Tag: fear

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Want a new identity?

Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place
Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place

This month the Year of Inquiry program is looking at the body, physical conditions or limitations, feelings like “exhaustion” we don’t like.

But really, the sticky beliefs we have about the body are almost the same as the ones we have about anything that feels uncomfortable.

If it’s a person, an experience, a condition, an interaction, part of reality and it causes anxiety, heartbreak, worry, or rage…..

…..often we have the same reaction.

Kill it.

Now, I’m kind of joking around here.

But “kill it” can mean the following: get away from it, destroy it, figure out how to crush it or punish it or make it go away forever, work hard to eliminate it, seek help to change it, and never be happy unless it looks like you might be successful at putting an end to your contact with this thing, person, condition, interaction or experience. Forever.

People in Year of Inquiry were noticing weight, shape, or feelings all as being “wrong” and how much the mind suffers when something is present that it thinks shouldn’t be.

I’ve had the same feeling with people, or with the condition of “not enough money” or even towards my own MIND.

It’s a problem.

How to solve it?

Make it go away. It shouldn’t exist. Not like this.

But let’s look at “change” and the wish that something was different than it is.

I demand this to change. Now.

Can you feel the stress? The frustration? The fury at that thing Not Changing?

What if you wished this about your mind, and the act of thinking itself?

Yeah! It should be calmer! It shouldn’t run around like a Tasmanian Devil. My thoughts should be relaxed, still, sharp, genius, and non-judging, and Not Bored.

Haha! As if.

(You know the saying “as if”? You say it with sarcasm like a super rebellious teenager and it means….”As If that could EVER happen!”)

So let’s do The Work on this demand for something to change–even the mind itself.

Is it true that it should change?

Answer this question about whatever it is you really, really think would be waaaaay better if it changed, upgraded, improved, stopped.

Are you absolutely sure it should?

Um. Pretty sure. At least…..

…..dang, now I’m confused.

Maybe not. Maybe I can’t know if it should change, this thinking mind. I’m not really trying to MAKE it think. It’s just doing that.

How do I know it’s not supposed to, or that I’d feel better if it didn’t?

I know how I react when I believe my mind is a problem.

I hammer away at it. I read books about “thinking” and changing the mind. I feel irritated with it. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, that other people are enjoying out there. Poor me.

Who would I be without this belief, though?

Clunk.

Going blank.

You mean….no belief that this needs to change? No conviction that this is bad, and must be fixed?

Wow.

Wait, even the mind?

Yah.

What if you didn’t believe your evaluations were true, that this should go away, it needs to change, you will be happier later (and you aren’t right now)?

Who would you be without your thought that your thoughtsshouldn’t be as they are?

Hilarious, right?

“At the core of our suffering is the sense that something bad is happening to us. In fact, that’s what the word suffering literally means–to undergo or endure. There’s a sense of passivity (from the Latin passio, meaning ‘I suffer’), of not being in control, of being the victim of life….When the pain is not deeply accepted in this moment, I become ‘the one who is in pain’. And then the search is on. I do not want to be the one who is in pain. I want to escape pain. I want to be the one who is NOT in pain. I don’t want to be pain’s victim. I want a new identity!” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

What if you turned it all around and you stood here, right now, without any sense of anything being wrong, or happening to you….

….not the difficult person, your condition, your body, the uncomfortable moment, or your fearful or troubled thoughts?

No need for any new identity.

As if.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Much love, Grace

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It shouldn’t be dangerous

danger
it shouldn’t be dangerous….what’s the reality?

I enter a coffee shop with my laptop in my bag, ready to write.

Ready to inquire into something interesting, and commonly stressful.

Not sure what will come to mind to investigate, I buy my Rooibos tea and find a seat in the long, fairly full cafe.

There are empty tables spotted throughout the large space.

I do that thing where I place myself just about evenly between other groups, or tables where people are sitting, glancing slightly at the environment, placing my laptop facing away from a guy in the corner who has a….busy….energy, for want of a better word.

I take off my coat and place it on the opposite chair to the one I’ll be taking, and sit with my back to that guy.

I open my laptop, and I hear the guy say something.

“Can I open my mouth? Hey! I’m talking to you. Can I open my mouth? You! The one with the hat. Can I open my mouth?”

It’s an angry, haunted kind of question that doesn’t make sense.

I don’t have on a hat.

I don’t think he’s talking to me.

Although I did just have a hat on as I came in, and I placed it inside my bag. Was he looking at me before, when I entered the cafe?

