When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.
They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!
That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!
But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?
As in, the opposite.
What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?
Could they be controlling, too?
Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.
Uh oh.
Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.
This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.
Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.
Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.
Yikes, heh heh, gosh.
Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.
In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!
I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.
I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”
I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.
So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!
It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.
Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.
That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….
Is it true?
Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!
Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?
Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?
No. But I sure feel anxious.
How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?
Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?
Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?
I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.
I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!
Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.
So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?
Woah.
I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.
Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….
….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.
I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.
I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”
At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.
If I have a question, I raise my hand.
I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.
A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.
“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie
When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…
…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.
I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.
“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30
Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?
Yeah, that would be me.
Much Love, Grace