoughts go like this:
I’ll never get to eat this again
I might be hungry later
I’ll miss out on something pleasurable
I’m too fat
Stopping is sad, disappointing
I don’t want to think about “x” and I will think about it if I stop eating
Thinness isn’t safe
The world is a dangerous place
people can hurt me
I need more sweetness in my life–this moment is sour
there’s no easy way to find rest
I hate that there’s no guaranteed safety
I have to store for a “rainy day” (bad things happening)
I am not safe
If I stop eating, I’ll have to do things I don’t want to do
I need to grab it while I can–pleasure is scarce
These are thoughts distilled down to basic commentary in the mind we have going about food, eating and our bodies.
And they don’t feel good.
But here’s the good news: they’re not even true.
That’s why they’re creating FEAR in the first place!
Step One: look and see the fear. Become aware of how your thinking is creating a sensation or experience, no matter how small and fleeting, of fear.
When we question our thinking, we can see other ways of thinking and being with food that aren’t threatening.
It’s easy for me to say my kids are a breeze. My son’s 23 and my daughter turns 21 in two weeks.
They appear to be so independent, friendly, clear about what they like, exploring possibilities in the world.
And I have days and weeks where I don’t see them physically in the same room and there’s not one request for my attention or help.
I remember longing for this freedom and the ability to rest when they were toddlers. It felt like this would never, ever, ever come again.
When I look back at that time….I realize I might have lifted a huge load of weight from my early mothering experience if I had known I could do The Work.
I could have questioned my thoughts like:
I don’t have enough time
I am responsible for their happiness
I need to do this alone (without other moms, for example, to hang out with)
I can’t leave them
I’m the only one who knows exactly what they need
they need to never suffer
None of these were true. They were incredibly stressful thoughts to think.
But here’s one of the most interesting things about my list of worries, complaints, concerns, hopes or dreams for my children: When I boiled it down, I did not trust reality.
But is it true that life will hurt your kids?
Think about the plights that people go through: loss, injury, disease, death of others, war.
Every human goes through “loss” of all these kinds when living life.
These are painful. They hurt. These events cause suffering.
Is it absolutely true? Are we sure?
I can’t be sure anymore.
I’ve sat in The Work with other people and with my own torments and found, shockingly, repeatedly, that awful things are survivable. I’ve found that happiness can flower even after horrible things have occurred.
How do you react when you believe life will hurt (see mental list of bad things that can happen)?
I’m afraid. I’m cautious. I use a lot of energy to prevent my kids from suffering. I say “yes” to them when I really do mean “no”. I clench inside if they wail. I see pictures in my head of bad things happening that I’ve heard about in the movies.
I worry.
One night, before I knew of The Work….I had an interesting experience of fear.
My then-husband, 3-year old daughter and 5-year old son had been in our new home for about six hours. Dusk grew to dark. We’d have our first sleep in our new place.
Boxes were stacked in every room. My then-husband and I were cutting them open, heavy into the unpacking process, making beds, fussing about from kitchen to living room to office to closets.
Finally, it was way past time to put out the lights and start a new day tomorrow.
I glanced in at my five year old son, in his new bedroom, already building a lego set in a small space on the floor surrounded by cardboard boxes and stacked furniture.
I made my way down the hall to my little daughter’s new room with a lavender wall and said “OK, tiny, let’s get your PJ’s on!”
She wasn’t there.
I called her name. No answer.
My husband was putting clothes into our dresser in our room. No daughter in there with him.
We began calling her name. My son came running.
The main kitchen door had been left standing open as it was a gorgeous Pacific Northwest summer night. It exited to the carport and the dark strip of woods between us and our neighbors, beyond.
I rushed through the door and called my daughter. My heart started beating faster and the tension to rise. I spun back into the house thinking it was impossible she’d be outside, so unfamiliar. We started looking under every table and in every room. I was literally running through the rooms, and then back outside again with a flashlight calling her as I shone the light into the woods, retracing my footsteps.
Soon the neighbors were helping us, with their flashlights. They looked through the entire house as well, and asked us all the same questions “When do you remember last seeing her? What was she wearing? Does she wander as a three year old–is this normal for her?”
Finally, feeling nauseated with fear….we called the local police.