Wait, is he on the phone maybe?

I look carefully.

“Can I open my mouth? Can I?”

 

He’s got weird eyes, rather intense.

I get up for a glass of water before starting to write in earnest, and he’s staring straight at me and still saying the same words. Like super sarcastic and creepy.

I get the water. My phone lights up as my good friend is calling me and I pretend to answer her call even though I know she’s just leaving me an important message and it’s not necessary for me to pick up.

I actually fake that I’m saying “hello” while gathering my stuff and I move to the front of the cafe, the opposite end from this quiet back area. I carry my full cup of tea in one hand, and the phone in the other, with coat and laptop and sweater tucked under my arms.

I sit by the big street window near the very front of the cafe instead.

No big deal.

But I notice a pretty stressful belief come through.

I stop the other writing I’m doing, on something completely different, and decide to write on this instead.

I’m creeped out.

Inside I’m saying “this place always is weird. It’s a strange coffee shop. There are weirdos in it every time, or just a weird feeling. It’s too dark. The music is sort of horror movie-ish. I shouldn’t come in here alone. This place is like the Devil’s Triangle.”

I kind of chuckle, though.

Not true.

Who would I be without these thoughts?

I’m being a little extreme, right?

I just happen to look up at movement out on the sidewalk after someone has left the cafe and I felt the cold air from several feet away from the door opening and closing. A person is walking by right outside the window I’m sitting next to now.

I catch the eyes of the same man, directly through the glass, looking in at me.

The guy who kept saying “Can I open my mouth?” like he was furious, and insane.

I look down and start to type, looking in a nonchalant way at the screen of my laptop.

I can see him standing there out of the corner of my eyes, maybe staring back at me. Not moving. Body still there.

Still there.

All of this through my peripheral vision.

I’m typing this.

Then I see him turn, and head down the dark, night time, wet street in the rain.

I don’t look up for a long time.

A moment like this can happen to anyone, anywhere.

What actually occurred?

Nothing much.

A man was acting angry, and sarcastic, and talking to someone, or himself out loud. Maybe talking to me.

I guess I knew to move away, to not engage.

But I want to inquire into the creeper energy, the one that says “it’s ALWAYS like this in this coffee shop. It’s dangerous.”

It shouldn’t be dangerous. He shouldn’t have been in here. He was too weird. Typical, for this coffee shop.

Is that true?

Yes.

I’d like to be able to come up here, buy tea, and not be worried about who or what is in this place! Jeez!!

I want to come and go as I please…..everywhere I please.

No weirdos!

Really?

Well.

No.

Something seems very unrealistic and a little off about that idea.

It really does not appear to be true.

How do you react when you think the thought that this place shouldn’t be dangerous, and I shouldn’t encounter a man talking angrily out loud or staring at me through the window?

Deciding I am never coming here again.

Freaked out.

Writing this.

Cold. Shivering even.

Checking the time until the dance class down the street begins.

Who would I be without the belief this place shouldn’t be dangerous and creepy?

I look up at a painting on the wall. It’s the body of a bride in a white satin dress, holding pale purple flowers, with a completely black body and black face full of dots of stars, no face at all, and geometric black hexagon shapes for hair that blend into a fully black background.

I notice, for some people, this might not be creepy at all. Lots of people are here, in fact.

But what if it is creepy, for me?

No need to fight anything.

Am I safe in this moment?

Very.

Without the thought, I notice I’m physically very, very safe….and I may not come hang out here any time soon.

Without the thought that it shouldn’t be dangerous, I notice I have fun noticing when something is, but not in a furious, deep, or defiant way.

It’s like the way I also know not to cross the freeway on foot, or jump out of an airplane, or contact that one friend right now, or climb Mt. Everest. People can do those things, and I find I’m not interested or drawn.

Maybe I don’t like when really angry-sounding people are talking around me, or staring at me. It’s OK not to like that.

Turning the thoughts around: it should be dangerous.

Well, it’s bringing this kind of “creeped out” feeling to my attention and giving me this wonderful opportunity to inquire into when these kinds of movements happen, without malice or anger or big fear myself.

In fact, I hardly feel any fear at all in my body.

I’m sitting, enjoying the typing flow, listening to the murmur of other voices, seeing the lights are on and people are drinking coffee and tea. I notice I’m not leaving yet and I’ll be a little late for the dance class and it’s fine with me.

Turning it around again: my thinking shouldn’t be dangerous, I shouldn’t be dangerous, especially in this situation.

For all I know, that guy thought I was.

