Tag: control

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When you think you only have two choices at a feast: gorge or vigilance, do this.

There’s a feast coming, a big event, a meal, a dinner, a soiree, a party.

Food will be there. In abundant quantities.

The way I always used to experience the feast, and the anticipation of it?

I’ll either white-knuckle control myself through it (and plan exactly what I’m going to eat beforehand)….OR….I’ll eat whatever I damn well please and gorge myself on whatever’s there.

There’s really another option besides these two.

We don’t have to fight a war.

Who would you be without the belief that you can’t relax in the presence of food, or eating, or other people eating, or people?

What if you felt mixed feelings, and you could STILL relax?

What if ultimately, being at a feast is not a huge wild overwhelming problem?

“The mind is like a friend. It comes to be questioned…As the assumptions come in, we can question them. I can’t control my mind, but I can question it. It leaves me in a place of curiosity. I don’t have to worry about it. I love the noticing. I notice thoughts about the past, I notice thoughts about the future. It’s such a privilege to be aware. I notice images of the past, future. But they aren’t real. Noticing what’s real and what’s not, it leaves mind at home with itself. Noticing, noticing, noticing.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. My one retreat all year on eating peace. A life-changing event, to experience peace with eating for 5.5 days, and work with the mind. Jan 9-14, 2019. Out-of-town people can reserve a room at the retreat house.
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Tech Support Nightmares…To Sweet Dreams

Facebook Live at 6 pm today Pacific Time for anyone and everyone who wants to join me for inquiry on wanting to control what’s happening. Facebook page is here and you simply go to that page for these live shares, and you’ll see me visible in a post area. If you miss it live, it’ll be recorded and stay right there on the page to watch later, including any mistakes or goofiness that happens. Live, unedited inquiry.

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And so for the seventh morning in a row, I checked to see if my websites were acting “normally”.

As in, you type in the name of the site, and voila, you arrive there on your computer. It’s what we tend to expect when exploring or finding something online.

But no.

My daily call to Tech Support is the next step so yet another tech support person might help address this problem of why my sites say they are “not secure” when they in fact are.

No one can visit them. Including me.

All the people in Eating Peace Process can’t access their presentations and recordings at the eatingpeace.com. Anyone wanting to read or comment on Grace Notes or look up the spring retreat dates can’t see them at workwithgrace.com. Seattle folks who want to dance on Saturdays can’t find driving directions at freeformdancedance.com.

This is a disaster! (LOL, you know where this is going, right?)

What I love about The Work is you get to start at the beginning with question one, instead of wildly romping through how you react without pause. You’re already reacting, when you feel upset, frustrated, depressed, disappointed.

The Work let’s you slow it all down, name your belief in the form of a statement, and look objectively at what you’re thinking.

My websites should be working. They should be accessible. They should NOT show weird error warnings that they aren’t ‘safe’.

Is it true?

Yes!!

What is going on?!

I pay for these sites to work! They have something-or-other called an SSL installed for security. They are “safe”! They don’t have viruses. They haven’t been hacked. The support people should fix this NOW.

Can you absolutely know this is true?

Ugh.

No.

What I notice in reality is that something funky happened with a migration of hosting–in other words, moving my three sites to a different place in the great big network of the internet (don’t worry, you don’t have to be technical to get the point).

Can I absolutely know it’s true something shouldn’t have gone wrong? Everything “should” be the way it used to be? That I shouldn’t need to wait, or call, or have this so-called problem?

No. What’s the reality of it?

There are no working sites for these three information spots. Are these sites really necessary for world peace? No. Is it really a disaster? No. Am I sure it should go differently than the way it’s going? No. Is it really a hassle to make phone calls to Technical Support? No.

How do I react when I believe this “problem” is happening, and it shouldn’t be?

OMG.

I sigh deeply. I think about ending this relationship with the company that hosts my sites. I go back and forth between aggression and helplessness.

Divorce! Cut off! Good riddance! I’m never gonna be your friend again! Anger! Disappointment! Complaining!

But who would you be without this belief, that it shouldn’t be going the way it’s going and these sites should be “working” and accessible?

Haha.

Almost funny to think of this wondering.

Without this belief, I’d be goofy dancing to the On Hold music which is now becoming very familiar.

Feeling interested in each new individual I speak with, marveling at all the different voices, questions, and at how  everyone is to try to do the best they can to help and take lots of notes and send the problem on to another higher level expert (their idea).

Kind of excited by my own awareness that when I see things aren’t resolved yet, I wait and I get interested myself in the problem solving. I read and learn things on the internet about what could be wrong. I’m super curious. It’s actually fun.