Our first night in the new beautiful house. What a terrible omen. This is so horrible. I felt choked up.
The police arrived in 3 minutes. (It turned out the police station was 2 blocks away).
Two officers came in with their blue uniforms and said they’d like to take a look through the entire house first before doing anything else.
I was wringing my hands, thinking of kidnappings, or my little three year old fallen down the hill in the woods, sick with clammy sweat, my mind filled with terrible images.
I was saying things like “I’m so stupid” to myself, “I should have watched her closely in this new neighborhood” and “I can’t believe I left the door open” like the very neighborhood itself was suddenly a bad place and I should have been aware of it.
I followed the policemen down the hall and stood watching them look through every nook and cranny we had already examined: the closets, under the bed, behind and inside cardboard boxes on the floor, the dresser drawers.
As we entered my daughter’s new little bedroom, almost the last room to check, I saw a huge pile of all her stuffed animals dumped in the corner….and one of them moved.
Instantly, I felt ridiculous.
She had shifted while sound asleep under her stuffed gorilla, her favorite monkey, about five stuffed teddy bears and multiple beanie babies of all shapes and sizes.
The policemen said that 98% of the time with lost children, they’re only sleeping somewhere strange.
Jeez.
I tell this story, because my mind went absolutely ape-sh*t as we used to say, with visions of horror.
It was so very unnecessary.
Nothing happened except in my imagination, in my thinking.
But when I consider these types of fear-riddled moments, I see they came out of the belief “the world is a dangerous place”. That there’s loss. The world takes things I love away from me, including my children. There’s not enough to go around. One has to be very careful.
What has been profoundly helpful, is to go back to everything I’ve ever thought of as frightening that actually DID happen (supposedly), and to write down all my thoughts about that experience and take them through the four questions and turnarounds.
As I’ve looked at the “worst” things that ever happen to people in life (and sometimes that’s all it took to scare me is hearing third hand about stories)….
….I keep finding it’s not as bad as I thought. Ever.
Even if they’ve actually happened. I really mean it.
“One thing I love about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
Who would you be without your stressful story of danger lurking out there in the future?
“Don’t lose your place. Don’t press Enter. Don’t log on. Only look. Observe. Stay with it. There’s a witnessing of this. Keep quiet. You may feel a lot of energetic noise. Your eyes go blurred in so many directions. But you are just the awareness within which this movement happens. Don’t judge. Don’t interpret. Keep quiet….Identify the presence that watches without boundary, and you’ll come to a point of complete stillness.” ~ Mooji
I notice things come, and things go. Including life itself. In the very moment of birth, death is inevitable.
Who are we without our fears?
Let’s keep finding out. It’s so much better than the alternative. It’s so much better than suffering, suffering and suffering.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Today at 3:00 pm facebook to talk about the strange turnarounds for “the worst that could happen” becoming “the best that could happen”……Join me on the page here.
Despaired woman accounting looking into the camera in the living room
Speaking of turnarounds.
About two months ago I received an unexpected bill. For about ten times the amount I originally expected. GULP.
What??
I kind of coughed and said to myself, well OK. I guess this is required so we’ll just move forward if we’re seeing this house project through. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip!
(I love those English sayings; perfect expressions showing a stressful belief or two is running. Plus it’s basically my historical roots. Stiff upper lip = do not allow any quivering to show in your lip that may suggest sadness, crying, or breaking down with emotion in the slightest way)!
But then.
A new and different thought appeared.
I shouldn’t be paying this bill all by myself. Someone else should help me.
Gosh. Who would be helping me on my house project? There’s only one other person who lives at said house.
My husband.
(Poor man).
But he can’t afford to help with this bill. He should not be a teacher. He would make more if he had a different job. It’s all on me. Waaaaah. Poor me. I’m burdened.
It was about that mature, too.
How did I react when I believed I have to do everything (huff) when it comes to this bill?
Resentful. Seeing pictures of me being depended on, relied on. Not wanting the lead role, preferring the escape-artist role. Wanting to un-do my commitment to this project that created this bill in the first place.
Goodbye cruel world that demanded all that unexpected money from me!
Um. Yes. Kind of dramatic.
So who would I be without this very stressful belief, where I thought I was a Big Fat Victim doing it All Alone?