I have no idea what he was concerned about, but it was important to him.

My thinking began to remember proof of moments being creeped out here before, but honestly, I can’t really remember anything specifically that ever happened.

I just notice, I don’t like the atmosphere. It’s dark and eerie and the art and music creates an ambiance of the macabre.

So maybe I’ll go dance class now.

And I’ll be on alert as I walk down the street, noticing movements and people and shadows. It’s the wise, interesting thing to do.

Nothing wrong with it.

My mind is a great story-teller. Creating images, and nervousness and spooky ideas about the man in the corner.

Turn Around: it shouldn’t be safe.

Oh. Got it.

With this whole situation, I have no idea what any of it really was. I may have misunderstood (probably).

I have no idea of that man’s orientation, who he saw as he looked, who he was talking to, what he was meaning, or if he was crazy.

I’ve experienced that same confusion, about myself!

Maybe he was me, looking at me through a window, telling the story about a dark and stormy night and creepiness and the vital question about if he can open his mouth.

I notice nothing actually happened.

I was completely, absolutely “safe”.

It should be dangerous. He should have been in here and I shouldn’t have been. I was too weird. Typical, for this mind.

And it doesn’t mean that’s now my favorite coffee shop.

I don’t think so.

Much love,

Grace

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Violent Thinking=Violent Feeling=Violent Acting

When you're afraid, and you believe it's all true, you may try to escape
When you’re afraid, and you believe it’s all true, you may try to escape

Eating Peace in-person 3 Day Immersion Retreat is coming October 9-11 in north Seattle or November 13-15 in Newark area outside San Francisco. (And I’ll teach it a third time Jan 22-24 here in Seattle again). Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs.

This Grace Note isn’t just for people with eating issues….

….it’s for those of us who do weird things that don’t make sense, that seem out of integrity to our truest nature.

Things that hurt, or hinder, or damage, or diminish something in our experience.

After many years of eating wars and studying how to stop the insanity I experienced….

….and then working with clients one on one for over a decade….

….I discovered some very common themes and deep-seated fears people experience who don’t know how to eat in peace.

Many of these things are true for people who eat without trouble, but do OTHER things without peace.

I started with myself, of course.

When it comes to the way I ate, I remember it well.

It was a *horrible* way to live.

Overeating, binge-eating, emotional eating, over-exercising, getting up at 5 am, avoiding meals with friends and family, pushing, pushing, pushing…..

…..ugh, what a nut-case.

What a painful life.

I didn’t know how to solve my problem of war-like activity. Constantly, my solution was to find a special or perfect way to do different activity. A different diet, a different exercise routine.

What I didn’t know was that the way I ate was not really my problem.

It was a symptom (you’ve all heard this before, I know).

My actual problem was war-like hateful thinking and feeling.

But I couldn’t see it at the time. I always thought something was wrong with me.

Thank goodness for the teachers, helpers, and healers I encountered along the way.

And thank goodness for my extreme, horrendous, life-threatening behavior…..because it made me HAVE to look, instead of avoid looking year after year.

Eating is NOT the only way war manifests in peoples’ lives.

Which is why I’m talking about it in Grace Notes (rather than only on Eating Peace news or videos, and if you want to see Eating Peace videos, just update your subscription at the very end fine print).

But you may have noticed, people have so many other very agonizing activities they engage in regularly that they don’t really want to be doing…..definitely not just food and eating.

So let’s take a look at how to work with difficult feelings (that lead to such difficult behaviors).

My thoughts and feelings in the past were violent.

When you believe violent thoughts about yourself, about your past, about other people…..you’re scared.

You feel powerless. You feel angry. You feel hateful.

Sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead.

Sometimes you ream on other people and categorize others as evil and dangerous (you’re violent in your mind towards them).

Even if you NEVER have taken a bite of food in your life that was emotional rather than based on physical need…..

…..you probably have done something in your life that you really wish you hadn’t, later.

You may have experienced the feeling of self-criticism, sadness, discouragement, depression or shame.

Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton of stuff about some topic it doesn’t matter sometimes how much you know?

You study about diet, or money, physical fitness, communication, relationships, business, health, success….

….but nothing really changes.

You still tank on the action becoming different.

You still yell at your kid, you’re still late, you still get super anxious, you still drink too much, you still spend a huge chunk of money outside of your budget, you still surf the internet for an extra two hours, you still worry, you still cheat on taxes, you’re out of integrity.

