Tag: fear

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The good news about money wrestling matches in relationships (+ summer camp)

Summer Camp For The Mind, an immersion in The Work via telesessions Monday through Friday, begins July 5th or July 6th (depending on the day and time that works best for you). We kick off on July 5th or July 6th with a 3-hour blitz Intro to Summer Camp.

During these two long intro sessions, everyone will hear about how to join our private slack forum, everyone receives guidance to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and we’ll begin to question stressful thoughts. These first two longer sessions are recorded so people who miss these Intros can catch up.

Summer Camp is offered by donation (see suggested range when you visit the summer camp page). To read about it and sign up by July 3rd, visit HERE. All details with how to attend the calls will be sent out by midnight July 3rd Pacific Time.

Meanwhile, last week I was contemplating the incredible journey on money, and how for me personally it all got extra weird and difficult and the MOST hard when a significant relationship came to an end.

We all know the pain and suffering involved in relationships when they undergo big changes.

People often feel unlovable, like something failed in the relationship, if it goes other than the way we prefer.

And recently through the beautiful work of several different inquirers I had the privilege of sitting with, I remembered how surprisingly strong stress is about MONEY in the middle of a relationship.

Or at the end of one.

Or, OK, at the beginning of one too.

Dating, going on trips, sharing expenses, paying the bills in the home (who’s doing it, who’s home is it), purchases, needs, bank accounts getting split, people dividing everything and going their separate ways, people freaking out if they think they won’t have enough money in the future.

Money touches us everywhere. It’s a part of relationship, it seems.

We trade it for things we desire, need, support, use.

And any moment there’s something uncomfortable with money going on….so good for inquiry.

Today, I focus on the troubles that can appear where the relationship is changing. Called break-up. Ending. Completion.

Divorce.

And the money. Wanting half the possessions or the equivalent. Breaking things into even piles.

Some people are so frightened of these images about money being scarce because of the changes in a relationship, they see themselves living on the street in the future pushing a shopping cart. The fear is so massive, they’ll choose to NOT leave a relationship, because the picture in the mind of no money is worse than the discomfort of the current relationship.

Which means….money is actually more important than the relationship itself, if you get into that fearful state. If it weren’t for the money, you’d might not like what’s going on, but you’d feel far more at ease.

It’s like “What’s happening in the relationship breaks my heart, but I can get through that, as long as I know I’ll have enough money.”

I saw this in myself. Almost divorced. Stayed with kids and worked part time at home for over a decade. No real career. No personal savings. No health insurance.

I remember sitting on my old brown leather couch from the 1960s that used to have a matching partner in the elegant living room of my childhood, wondering how it got to this, that my life was so dramatically downsized from anything I had once known.

From a huge grand and exquisite house built in 1924 in Seattle where I grew up. And now, sitting in a tiny cottage built in 1940 for vacations in the far north end of the city.

I felt so sorry for myself.

A voice kept coming in; “You have nothing. Nothing. Look at you. You should have planned. You should have gone to medical school like you briefly imagined. You’re pathetic.”

Over the following few years, I would walk in my neighborhood and almost cry sometimes looking at the massive homes on Lake Washington only 200 yards from where I lived, all lined up with docks, boats, manicured yards, and windows looking at Mount Rainier.

“I don’t have that. I have NOTHING.”

Let’s take a look.

You can do this if you believe you will have nothing LATER, even if you don’t have nothing yet. Those pictures of you having nothing in the future are so stressful, right?

Those pictures are so threatening, we react to them and feel frightened NOW, even though we actually do have enough to eat, water to drink, we have a roof, we even have a car or a bicycle, clothing, a flushing toilet, a toaster, table and chairs.

But anyway. Who cares about all that.

“I have nothing” by comparison to those other people, or that other person.

Is it true?

Now, I know the word “nothing” is dramatic. We can see we have something. Maybe even quite a lot. But this BY COMPARISON thing.

Ahhhh, there’s the rub.

So much less, that’s what I have. Sooooooo much less.

Is this absolutely true?

Yes.

How do you react when you believe this is true that you have so much less money than “x” or “y” (picture those happy people, or your former mate doing fabulous things, or your neighbors laughing on their boat)?

My mind jumps around at who to blame. Him. Her. Family. Them. The government. Their business. That country. The law. This neighborhood. My ancestors.

Furious. Replaying what she did, what he did. Seeing me with LESS. Grrrrrrr.

Maybe you react with fighting words, anger, resentment. Harsh words. Or maybe you go the other way into apathy, despair, sinking non-action, curling up in a tight ball with shame or self-pity.

Flashing pictures of this rough future you’re going to have. Flashing pictures of not having enough in the past and how this will be repeated. Flashing pictures of scenes from movies, or friends you knew, who lost money.

A feeling of unworthiness about yourself. (Notice the word, also used when something can’t be traded for money).

So who would you be without the belief they have so much more than you, or you have nothing?

What if you really just couldn’t do the comparing for a moment? No reference for looking at two things and deciding you come out below the other, or with less.

Who would you really be, without believing in the danger of No Money? What if money didn’t mean survival, security, or peace?

Because, I notice it doesn’t guarantee any of those things. At all.

Without the belief, way back when I had almost no money sitting in my little cottage, I caught a glimpse of a quiet pulsing silence. It was just a moment in time, during a long life. That moment of little money was the same as any moment if there had been a lot of money. A couch, me sitting still, no hunger, no thirst, able to lie down wherever I was and rest if I needed to.

Noticing that to call the place I lived “mine” was not even true. Everything temporary. Everything changing. The fanciness of the furniture might be greater where I sit one day, or the rug on the floor….but this is the same body, living on planet earth. The environment constantly changes. Mind comes along for the ride, commenting on everything it sees.

Without the thought of comparison, I’m present with what’s happening right now. Noticing I’m fine.

Money is doing what it does. It comes, it goes. It moves in and out of my wallet. It’s busy living it’s life. And I’m here, completely and totally 100% fine. There is no threat, except in the pictures in my thinking. There is no threat, except my vision of what I think it means when something in the environment is “worth” a lot, or I can trade this pile of green paper for something else I think is important.

None of it really is, in the long run.

Turning the thought around: I have more than they do. I have everything I need. I have enough–just the right amount, in fact, for supporting my own evolution. In my thinking, I have less than them. But only in my thinking.

How is this just as true, or truer?

Oh, it’s soooo much truer for me.

Examples: I love noticing how kind and sharing the human race is. I received furniture from the friend of a friend who was giving everything away. Beautiful little unique pieces of furniture, for my little cottage. I didn’t have so much space to clean. Vacuuming took 15 minutes. I could talk with my daughter as we both lay on our beds in our own rooms (small little hallway dividing us). I had a fridge full of delicious food all kept cold (unlike people 100 years ago).

I had incredible appreciation (notice the fine word, again also used in the financial world) for everything around me. For life, for silence. For Not Needing lots of stuff.

I could read for entertainment, instead of thinking I needed to go to Paris. I watched movies from the library. I wondered about the mind and my thinking–which was (and still is) the ultimate most fascinating thing of all, and the thing I was most wanting to relax.