Without the beliefs my husband should help me financially with this bill, the bill shouldn’t even be this high, and I have to do this project all alone and drain my bank account?
First of all, I’d be noticing my bank account is not drained because of this bill.
Let’s just get that straight immediately.
Next, without the beliefs I can’t do it alone, but I have to, but I want help, and he should help me….
….I’m suddenly just….here.
Woman thinking about a bill. Seeing it’s not an emergency, it’s simply unexpected. Woman with questions about the bill. Woman not panicking and running screaming to husband (person closest to her).
My husband is so optimistic and kind, and yet I could tell my hissy fit took him aback a little. Maybe a bit sad that I suggested he needs a different job.
Sigh.
Without my belief that I’m alone in my purchases, I sit with the issues of money, choices, preferences, questions, bills, bank accounts, and notice how fast I go to fear when I see large numbers on bills.
Who would I be without the belief that money is what I need in this situation?
Oh. Right.
I’m calmer. Awake. Not grabbing the nearest person and pulling the underwater with me in my panic.
Turning the thoughts around:
I don’t have to do this alone, I’m choosing to pay this bill and trade money for a great project. No one has to help me. My bank account isn’t closing because of this bill. This is exciting, creative, thrilling. No need to pull the man I live with into the concern in a frightened way–I can talk with him calmly and ask his advice if I want.
This situation is safe.
The bill gets paid. A pen wrote some numbers on a piece of paper and it got mailed. Nothing else actually happened.
But even if you have a situation where it’s not possible to pay an apparent bill….notice the safety that’s still present in this moment. Free air to breath. Water to drink. Fed. Clothed. Alive.
It was my thinking that was alone, my thinking that needed more money/support, my thinking that paid for everything and my thinking that brought a big payment of suffering to me.
I didn’t need more money, I needed more inquiry.
Thank goodness for inquiry.
Because once I entered the world of questioning if my fearful thoughts were true, I saw it was an inside job, I felt no more demand or plea to my husband, and I had a few questions to ask from the company sending the bill.
There was a Living Turnaround: I wrote an email, the company responded almost immediately addressing every question, and I had a far greater understanding of the overall picture and future expectations for billings.
What a relief I gave myself.
I still felt the “yes” of this project and the joy of being a part of making something different that apparently requires money and payments and bills….and this flow is all very exciting. And safe.
It was my thinking that was ten times bigger than originally expected. It ballooned into a ginormous dark cloud of future not-enough-ness and resentment.
Over a piece of paper.
Haha!
If you want to come join me to do The Work on another common stressful belief, head over to my facebook page(WorkWithGrace) tomorrow morning, Saturday April 14th at 8:00 am PT. Hit reply to this email to share a thought you’d like to hear questioned. Let’s do The Work.
So Much love,
Grace
P.S. The 7th Great Parenting Show with Jacqueline Green (a fabulous inquirer in my Year of Inquiry program) is underway, and I got to tune in today and was fascinated with Dan Siegel and Brad Yates speaking about fear and cultivating presence and safety–helpful for all of us (including EFT). You can watch interviews for free over the ten days by signing up here.
One of the greatest contributors to off-balance food, eating and hating your body is fear.
Not only does everyone feel fear at some points in life, but we also feel afraid of fear!
At least that was the case for me. I felt afraid, and I also felt afraid of feeling afraid.
Good heavens, that’s a hard orientation to have towards fear. I had to run, hide and duck constantly!!
The way I did that of course, was to eat. Secretly, quickly, sneakily. I didn’t eat out in the open (if I did, I was very, very careful).
But my fear itself caused a huge resistance to looking at fears, whether I felt terrified or even only a little nervous.
I wanted to either put my head in the ground like an ostrich and try not to think fearful thoughts OR I wanted to run, eat frantically, and isolate.
I really did not feel anyone would ever understand me or care about me if they really knew me and my fears.
When I felt listened to, accepted and loved anyway, that’s when I began to feel more free with food and eating and my body image. I no longer felt worried about being rejected and cut off, or that love would be withheld from me.
What do you feel afraid of?
I’m reading and listening here.
I’ve created an anonymous survey where you can feel comfortable answering questions around fears and dreams, and inner conflicts. It means so much for me to read what you share.