In Eating Peace we dive into the process of exploring how it happens that even with all the knowledge in the world about nutrition, diet, glucose levels, good-feeling foods, foods for your body type, cave-man diet, or mindful eating, or a getting a degree in medicine…..

…..you still eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat the foods you know don’t work well with your body.

I’m sharing this with you all (not just people interested in Eating Peace) because looking at stressful behaviors when you think you know better is seriously interesting.

And seriously disturbing and discouraging.

Doing something you’ve vowed not to do is also fairly common.

  • Why do I eat when I already know it ends in physical pain and I’m clearly not hungry?
  • Why do I spend money when I already decided I’m trying to save for that special thing and I want to do?
  • Why do I rip that woman to shreds in my head and decide to fire her without explanation?
  • Why do I fantasize regularly about my old boyfriend?
  • Why do I get all freaked out about the next steps in my career that are pretty obvious?
  • Why do I never sit down and finish that book proposal?
  • Why do I race from spiritual teacher to spiritual teacher and fifty retreats a year trying to find enlightenment?

When is enough, enough?

Why is it NEVER enough? (And like I said, this is not about only food and eating).

Well….heck…..

…..if I may be so bold to say: fear.

I think something, I am frightened, I believe it is true, I react.

There is no other possibility when I think what I believe is the truth.

But what if there was another way?

Another option?

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind–you are the one who hears it.” ~ Michael Singer

Answer this question. Use your imagination for good (not to terrify yourself).

Who would you be without believing your fearful thoughts?

Who would you be if you captured what you were thinking before you overate, or bought something you don’t even really care about, or broke up with your partner, or got together with your old boyfriend, or drank wine, or smoked a cigarette, or started worrying?

Who would you be without your thoughts about life, other people, success, God, you, money, other people….or other people?

(Notice how I have other people in there a few times? I did that on purpose).

Get yourself in a place where you can take the time to question what you think.

It helps to get facilitated. It helps to have a mentor, or a guide, or a teacher.

Who would you actually be, what would you DO, how would you behave, if you knew you could somehow be with fear without DOING something about it (like eat) or believing it to be 100% true?

Question your thinking, change your life.

That’s not a small thing.

It’s huge.

If you notice you have difficult thoughts about food (and you don’t have to have an eating disorder, or be overweight, or obsess about diets all the time) then come to Eating Peace.

Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs. Yes, that isn’t a typo. We stick together and stay engaged for many hours each day for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Even if we *think* it’s a big fat bummer and we need alone time and we have to go eat something ASAP or die.

You get to see if it’s really true.

Join me in this work I love.

Whether Eating Peace or another retreat–they’re all about the mind and feelings.

Question your thinking, and watch how you act and behave in the world simply change.

Without the violence of trying.

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. One person cancelled yesterday, and one person signed up, so there’s ONE spot open in the 3 day weekend for ANYONE starting this Friday in simple Self-Inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie. Dive into what scares, angers or saddens you the most about your life….and find freedom. Reply to this email if you want to join us in Seattle.

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Good News….This Is No Small Thing

Work With Grace
Question your thoughts, see the Good News

The other day, as I listened to the people inquire on the Summer Camp call, I had the thought…..people are absolutely astonishing.

So awake, so full of wisdom.

People have taken a dive in for only the first week out of five, and not everyone can make it to every call of course….

….but the thoughts being investigated for their truth are quite deep and expansive.

Here are a few of what we’ve been delving into so far:

  • I am (insert my name here)
  • I can’t stop with only one (cookie, kiss, thought)
  • I don’t want to be alone
  • I need more money
  • I need to be secure

When looking at stressful thought, we noticed how deeply and quickly it follows a dramatic trail of suffering sometimes.

One second, I’m on the couch being me, no worries.

The next second, a thought enters and I feel fear.

Something about this isn’t safe.

A participant in Summer Camp shared how she feels afraid so much of the time.

This basic very stressful thought is so powerful to question: I am not safe.

The first thing to do if you feel overwhelmed with fear, is to make a list of the top five things.

You might say “I have no idea, I just feel fear and anxiety! I’m an anxious sort of person! It’s terrible!”

Thank you for sharing, mind.

And now, pick just one thing you’ve found personally frightening in your life.

A specific situation.

This helps you get so very close and connected to that memory, that occurrence in your life….no matter how old.

You weren’t safe in that situation?

Is it true?

I notice when I have this belief that I wasn’t safe, every time, I survived.

Which is why I’m writing this now. I’m still here.

So no, it is not true that I wasn’t safe. Ever.