My greatest desire, actually, was peace. Which is probably everyone’s greatest desire. If you asked me to trade all the money I ever had for peace, or keep all the money I ever had and leave peace out of it….I’d take peace.

I’m no dummy.

I want a free mind, a mind at ease. I wanted a mind ready to be in the presence of anything that showed up in this physical world. Including a moment of noticing someone else’s material wealth or my lack of it.

I wanted to notice the wealth I had of life, what was possible, not what was impossible.

I wanted to notice the thing that’s all-and-forever lasting, the thing that’s been with me every step of the way throughout my life, no matter how much money or success I’ve had (according to society).

THAT thing is priceless, shining like a diamond. The greatest treasure I could ever have.

I sit in the streets with the homeless.

My clothes stained with the wine 

From the vineyards the saints tend.

Light has painted all acts the same color.

So I sit around and laugh all day with my friends.

At night if I feel a divine loneliness

I tear the doors off Love’s mansion

And wrestle God onto the floor.

He becomes so pleased with Hafiz and says

‘Our hearts should do this more.’

Hafiz

My terror about money offered me the wrestling match or two or three of a lifetime.

Turns out, my heart met the heart of reality, in the middle of every match….and I realized everything was painted the same color.

It didn’t matter how much, what was more, what was lost, what was found, what was less when it came to money and possessions and safety.

Safety was somewhere other than money. I keep remembering this over and over again whenever I do The Work on money.

Every time I do The Work on money, life says “our hearts should do this more often!”

Thank you money for being such a “problem”. Ha ha!

It was actually only a thought about money that was the problem. Not money itself.

Just to make sure….just a moment ago while writing here, I checked in on money, support, security, wealth, richness, and success by asking “Is everything OK right now? Do I have enough money? Is there abundance all around, everywhere I see?”

Yep. Still true.

Much love,

Grace

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It shouldn’t have happened. Seriously. I was soooo overheated.

As always, being at Breitenbush annually in the height of the bright summer days is not only the sweetest fresh air, gorgeous giant pines, flowers, babbling river, cozy cabins, and a true complete break from regular daily life….

….but also a time of such joy and gratitude as I sit with people who have never done The Work, along with quite a few who have, and hear the insights pop throughout the room.

The more time in the work, as we spend our hours together, the deeper the insights seem to move.

It occurred to me once again, that one profoundly painful ghostly underlying belief appears in almost everyone’s Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, including my own…even if we haven’t written it down.

This one belief appears in every objection we’ve ever had. Whether we almost died in a car accident, a true love left us, or someone was rude.

It shouldn’t have happened that way.

When anyone writes a JYN, we’re remembering a painful moment in the past, or imagining being in a painful moment in the future.

I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m worried about the way it went, and worried it will happen again.

Actions, ideas, ways to solve the problem spring out of this deeply painful thought that I believe it shouldn’t have happened….

….whether the thought is about death, sickness or shock….

….or the annoying long-term partner who won’t stop that irritating behavior….

….it simply would be better if it hadn’t happened.

Let’s do The Work together today: Find an incident you believe shouldn’t have happened. Just one. That’s the simplicity of The Work. You don’t have to question everything you’ve ever thought shouldn’t have happened.

Just that first one that came to mind just now.

Picture that person, being like that. Or that event you’d rather not think about too often.

I picture immediately someone I knew. The way she swore really scared me. She seemed so mean, I wanted to hide under the bed because of her critical and bossy manner.

So is it true it shouldn’t have happened? Is it true she shouldn’t have acted like that, used those words, been so cruel and angry?

Yes!

It was so frightening! I can’t handle it! (Wave arms around, tell the whole story, express how awful it was–at least this was my first answer to the question “is it true?”)

Now, I’m not suggesting it’s not incredibly powerful to share what you experienced, in order to understand it or receive help and support in exploring what happened. Many people have benefitted profoundly through a therapeutic meeting one-to-one where one important facet of the meeting is to tell the story of what happened clearly, openly.

It can be especially meaningful if the person telling the story has never shared it before. Secrets don’t fester and grow when they are shared. Secrets can be revealed, and come out of the darkness when they are spoken.

But to take it to the next step….to look with open eyes, with questions, finding your own answers….this is The Work.

So is it absolutely, 100% true for all time, with no shadow of a doubt that the person in question, the incident that went down, shouldn’t have happened?

Hmmm.

I can’t know it for sure. Not in the situation I’m remembering. And do I actually have all the data? Could that even be possible? Do I know what the final outcome will be, or what it created or offered me that it went that way? Could I know that I wouldn’t mess up some weird piece of the puzzle if I took out that incident or that person entirely from my life? And can I simply notice, it was painful, and now it’s over?

I can’t know it shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t mean I have to like that it did.

How do I react when I believe something shouldn’t have happened?

I crunch up inside against the memory. I try to think about other things. I say positive affirmations. I chant and work on myself to “get over” that person. I get super grumpy. I say “screw them!” even though I haven’t seen them in ten years (LOL). I blame that person for ruining my life, or trying to.

Sunday, on my way home from Breitenbush, it was 98 degrees Fahrenheit outside. Very unusually hot. I have no air conditioner in my car, and it never occurs to me to need it because I live in a cool climate (once a year, it wafts through my mind and then I forget about it all over again).

I was melting.

I drove by a large car sales lot about four hours from my home, and the thought entered my mind I could get off the freeway and buy a car with air conditioning RIGHT NOW. My mind was so speedy quick, I already had pictures of that plan not working because I would need to leave my car there, unload all the luggage, including boxes of retreat-facilitating materials, and put everything in my new car, and then I’d have to come back and get the old one and drive four whole hours AGAIN just to retrieve it. A whole future image, all thought up, in about 2 seconds. Bam.

Mind dishing up solutions to the problem, speedy quick. Brilliant, busy mind. When it thinks something is true, it will really try to go for EVERY possible solution.

Trouble is, it hurts if a) none of the solutions really solve the problem and b) you can only be happy if the problem is solved.

Even if a solution CAN solve the problem, you aren’t happy until you execute the solution. Which leaves “unhappy” time as required while you wait.

But who would you be without the thought “this shouldn’t be happening” or “it shouldn’t ever have happened”?

Who would you be without the belief she shouldn’t have been that way? He shouldn’t have said that? It shouldn’t have occurred? It shouldn’t be this freakin’ hot?

Sometimes, where there’s a particularly painful event, or personality you’ve had to deal with….

….you just stare at it blankly for a minute, when you consider that fourth question.

Let yourself take it slowly.

What would it be like, without that thought?

I notice first, I’m coming back into this present moment. I’m here now, listening to trucks and men’s happy shouting voices outside since a neighbor is building a new house. Noticing the overcast sky, and the cool breeze of today. Not overheated in the body.

Noticing the mind was OK all along, whether the car was a baking sauna yesterday, or not.

Without the belief it shouldn’t have happened, I feel more relaxed somehow. Not so tight and restricted and focused on solving that problem. Not obsessed with What Was.