Your answers contribute to all of us accessing the peace we all crave so deeply, especially around compulsive eating behavior that seems so persistent and crazy and disappointing.
To answer the questions, click HERE. Very grateful for your honesty and sharing.
First Friday open call for everyone is this Friday December 1st at 7:45 – 9:15 am Pacific time. Join HERE.
Wow, people are flying in and making AirBnB reservations nearby, or staying with friends, or commuting to Seattle December 8-10. Because of time of year, last-minute prep and the lower expense of having it right in my own cottage, the fee is only $195 for Friday 9:30 am through Sunday noon.
If you’d really like to come Friday all-day only, you’re welcome for $95. If you’re experienced in The Work and want to come Saturday afternoon only 12/9 from 2:00-6:00 let me know, there may be room to make this work. To join us in what will surely be an inner adventure, sign up HERE for all 3 days. Hit reply if you have any question or see a different arrangement working for you.
I can’t wait. I love what’s possible when you allow new ideas to pop in and unfold–which is this retreat itself. I love someone’s coming from California, and another from the east coast. What a time to do The Work, in this wet, dark, rainy atmosphere when sometimes Other People and The World can be daunting.
For example.
I saw an old familiar sort of post the other day on facebook, with a deeply troubled objection to The Work. Or perhaps the objection was to the world, to life, to what is seen by the mind.
I totally get what Byron Katie is telling us … “it hurts when I argue with reality” … but sometimes it is so hard to even imagine not arguing with the horrors that are happening all around us and the immeasurable suffering involved. Much of the time it feels so cynical. (FACEBOOK post)
Someone else then chimed in that she thinks of sex trafficking, abduction, drug use, slavery…and how could anyone ever say to victimized children that they should love what is?
My heart sunk in the sadness of the approach, and the misunderstanding. I hope no one ever says to someone suffering deeply “you should love what is”.
Actually, someone doing their own inquiry work, I can’t imagine being able to say it. It would be so opposite of compassion, unconditional care, or doing The Work–which is an Inside Job.
And ONLY an inside job.
But I could feel the despair in what these people wrote.
It’s a profound wondering to look out into the world, that appears to be filled with destruction, environmental change (I just learned since 1970 the world’s wild animal population has been cut in half), mass shootings, war, violence, starvation, pollution, poverty, anger, suffering, unkindness….
….and hold what we see up against the powerful phrase “loving what is.”
Are you telling me to love THAT?!
Fortunately, what I’ve found is no one is ever telling me anything.
All The Work is….is four questions.
I have to be the one doing the actual work of inquiry. I get to find out if I love what is, or don’t love it, and the true deepest meaning of “love” and how to sit with reality even when it breaks my heart.
I get to see that there is no division of the world cut into evil and good, love and hate, life and death, terrible and wonderful.
Everything is all mixed up together….all the time.
When I do The Work one thought at a time, slowed down, considering and contemplating each individual situation I’ve noticed I’m arguing with, is the outcome isn’t my old definition of “love”.
I’m opened, in a new way, to what is. My heart is broken open sometimes. It’s not exactly soft, friendly.
Once I thought I heard Byron Katie say “I’m asking you to go into hell. This is not easy.” Although I’m not sure of the quote.
And yet it’s my experience. The Work isn’t for sissies. We’re going to hell. On purpose. (Or because if you’re like me, you’ve tried absolutely everything else and you have no other choice really).
Questioning the destruction or brutal nature of incidents, of things that frighten me like disease and death, fighting and violence….
….this process called The Work does not lead to passivity.
It doesn’t lead to me knowing what anyone else should do or not do. It does not lead to me needing something from other people in order to be happy, or living alone in a bubble.
It doesn’t lead me to pure detachment, or thinking no one or nothing else matters in an apathetic kind of way, or a resigned way. I find apathy and resignation to feel stressful, and therefore worthy of inquiry of course.
But let’s see. Hmmm.
The only way I know to work with a stressful thought?
The Work.
The people on facebook and all those who think doing The Work means standing and looking at other peoples’ suffering without action, without caring or attention….
….they should understand they’re mistaken.
They shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual self-centeredness. They should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. They should understand.
Is it true?