Like figuring out what’s happening in any machine or system….how fascinating. This approach applies to all things technical and internet, but also a flat tire, the broken dishwasher, the drivers-license renewal queue, the clogged drain, a science experiment, something hurting in the body, money, and relationships.

Yes, even relationships.

Because this feels like a new attitude, when I question my thinking.

Without my beliefs of how it shouldn’t be the way it actually is, I continue on with the process, the dance, the intrigue. I keep going with the project. I wonder “wow, this will be interesting to see what happens next!”

Maybe I do shut down everything and move on to other adventures that don’t involve websites, but who knows?

What lightness, without these beliefs that what I’m focusing on should be any different. I still have the vision of participating with change, the curiosity, being connected and involved in this predicament.

And it’s fun instead of aggravating.

Turning the thoughts around:

My websites should NOT be working. They should NOT be accessible. They should show weird error warnings that they aren’t ‘safe’.

My thinking should be working. My thinking should be accessible. My thinking should should show weird error warnings that these thoughts aren’t ‘safe’.

Aren’t these turnarounds a delight to find?

How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I’m learning some interesting things about the backend of websites. I’m aware of my commitment to understanding.

I get to respond to emails that have been forgotten as I wait on hold, and write this very inquiry out. I get to see how it doesn’t really matter, in a good way, that a website can’t or can be seen on the web. Everyone who needs access to something on one of the websites has written me via email and I’ve been able to solve or find answers for everyone, 100% of the time.

And oh boy, the turnarounds to the thinking….so great:

My thinking IS showing weird error warnings that my thoughts aren’t safe. I was noticing stress, nervousness, frustration. But now, it’s all kind of collapsed as I felt the red lights flashing (in the form of emotions) and stopped to question.

My thinking is now working for me. Open to the next step, which is to await someone to email me back as they dive more deeply into this issue. I picture several experts all putting their heads together to see how to solve this.

My attention turns to working with a client, then the money teleclass in a few hours, then more clients.

There is no emergency, and in many ways (in every way), no issue whatsoever.

Ahhhhh.

Much love,

Grace

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Thinking of quitting? It’s probably not up to you. Drop the probably.

The other afternoon, a thought popped into my head. It wasn’t exactly peaceful.

“You should just quit.”

The thought was about working. Running my business, doing The Work for a living.

Right in the middle of an afternoon.

  • this will go on forever
  • I’ll never have any savings (or enough of ‘x’)
  • you haven’t amounted to much
  • so what (referring to just about anything)
  • I can’t retire like other people
I thought about canceling my noon yoga class, and the plan to work on the chapter I’m writing for an upcoming book on The Work, and definitely let’s not think about another podcast.
Who cares! 
The funny thing was, it was probably my brain trying to get me to take a break, go outside, relax. Or it was just a random suggestion. I love how the mind will recommend quitting when things seem a little bit hard, or very hard.
I notice these “So What” kinds of thoughts about work and projects come in only when I’m pushing hard, not taking any breaks, skipping meditation, not pausing to do The Work, avoiding rest.
But people, including me, frequently have this thought about quitting when they get upset with someone, feel pushed in between a rock and a hard place, and don’t know another way out. In an extreme way, “quitting” is what people are doing who feel suicidal and imagine exiting life here on planet earth.
Do you have anything you’ve thought about quitting recently?
You should.
Is it true?
No.
How do I react when I have the thought I should quit?
I have pictures of a future where I am no longer doing the thing. No longer in that relationship. No longer going to that location. No longer doing that work.
It is really amazing how powerful the urge to LEAVE is. Cut ’em off! I’m never speaking to her again! Goodbye forever! I quit!
Who would I be without the story of quitting?
Noticing I continue. I stick with the person, situation, circumstance, activity, or not. And it may have little to do with the thought of quitting.
Or nothing at all to do with it.
Turning the thought around: I don’t quit. I quit my thinking. “It” quit me.
All of these options have been true….and now that I think about it and do The Work on this idea of quitting….
….I’m not sure I’ve ever been the one that made quitting happen. I either just knew it was time to stop, or not. Perhaps fatigue and exhaustion caused quitting. Perhaps an awareness the thing wasn’t required resulted in quitting. Perhaps doing The Work caused quitting.
Perhaps there was no quitting whatsoever, even though the idea ran so loudly through my mind.
Here I am writing down the thoughts, sharing them with other people, doing The Work right in front of everyone (as a reader once said to me).
“I follow the way of it, which is always revealed in the moment. It’s God’s will, and it’s always crystal clear. When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you…..This morning I had the thought to shower, and I notice that I stayed with the email. I find that fascinating. Showering was a wonderful idea. Will it move to that, or not? It’s exciting to wait and watch and allow life to move at its own pace as it continues to do what it does.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy
 
