Tag: the work on money

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An inquiry per day keeps the freak-out away!

Question daily. Discover the truth. (And ask for what you want)!

And now for some more mental spring cleaning.

Yesterday the Money Inquirers met for the last time to listen, share and inquire into troubling money situations.

These can seem almost infinite.

Everyone got to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful moment with money, and then we heard three wonderfully different and common, powerful stressful situations with money.

1) I just got hired, ready to start my first day of training….and they email me to say oops, the previous employee is taking the position, sorry!

2) I’ve started a business, I have tons of training and experience, and I’m anxious about my hourly rate. I want it low to make it work for everyone. (But will people think it’s TOO LOW and not trust my expertise?)

3) My neighbor knows I’ve got money and don’t have to work at a job….but I resent her sending a donation envelope for her charity without ever getting to know me personally! She shouldn’t ask!

Aren’t these fantastic??!

Do they help you think about your own moments with money, and other people, and other people’s money or needs….or work, career, savings accounts, hopes and dreams?

The thing is, your money story can be so stressful you’re freaking out about it, and not even sleeping at night. And this goes for people who have a ton of money, or people who have very little.

So let’s take just one, through the process of inquiry.

Because an inquiry per day, keeps the freak-out away! (Kinda like an apple a day keeps the doctor away).

I’ve had every single one of these thoughts above….and many that these brave inquirers found on their fully written worksheets on their stressful situations.

Here’s the one that bubbled to the surface for me: he shouldn’t ask me for money.

Oh boy.

We were in a restaurant, and a whole bunch of people ordered different things, with separate checks for all. But my husband and I have been to that restaurant many times before, with the same awesome friends even, and we always combine our bill.

I ordered quite a bit more. He wasn’t eating a full meal.

Later, he asked if I could contribute for my share. He had kindly pulled out his card and paid the whole thing, including whatever I ordered.

I felt a little embarrassed for not thinking of it. And OK, I’ll admit it, a little disappointed. Like a little secret hope that this person, called husband, will pick up the tab.

Not long ago, a beautiful inquirer had a worksheet on HER partner, and how he asked for her to pay two-thirds of the grocery expenses since she had a kid from her previous marriage who was a 19 year old young man….who let’s face it, probably eats a whole lot.

These requests are completely fair, no question.

But this inquiry is for that little part that wants Someone Else to pick up the extra, or Not Mind about paying a little more. Someone Else shouldn’t care about that money. There should be a financial special benefit for sharing in partnership…..called they chip in more-than-whats-fair sometimes.

Yeah, that’s it…..Someone should want to treat me. He shouldn’t ask for money. She shouldn’t ask for money.

You can find your own situation where you’ve had this thought. Maybe it’s with a tattered person with a cardboard sign being a little aggressive on the corner.

Is it true?

Yes! Waaaaaah! I don’t like them asking! They really shouldn’t!

LOL.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

No. Not at all. I’ve wanted independence, freedom, clarity, and not to have any expectations about financial support….but to find my own strength and connection with money, and my own answers.

Who would you be without this story of wanting Someone to Not Ask?

I’d notice them asking.

I’d consider their question, freely, openly.

If I have a “no” for the answer and it seems fair (like someone asking for charity for example) then I tell the truth…..”NO”.

Byron Katie, talking with an inquirer upset about her grown young adult son asking her for money: “Let’s role play. You be your son, and I’ll be you, OK?”

Inquirer: Mom, can you give me some money? I want to buy some killer sunglasses.

Katie: No.

(Laughter).

Inquirer: But MOM! You’ve always given me money!

Katie: Honey, that’s absolutely true. I always have so far. And today, I’m not. I was lying in the past.

Inquirer: Dad gives me money, and more than you.

Katie: Isn’t that wonderful?

Inquirer: You’re selfish!

Katie: I know! I finally realized I’m very, very selfish! I haven’t been telling the truth, I’ve been all twisted up about saying “no” and I’ve said “yes” instead. From now on, I want to be fully honest. I love you very much, and I’m not giving you any money.

*PING*!

My mind has an Ah-Ha moment listening to this conversation (all paraphrased by the way, by me).

I become aware that it’s beautiful, and normal, and REALITY to be selfish and to ask for what I want.

It doesn’t even have to be fair, or equal, or just.