No. What’s the reality?
They see lots of pain in the world, and they don’t see how looking at the pain differently would change it. They want to see empowered action, movement, healing, kindness. I do too.
How do I react when I believe those people shouldn’t judge The Work as condoning violence, or abuse of children, or that it preaches to people to love what is?
Frustrated. Irritated. Sad. Wanting to set them straight and explain to them what’s really true.
Who would I be without the thought?
Starting to compose a rare facebook post to try to explain or respond….and deleting it. Understanding their suffering and pain.
Doing my own work, instead. Signing up to attend a meeting to get involved in climate change work, this very week. Just did it.
Working with myself and others on their experiences of abuse, rape, cancer, illness, death, suicide, addiction, fear and terror.
Being profoundly moved by sitting in this work and then being called to live my turnarounds as best I can. Getting involved with a compassionate heart, not an angry one.
Not fighting or thinking anyone’s wrong to have their opinion.
Turning the thought around: They should say and think and feel exactly what they do.
They’re right.
There are horrors, immeasurable suffering, and arguments with it all.
Turning it around again: I myself who thinks doing The Work means standing and looking at my own (or others’) suffering without action, without caring or attention….
….I should understand I am mistaken.
I shouldn’t think The Work is spiritual anything. I should see it brings out greater action, passion, fearless movement, transformation. I should understand others, and myself.
Have I ever treated doing The Work as something that allows me to stand and look at suffering without action, or care?
Wow. Yes. I once kept doing The Work over and over again on the same person because I felt so angry. He was a person full of suffering–he said so himself. He told me to leave him alone, and I didn’t.
I wasn’t caring for my own suffering. I wasn’t caring for his requests. I did The Work with a motive not to be angry, so I could keep pestering him and avoid looking at my own life.
I also forget that my path is no better than anyone else’s path, that I have nothing they don’t also have. I think I know more or better than someone who wrote something on facebook, who I’ve never met before. I forget I’m not in charge.
“Just as we use stress and fear to motivate ourselves to make money, we often rely on anger and frustration to move us to social activism. If I want to act sanely and effectively while I clean up the earth’s environment, let me begin by cleaning up my own environment. All the trash and pollution in my thinking–let me clean up that by meeting it with love and understanding. Then my action can become truly effective. It takes just one person to help the planet. That one is you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Thank you people who posted on facebook, and thank you news, and reports, and speeches and rallies and images, movies, pictures, radio information, and very troubling happenings of any kind (that mostly seem to occur on my computer I notice)….you show me my invitation to help the planet.
To see the planet as helping me.
To bring out the best, most truly effective action possible, without expectation or demand of any kind.
“You learn to resolve problems peacefully within yourself, and now we have a teacher. Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.” ~ Byron Katie
Lately I’m doing a ton mega-work on looking at eating and compulsion (or really any addiction of any kind) issues.
My favorite!
(Haha, not really….well, OK, maybe now that I’ve investigated stories and beliefs, it really kinda is my favorite, but in the thick of it, not so much).
One thing I’ve realized in the experience of whatever addiction actually is…..it’s never hopeless.
Never, ever.
(News flash: if you’re interested in Eating Peace, you can download the new eating peace ebooklet with a seven-day-practice guide to daily steps to inquiry and peace: HERE.)
Once I had a young man come to work with me who felt excruciatingly fearful about avoiding drugs when he felt drawn to them, but also living his life each day in a new location where he didn’t know anyone, and no family was around.
He felt utterly hopeless one morning. Like he couldn’t leave his apartment. HOPELESS.
And yet, when we took at look at what actually happened, he left. He didn’t THINK he could leave, but he did. He called for help.
Something happened, then something else. Change unfolded.
It wasn’t entirely completely absolutely hopeless, even though he THOUGHT it was for awhile. (And I remember having this same kind of thought myself).
If you think it is hopeless, you can question this belief. It’s just a belief, an idea, thrown out by the mind.
Is it true?
I could never, even in the worst nightmare of addiction, find that it was absolutely true, without any doubt at all.
I lived.
Even if my mind was churning out devastated, furious, vicious thoughts about life, it was never true.
Thoughts like: you are all alone, you are a piece of shi*t, you are unloveable, the world is a terrible place, you’re a failure.