I have the idea to quit. I don’t quit. I have the idea to quit. One day I do.
Is it happening because I’ve decided so?
Never.
There are so many beautiful complexities to the life, the flow, the world. They include this mind, sometimes talking it seems to no one.
The ultimate full-blown complete opposite turnaround: I should just begin. But it’s already happening.
  • this will go on forever YAY!
  • I’ll always have enough of everything I need! WOOHOO!
  • you haven’t amounted to much, which is PERFECT
  • so what (referring to just about anything) HOORAY!
  • I can’t retire like other people. SO LUCKY!
Every new moment, beginning fresh. Looking around at the unknown, the mysterious, the shape of this room, the going for a walk, returning home, writing. Activities did change today. Nothing quit. Life is still here, continuing, never-ending. Always more possibilities, always room for The Work, always life just here, being.

Much love,

Grace

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The Truth About Parenting: You’re Outta Control

If you couldn’t successfully click the other day on the link for all the scoop about the Money class that starts tomorrow, that was me the techno-dork.

Click Here to learn more and to register, or reply back to this email to write. If you’re already signed up, you’ll get all the information in your Inbox this evening.

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I’ve heard from several people, and clients, in the past month working on their stressful experiences while parenting.

One of my favorite subjects, because it brings up so very much about care-taking other humans, and care-taking yourself all at the same time.

Mission Impossible?

Recently a wonderful inquirer wrote to me asking me some fantastic questions about being with his kids, staying in your own business (as Byron Katie suggests) and handling regular everyday “situations”. 

The clock says 7:55 am. You need to leave the house at 8:00 am. The kids are not getting ready, they aren’t getting their shoes on. 

Sound familiar?

Or, they are not going to bed. Bed time is 9:00 pm. It is 9:15 pm. (For some reason, this is hilarious to me in this moment….and not exactly hilarious in the past).

What about the mess…the piles of stuff on the couch, when you would prefer it were in a drawer in their bedroom?

Byron Katie speaks about there being three kinds of business: God’s business (all that you clearly cannot control, or is run without your understanding or consent), Other Peoples’ business (their life path, their choices, their personal experiences) and Your business (your own actions, your words, what you do, think, or say). 

It works best if you stay in your business. 

Trying to be in Other Peoples’ business or God’s business will make you cray-cray. Including with your kids.

So what are your thoughts in that moment, when in five minutes, you plan on departing for the bus, but shoes are not on feet?

  • they should be getting ready
  • they are ignoring me
  • we can’t be late
  • they don’t go fast enough
  • my kids are an imposition, impossible, loud, too boisterous
  • they don’t listen to me (which means, they don’t do what I say)

Usually there are ideas about what should or should not happen living inside the parent’s mind. It doesn’t look good. It should go that other way, not this way.

Help!

If you hold that situation right in your mind and answer all the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, you might find more than what I’ve listed here. But let’s look at these.  

Is it true that they should be “x” (getting ready, getting up, moving faster, helping)? Should they be doing what I say? Does this scene MEAN that they don’t respect or listen to me?

Argggh! Yes!!!!!

Are you sure?

No. 

How do you react when you believe this situation is troubling? That these kids are impossible, difficult, hard to raise, or they don’t listen?

If you could see a short one-minute film of my life fifteen years ago, you would see how I reacted. Raised voice. Slammed door. Boiling blood, from the inside. Torn up about lateness, “losing” it. Yelling.

I was definitely in my kids’ business. THEY should be doing what I dictate. 

I love The Work, though…because its a way of seeing what you actually believe in those heightened energy moments, slowing everything down into very slow motion, and examining it.

Who would you be without those thoughts? If you just arrived from another planet, and you are the parent, it turns out. And you must leave the house in five minutes. Shoes would be nice. 

Without the thought that lateness is the worst that could happen, or that sock feet are a disaster, or that you are being disrespected or ignored?

“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.” ~ Bill Cosby

I have found such freedom as I returned again, and again, to this exciting view of who I would be without these thoughts.

Without thinking that I KNOW what should be happening. Without understanding what is going on, or being afraid that something terrible will happen (no shoes, lateness, cut fingers, judgments from teachers, or other parents, or your boss).

Without these thoughts about parenting, and staying in my business, which means taking care of myself and saying “yes” or saying “no” when it is the truth for me, I relax. 