Without the belief, I don’t feel condemning, of either that other person or of myself. I’m more in a Don’t Know place. Feeling the quiet of this moment, here, now.

Without the belief “it shouldn’t have happened” I notice the sadness of things like that happening sometimes in this world without the heaviness, with compassion for us all.

Turning this underlying belief around: it should have happened. 

This is not about finding examples of how it should have happened because you deserved it, or someone else did, with all the pain and agony that involves. This is about seeing how it should have happened, because it did.

And did anything at all come of it, that you found helpful….even the tiniest thing?

That hot melting physically uncomfortable ride should have happened, because it made me think again about finding an electric air-conditioned car, that suits my support of lowering the environmental impact of my driving. It made me take it so seriously, I believe I may be researching this soon.

That person should have acted that way, because it showed me how not to act. It showed me who to move away from and how to say “no” in a clear way. It showed me what I’ve been afraid of, that may not be so scary after all (she’s just a human being, with a lot of fearful thoughts actually). It showed me where I assumed I was unworthy, and invited me to question this form of suffering instead of believing it.

That should have happened, because I am a human being living in the same conditions of temporary life on planet earth as any other human being. It should have happened because it affected my life so deeply, it’s a part of my spiritual path and growth to make peace with it. Otherwise, I’d probably be watching TV.

How amazing to discover reasons that are honest, genuine reasons I actually believe for why it should have happened.

Can you find them, for your situation?

“Any time you argue with what was, what is, or what will be, you limit your ability to experience the vastness of who you are. There’s no way around it. It doesn’t matter what happened, or how cruel someone was, or how unfair something was. It may have been all of those things, and the pain may be very deep and real, but when we have a mental resistance, when we say something should or should not have happened, we’re arguing with what did happen or what is happening. When we argue with life, we lose every single time–and suffering wins.” ~ Adyashanti from Falling Into Grace

I see the present moment as sometimes including my thoughts about a past moment I objected to. If I say “yes” to that moment, including the thoughts of the past….it’s called The Work.

Loving what is….including my belief “it shouldn’t have happened”.

What a sweet belief, that resisted What Is, that the mind thought would help me survive, and not feel pain.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking shouldn’t have happened…instead of the event, person, condition, or incident.

Yes, that thinking was very fretful, full of boiling anxiety, resentment, rage, despair. So focused on how “it” shouldn’t have happened.

The thing, person, event, incident, situation actually ended, or moved forward, or morphed and changed, or grew into something different. It’s over. My thinking is the thing that continued and ruminated or obsessed or re-considered it over and over again.

And, I love how my thinking also moves me into noticing how the way I see it is not true, how it can answer the simple questions, how it can ponder and relax….and end the repetitive suffering.

I love how my thinking can journey into new answers, new possibilities, variety, gathering ideas, joy in the midst of sorrow, humor.

All as a result of the little question “can you absolutely know it’s true that it shouldn’t have happened?”

Turns out, it happened, but I don’t have to suffer over it.

This is true for cars without air conditioning in very hot weather, or your dear friend getting cancer, or parents being abusive, or your partner leaving you, or the kitchen drawer getting stuck every time you try to open it.

Who are you right now, without your story?

Accepting what is. Broken drawer, partner not in the room, mean parents, very ill friend, hot.

Noticing what happens next, with complete acceptance of what is.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie Joining in live event happening in Switzerland via streaming video all the way to Seattle. Four bedrooms for those who want to sleep overnight. We’ll participate right alongside the folks who are in Switzerland with Katie.

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

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Terror, ugliness, unacceptable, unbearable….doing The Work on the worst that could happen

When you spend 4 days doing The Work with a group, something happens to everyone’s perspective. Instead of the daily routine of life, our view shifts into a broader awareness.

It’s like the feeling you get when watching a magnificent sunrise.

Or receiving and giving a hug. Holding someone’s hand when they’re ill or dying. Being at the birth of a baby. Suddenly being startled at a gorgeous lush tree full of blossoms.

Everyone has these kinds of moments, where you’re startled by the beauty or insight that’s just inserted itself into your present moment.

In this retreat, we looked and sat with one important question, pens in our hands, blank paper on our laps.

The question: what’s the worst thing that could ever happen in your life?

Whew.

What a question, right?

Holy smokes.

I watched as all the participants closed their eyes, wrote in their journals and notebooks.

Now….what do you think it would mean, if this terrible thing happened?

What would it mean about you, about them, about life?

For me, I’ve thought about a dreadful image when I’ve answered this question. The worst thing ever happening? My children dying. Oh jeez. Not that terrible image again. Ugh.

It’s almost weird to write about. Why go there? Why event mention this dreadful, horrible, ridiculous, not-true scenario? Is there something wrong with me? Why would I give this possibility the time of day? I must be some kind of masochistic weirdo to want to sit with this terrifying disturbance of losing my kids.

But it’s there, nevertheless. A fear. I think I couldn’t go on if this happened. I notice sometimes in the world, peoples’ kids die.

So I’m willing to take a look, since the thought scares me.

Which is what I love about The Work.

The invitation is to open up to the underworld, the terrifying, the thoughts already present, the worries, the fears, the dread.

Let’s get them HANDLED…says The Work. Even if you think four questions couldn’t possibly “handle” your greatest fears.

I invite you to see.

Write down what you think is the worst thing ever that could happen in your life. It’s often about some kind of deeply troubling loss. A relationship, an inability to function, rejection, abandonment, betrayal.

Let’s inquire.

It would be (or, lets face it…it already happened and it WAS) the WORST thing ever.

Is it true?

(First question of The Work).

We’re inquiring. In the grand scheme oft things, we’re opening up to the choice that we’re believers, or we question what we believe….there’s no other possibility.

So let’s question, since it’s an option.

Is it true this would be the worst thing ever?

Yes.

Hands down, yes.

I couldn’t live life ever again in the same way if my kids died.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that it’s the worst thing? Can you absolutely know you couldn’t go on living? Can you absolutely know you’d lose your mind in grief, or freak out, or NOT be able to handle it? Can you know you’d be engulfed in sorrow and wither away into nothing?

How do you react when you believe in this possibility? When you think this is the worst? When you scream at yourself not to think this thought, ever EVER (because it’s so scary)?

I gasp. I try to stop thinking it. I bat it away. I tell myself positive things. And I feel underlying fear. I see images of my kids dying. I think I’m the kind of person who might go through this horrible event, so I brace myself. I don’t know how to prevent it, so I feel frightened. I feel like the future is dim, not bright.

I start imagining that if I think this thought…I’ll invite it. Which just exacerbates and threatens even more, and brings on self-criticism in addition to the original fear. (What’s wrong with you? Stop thinking this!)

But who would I be without the thought my kids will die?

It’s a worthy question. To consider what it would be like to NOT THINK that dreadful thought?

This is not about pretending or denying they’ll die. It’s wondering who I’d be without the thought pounding in my brain that they will.

I’d be relaxed. I’d see what else is going on. I’d open up to other ideas. I’d notice what’s working, even though this could (or has) happened.