I mean, that thing can get nasty, right?
But who are you, without the belief you your situation is hopeless?
Your addictive pattern, your income, your location, your life…who would you be without the bitter thought that it’s hopeless?
Huh.
Without the thought?
I don’t even know what to say.
But it does make me pause a moment. Whatever “me” is. And whatever “pausing” is. And whatever “hope” is.
I can wonder….who would I be?
Sometimes this Question Four: who would you be without your story….is a strange act of imagination.
When you’re in the thick of fear and dread, you have no idea of the answer. And yet the mind can STILL WONDER who you’d be?
You might come up with possibilities, ideas, you might even be able to paint a picture of what Someone (not you) would be like without that dreadful story.
That’s YOUR mind, able to imagine and come up with answers.
You’re good at the opposite, dark, haunting, violent, horror imagined stories….why not use your imagination for a little of the opposite for once?
Just saying.
Turning the thought around: it’s hopeful. It’s not hopeless.
Whatever “hope” is, is not actually required (the biggest turnaround). My thinking is hopeless….not me, not the world, not everything in my life. Hope is not a “thing” and not even important.
Oooh.
That’s true.
Can you find examples, no matter how small, of how things are rather hopeful around here? Or how whatever they are, hope isn’t needed?
Yes.
Autumn late afternoon sun beaming on fresh green wet grass. Wild bunnies racing down the road to escape the car. Traffic sounds from rush hour people driving from work. Silence in the evening air.
People I worked with today feeling different than they felt last week when we met. Two days from now, all the people coming for retreat here in Seattle–everyone coming to join with me (amazing) to question thoughts, and change our world.
I took a tour of the retreat house I’ll be teaching at two evenings from now. I was so grateful for the beauty of the place, how gorgeous it’s set up. The location is stunning, and it supports the process of inquiry. Almost no profit for this retreat, due to expenses.
But hopeful?
Why not. And right now, what’s true is quiet tapping of fingers on keyboard. No retreat in sight. Beautiful kitchen table. Friendly laptop. Pretty pink phone. Calendar open to November since that’s the next time I can make any client appointments.
This moment, glorious.
“Hope means intentionally using the idea of a future to keep you from experiencing the present. It’s a crutch, but if you feel lame, use it.” ~ Byron Katie
Hope is not required for happiness right now, I notice. Strange, but true.
And, I can open up to hope, if I feel lame, like I’m limping, like I’m not making it, like I keep dropping into my addictions, like I fall in the hole 50 times a day.
Then maybe the future looks better. But right now? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. No, really.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Last minute thought to join retreat? You’d be welcome. Reply to this Grace Note. Join us–4 days in The Work.
P.P.S. If you have special interest in ending eating battles of any kind–obsessing about food, body, weight, exercise–then download this guide and let me know if it’s helpful. I’d really love to know. Download it HERE. Share it with others who you think would benefit.
Sometimes feelings are so chaotic and wild, we feel crazy as they ride through us, along with all our thoughts that caused the feelings in the first place. Feelings seem to cause distress, turmoil, upset and fatigue.
Then, we often want to eat. Whether hungry or not.
(Or smoke, drink, clean, work, gamble, etc).
Escape from the feelings! Change the channel!
But what if you’re treating these wild and moveable sensations in the body like their the enemy, or something you shouldn’t be experiencing?
Long ago, when I was first healing from truly dreadful off-balance eating, I discovered there were a few feelings on my list that I never wanted to feel. Ever.
Anger.
Fear.
Humiliation.
Aloneness or solitude I could handle. Sadness, that was OK. Anxiety was uncomfortable but not the end of the world. Excitement or nervous anticipation was partially fun. Disappointment I thought I could quickly recover from.
But deep anger, resentment, fury, rage–these I judged as horrible. Only mean people have those feelings. Bad people.
Fear was also too uncomfortable. I felt nauseated, couldn’t sleep, short of breath. I’d do anything to get away from fear! (Including eat when not hungry).
Humiliation was the worst of all. Feeling ashamed, or guilty that I did something wrong or someone disapproved of me. Ugh. It was the worst of all. Then I really wanted to hide in my house and eat sweet things, so I felt sweeter about the world. (It never worked for long term).
