And now for some more mental spring cleaning.
Yesterday the Money Inquirers met for the last time to listen, share and inquire into troubling money situations.
These can seem almost infinite.
Everyone got to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful moment with money, and then we heard three wonderfully different and common, powerful stressful situations with money.
1) I just got hired, ready to start my first day of training….and they email me to say oops, the previous employee is taking the position, sorry!
2) I’ve started a business, I have tons of training and experience, and I’m anxious about my hourly rate. I want it low to make it work for everyone. (But will people think it’s TOO LOW and not trust my expertise?)
3) My neighbor knows I’ve got money and don’t have to work at a job….but I resent her sending a donation envelope for her charity without ever getting to know me personally! She shouldn’t ask!
Aren’t these fantastic??!
Do they help you think about your own moments with money, and other people, and other people’s money or needs….or work, career, savings accounts, hopes and dreams?
The thing is, your money story can be so stressful you’re freaking out about it, and not even sleeping at night. And this goes for people who have a ton of money, or people who have very little.
So let’s take just one, through the process of inquiry.
Because an inquiry per day, keeps the freak-out away! (Kinda like an apple a day keeps the doctor away).
I’ve had every single one of these thoughts above….and many that these brave inquirers found on their fully written worksheets on their stressful situations.
Here’s the one that bubbled to the surface for me: he shouldn’t ask me for money.
Oh boy.
We were in a restaurant, and a whole bunch of people ordered different things, with separate checks for all. But my husband and I have been to that restaurant many times before, with the same awesome friends even, and we always combine our bill.
I ordered quite a bit more. He wasn’t eating a full meal.
Later, he asked if I could contribute for my share. He had kindly pulled out his card and paid the whole thing, including whatever I ordered.
I felt a little embarrassed for not thinking of it. And OK, I’ll admit it, a little disappointed. Like a little secret hope that this person, called husband, will pick up the tab.
Not long ago, a beautiful inquirer had a worksheet on HER partner, and how he asked for her to pay two-thirds of the grocery expenses since she had a kid from her previous marriage who was a 19 year old young man….who let’s face it, probably eats a whole lot.
These requests are completely fair, no question.
But this inquiry is for that little part that wants Someone Else to pick up the extra, or Not Mind about paying a little more. Someone Else shouldn’t care about that money. There should be a financial special benefit for sharing in partnership…..called they chip in more-than-whats-fair sometimes.
Yeah, that’s it…..Someone should want to treat me. He shouldn’t ask for money. She shouldn’t ask for money.
You can find your own situation where you’ve had this thought. Maybe it’s with a tattered person with a cardboard sign being a little aggressive on the corner.
Is it true?
Yes! Waaaaaah! I don’t like them asking! They really shouldn’t!
LOL.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No. Not at all. I’ve wanted independence, freedom, clarity, and not to have any expectations about financial support….but to find my own strength and connection with money, and my own answers.
Who would you be without this story of wanting Someone to Not Ask?
I’d notice them asking.
I’d consider their question, freely, openly.
If I have a “no” for the answer and it seems fair (like someone asking for charity for example) then I tell the truth…..”NO”.
Byron Katie, talking with an inquirer upset about her grown young adult son asking her for money: “Let’s role play. You be your son, and I’ll be you, OK?”
Inquirer: Mom, can you give me some money? I want to buy some killer sunglasses.
Katie: No.
(Laughter).
Inquirer: But MOM! You’ve always given me money!
Katie: Honey, that’s absolutely true. I always have so far. And today, I’m not. I was lying in the past.
Inquirer: Dad gives me money, and more than you.
Katie: Isn’t that wonderful?
Inquirer: You’re selfish!
Katie: I know! I finally realized I’m very, very selfish! I haven’t been telling the truth, I’ve been all twisted up about saying “no” and I’ve said “yes” instead. From now on, I want to be fully honest. I love you very much, and I’m not giving you any money.
*PING*!
My mind has an Ah-Ha moment listening to this conversation (all paraphrased by the way, by me).
I become aware that it’s beautiful, and normal, and REALITY to be selfish and to ask for what I want.
It doesn’t even have to be fair, or equal, or just.
Anyone’s allowed to ask for whatever they want to ask for.
Anyone’s also allowed to say “no” to anyone asking. And if I feel worried about saying “no” I can question why it’s scary, or what I think it means about me that’s painful.
Turning the thought around: He should ask me for money. She should ask for money. I shouldn’t ask ME for money (expecting me to say yes when I don’t mean it). I shouldn’t ask them for money.
This doesn’t mean none of this should ever happen, it’s just seeing the advantages or examples of when they do.
If there really is no “should” or “shouldn’t” about what’s happening with money….who knows what is possible.
Now, here’s the actual truth of this situation with husband.
Several years ago when we met and into our dating (second marriage for both), I asked him if he would be willing to be the one to pay when we went to restaurants. I said I would pay him back, and pay for my part equally if he wanted it later, but I really would love him to pick up the tab and take out the credit card and be the one to have a wallet on him and make the actual payment on location.
I loved not having to remember to bring my purse. I loved someone else saying “I got it”. Maybe a little goofy, and old-fashioned. Or a lot.
But he agreed. This recent situation was one of the few times he said “I could use a contribution”. And honestly, he didn’t even ask me for exactly all of my portion of the bill.
So yeah.
Reality is kinder than my thoughts about it. Way.
“Everything turns out to be a gift–that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is–not the world’s truth. And then it is all revealed to you. There isn’t anything you have to do. The only thing you’re responsible for is your own truth in the moment, and inquiry brings you to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much love,
Grace