No expectations. Open hands. Surrender. 

I remember my sense of humor, which is really big and brings up the laughter. Not so serious at all. Not bracing against the noise, or the commotion, or the lack of action. I feel rooted, and I repeat my requests and hear what is said back and feel very alive and connected. 

“I lost my children. They died to me. I don’t share my life with them. I invite them, they say “yes” or “no”. They invite me and I say “yes” or “no”. All their lives, I separated them and said Don’t Fight, and I noticed they did it anyway….The more you try to change their path, the more depressed you’ll become. Manipulation and control is not love….’I don’t have any control’ is much more real than ‘I have control’.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thoughts all around: those kids should be doing what they’re doing, being how they are in that situation. Without shoes.

How could that be as true, or truer? 

Much love, Grace

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Worrying About Wants, Cravings and Desires

When people have the experience of over-doing, over-indulging, going too far, having too much, stuffing in work, food, money, experiences, love, sex….

grabbing, craving, wanting, getting, gimme…..

….there is often a judgment that follows about this feeling of desire that it is to be avoided, crushed, and suppressed.

Pleasure? Bad. Desire? Worse. Obsessive craving? Horrid.

Based on past experience of how horrible it feels to have a hangover, or be stuffed with food, or neglect your kids because you’re working so hard….the mind thinks “this craving must be stopped, it’s dangerous”. 

I sure thought that.

So have many people I’ve worked with on their addictive experience, whatever it is. Not just food (my personal favorite) but all kinds of other cravings.

People have told me they wished they could have a lobotomy and cut out the part of their mind that WANTS.

I think the Puritans agreed. And Ascetics.

Anyone interested in controlling themselves and practicing abstaining from “that-seductive-thing”.

Well, that never worked well for me. Like not even for 5 minutes. And I felt really, really bad about it.

Recently, I was remembering a short period of time where I felt that obsessive form of energy about a man.

Instead of cringing the minute I remembered that crush-fear-danger-magnetic-disgust….

….I let the memory live in my mind.

Those memories that make you cringe? GREAT ones for The Work of course!!

Bring ’em on!

That attraction was dangerous.

Is it true?

Yes. He was nuts, he lied, he dropped off the face of the earth, he was depressed. I was SAD.

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the feeling of attraction was dangerous?

No!

Were my binge-eating, drinking, smoking, over-working, addictive drives ultimately dangerous?

No. I’m still here.

Things got broken apart. Ideas got torn up. Plans got blitzed.

And something new started in its place. Something much more peaceful and expansive.

Something was always there underneath all the destroying and creating going on up on the roller-coaster ride mental surface.

How do I react when I believe that all this wanting or craving is bad news?

I’m against all wanting, craving, desire. I think I need to be vigilant.

I start being against hunger, against the body having needs, against noticing what I find pleasing.

It all gets balled up in one big thought that I want to throw all craving in the garbage.

And if I have one second of craving, I call myself an idiot.

Ouch.

Who would you be without the thought that craving, desiring, wanting, or reaching is bad for me, dangerous, destructive, or wrong?

You mean….this craving could be safe? Neutral? Not something to be afraid of? Natural?

Not something I have to DO something about?

Yes.

Here’s the amazing thing that happens, and I began to notice this long ago around food and eating. If I paused and made no decision, didn’t hack the feeling to bits….

….relaxed, waited….sometimes only for one moment….the craving passed.

Like a wave.

“Each time we move to modify, alter, neutralize or try to get rid of the energies arising, we’re back in the cycle of addictive seeking. We’re looking for something else, something more. We’re trying to control our experience and the thoughts and feelings coming through. We’re overlooking the natural rest of presence.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Turning the thought around:

Being drawn over towards something out there (including a person) is safe, good.

I come back to me, here, now and feeling this thing I’m calling a craving, or an attraction.

Let it be.

Allowing any desires, wants, pleasures to arise and be present….I notice they NEVER stay in the same place.

They build, they shift, they change, they fall away. They are created and they are destroyed. 

“Thoughts are like the wind, or the leaves on the trees, or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go.” ~ Byron Katie 

The relief of knowing that the actual feeling of craving is safe, and normal, can be very liberating.

Who are you without the thought that your attractions are dangerous?

With love,

Grace

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Finding Your Out-of-Control Place

Last night as I drove my car, my attention was drawn to my right hamstring and the pain that had recently increased, rather than decreased.

The pain is supposed to be going DOWN. Not UP.

It was hurting just to sit in my nice sheep-skin padded car seat. I had to lean way to the left and shift around constantly.