Anyone’s allowed to ask for whatever they want to ask for.

Anyone’s also allowed to say “no” to anyone asking. And if I feel worried about saying “no” I can question why it’s scary, or what I think it means about me that’s painful.

Turning the thought around: He should ask me for money. She should ask for money. I shouldn’t ask ME for money (expecting me to say yes when I don’t mean it). I shouldn’t ask them for money. 

This doesn’t mean none of this should ever happen, it’s just seeing the advantages or examples of when they do.

If there really is no “should” or “shouldn’t” about what’s happening with money….who knows what is possible.

Now, here’s the actual truth of this situation with husband.

Several years ago when we met and into our dating (second marriage for both), I asked him if he would be willing to be the one to pay when we went to restaurants. I said I would pay him back, and pay for my part equally if he wanted it later, but I really would love him to pick up the tab and take out the credit card and be the one to have a wallet on him and make the actual payment on location.

I loved not having to remember to bring my purse. I loved someone else saying “I got it”. Maybe a little goofy, and old-fashioned. Or a lot.

But he agreed. This recent situation was one of the few times he said “I could use a contribution”. And honestly, he didn’t even ask me for exactly all of my portion of the bill.

So yeah.

Reality is kinder than my thoughts about it. Way.

“Everything turns out to be a gift–that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is–not the world’s truth. And then it is all revealed to you. There isn’t anything you have to do. The only thing you’re responsible for is your own truth in the moment, and inquiry brings you to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

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Can you breathe in and out happily, while holding money?

Oh no! Stop. Is it true?

You would think.

After all the “work” I’ve done on Money.

Which includes most recently, this past month of January in Year of Inquiry AND a new class on inquiring about money underway….

….you would THINK I’d feel happy all the time about money and whatever it’s doing. Or un-flummoxed. Liberated. Care-free.

(Questioning that you should feel happy and care-free about anything, when you don’t, is REALLY powerful. But that’s another inquiry).

The check arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon Fed Ex with a tap on the door. I opened it to see only the cardboard large envelope lying on the front porch and the Fed Ex driver already jumping back up inside his truck.

Opening it, I realized the endless refinancing project, which just took six long months, has completed. In the smooth envelope was a check. A chunk of “cash out” as they call it while refinancing the cottage I live in with my very darling husband Jon. We applied for extra loan money to build a little house for my mother in her final years, in our back yard.

Permits have been researched, the plans begun, ideas shared, architect consulted. It’s a good idea. We don’t have quite enough, we’ll have to save some, but we’ve been excited and talking about this with the whole family for a long time.

And yet….in the car on the way to deposit the check in the bank, I began to have pictures of going backwards into debt.

My dream of paying off a whole house mortgage just got farther away. Thoughts were born like rabbits, in the course of a 20 minute drive, me holding the check in my hand.

I’ll be working for 30 years to pay off this mortgage now. I didn’t do this whole thing all by myself. That would have been a real success. I want to leave this little cottage to my kids debt-free, its my only asset. I’ll be working until I’m 80. I can’t rest. I’ll never have the joy of No House Loan. Why didn’t I pay more attention and focus on earning and paying off the mortgage long ago? 

This is terrible.

I went silent, clutching the check, sweat starting to form on my forehead.

My husband, who was happy and celebratory, wondered what was wrong and asked me a few questions (he’s very patient).

Inside my head “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! OMG!!!”

Fortunately, another voice also rose in the mind, saying “Are you sure this is bad news?”

Who would you be without these thoughts? Without this massively weighty and sad story?

Chuckle.

Realizing a part of my mind is having a Buyers Remorse Hissy Fit.

Call the Fire Department! I’ve gotten a LOAN I have promised to pay back!

Deep breath.

Without the thought, I’d notice the quiet car as I gaze out the window from the passenger seat, the gentleness of the day and the air I’m breathing. I’d notice the red lights of other car tail lights sharing the road, leading the way in front of us. I’d hear the support of my husband’s voice.

I’d remember the very inquiry one of the adorable inquirers I heard and her voice as SHE did The Work only 2 days ago on the thought “I will ALWAYS need money” and the excitement I felt at the time noticing how always needing money could be as wonderful and light as always needing air.

It’s not like I’m thinking I’m responsible for the air every day, like I have to “work” for it OR ELSE….