And what about if this terrible thing that COULD happen or already did happen…what if it’s OK that it happened? Or the best thing that could happen, instead of the worst?

I know it’s a little abrupt. I know the word “best” is a little weird. But in this world of duality, we’re interested in worst/best, good/bad, terrible/wonderful.

And we’re interested in shaking things up. Considering what good could come out of the “worst case scenario”. Is there anything you can think of that might be GOOD about that horrible thing happening?

Several years ago, I got cancer.

I had surgery, and was lying in bed at home one day later with 50 stitches in my thigh, doing The Work. I looked at my leg, and was amazed the place where the tumor was removed looked like a piece of pale cream-colored leather with a huge gash in it, stitched with a gray colored thread evenly spaced.

How could I think of this situation as the best thing that ever happened? Really? What? I couldn’t find it. There is NO turnaround for this. It’s awful, there’s no reason. Cancer truly sucks. Nothing good can come of this. All awful, all the time, 24 hours a day. It shouldn’t happen. I’ll probably die of cancer, even if it’s not THIS cancer.

Who would I be, without this story though, that it’s the worst thing ever?

Oh. You really want me to do The Work on THIS situation too? Seriously?

Yes. Because you can question anything. The Work is here to open your mind, no matter what’s going on. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what situation you’re looking at.

Who would I be without my story, in that moment I was lying in bed with stitches in my leg from my cancer operation?

I’d notice when my estranged husband knocked on the door, with our two very young children, holding two-dozen pink roses.

We hadn’t been talking closely. He had left the marriage and we were on the way to divorce. And here he was, showing up while caring for our kids because of my surgery, bringing this gift of flowers. Caring.

Ah ha. I just found my turnaround inquiry.

Since this happened, the BEST thing that happened came next. Sweetness. A show of caring, when I thought he didn’t. (And we still got divorced, and that turned out to be a good thing too).

And so can I find a turnaround example for it being OK that my kids die?

Well….I wouldn’t have to worry about them going through global warming and suffering immensely because the earth is dying. I wouldn’t have to worry about them at all, in fact. They’d miss old age, which appears to be difficult at times (unless you do The Work of course). I’d be off the hook for leaving any inheritance. They’d enter the Great Beyond before I even did, wow. They’d get there without all this wondering and incessant seeking for Enlightenment and Truth.

This work is a little strange. I admit. Noticing your most resistant fears and thoughts about life.

But oh so worth it.

Because in the end, what I discovered I’m really worried most about it ME dying, if THEY died.

Me dying, however, may not be the troubling event I anticipate. Even if my body lived….my heart might mend in such a powerful way, I would recognize that what died was my ego, not love.

And just like my father who died so many years ago of leukemia, I’d notice he may not be here in physical form, but I think of him often, I consult with him, I feel his presence, he’s part of my DNA. So did he even die?

Who would I be without my story of WORST or BEST?

Unafraid. Free. Curious. Open.

“The Tao Te Ching says that the source of everything is called ‘darkness’. What a beautiful name (if we must have a name). Darkness is our source. In the end, it embraces everything. Its nature is love, and in our confusion we name it terror and ugliness, the unacceptable, the unbearable. All our stress results from what we imagine is in that darkness. We imagine darkness as separate from ourselves, and we project something terrible onto it. But in reality, the darkness is always benevolent.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Spring Mental Cleaning Retreat Seattle 2017 (Next retreat is Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25, 2017 and Fall Retreat in Seattle is Oct 19-22, 2017)

Much love,

Grace

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You don’t have to know how to stop dreading….a little secret

Have you ever felt awful….but you’re not even sure why?

Some kind of dread is awaiting for you around the corner. Something terrible will happen. It might not go well. You could make an irreversible, regrettable mistake. It’s going to get worse. It might be nice now, but just wait.

Don’t you get the shivers just reading those sentences?

And sometimes, they’re exactly the kinds of thoughts we have about the future that make the future seem dark, sad, depressing, troubling.

But it’s not really the future that’s any of those things.

It’s now.

Funny how the mind is so incredibly powerful, you can think thoughts about the CHANCE of bad stuff occurring….and feel anxious.

The other day I worked with the most adorable young inquirer who was no longer dating because of the chance of drama in a future relationship. Two others hadn’t gone so well.

She was interested in relationship, in relating, talking, connecting, being close…..and yet, didn’t want to risk getting hurt.

People experience this when thinking about finding a new job, moving to a new city, traveling. Heck, if you’re a big huge introvert like me, you might think with a mild form of dread about an upcoming social gathering, even a party that’s supposed to be fun.

It might be loud, surprising. I might see people I haven’t in a long time. It will be over-the-top on excitement level. I’ll get overstimulated!

Whatever your thoughts, you’re anticipating something might not go well just a wee bit, perhaps a little disappointment….OR…Something terrible could happen!

Noooooooooo!!!

But who would you be without this thought? Without this story of terrible possibilities, or the unknown wild yonder in the future?

What if you were OK, right now, and if you get nervous….you could do The Work!

(Anxiety Bunny Voice scoffs….The Work? That won’t help prevent forest fires! Watch Out! This thing could go DOWN)!

So we’re not pretending nothing ever happens. We’re not being sugar-pop sweet and acting like we aren’t afraid of the dark.

We’re actually just really asking, WITH all those scary images dancing in our heads of relationships-gone-wrong or events-becoming-disasters or things-turning-out-bad….

….who would you be without your story of that image?

Are you safe in this moment?

Notice.

Oh. Come to think of it, I am.

I’m breathing, the air is fresh, I see no weapons of destruction anywhere in sight. My thoughts are only disturbed, not All of Reality.

Turning this “dread” around: Some kind of joy is awaiting for you around the corner. Something wonderful will happen. It might go well. You could make an irreversible, genius correction. It’s going to get better. It might be nice now, and just wait (exciting)!

Couldn’t all this be just as true, or truer?

Sometimes people say….but this is imagination, and pollyanna, and just like affirmations which are FAKE.

But I like noticing, the future IS entirely imagination, creative, and unknown. To think creatively of solutions, ideas, possibilities….feels so much more effective, powerful.

And when you really can’t stop dreading it (been there) then do The Work. Because we’re addressing our THOUGHTS here, not the whole of Reality….which is always mysterious and unknown anyway.

If you need to, do The Work on the worst case scenario you’re imagining might occur. Pretend it’s actually happened, write your worksheet, and go.

Is it true?

“What I love about The Work is, it never asks you to drop [the story]. It doesn’t even imply that you should drop it. That’s the power of investigation. It’s not my business to drop a story. Mankind’s been trying to do that for centuries! It doesn’t work. So don’t even go there. Letting go is an outdated concept. But investigation–self-realization, realizing for yourself what is true–dispels the illusion. So I’ve got this little secret, and everyone’s welcome to it: I inquire.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story pg 272

And the best news of all?

You don’t have to know how to get rid of the dread, or stop being an Anxious Bunny or figure out how to be more positive. You’re being lived, as Katie says.

You don’t have to know how.

I notice I sure don’t know how….and it’s turning out better than I ever imagined.

