Speaking of turnarounds.
About two months ago I received an unexpected bill. For about ten times the amount I originally expected. GULP.
What??
I kind of coughed and said to myself, well OK. I guess this is required so we’ll just move forward if we’re seeing this house project through. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip!
(I love those English sayings; perfect expressions showing a stressful belief or two is running. Plus it’s basically my historical roots. Stiff upper lip = do not allow any quivering to show in your lip that may suggest sadness, crying, or breaking down with emotion in the slightest way)!
But then.
A new and different thought appeared.
I shouldn’t be paying this bill all by myself. Someone else should help me.
Gosh. Who would be helping me on my house project? There’s only one other person who lives at said house.
My husband.
(Poor man).
But he can’t afford to help with this bill. He should not be a teacher. He would make more if he had a different job. It’s all on me. Waaaaah. Poor me. I’m burdened.
It was about that mature, too.
How did I react when I believed I have to do everything (huff) when it comes to this bill?
Resentful. Seeing pictures of me being depended on, relied on. Not wanting the lead role, preferring the escape-artist role. Wanting to un-do my commitment to this project that created this bill in the first place.
Goodbye cruel world that demanded all that unexpected money from me!
Um. Yes. Kind of dramatic.
So who would I be without this very stressful belief, where I thought I was a Big Fat Victim doing it All Alone?
Without the beliefs my husband should help me financially with this bill, the bill shouldn’t even be this high, and I have to do this project all alone and drain my bank account?
First of all, I’d be noticing my bank account is not drained because of this bill.
Let’s just get that straight immediately.
Next, without the beliefs I can’t do it alone, but I have to, but I want help, and he should help me….
….I’m suddenly just….here.
Woman thinking about a bill. Seeing it’s not an emergency, it’s simply unexpected. Woman with questions about the bill. Woman not panicking and running screaming to husband (person closest to her).
My husband is so optimistic and kind, and yet I could tell my hissy fit took him aback a little. Maybe a bit sad that I suggested he needs a different job.
Sigh.
Without my belief that I’m alone in my purchases, I sit with the issues of money, choices, preferences, questions, bills, bank accounts, and notice how fast I go to fear when I see large numbers on bills.
Who would I be without the belief that money is what I need in this situation?
Oh. Right.
I’m calmer. Awake. Not grabbing the nearest person and pulling the underwater with me in my panic.
Turning the thoughts around:
I don’t have to do this alone, I’m choosing to pay this bill and trade money for a great project. No one has to help me. My bank account isn’t closing because of this bill. This is exciting, creative, thrilling. No need to pull the man I live with into the concern in a frightened way–I can talk with him calmly and ask his advice if I want.
This situation is safe.
The bill gets paid. A pen wrote some numbers on a piece of paper and it got mailed. Nothing else actually happened.
But even if you have a situation where it’s not possible to pay an apparent bill….notice the safety that’s still present in this moment. Free air to breath. Water to drink. Fed. Clothed. Alive.
It was my thinking that was alone, my thinking that needed more money/support, my thinking that paid for everything and my thinking that brought a big payment of suffering to me.
I didn’t need more money, I needed more inquiry.
Thank goodness for inquiry.
Because once I entered the world of questioning if my fearful thoughts were true, I saw it was an inside job, I felt no more demand or plea to my husband, and I had a few questions to ask from the company sending the bill.
There was a Living Turnaround: I wrote an email, the company responded almost immediately addressing every question, and I had a far greater understanding of the overall picture and future expectations for billings.
What a relief I gave myself.
I still felt the “yes” of this project and the joy of being a part of making something different that apparently requires money and payments and bills….and this flow is all very exciting. And safe.
It was my thinking that was ten times bigger than originally expected. It ballooned into a ginormous dark cloud of future not-enough-ness and resentment.
Over a piece of paper.
Haha!
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If you want to come join me to do The Work on another common stressful belief, head over to my facebook page(WorkWithGrace) tomorrow morning, Saturday April 14th at 8:00 am PT. Hit reply to this email to share a thought you’d like to hear questioned. Let’s do The Work.
So Much love,
Grace