You would think.
After all the “work” I’ve done on Money.
Which includes most recently, this past month of January in Year of Inquiry AND a new class on inquiring about money underway….
….you would THINK I’d feel happy all the time about money and whatever it’s doing. Or un-flummoxed. Liberated. Care-free.
(Questioning that you should feel happy and care-free about anything, when you don’t, is REALLY powerful. But that’s another inquiry).
The check arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon Fed Ex with a tap on the door. I opened it to see only the cardboard large envelope lying on the front porch and the Fed Ex driver already jumping back up inside his truck.
Opening it, I realized the endless refinancing project, which just took six long months, has completed. In the smooth envelope was a check. A chunk of “cash out” as they call it while refinancing the cottage I live in with my very darling husband Jon. We applied for extra loan money to build a little house for my mother in her final years, in our back yard.
Permits have been researched, the plans begun, ideas shared, architect consulted. It’s a good idea. We don’t have quite enough, we’ll have to save some, but we’ve been excited and talking about this with the whole family for a long time.
And yet….in the car on the way to deposit the check in the bank, I began to have pictures of going backwards into debt.
My dream of paying off a whole house mortgage just got farther away. Thoughts were born like rabbits, in the course of a 20 minute drive, me holding the check in my hand.
I’ll be working for 30 years to pay off this mortgage now. I didn’t do this whole thing all by myself. That would have been a real success. I want to leave this little cottage to my kids debt-free, its my only asset. I’ll be working until I’m 80. I can’t rest. I’ll never have the joy of No House Loan. Why didn’t I pay more attention and focus on earning and paying off the mortgage long ago?
This is terrible.
I went silent, clutching the check, sweat starting to form on my forehead.
My husband, who was happy and celebratory, wondered what was wrong and asked me a few questions (he’s very patient).
Inside my head “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! OMG!!!”
Fortunately, another voice also rose in the mind, saying “Are you sure this is bad news?”
Who would you be without these thoughts? Without this massively weighty and sad story?
Chuckle.
Realizing a part of my mind is having a Buyers Remorse Hissy Fit.
Call the Fire Department! I’ve gotten a LOAN I have promised to pay back!
Deep breath.
Without the thought, I’d notice the quiet car as I gaze out the window from the passenger seat, the gentleness of the day and the air I’m breathing. I’d notice the red lights of other car tail lights sharing the road, leading the way in front of us. I’d hear the support of my husband’s voice.
I’d remember the very inquiry one of the adorable inquirers I heard and her voice as SHE did The Work only 2 days ago on the thought “I will ALWAYS need money” and the excitement I felt at the time noticing how always needing money could be as wonderful and light as always needing air.
It’s not like I’m thinking I’m responsible for the air every day, like I have to “work” for it OR ELSE….
….even though it is actually true that I need it to live, it appears.
Without the thought this has anything to do with me personally, and my survival. I’d be relaxed, comfortable, even joyful to share this moment with my husband who I’m for the first time officially sharing a house payment with since we got married almost 5 years ago.
Nothing. Is. Wrong.
Turning the thought around: This is a wonderful thing that is happening. I am going forward, not backwards, in sharing. I’m supporting myself and those around me. I am paying my financial debt and money is giving me joyful connection with family and being with my mom as she ages. I have no idea how long I’ll be working, or what the future will entail. And by the way, I LOVE my work. (Jeez, good point). It’s not exactly “working” it’s more like playing, loving, and being with the world in a way I never thought possible.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?? OMG YAYHOO!! THIS IS AWESOME!!
Isn’t that truer?
Wow.
“People talk about self-realization, and this is it. Can you just breathe in and out happily? Who cares about enlightenment when you’re happy right now? Just enlighten yourself to this moment. Can you just do that? And then, eventually, it all collapses. The mind merges with the heart and comes to see that it’s not separate. It finds a home, and it rests in itself, as itself.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 306
Much love,
Grace