Much love,

Grace

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An inquiry per day keeps the freak-out away!

Question daily. Discover the truth. (And ask for what you want)!

And now for some more mental spring cleaning.

Yesterday the Money Inquirers met for the last time to listen, share and inquire into troubling money situations.

These can seem almost infinite.

Everyone got to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful moment with money, and then we heard three wonderfully different and common, powerful stressful situations with money.

1) I just got hired, ready to start my first day of training….and they email me to say oops, the previous employee is taking the position, sorry!

2) I’ve started a business, I have tons of training and experience, and I’m anxious about my hourly rate. I want it low to make it work for everyone. (But will people think it’s TOO LOW and not trust my expertise?)

3) My neighbor knows I’ve got money and don’t have to work at a job….but I resent her sending a donation envelope for her charity without ever getting to know me personally! She shouldn’t ask!

Aren’t these fantastic??!

Do they help you think about your own moments with money, and other people, and other people’s money or needs….or work, career, savings accounts, hopes and dreams?

The thing is, your money story can be so stressful you’re freaking out about it, and not even sleeping at night. And this goes for people who have a ton of money, or people who have very little.

So let’s take just one, through the process of inquiry.

Because an inquiry per day, keeps the freak-out away! (Kinda like an apple a day keeps the doctor away).

I’ve had every single one of these thoughts above….and many that these brave inquirers found on their fully written worksheets on their stressful situations.

Here’s the one that bubbled to the surface for me: he shouldn’t ask me for money.

Oh boy.

We were in a restaurant, and a whole bunch of people ordered different things, with separate checks for all. But my husband and I have been to that restaurant many times before, with the same awesome friends even, and we always combine our bill.

I ordered quite a bit more. He wasn’t eating a full meal.

Later, he asked if I could contribute for my share. He had kindly pulled out his card and paid the whole thing, including whatever I ordered.

I felt a little embarrassed for not thinking of it. And OK, I’ll admit it, a little disappointed. Like a little secret hope that this person, called husband, will pick up the tab.

Not long ago, a beautiful inquirer had a worksheet on HER partner, and how he asked for her to pay two-thirds of the grocery expenses since she had a kid from her previous marriage who was a 19 year old young man….who let’s face it, probably eats a whole lot.

These requests are completely fair, no question.

But this inquiry is for that little part that wants Someone Else to pick up the extra, or Not Mind about paying a little more. Someone Else shouldn’t care about that money. There should be a financial special benefit for sharing in partnership…..called they chip in more-than-whats-fair sometimes.

Yeah, that’s it…..Someone should want to treat me. He shouldn’t ask for money. She shouldn’t ask for money.

You can find your own situation where you’ve had this thought. Maybe it’s with a tattered person with a cardboard sign being a little aggressive on the corner.

Is it true?

Yes! Waaaaaah! I don’t like them asking! They really shouldn’t!

LOL.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

No. Not at all. I’ve wanted independence, freedom, clarity, and not to have any expectations about financial support….but to find my own strength and connection with money, and my own answers.

Who would you be without this story of wanting Someone to Not Ask?

I’d notice them asking.

I’d consider their question, freely, openly.

If I have a “no” for the answer and it seems fair (like someone asking for charity for example) then I tell the truth…..”NO”.

Byron Katie, talking with an inquirer upset about her grown young adult son asking her for money: “Let’s role play. You be your son, and I’ll be you, OK?”

Inquirer: Mom, can you give me some money? I want to buy some killer sunglasses.

Katie: No.

(Laughter).

Inquirer: But MOM! You’ve always given me money!

Katie: Honey, that’s absolutely true. I always have so far. And today, I’m not. I was lying in the past.

Inquirer: Dad gives me money, and more than you.

Katie: Isn’t that wonderful?

Inquirer: You’re selfish!

Katie: I know! I finally realized I’m very, very selfish! I haven’t been telling the truth, I’ve been all twisted up about saying “no” and I’ve said “yes” instead. From now on, I want to be fully honest. I love you very much, and I’m not giving you any money.

*PING*!

My mind has an Ah-Ha moment listening to this conversation (all paraphrased by the way, by me).

I become aware that it’s beautiful, and normal, and REALITY to be selfish and to ask for what I want.

It doesn’t even have to be fair, or equal, or just.

Anyone’s allowed to ask for whatever they want to ask for.

Anyone’s also allowed to say “no” to anyone asking. And if I feel worried about saying “no” I can question why it’s scary, or what I think it means about me that’s painful.

Turning the thought around: He should ask me for money. She should ask for money. I shouldn’t ask ME for money (expecting me to say yes when I don’t mean it). I shouldn’t ask them for money. 

This doesn’t mean none of this should ever happen, it’s just seeing the advantages or examples of when they do.

If there really is no “should” or “shouldn’t” about what’s happening with money….who knows what is possible.

Now, here’s the actual truth of this situation with husband.

Several years ago when we met and into our dating (second marriage for both), I asked him if he would be willing to be the one to pay when we went to restaurants. I said I would pay him back, and pay for my part equally if he wanted it later, but I really would love him to pick up the tab and take out the credit card and be the one to have a wallet on him and make the actual payment on location.

I loved not having to remember to bring my purse. I loved someone else saying “I got it”. Maybe a little goofy, and old-fashioned. Or a lot.

But he agreed. This recent situation was one of the few times he said “I could use a contribution”. And honestly, he didn’t even ask me for exactly all of my portion of the bill.

So yeah.

Reality is kinder than my thoughts about it. Way.

“Everything turns out to be a gift–that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is–not the world’s truth. And then it is all revealed to you. There isn’t anything you have to do. The only thing you’re responsible for is your own truth in the moment, and inquiry brings you to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

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How to quit playing the game: Be Afraid–Pass It On

quit playing the game FEAR: PASS IT ON!

Do you remember playing telephone when you were a kid? It’s where everyone sits in a circle, and one person begins with a simple sentence, a one-liner, and whispers it in the ear of the next person.

No one gets to say “WHAT???” and have it repeated. You need to listen carefully the first time. Then you whisper the very same thing into the next person’s ear. The very last person in the circle says out loud what they heard.

Peels of laughter! Sometimes it’s total nonsense and hilariously different from the original sentence.

Well, the other day when doing The Work with someone, I thought fearful stories were like this game.

Only they’re passed along from one generation, to the next generation, to the next.

Here’s what you should fear. Be afraid of THIS (insert whispered story).

How do I know you should be afraid? My mom told me. My dad told me. My grandpa told her. They gave that look of fear. They painted a terrible picture.

A frightening thing happens….and then WARNING, WARNING.

Teach everyone how scary that is and how you need to be very, very careful from now on.

There are events and experiences that cause fear in many human beings. Abrupt behavior, loud sounds, events where things break into pieces or are physically altered, or emotionally hurt. Change. Loss. Surprise. Anger. Blow-Ups. Crashes. Wars.

But trying to stay in a holding pattern of Calm-And-Collected and BE CAREFUL has its drawbacks.