Something that helped immensely over time, was taking a look at feelings I disliked the most….the ones I considered ENEMIES….
….and judge them, using The Work of Byron Katie.
Is it true you’re a bad person if you experience fear, or anger, or shame?
YES.
Look at those other people over there, acting terrified, or rageful, or deeply self-effacing. Gross. So unpleasant, and unattractive.
Can you absolutely know it’s true it makes someone a BAD person if you experience these human feelings?
No. Reality includes all these feelings. It appears to be a part of the human condition.
How do you react when you believe something’s awful and bad?
I avoid it. I try to get away, stay away, and crush it within. I try not to be angry, fearful, or shameful….ever, ever, ever.
If I DO experience these feelings, I eat.
I don’t ask anyone for help (they’ll think I’m bad, too). I don’t have any other outlets. I try to control what can’t be controlled. Feelings.
It’s a ton of work. I have to stay home a lot, and not be exposed to other people.
But who would I be without this thought? Who would I be without this belief that having these uncomfortable feelings makes me BAD? (Or anyone bad)?
You can look at that other person who’s feeling big feelings you don’t like and see what you’d think of them without the belief they shouldn’t be expressing that feeling.
What would this be like?
Wow.
I’d be feeling these terrible feelings, like riding a roller coaster, and letting them run their course–even hearing their message. Honoring what they have to say. No getting over them.
Allowing the feeling to be here, and allowing me to be a human being feeling it, without judgment.
That feels like freedom.
Turning the thought around: feelings (anger, fear, humiliation) are GOOD to feel. Not bad. It’s only my thoughts about these feelings that are bad, not the feelings themselves.
When I began to live this way with my feelings, even just a little bit, guess what happened to the urge to eat? It relaxed.
It was no longer necessary to stuff in food aggressively with anger. It was no longer necessary to panic with ice cream in bed. It was no longer necessary to shamefully buy something I liked to eat, and eat too much of it in my car.
In the Eating Peace Process, we spend an entire module or segment of the program looking at how to work with feelings.
Especially the ones we resist or hate.
Who would we be without our stories about feelings?
Two live calls per week and many presentations you’ll listen to on your own, this course offers you a structure to thoroughly look at your relationship to food, eating and your body from every angle. To read more about it the Eating Peace Process please visit here.
LIVE Facebook Friday (today!) at 11:30 am Pacific Time. The topic this time is why not to do The Work on YOURSELF….why look outside yourself to judgment (which we’re taught NEVER to do). I’ll share at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry program which is starting in a month.
If you don’t know about how to watch a facebook live event, it’s a simple way to use a phone video camera to connect with everyone right on facebook. It’s completely LIVE, as in Real Time. The way you can participate and watch, while it’s happening, is on my facebook page: Head over to WorkWithGrace on Facebook. (Like the page while you’re there, it helps spread the word).
Year of Inquiry is a remarkable program where you get to question your stressful beliefs for an entire year, with an amazing group of people. We learn to “be” our honest selves, and question what we think is wrong with life, in any way whatsoever. Including ourselves.
As a preview to help with deepening our internal work, I’m offering my free masterclass immersion: TEN BARRIERS that BLOCK THE WORK on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time (like, for example, feeling horribly embarrassed and ashamed you’ve screwed up–that would be Barrier #8). The class is 2 hours long with a huge amount of information.
There will be a Q & A at the very end of the Immersion Class on 8/22 about the new Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. Register for the free immersion class right HERE. It will be recorded, so if you can’t attend, you’ll receive the link for the replay. Feel free to share this with anyone you know who may be interested.
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Speaking of feeling ashamed that you’ve done something wrong….I noticed this appeared twice in recent group inquiries in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway right now.
And then, it appeared again when working with a lovely inquirer only yesterday.
The situation: someone didn’t show up, someone said “no” in a harsh way, someone gave you the silent treatment.
You’re upset with them, even angry. And you’re also wondering if YOU are the kind of person who does something to deserve being stood up.
The mind moves into thoughts like “this always happens to me” or “I must be communicating poorly” or “I’m obviously an idiot” or “I make arrangements with the wrong kinds of people”.
You just get an overall feeling you’re wrong, bad, off, screwing up.