….even though it is actually true that I need it to live, it appears.

Without the thought this has anything to do with me personally, and my survival. I’d be relaxed, comfortable, even joyful to share this moment with my husband who I’m for the first time officially sharing a house payment with since we got married almost 5 years ago.

Nothing. Is. Wrong.

Turning the thought around: This is a wonderful thing that is happening. I am going forward, not backwards, in sharing. I’m supporting myself and those around me. I am paying my financial debt and money is giving me joyful connection with family and being with my mom as she ages. I have no idea how long I’ll be working, or what the future will entail. And by the way, I LOVE my work. (Jeez, good point). It’s not exactly “working” it’s more like playing, loving, and being with the world in a way I never thought possible.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?? OMG YAYHOO!! THIS IS AWESOME!!

Isn’t that truer?

Wow.

“People talk about self-realization, and this is it. Can you just breathe in and out happily? Who cares about enlightenment when you’re happy right now? Just enlighten yourself to this moment. Can you just do that? And then, eventually, it all collapses. The mind merges with the heart and comes to see that it’s not separate. It finds a home, and it rests in itself, as itself.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 306 

Much love,

Grace

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Shopping Is Stressful! Investigating Money Beliefs

This past weekend I had a few stressful beliefs about Money. It made me very happy to know I am about to embark on the 8 week journey of investigation of beliefs about money, work, earning, spending with everyone who is participating.

There I was standing in a big store, looking at barbecues, thinking of buying one for my husband for our anniversary. There were small ones, medium sized ones, various brands, huge ones.

In many places there were signs that said “SALE!!”

Now, normally, I am not a big gift-giving person…not with material items, things, stuff you can hold in your hand.

It’s not that I don’t like buying and giving gifts…it just doesn’t occur to me. I know that’s very weird to hear for those of you who do like giving gifts.

I suppose I am more of a person who gives experiences and receives these as well, than actual “items”. I like very clean surfaces, smaller spaces, small amounts of stuff.

Lots of people are amazing at listening to what people want or desire, and selecting the perfect items.

I have to have something repeatedly mentioned….like my husband and I both noticing that it might be nice to BBQ food over the past five years….before I catch on.

Oh, I could actually acquire this thing, by going to a store and buying it.

I am not a cook, either. So I had no idea how much BBQs cost or that there were fifty thousand types and brands.

It was a little overwhelming. I started thinking it wasn’t a good idea after all.

Funny, my mind went from excitement about actually getting someone I care about a gift, to having the feeling “nevermind” after hunting for it.

Then I had another more unexpected expense arise, I did some banking online, and I thought even more….NEVERMIND.

  • We’ve gotten along without a BBQ for many years, why bother now?
  • I won’t use it enough, and I already have a stove in the house
  • I’ll have to clean it
  • there are other things to spend money on that will be more satisfying
  • I need to save when I can
  • I have no idea what my income will be next month, how many people in classes or individual sessions
  • better be careful
  • don’t ever want to regret purchasing something or be in that barely-making-it position again!
  • don’t buy anything unless it’s an absolute necessity! Run for your life out of the store! I hate shopping!!!

Later on, I was at home again. With no gift. And worried about my finances. On a Sunday evening.

Uh oh. Time to do The Work.

Time for a little mind surgery.

 

I sat down and wrote out my feelings, my thoughts, my perspective, from the most petty, childish, worried, innocent little point of view.

I used my computer, I wrote like a crazed person, many paragraphs, letting it spill out.

Then I had it all in text, and I could begin….

An hour later, after sitting quietly with myself and listening to my own mind, I felt lighter, more sparkly, relieved, and laughing at myself.

I’ll share with you the thoughts I questioned in tomorrow’s Grace Note, since I’m “late” getting this one out today.

But the most important thing for now is knowing what a gift it can be to give yourself the time of investigating your really stressful thoughts about money, work, earning, income, outflow.

I questioned my thinking and my experience changed, right in the same day. The feeling in my body relaxed, my mind relaxed.

I felt amused.

Before The Work….anxious, annoyed, frowning, tired, thinking about dollars and accounts and debits and credits.

After The Work….eyes wide open, gentle with myself, grateful, laughing with my husband.

“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job, then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24

Love, Grace

P.S. Two spaces left in the Money class which starts on Thursday.