Because we also like relaxing. We LOVE relaxing. It’s a place I want to return to, a homeostatis, and maybe the reason I first ever began to want to do The Work and find out what moves me away from peace.

And what about when we get a wee bit bored and actually want some excitement, or what if we want to improve our performance or results in some area (like health, eating–my favorite–love, money, romance, support), or create something new, or grow, transform or participate in change, on purpose?

We like developing and growing, and we like remaining calm.

But these two things don’t always go together!

Sometimes it’s like we’ve got the foot on the brakes and the foot on the accelerator at the very same time.

I want something different, but I don’t want it to be….scary! And remember! We need to be careful!!

How do you react when you believe, as you’ve always heard from people around you, that bad unexpected frightening things can happen in this world?

What happens when you want to do something new?

I’m careful.

Very, very careful.

I walk on eggshells.

Eggshells are so easily broken….I barely step out, I don’t move, I don’t take the risk of being rejected, or setting the person off, or having that worrisome thing occur.

But who would you be without the story that you need to be careful? At all.

Gasp!

If I’m not a LITTLE bit careful, I’ll be a fool. Ridiculous. I’ll do something completely stupid. I’ll lose everything. I’ll make a terrible decision. I’ll go against what my parents told me. And their parents before them.

Are you sure? Do you have to be afraid, and careful, in order to make sure you don’t fail, lose, or get hurt? Are you sure you need to never get hurt, fail, or lose?

Are you sure you need to stay entirely peaceful every second of every hour?

Wow. I never thought of that before.

A year ago, I went to a lecture and read a book by an author and speaker I found super interesting. Unexpectedly. I wasn’t looking for anything new to attend, I had been attending a lot less for a few years, in fact. But when a program appeared with an Enroll Here button, I clicked it and just knew to sign up.

I was simply drawn to it (and it’s been a wonderful adventure and brilliant people). But not easy. A day of travel just to get to the location. And sometimes daunting and mind-opening in a way that’s not exactly….happy.

What if you turned your thought around, and the very thing you ought to be careful about, and worried for, and avoid, or resist, or feel nervous over….

….has some powerful medicine to teach you?

This can even be true about very dreadful things, like getting a disease.

No, this isn’t saying sickness, violence, sudden change are easy and you need to be happy they’re happening. That would be ridiculous and kind of mean to yourself.

But what if you did become willing to have it occur, if it did? What if you noticed what you were OK with about it happening, or if it had anything helpful to offer in the way of a teaching, or it helped you eliminate what wasn’t working in your life?

Anything. An example, no matter how small, of how that thing you feel so worried about happening that it causes you to be careful in your life, even when things are fine….An example of if it happened, you’d be OK with it.

Even look forward to it.

I know it’s weird.

But it’s an exciting approach to duality and the negative, dark, scary things of life’s unfolding ways.

How could this part of Reality work for me, rather than against me? Have I ever heard of anything coming out of a situation I’ve always found scary like this, where the outcome was amazing change, or some kind of transformation, or some small advantage?

Who would I be without my story of needing to be careful?

Maybe not participating in the game called “BE AFRAID: PASS IT ON!”

Instead, you might be afraid, and do it anyway, or inquire, or pause and breathe deeply and keep going.

Who knows what being you will look like, without living a life of being afraid of being afraid.

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.”  ~ Byron Katie

This doesn’t mean you never, ever experience one non-peaceful or violent thought.

It means when you have a violent or less than peaceful thought, you move to look at it, you don’t automatically believe it (and pass it on), you turn it around, you’re committed to understanding it, you open your hands up with wonder.

Whatever it looks like. Pass it on.

Much love,

Grace

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Danger, danger…but are you sure your thoughts are true?

eyescloseddeepseriousthought
Who would you be, in that serious situation, without the belief you’re in danger? Could you be supported?

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.

It was a very long time ago, and I’m so used to living without him being physically present in my life, there is no dreadful pain about his absence.

But it wasn’t always this way.

When he first got diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer, a wave went driving through me of deep fear, anguish, and grief.

It was terrible, horrible news.

I was filled with dread.

In Year of Inquiry we’re really diving deep in our third month together into some great and profound questions, related to fear.

I remembered vividly, when I heard someone else’s work on the fear they had for their own child’s safety….

….the fear I felt when I learned my father was going to die.

Worrying about someone else is so stressful.

But here’s what I absolutely love about inquiry. It can open up your mind to seeing clearly, and seeing beyond the fear.

What is safety? Why do I feel so unsafe, in this situation? What am I expecting of myself, or of others, or of life….when I think it’s threatening? 

And hey, wait a minute!

Where did I get this idea anyway, that something’s OFF and unsafe or dangerous?

Is it this situation, or Reality, that is off? Or my thinking?

We know intellectually that Byron Katie and other thought leaders and spiritual teachers are offering perspective on this whole “mind” and “thinking” thing, right?

Katie suggests our thinking is the cause of suffering, not the actual conditions of reality. She invites us to look, over and over, as a practice.

“Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.” ~ Byron Katie

Holy Smokes….let’s test it out.

Let’s look at this very common and VERY troubling belief: I am not safe.

Notice you can only think you should be experiencing something different, this “safe” thing, if you believe you aren’t and it’s bad, bad, bad.

I am not safe (TERRIBLE)!

Is it true?

To really dig into this inquiry as you read, find a situation in which you felt unsafe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually–whatever your circumstance.

Is it true, you’re in danger?

Yes!

I remember the circumstances, many of them, when I felt unsafe.

The doctor is telling me the tumor on my leg is cancer. I’m in full-stop traffic miles away, with my 5 year old standing in the rain in the dark by himself, waiting. I’m reading an alarming text. I’m reading an email that says someone’s coming over NOW and they are desperate. I’m hearing a phone message where someone implies I’m a liar, and another phone message where someone says I’m not being a good friend.

I learn someone very close to me (like my dad) are very sick or going to die. I’m suddenly at the scene of a car accident right after it happened. I can’t reach the man I have a crush on, he’s not ever calling me back. I open the trunk of my car and see it’s empty–all my luggage has been stolen.

Not safe! Surely!

You are not safe.

Is it absolutely true for all time, beyond all doubt?

I pause, wondering about this moment, holding still.

Astonishingly, I notice I can’t know it’s absolutely true I am not safe. Even though I just injured myself, even though someone I love just received a diagnosis, even though my stuff is apparently gone (stolen) and I feel energy coursing through me. I can’t absolutely know I am not safe.

Wow.

How do you react when you believe “this is a threat, I am not safe, this is dangerous”?

I clench up tight. I stop breathing deeply. I want to quit everything, why bother trying in this dangerous world? I see pictures of how things will go (badly) and terrible scenes I imagine for the future, and sad memories from the past. I attack myself, or I attack the attackers in my mind.

I condemn nervousness or anxiety as bad and wrong, and I act tough. I avoid any place or any person who threatens me. THEY are the one making me feel this terrible feeling of danger, after all.

I treat myself like I’m meek and tiny, and unable to handle these feelings or this threat. I run.