My mind started to replay the scene of the crime. The incident.

OK, so if I landed like THAT when trying to do the gymnastics move, then the weight would be like THIS and it must have pulled on THAT and yanked on THIS….

…What muscle, bone, tendon thing got pulled????

My mind thinks it can find out the answer, and therefore get closer to a solution, if it knows EXACTLY what happened.

There in the quiet car, I smiled for a moment when I realized that this happens with emotional pain as well.

There’s an incident. A blow. Mean words. A shock.

Something feels “ouch”.

Then there is a bracing against the pain. Sometimes a huge wall is built against that pain, closing off all fun, pleasure, relaxation and happiness.

As time passes, following the event, the mind returns over and over again to other scenes….how we could have avoided this, how we can prevent it from ever, ever happening again in the future.

It’s sooooo stressful to be so cautious, careful, nervous, and hurt.

I remembered, in the quiet car, that I could do The Work on the frustration and disappointment with this physical “problem”.

It’s a problem…is it true?

Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a problem! I am not supposed to be in pain! This must be fixed! NOW. Something is wrong!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that this is a problem?

A woman I worked with recently who has been suffering because her partner left her answered YES, this is absolutely a problem.

NOTHING good about this. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But could I know this about my hurting ham string? What a strange question.

It is so assumed that pain is a problem, and the goal is to never have it.

Physical or emotional.

But I know that in my life, some of the most painful, excruciating experiences ever led to peace, success, trust and love that I had no idea could exist.

I’m not sure what benefits could come from a hamstring injury…but I have the feeling, from doing The Work for awhile now, that there’s been one.

Which might mean it’s not exactly an absolute problem.

So, no. I don’t know for sure.

But even if you answer “yes” that you know it is absolutely true that you have a major problem….keep going through the steps of inquiry.

How do you react when you believe you are hurt, and it’s horrible?

I believe life sucks. I ask God/Source why it’s set up like this (I have doubts and I’m very suspicious). I think “I’m so vulnerable”.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel *rage* and despair. I try to ignore what happened, or the pain I feel.

I don’t call the doctor. I give up.

So….ready? Who would you be without the thought that this is such a problem? Without the thought that this is terrible, long-lasting, never-ending? That you can’t get over this?

Without the thought, my pain feels sort of…..interesting.

I notice I’m breathing, living, able to work, teaching my teleclasses, going about my world to the library, the market, flying on airplanes, doing stuff on the computer.

I’m not actually thinking of my pain 24/7.

Sometimes I’m asleep!

Turning the thought around, I consider that this pain, this diagnosis, this condition, this situation, this event…..is NOT a problem.

What if it’s a solution?

Well, I’ve changed around my gym routine entirely and notice I like doing something new. I’m stretching more.

I stand more often, instead of sit and slouch. My back is happier.

I met really nice people at the physical therapy place, I learned a bunch of stuff about legs, bones, hips, muscles. I’m considering going swimming for the first time in 20 years—and I used to swim competitively.

How could I live this turnaround, trusting that something is inviting me to a new experience, a new life, a new place?

Wow. That is VERY exciting to think of what this could be offering my life, drawing me to do differently.

What if this situation is beckoning me to an alternative, a change in my mind, surrender, relax, rest, wait, be?

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it–the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it…..Go back with it again. It’s apart–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could there be a place in you where there is no concern for this situation?

I can find it.

If you’re interested in studying pain, sickness and death…I would love for you to join me on a six week teleclass journey beginning Tuesday, October 29th 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time. Register Here to Join Me!

There’s no guarantee of changing anything physically. You know this. But you may find the incredible lightness that can occur with a change in the mind!

Pain After The Work
“During the retreat I did work on pain. The next week I ceased taking a variety of pain medicine. All over the counter & prescription medication as well as more stronger stuff like opium & Kava. The result of that action was a dramatic reduction in body pain! Who’d a thunk it!” ~ Washington

Love, Grace

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I’ll Control You By Avoiding You

When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.

They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!

That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!

But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?

As in, the opposite.

What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?

Could they be controlling, too?

Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.

Uh oh.

Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.

This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.

Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.

Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.

Yikes, heh heh, gosh.

Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.

In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!

I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.

I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”

I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.

So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!

It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.

Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….

Is it true?

Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?

Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?

No. But I sure feel anxious.

How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?

Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?

Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?

I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.

I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!

Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.

So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?

Woah.

I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.

Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….

….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.

I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.

I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”

At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.

If I have a question, I raise my hand.

I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.

A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…

…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.

I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30 

Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?

Yeah, that would be me.

Much Love, Grace