Even if you also blame that other person over there for not being responsible or reliable, there’s an attack on the self.
What I appreciate noticing about the Attack of The Self, is it comes out of a stressful thought about someone else. So, it’s a reaction to another stressful belief you’re assuming is true. If you were happily going about your business with absolutely no one else around, you wouldn’t feel this cutting self-criticism.
They’re giving me the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication).
It means lots of bad things, including this thing about me that I must be asking for it or creating it somehow.
But let’s take a look at the original thought, that this silent non-communicative experience is terrible….and that other person is giving it to me.
Is it true they’re giving you the silent treatment?
YES!!
I’ve reached out. I’ve left messages. I’ve emailed. Nada.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
Well….they could be frightened, or not know what to say, or be too angry to return my call. There’s that. It wouldn’t exactly be “giving” me the silent treatment on purpose, just for the heck of it. There’s a reason this silence is happening, and it may have something to do with them, not just me.
It might not be such a bad thing, compared to the alternative. It might not mean what I think it means.
How do you react when you believe they’re giving you the silent treatment?
Depressed. Self-condemning. Furious.
Going over the exchanges prior to the silence–what was said, or expected, in the past? Deciding that person is rude, obnoxious, screwed up. Ripping them to shreds in my mind.
Not enjoying the moment, that’s for sure.
So who would you be without this very stressful belief that they are giving you the silent treatment, and it’s awful? Without the thought it means something bad about you, or about anyone, or about life?
Huh?
You mean the silent treatment could be fine, or not a problem, or not so big a deal?
Who would I be, what would I be, how would I sit with that moment of No Person showing up, No Phone call coming in, No Text, No Email, No Letter, No Knock On The Door? What would that be like, to not fret about this thing called Silent Treatment?
I’d notice the present moment. The room I’m surrounded by, the chair I’m sitting in, the brightness of the day, the great quiet of the moment. Except in my thoughts, everything is very sweet and quiet.
Without the thought, I’d be free, and peaceful, and curious about that person I’m wondering about from time to time.
I’d trust that not everyone is supposed to be in communication with me at every moment. It’s better that way. Pausing, sabbaticals, rest, total silence is highly desirable, honestly. Why not right now?
Turning the thought around: I am giving myself the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication).
Haha! Yes. I’m locked in on the stories of being ignored, or shunned, or avoided, or abandoned. My mind is full of horror stories of sadness, disappointment, loss, rejection. I’m feeding myself these images. I’m believing they’re true. I’m not communicating any love, responsiveness. I’m not showing up for me.
Turning it around again: That person is NOT giving me the silent treatment.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, I see how wonderful my life, and how full, in this very moment. No absence, no abandonment, unless I believe in it. I’m sitting in my favorite chair, in my gorgeous little cottage. I have friends and family to connect with who are super cool and very supportive.
Perhaps noise, or conversation, is not required in the moment.
It isn’t.
How do I know?
That’s what is happening. It’s reality.
Turning it around again: I am giving that other person the silent treatment.
I know this can feel untrue, given you have reached out and that other person is not responding.
How could it be just as true that YOU are being silent? What are you being silent about? What have you not shared? What have you withheld? Where have you not communicated, or shown up, or responded freely and honestly?
Oooooh.
I have not said the truth to that person many times. I haven’t reached out when I’ve been upset. I haven’t said when I’m genuinely angry. I haven’t spoken up about my own preferences, I haven’t spoken up or asked questions when I’m curious or confused. I haven’t said what scares me, or what I’d prefer to change about our relationship.
I haven’t shared honestly.
Who’s the person who’s given the Silent Treatment?
Oh. That would be me.
To myself, to the other person.
“This is the end of the war inside you. I’m a lover of reality. How do I know I’m better off with what is? It’s what is.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
We’ve been taught we’re being given the Silent Treatment and that this is VERY BAD.
But that’s a very fearful story.
Without this story, you may notice the reality that whatever is happening is Reality’s way: Support. A break. Quiet. Time to do The Work.
Without my story of being stood up, forgotten, given silence (oh bad)….I love reality.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Come see how the problem is not you….it’s only your stressful thinking. Join me in the Immersion Class on August 22nd 8:30 am Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Click HEREto register.