So who would you be without this thought, this story of the lack of safety? What if you didn’t know this person, this situation, was dangerous?

Some people think, with this question….my God, I’d be crazy! I’d be walking right into something without fear, and not even know it.

Bingo.

And this isn’t about being passive, or being stupid and defying gravity or something.

You can still follow traffic rules, make lists of pros and cons for spending money, notice you drop everything and leave your house when you learn your kid has a broken wrist at school.

But you’re taking action without terror. You’ve moved, without personally believing it MUST go a certain way, or else.

You do the most efficient, kind, loving thing. That’s who you are, without panic. Someone who cares. Someone who moves to help, if you’re able.

I once remember Katie facilitating someone through their thought “I’m afraid of the cancer in my body!”

She asked the person; “Do you think the cancer is more likely to go away…if you hate it and fear it, or you don’t mind it’s there?”

Hmmm.

Without the belief that I’m threatened…..WOW. I’m wondering where this is going? I’m open. I’m stepping forward, even if it’s in the dark. I’m feeling about, I’m curious, even excited.

Even about the Big Fears, like death and loss and change.

Turning the thought around: I am not threatened in this situation, I am not in danger, I am safe.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

What part of you is OK?

I notice, I’m alive, I’m unhurt physically, I thought I was threatened but actually I only read words, or heard words. Bodies are temporary, and some last longer than others. Things are temporary, too.

Without the belief that I’m unsafe, as I hear troubling news from someone else, I might just sit, stay connected to the person, notice I have only kindness to offer and speaking isn’t necessary.

Turning it around even further: I am supported, all is well, everything is not only OK but brilliant, loving, wonderful.

I know that sounds a bit over the top, considering some of the human situations we find ourselves in. I’m not saying I’d be happy in some very grave, shocking news.

And yet….who knows what is possible?

I notice I would live, even if my child died. I notice I lived, even though my father did die. I notice I’m sitting in a very quiet room, with a heater humming hot air into the space, and a beautiful orange lamp shining, with a cup of peppermint tea and some apple slices sitting within reach. It is extremely safe.

It is as if, right now in this very moment, nothing terrible HAS ever happened, unless I remember or think about it.

It is true that I am only threatened if I THINK.

What I notice, too, is when I was in very apparently dangerous situations, I did not actually “think”.

Thinking happened afterwards. I took in what was happening, I moved, I ducked, I ran, I waited, I showed up, I left.

Who was I without my story?

Life in action. Human, being itself.

Human learning something different. Human discovering what it’s like to not believe it’s thoughts.

Human living with no requirements, conditions, demands (except in thought)….or true lack of safety, ever.

Human spinning through space on a small planet called earth, here for a few seconds by comparison to Reality.

Here, noticing what is sweet and lovely, and bitter and difficult, and noticing I’m not running this joint.

Thank God.

“The Master acts without doing anything and reaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2 (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you notice anxiety, fear, nerves, emptiness, boredom, anger when it comes to eating, food and body….I’m offering a MasterClass on Wednesday, November 23rd 1:00-2:30 pm. Eating Peace: How To Question Your Thoughts That Drive Off-Balance Eating. Register here.

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The one Big Question to answer if you want to live your turnarounds

Light in the Cave of Pain, Sickness and Death Using The Work
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Stay until you lose your fear

fearmonster
Is what you see really true?

I am stunned by all the responses and comments I’ve been getting to my question….”what are your barriers or sticky points when it comes to The Work?”

If you didn’t get to chime in, you can do it here. It’s one question, that’s it. Be as wordy or as brief as you like.

I’m so glad I’m asking people this question.

Once again, I feel very Not Alone when it comes to the intensity, the power, the fear or the resistance that can be generated in the mind.

You have been sharing quite deeply and honestly.

And the thing is, we all don’t realize we’re thinking a lot of the same things.

It’s like we’ve got this incredible “unit” (the brain) and it works quickly, it’s fantastic at identifying what might threaten us, and it’s running our lives!

Not always in a good way. You know what I’m talking about.

Stress. Worry. Sadness. Disappointment. Suffering.

But reading peoples’ answers about why they bump up against a brick wall when doing The Work, or why they stay kind of fogged out and unclear around how to handle their issues….

….I was struck by something I remembered Byron Katie doing in the recent Being With Byron Katie retreat.

She also speaks about it in Loving What Is.

It is that fear is extremely powerful.

(But not as powerful as love, I notice).

Fear is believing your stressful thoughts. Fear is believing you have cause to worry. It’s believing something terrible happened, and will happen again.

My daughter returns after being with her father for a week.

I’ve bought her a gift that arrived while she was gone. I say “I ordered you a shirt, I think you’ll love it!”

This is rare. I don’t notice or acquire many things, or gifts that are items. I like giving experiences and theater tickets and dates out and trips to special places.

She says “that’s funny, I ordered a shirt for myself, and it looks like the same kind of package.”

Sure enough, while she was away, she bought the exact same t-shirt.

She said with a critical voice “Don’t you remember, I used your credit card to buy it in the first place, and gave you cash? You don’t pay attention to anything.”

She sees me trying it on, now that it looks like I could wear it myself, and adds “and do NOT wear that shirt EVER at the same time as I’m wearing mine!”

I feel the sting of hurt, as I stand there in the kitchen with the t-shirt pulled over my summer tank top. I take it off quickly.

My mind says “she’s so mean” and “she’s so critical” and “she hates me” and “we haven’t seen each other in a week and she has to….” I have a reaction of sadness, then a defense that wants to push out at her.

It’s like an energy that wants to crunch down tightly around this moment, this situation, kind of like a contraction when I was giving birth to this same daughter. All the muscles tighten, the sense of air between us tightens, I want to go to my room.

It’s fear.

Mind says grand statements chattering away like “never!” or “always!” and “depressing!” about the way she acts, or how it is between us.

Is any of that absolutely true?

No.

Who would I be without these thoughts? Who would I be without the feeling of separation between ME and HER? Without me thinking she shouldn’t mind if I wear the same t-shirt as her?!

I don’t even want to wear that t-shirt, to be honest.

What if I could turn everything around I’m objecting to? Allowing it to feel like rain pattering in the room.

Lovely. Sound. Daughter. Shirt. Gift. Not.

She should say these things to me. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to her. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to myself.

Yes, like I shouldn’t use the moment to feel disappointment, or proof I’ve done parenting wrong, or to suddenly have a mood change from open and eager to closed and hurt.

I shouldn’t be following all my thoughts and jumping to wild conclusions like this means HATE and this means CRITICISM. I notice I’m lucky she’s honest, direct, blunt and clear. She’s very loving, too. She helps me slow everything down to simplicity.

Major discussions are not necessary. We don’t need to hash out things for hours.

She also moves on very quickly, not holding resentment. We talk later, like the t-shirt incident never happened.

I notice after The Work, I adore her. Even though she went to bed hours ago and she’s not in the room with me and nowhere in sight, except in my thoughts.

And I then think the thought that changes it all, in an instant.

Examples for why I shouldn’t speak meanly to myself, I shouldn’t talk to me with criticism. I shouldn’t say I’ve been a bad parent.