How do I react when I believe it’s possible to be threatened….

….and I have the proof of that particular situation I remember, the one where I thought I wasn’t safe?

I get all freaked out in the moment when I’m remembering it. I might even wake up at night, thinking. Even though I’m lying in bed, and it’s super safe.

Even though nothing is actually happening now….except thinking.

So who would I be without the belief in danger?

Alive. Laughing. Jumping in the water. Asking for help. Sharing. Slowing down. Watching.

Doing The Work.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you are (insert name here) or you need more of anything, or you can’t stop with just one, or you don’t want to be alone?

What if you turned all these around?

  • I am not (insert my name here)
  • I can stop with only one (cookie, kiss, thought)
  • I do want to be alone
  • I do not need more money
  • I already am secure

Could these be just as true, or truer?

I am already amazed by the wisdom and beauty of these fellow inquirers in Summer Camp For The Mind.Everyone brings to me the reminder, the joy and excitement, of what is available right here, right now.Freedom. Security. Safety. Silence. Mystery. Infinity. Trust.

“You’re imagining yourself right out of existence. It’s not a small thing we’re doing here….And there’s nothing that’s not good news, if your mind is right.” ~ Byron Katie speaking in Being With Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Summer Camp is still four more weeks starting Wednesday at noon. Click the link to see the schedule, and join us for the un-doing adventure. In a good way.
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Be Full of Love–Question Your Fears

So much can happen in a split second inside the imagination.

Get this.

I’m in a long-hours retreat weekend for three full days, 10 am until 11 pm-ish every day. It’s got the schedule of a hard-core zen retreat. We stand up and stretch for one minute intervals, there are two thirty minute breaks and one 90 minute meal break.

The second evening….or I should call it NIGHT since it was 11:45 pm, I decide to call my husband, hours away, on his own separate personal growth type retreat with a small group and a familiar beloved teacher for him.

As I walk to my car, my workshop day over, glancing at my text messages, emails and incoming calls missed all day, before I dial, I consider the hour.

It’s a bit late.

He might already be sleeping. He might be sleeping with a roommate or others in ear shot of the phone. He might be out of cell range. I have no idea of his environment.

Just about midnight.

I fire up the car, get the ice scraper out, clear the windshield. I begin my own drive home (for my retreat, I’m sleeping at home every night). I decide to go ahead and dial, thinking if he’s not available I’ll leave a newsy message, the kind I love to get, and wait to connect with him when we see each other again in person in a few days.

Ring Ring Ring.

I hear fumbling, a small thumping sound. Silence.

I say “hello?” Then I hear nothing. I check the phone screen. Yes, I am connected. Someone has answered his phone.

I say again “hello?”

Nothing.

I wait. It seems like I hear some foot steps. I imagine him quickly trying to hold the phone in a muffled position, exiting a dark room full of sleeping people, or a late-night retreat session, or a deep after-retreat-hours conversation about what’s being learned or discussed.

I better not talk, in case there’s total silence wherever he is and my voice would penetrate the room, coming out of the phone!

I wait. But then I say again….”Hello?” kind of anxious.

The phone screen shows seconds ticking by.

Then I hang up, feeling a little embarrassed.

Not that he would ever get upset about being called in the middle of something important, he’s not the sort to blame that on me, or anyone else. He’d be quite exceptional that way, actually, trusting that whatever incoming noises, rings and beeps occurred were for some good reason. He’d probably be amused about whatever went on. One of the most accepting and easy-going people I know.

And yet still. I should have known it was too late.

Arggh.

I should have asked him if I could call. I shouldn’t have rung his phone.

I turn on the CD and listen to a great lecture where I left off last time I was in the car, and listen to it all the way home.

In the morning, I notice….oh. There’s a voicemail.

From my husband. One minute after I phoned him last night.

He’s cheerily saying “what’s up? I saw you called but couldn’t hear anything! Call me back if you want.”

My imagination had gone through visions in tiny sparky flashes of my call causing a ring causing a disturbance causing irritation. My mind’s idea of the scene even pictured a frantic run out of a dark room, throwing a loud ringing phone out a window (what were those bump noises anyway).

My mind had even flashed on someone ELSE picking up the phone and answering it, someone who happened to be near my husband’s phone.

All that….and fortunately no intensity going anywhere. I slept well. No biggie.

But the scenes were there, the thinking had been immediately busy.

In those kinds of moments when worry starts to tweak you with pictures or creative ideas about what’s happening…

…remember to ask if it’s true.

Because, in that moment, that question was alive and well. I knew I had no idea what was happening. The movie playing was even rather entertaining.

But this is not always the case.

If you believe your worries, they turn into anxieties, then fear, then terror, then you’re flooded and overwhelmed with terrified feelings, darkness and hell.

All from not remembering to wonder “is this vision true?”

Reality check.

Look around. Nothing is happening.

I dialed a number. The phone on the other end was answered, apparently. There was a little sound, then silence.

That’s what actually happened.

One of my favorite things to do after learning of my mind’s capacity for fear-compulsion-addiction is to check out if things are true that I imagined, that I “guessed” were true.

When I called him back, I shared with him what I was seeing in my mind during those 46 seconds.

He chuckled and said “not even close.”

“It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life. As long as your experience of self and life is defined by the mechanical, conditioned, and compulsive movement of thought, you are bound to a very, very limited perception of what is real…..
…..Experience your eternalness, your holiness, your awakeness until you are convinced that you are never subject to the movement of thought, of fear, or of time. To be free of fear is to be full of Love.” ~ Adyashanti

Anyone can do this. You do not need to be special.

To be full of love, you need only to stop and see if what you are imagining is actually true.

See if there is something present besides thinking.

See if you are safe.

I don’t really know why and how my visions are created, and why so much believing, repeating thoughts, fixating on images and concepts has occurred in the past without questioning any of it.

One day, I found out about questioning what was real.

So now that I know about inquiry, now that I know to ask what is true….ahhhhhhh.

Drama, entertainment, and laughter for us all.

And lots of love.

You’re full of love, too. You might not see it if you’ve been scared, but I know it’s there.

Much love, Grace

P.S. There’s an opening in Year of Inquiry for our wonderful phone sessions. Gather with others and inquire every week via teleconference on a specific painful belief. Inquiry circle from anywhere in the world! Monthly fee, send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com for more information.

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What Was Terrible Changed When I Questioned It

It’s a bright autumn day. Everyone’s bundled in winter coats, freshly taken out of the closet for the colder months ahead.

It’s a family outing to visit my son for parent’s weekend at college.

We run into a favorite professor and have a fabulous conversation, we walk past my son’s classrooms, he points out buildings, he talks about red square, the fountain that spouts water perfectly in unison with the measure of the wind, designed by engineering students, so nobody ever gets splashed by wayward drops while standing or sitting nearby.

Then my son winces.

He’s had an earache, he says, and he’s trying to ignore it.

Immediately I think “Gosh. Let’s head for the student health center!”

He agrees. He’s never been before.

He’s suffered from ear infections in the past. Good to catch it before they’re closed all weekend. Free healthcare.

The whole family, including grandma, assembles in the waiting room. We have a great time talking.

My son beckons to me to follow when his name is called in the waiting room. Just like old times when he was a kid.

Or, maybe I automatically rose out of my chair and went.

There’s a chair for me, the mom, and a chair for my son, and a chair for the nurse. This is a quick intake set-up get-you-in-the-system interview, blood pressure, other basics.

My son answers questions.

And then.

“Do you use marijuana?”

My son hesitates. He looks at me. He makes an oops hesitant smile like, uh-oh, ha-ha.

“Yes”.

“More than once a week?”

“No”.

On the outside I am cool.

Inside I’m having a heart attack.

All my fears of drugs, addiction, failure, horrors, OMG my son’s derailing into a terrible world, come screaming to the surface.

NOOOOOOOOO!

Clearing throat.

Yeah. It was that dramatic.

On the inside.

We leave, have a great evening with our family, enjoy dinner.

I have to wait to sort out how I feel about this *shocking* situation.

Later, I do The Work.

Who would I be without the belief that it is alarming, or awful, or an emergency that my son said YES to using marijuana?

Jeez. A thousand times calmer, that’s for sure.

Who would I be without the belief that this is terrible, terrible, terrible and something surely terrible, terrible, terrible will happen?

Noticing an inner silence that accepts all things, including every kind of drug created by humankind.

I turn the thought around: This is wonderful, interesting information. This is an opportunity. This is not terrible. I can be real, honest. No one is out of control (except my own dramatic thinking). I get to see what I think is so scary about the news. I get to inquire.

After inquiry, I text my son. It’s been three days. I ask if we can skype later, and as always he enthusiastically agrees.

When we’re looking at each other on screen, I say…”That was kinda awkward, right? But I’d love to talk about it with you. I got scared…and…I know you’re very adult and very awesome. I appreciated you telling the truth, that was cool. Can I ask you some questions? Do you have any questions for me?”

He says…”Oh, I almost forgot about that moment, that WAS awkward.” We laugh.

I tell him some interesting family history with drugs and alcohol.

He mentions, before I even ask (it was one of my questions) that he’s smoked pot twice this past year.

Oh.

Not quite as horrifically bad as I pictured.

Ha ha!

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if the story went another way, and my son was experiencing pain and suffering…that would have its freedom, too.

Any situation offers innocence, peace and awareness. Just the right amount, for what I need.

Much love, Grace

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Cast Out Your Fear, With Inquiry

Before inquiry…a few very quick announcements:
  • Tomorrow in Seattle 9/28 at my cottage 4-6 pm meetup doing The Work. Beginners to experienced, all welcome. I supply materials and handouts, $10 but if you don’t have it, come anyway. Hit reply for more information. You must RSVP.
  • Mini retreat Seattle 10/4 1:30-5:30 pm learning The Work from start to finish, with the chance to learn facilitation too. 4 CEUs for mental health professionals. $70 includes snacks, tea and materials.
  • Last chance to get on the special Eat In Peace mailing list for the coming new program beginning at the end of October, a deep look at how to transform food and eating from mean to friendly. Click here to get on the early bird list.
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Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we wrapped up our month of September topic on Family of Origin. Those people who influenced us early on.

Hi Mom! Hi Dad!

Sometimes inquirers in the group have another person in theircurrent lives who bugs them instead. I always encourage them to follow their feelings and do The Work on that other person…you never know when the troubling person might actually be like mom, or dad, or brother, or sister.

We looked at the thought “that person shouldn’t scare me”.

Holy smokes…how many times have I thought this?

When I really think about it, I’ve been extremely upset with being scared.

Not only should people not scare me, but the weather shouldn’t scare me, dogs shouldn’t scare me, the future shouldn’t scare me, the past shouldn’t scare me, loud noises shouldn’t scare me, dreams shouldn’t scare me, other peoples’ stories shouldn’t scare me….

…..this entire world shouldn’t ever, ever scare me!!

I hate being scared. Who doesn’t?

But.

Let’s pause a moment, shall we?

What if fear, apparently, exists…and you allowed it to be here?

Who would you be, or what would that be like for you, if you didn’t feel afraid of feeling afraid?

It seems tiny, like a little thing.

You’d still be afraid, just not afraid of being afraid. So what’s the big deal? It’s all still hard, terrible, difficult, sad, and….well….frightening!

No….I don’t want to imagine not being afraid of being afraid. I want to have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER.

That’s what the mind will think about fear. It will try to help you find safety, to find solid ground. It’s doing its best.

Trouble is when I’ve been afraid of feeling afraid….things don’t exactly go smoothly.

Who would you be without the thought that the thing or person or place or incident shouldn’t scare you?

Weird.

But then, a little compassion for myself enters. I feel tender towards myself, like it’s OK to be afraid. Gentle to myself. Soothing.

As I turn the thought around…how could it be true or truer that the person in question should scare me?

Well….they were suggesting images of a terrible, worrisome future. They were frightened themselves, and I was connected to them. They wanted me to be careful, to not get hurt. They cared about me. They cared about themselves. They felt threatened.

“To depend on another psychologically–to depend on another emotionally–what does that imply? It means to depend on another human being for my happiness. Think about that. Because if you do, the next thing you will be doing, whether you’re aware of it or not, is demanding that other people contribute to your happiness. Then there will be a next step–fear, fear of loss, fear of alienation, fear of rejection, mutual control. Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency.” ~ Anthony DeMello

What if I was not crushed, terrified, destroyed by feeling fear?

I notice I haven’t been so far. I’m still alive.

Right?

Maybe the biggest turnaround is….

…I shouldn’t scare myself, and use other people to do it!

I shouldn’t take them so seriously. I should notice how I’ve made it so far (I haven’t died from too much fear). I’ve learned a lot in fearful situations.

“Reality is always kinder than the stories we tell about it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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The Safety of Silence When You’re Creeped Out

I want to stop thinking!!!  

Last night I had the rare experience (for me) of turning off the light to go to sleep, and then listening, waiting, seeing pictures floating in my mind, thinking about the Horrible Food Wonderful Food workshop and the cool new exercises, wondering about the neighbors, my schedule of clients the next day, that email I should have replied to.

It was weird, like a little machine was humming.

I know this is not uncommon, many people even feel concern about not being able to go to sleep fast. Most of my life, I’ve gone to sleep in like one minute, literally.

But last night, it was like I was excited!

I remember being fully awake in the middle of the night during a weekend retreat with Byron Katie on relationships.

Yikes. 3 am.

That time, I wasn’t really what I would call excited. It was more like worried, ruminating, anxious….OK, terrified.

Back then, it felt like hours of tossing and turning, and knowing my good friend was in the other bed and I didn’t want to wake her up by turning on the light. I kept looking at the red digital clock.

Lying there in the dark, feeling, thinking, imagining…..I was not identifying clearly what it was that was bothering me. I kept seeing various life issues of concern, mostly around past important relationships, present themselves.

Time to get up.

Because doing The Work in your head, I found soooo many times, is not really doing The Work. Mind is just too quick to get there, if there’s a hitch.

In the bathroom, sitting on the toilet with the lid closed shut, notebook on my lap and pen in hand, I began to write.

Writing down your thoughts, different things happen with the process of thinking.

You might think you’re working with the same mind. But it slows something down. Like breathing more deeply and slowly. Things can change in unexpected ways.

After scribbling wildly for what felt like another hour, checking the time again, hearing the deep breathing of my sleeping roommate still….

….I picked one thought: He is dangerous, he gives me the creeps. 

I started writing out my answers, even though my mind wanted to speed into this faster than a tornado. Even though the mind was commenting “writing is so slow, this is stupid, you’ll never learn anything, go faster, I’d rather do this work with Katie.”

 

I could also hear the turnarounds. I’d rather do this work with myself, this is going just the right speed, I am learning something right in this midnight moment, slow down.

Back to the thought.

Is it true that he is dangerous and creepy?

Yeah! He leaves cryptic messages. He’s sneaky. He’s unpredictable.

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

 

No. Not at all. I don’t even know him all that well. Weird. Why am I doing The Work on this right now? Don’t you have other better things to do the work on, like your divorce?

Back to the questions (after a five minute interlude staring into the bathroom mirror).

How do I react when I believe someone is creepy or dangerous?

How does it feel?

Like heightened alert mode. Tense. I avoid the area where he might go. I notice this kind of feeling inside with anything that’s “creepy”.

But who would I be without that story?

Lots of people will say that without the story, I’d be unsafe. I need to be worried about creepy people so I don’t get hurt.

But are you sure that if you have no concern, no repetitive anxiety, nervousness, or defensive shield that you won’t know not to go down a very dark alley?

It’s not denial. It’s crystal clear clarity. It’s not playing games, it’s trusting that your radar is guiding you.

Something perhaps OTHER than mind.

I turn the thought around, and this can be done on anything you think of as creepy: he is not dangerous, my mind is dangerous, I am dangerous.

I try that on. It feels lighter.

Well, sort of. You don’t need to berate yourself about it. It’s just noticing that you scare yourself, so who’s the dangerous one?

I notice I’m in a bathroom, all by myself, with bright lights and a pen and paper. I’m extremely “safe” except for my own thinking.

“Ultimately all fear is the ego’s fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Could it be just as true that some part of me wanted to keep thinking? Was that part of me afraid to let go of being identified with the mind?

And now suddenly…a freedom of feeling this present moment, right in the bathroom. And how safe I have been before up until now. And how safe it will be in the future, no matter what happens (even if the mind thinks it is not safe).

What if annihilation is wonderful.

It could happen.

“When the mind is free of all of its content, all of its conditioned thinking, it enters into the solitude of silence. That silence can only arise when one sees the limitations of one’s thinking. When one sees that his or her thoughts will not bring truth, peace, or freedom, there arises a natural state of silence and inner clarity. And in that silence there is a profound solitude…” ~ Adyashanti 

Yes, it is happening. Right now.

Right now.

Love, Grace

 

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Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.

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I’ll Control You By Avoiding You

When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.

They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!

That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!

But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?

As in, the opposite.

What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?

Could they be controlling, too?

Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.

Uh oh.

Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.

This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.

Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.

Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.

Yikes, heh heh, gosh.

Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.

In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!

I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.

I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”

I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.

So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!

It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.

Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….

Is it true?

Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?

Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?

No. But I sure feel anxious.

How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?

Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?

Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?

I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.

I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!

Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.

So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?

Woah.

I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.

Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….

….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.

I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.

I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”

At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.

If I have a question, I raise my hand.

I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.

A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…

…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.

I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30 

Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?

Yeah, that would be me.

Much Love, Grace