I’m an awesome parent. I’m doing the best I can. I’m being lived. I’m not doing this. I’m not guilty.

No fear.

A sense of trust.

Yes, also a mind saying “but what about tomorrow when this might happen again” but I don’t automatically think it’s true.

Katie answers a question from someone in the Q & A section at the end of Loving What Is: What if my suffering is too intense?

She responds: “In this state, it’s very difficult to do The Work for the love of truth because you’re invested in your story. Your story is your identity, and you’d do almost anything to prove that it’s true.”

That’s the power of fear.

I must prove my story (daughter hates me, is mean to me, rejects me) and this story is a bad, sad story. I cannot love what is. Impossible. Reality got this wrong.

Here again, I notice love is more powerful. If love is truth, clarity, willingness to stop and sit with this, willingness to give up my story.

I wrote an ebook looking at some very useful ingredients that helped me slow down and stay with this profound inquiry process known as The Work. Pillars to hold it steady, really.

The Work for me is not just a bunch of questions….it’s a way to open to a new, more expansive, mysterious world. A brilliant one.

I’d love for you to have the eguide: Four Pillars To Deepen The Work and Bring It Home To Yourself.

One of the pillars is STAY. I share what this means for me.
Download the eguide here.

Let me know what you think, and share it freely with anyone if you like. I hope you’ll use it, if you’ve noticed your own blocks, barriers, walls or resistance to doing The Work, like you’re not finding answers bringing greater love.

“Stay until you lose your fear….Ego can’t stand up to ‘Is It True?’ in the silence.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Imagination without investigation = h – e – double hockey sticks

imagination without investigation feels like Hell
imagination without investigation feels like Hell

In our Year of Inquiry group, this month we’re looking at The Worst That Could Happen.

Nice and cheery. (Ha ha).

But here’s the thing. Doing The Work on events we’ve found terrible, tragic, horrifying, difficult….seems to expand the mind to include not only the sense of being shattered (no denial of the event in other words) but MORE than only this.

How does that work, being shattered and yet alive, even whole?

It’s the strange paradox of life apparently, part of the duality everyone is speaking about.

(I don’t think of duality as a terrible thing, by the way, and like we all must get to NON-dual ASAP, or else….)

When our Year of Inquiry group is investigating terrible tragedy, or frightening images and visions (the worst that could happen) we notice there’s a never-ending supply of ideas the mind can come up with.

That’s not what this work is about….accumulating scary pictures and scaring ourselves with them, like watching horror movies on purpose.

What this exercise is about, for me, is addressing fear, and noticing what’s actually really true.

Almost every time I’ve considered something “horrifying” or a really bad terrible experience, it’s not as bad as I thought.

Long ago, I was driving on a long road trip with my former husband.

We were in the very last week of our 3 month adventure, driving through tall yellow wheat fields in California on a small blue highway. Rounding a corner in the late afternoon/early evening sun, we saw a truck turned up on its side, and two bodies lying on the earth some distance from the truck.

We stopped.

The bodies were moving. Everything came into consciousness very fast.

Woman, bloody head, turning from side to back, calling out. Small boy, no blood, lying face down quite a few feet away. We’re both jumping out of the car, doors slam, I run to woman, he runs to boy. High alert. Woman talking, moaning, drunk. Boy shaken opening eyes. My husband getting a blanket, boy standing up, lots of blood coming out of a big cut in woman’s forehead.

Two other cars stopping on the road. Someone shouting they’re going back to store to call 911. This was before anyone had a cell phone (1990). I stay with mother of the boy, holding her hand which she’s squeezing, trying to keep a towel on her bloody head and it’s not working well since she’s moving around, worried about her boy, not thinking clearly. Her leg is in a crazy twisted position and must be broken.

In the dusk, a helicopter. First aid men running. We can leave now.

Back in the car, everything was back to normal motion.

Can you believe that happened? We say to each other.

We’re far later traveling to our destination than anticipated. My sister’s place where she lives while she goes to school at Berkeley. We hear her worried voice when we stop to call and say what happened. She waits up.

We arrive at 11:00 pm. At midnight, I can’t sleep. At 1:00 am. At 2:00 am. at 3:30 am. I basically stay up all night, adrenaline coursing through me AFTER the whole thing was over. I was entirely safe. I was always entirely safe, but my mind is seriously freaking out, seeing the pictures of what happened over and over.

During the whole thing, I was waiting, calm but extremely awake. I never thought once that time was passing too slowly. I had no reference for time passing at all as we waited for help, as I held this woman’s hand and tried to stop the blood from her head and wondered if I should try to move her twisted leg and decided against it.

I can’t sleep more than 2 hours for 3 nights.

Then I start telling myself I shouldn’t be so freaked out, it didn’t even happen to me, no one died, what’s wrong with me am I too sensitive?

The truth is, that was a traumatic, sudden, surprising situation.

Often, sudden surprises like this are shocking….and they are The Worst That Could Happen.

But what I see now, from here, from doing The Work on this very situation even though it happened 26 years ago, was how everything was present there, including peace: support (the earth), first aid, me and my then-husband, a beautiful California night, my sister’s home, a quiet landscape with soft wind blowing.

Maybe it was the end of drinking for the mother, the end of her driving while drunk. Maybe it was the end of them not using seat belts.

I really don’t know what it meant in their story, all I can know is what I assumed it meant in mine. My entire psychic, physical, mental and emotional system held the belief “this is the worst, it should never happen, there is no good that can come out of this event or any event like it, the world is a dangerous place.”

Was it true?

Could I absolutely know that situation was 100% entirely dangerous, and no good could come from it?

No.

I’m here. Nothing fundamentally permanently terrible really happened, to be honest.

How did I react when I believed it was terrible, dangerous, horrifying?

Surged like an electric fence with anxiety. Repeating the event over and over and over in my head for days, then weeks, and even now I can remember it vividly.

Who would I be without the belief it was the worst that could happen, a terrible event….dangerous?

Huh? Weird.

Although I see, it’s only dangerous to my mind. This body was untouched. There were many healthy bodies all helping out. The hurt bodies of the boy and his mother appeared to be intact (not dead, that’s for sure).

What was in danger? My mind! My believing! Threatened! Scared! Panicked!

Who would I be without the thought the world is a dangerous place, as I consider that scene?

Somehow…..empty. But a good kind of empty, like a light unknowable, unknowing empty. It’s almost funny for some weird reason, right now.

Life went on. I have lived for 26 more years past that incident, and had many, many good times and awe-struck moments, and love, and peace, and awareness and difficulty and loss and clarity.

It seems we’re all here temporarily, I notice. What if this is a good thing? What if I trusted Reality?

Without the belief the world is dangerous, I notice I’m sitting at a table in a quiet living room, writing. I hear a lawn mower in the distance outside, and the refrigerator humming.

“Who or what would you be without this story? You’ve already been living the worst that could happen. Imagination without investigation. Lost in hell. No way out….But there’s not dark hole you can go into where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside of you if you nurture it for awhile. Then it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace