Tag: buyers remorse

Posted on

Can you breathe in and out happily, while holding money?

Oh no! Stop. Is it true?

You would think.

After all the “work” I’ve done on Money.

Which includes most recently, this past month of January in Year of Inquiry AND a new class on inquiring about money underway….

….you would THINK I’d feel happy all the time about money and whatever it’s doing. Or un-flummoxed. Liberated. Care-free.

(Questioning that you should feel happy and care-free about anything, when you don’t, is REALLY powerful. But that’s another inquiry).

The check arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon Fed Ex with a tap on the door. I opened it to see only the cardboard large envelope lying on the front porch and the Fed Ex driver already jumping back up inside his truck.

Opening it, I realized the endless refinancing project, which just took six long months, has completed. In the smooth envelope was a check. A chunk of “cash out” as they call it while refinancing the cottage I live in with my very darling husband Jon. We applied for extra loan money to build a little house for my mother in her final years, in our back yard.

Permits have been researched, the plans begun, ideas shared, architect consulted. It’s a good idea. We don’t have quite enough, we’ll have to save some, but we’ve been excited and talking about this with the whole family for a long time.

And yet….in the car on the way to deposit the check in the bank, I began to have pictures of going backwards into debt.

My dream of paying off a whole house mortgage just got farther away. Thoughts were born like rabbits, in the course of a 20 minute drive, me holding the check in my hand.

I’ll be working for 30 years to pay off this mortgage now. I didn’t do this whole thing all by myself. That would have been a real success. I want to leave this little cottage to my kids debt-free, its my only asset. I’ll be working until I’m 80. I can’t rest. I’ll never have the joy of No House Loan. Why didn’t I pay more attention and focus on earning and paying off the mortgage long ago? 

This is terrible.

I went silent, clutching the check, sweat starting to form on my forehead.

My husband, who was happy and celebratory, wondered what was wrong and asked me a few questions (he’s very patient).

Inside my head “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! OMG!!!”

Fortunately, another voice also rose in the mind, saying “Are you sure this is bad news?”

Who would you be without these thoughts? Without this massively weighty and sad story?

Chuckle.

Realizing a part of my mind is having a Buyers Remorse Hissy Fit.

Call the Fire Department! I’ve gotten a LOAN I have promised to pay back!

Deep breath.

Without the thought, I’d notice the quiet car as I gaze out the window from the passenger seat, the gentleness of the day and the air I’m breathing. I’d notice the red lights of other car tail lights sharing the road, leading the way in front of us. I’d hear the support of my husband’s voice.

I’d remember the very inquiry one of the adorable inquirers I heard and her voice as SHE did The Work only 2 days ago on the thought “I will ALWAYS need money” and the excitement I felt at the time noticing how always needing money could be as wonderful and light as always needing air.

It’s not like I’m thinking I’m responsible for the air every day, like I have to “work” for it OR ELSE….

….even though it is actually true that I need it to live, it appears.

Without the thought this has anything to do with me personally, and my survival. I’d be relaxed, comfortable, even joyful to share this moment with my husband who I’m for the first time officially sharing a house payment with since we got married almost 5 years ago.

Nothing. Is. Wrong.

Turning the thought around: This is a wonderful thing that is happening. I am going forward, not backwards, in sharing. I’m supporting myself and those around me. I am paying my financial debt and money is giving me joyful connection with family and being with my mom as she ages. I have no idea how long I’ll be working, or what the future will entail. And by the way, I LOVE my work. (Jeez, good point). It’s not exactly “working” it’s more like playing, loving, and being with the world in a way I never thought possible.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?? OMG YAYHOO!! THIS IS AWESOME!!

Isn’t that truer?

Wow.

“People talk about self-realization, and this is it. Can you just breathe in and out happily? Who cares about enlightenment when you’re happy right now? Just enlighten yourself to this moment. Can you just do that? And then, eventually, it all collapses. The mind merges with the heart and comes to see that it’s not separate. It finds a home, and it rests in itself, as itself.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 306 

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Be In This Yuck Place From Your True Nature

“I don’t like it here.”

 

This past week, two inquirers noticed this thought and how terribly stressful it could become.

 

Ooooh boy, I can relate.

 

I used to have this thought all the time about being on the planet.

 

I once had a very dear friend who felt constantly depressed because of living in the same city I live in, where it rains a lot during the winter. She stayed here for a decade. Then finally, returned to the place she grew up. Lots of sun.

 

Depression and sadness averted? Not really.

 

I had another friend who moved as far away from home as possible, to a place where the weather was mild, the people were mild, the temperature was mild, the landscape was mild. Lots of successful-looking huge houses on the beach. No family drama.

 

Was the inside of his head mild?

 

Uh. That would be NO. He struggled constantly to stop anxiety, switch medications, find another new solution, and change his feelings of rage towards other humans.

 

Let’s do The Work.

 

If you have a place you think of as imperfect, or horrible, where your life actually takes you there on purpose sometimes, then recall it now.

 

Even if you hardly ever go there anymore, but when you talk about it, you complain with a vengeance….this may be your chance to settle something important about that place.

 

You don’t like it there.

 

Is that true?

 

Yes, it’s dirty, dusty, noisy, the water comes out of the taps cloudy, everyone tries to pick your pocket, the food could make you sick, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, too many creepers on the streets, too much snow, traffic, pollution, people squish you, too crowded, houses are too ticky-tacky matching…..

 

….you get the idea.

 

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you don’t like it?

 

I close my eyes, I feel what that place feels like.

 

I slow waaaaay down. Hearing, smelling, tasting, seeing, touching, feeling. Being there, remembering it, images rushing by in my mind.

Not absolutely true.

How do I react when I believe I don’t like it here?

I talk about it, I fight against it, I disagree with other people who do like it, I hate positive comments about it, I attack it, I feel aggressive towards it, I feel frightened and run away from it.

I think of it as a problem that must be solved.

I love it when I said to my husband “I hate the clutter in this room! It’s the wrong furniture! It’s been five years of living this way!”

Like we’ve been living in terrible conditions and he surely agrees with me what a terrible plight we’re in.

“Your life is in a mess. You want to get out of it. It’s in a mess because of your ideas. You have wrong ideas. Don’t even bother trying to catch the culprit……The simplest formula to this: the world is full of sorrow, the root of sorrow is desire or attachment, the uprooting of sorrow is desire-less-ness, the uprooting of attachments.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Who would you be without the thought that you don’t like it here? That it’s fine if you prefer one place over another place, but you don’t really mind this situation?

Without the thought that right here at the dump, in the garbage pit, on the side of the freeway, in the middle of war…..I don’t believe with a vengeance that I hate it here?

Really? Wow.

It does not mean that I don’t look around, get up, seek shelter, ask for help, move to a quieter table.

I can do all those things, and have preferences….without clinging on to the belief that I should like every minute of every hour non-stop.

I like it here.

Could that be as true, or truer?

I notice, it is so much more fun to like it here. Incredible, really. The most fascinating and luscious place, such variety, the movie changing constantly, every moment a different possibility.

A movement, a hum, ideas coming and going, nothing to fear, nothing to actually be against, nothing to eliminate. Including everything, everything.

I like my thoughts here. They, too, come and go. They spring up then fade back. Intense, then asleep.

Even the middle of a concentration camp. Not playing at denial, simply noticing there is something to like here.

This heart beating, the sky, a bug, that sound.

Who knows what might happen, now that you like this place, just a little. The war might be over. And you could live anywhere.

“You realize that you never really wanted whatever you thought you wanted. You realize that behind all of your desires was a single desire: to experience each moment from your true nature.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Buyers Remorse Tornado

Yesterday someone very close to me….OK, my husband…asked me a question.

You would have thought I just heard a radio alert that a tornado has just destroyed downtown Seattle and its now headed straight for our neighborhood!!!

It was 10 pm and we had just turned the light out to go to sleep.

“I heard you bought Ben shoes today that cost $153. What made you decide to buy such expensive shoes for him?”

I quickly replied, “He really liked them, I think these are the nicest and best-made shoes he’s ever had. His feet are not growing anymore. I think it’s OK..”

My voice was very calm and normal, casual like no-big deal, here’s my answer and yeah, I’m happy with that choice.

Heh heh.

Literally 2 minutes later he was asleep.

But there’s a tornado careening towards the neighborhood, remember?

BUYER’S REMORSE!!

It’s called Instant Stress In A Cup, kinda like pouring boiling hot water on a cup of noodles for Instant Lunch. I was BOILING in stressful thinking!

  • he’s questioning my purchases for my son!
  • he thinks I spent too much
  • I shouldn’t have spent it–I should keep my money
  • he said “such expensive” and that means he thinks I’m wildly extravagant
  • he’s got scarcity mentality
  • I shouldn’t have gotten married last year (yes, I thought this)
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is dangerous!

After 15 minutes of planning out how I could quickly get divorced, on paper, and stop the tornado from coming….

…I got up! Adrenaline is difficult to mix with sleep, I’ve noticed.

I went into my son’s room, where he was happily enjoying his last days of computer time before leaving for college.

I said “do you really like those shoes? I’m worried about how expensive they were. And you still need running shoes….maybe if we took them back and switched to two pairs for the same amount of dollars?”

(hand-wringing, hand-wringing).

He assured me that he loved them, they are the nicest shoes he’s ever owned, and he’ll buy his own running shoes. He is 19 after all.

We were laughing, soon, as I confessed I’m a worry-nut and also said how much I LOVED buying him those shoes.

And also how deeply grateful that I can even afford them, since only four years ago, it was out of the question.

I went back to bed and fell asleep.

In the morning I did The Work.

Now that I was all reassured with the purchase, I noticed many thoughts still running through my mind.

He shouldn’t say anything about what I spend my money on! It’s MINE! Good shoes are hard to find! And they weren’t $153 they were $140 plus tax! Single is better than married!

Justify Justify Defend How Dare You Justify Defend Justify I Have My Rights!!

Really? 

Um, well, no. This not an emergency.

And no, he only asked a simple question, he didn’t even have a “tone”. And no, I have no idea that something terrible will happen if he did indeed disapprove of my purchase.

I don’t actually know that he DOES disapprove, come to think of it.

With the thought?  Good lord. It’s a wild drama. I’m looking for the safest course of action. I’m thinking about the future, the past, emergencies and people having opinions of my actions around money.

There might not be enough! If this keeps up, I’ll lose everything!

With the thought, I’m not looking at myself, I’m looking at him. I’m not looking at my own freaky scarcity orientation in that moment. That I shouldn’t spend unnecessary money, I need to hold on to it, store it.

Believing all those stressful thoughts, I’m worried about ME being a BAD CHOOSER. I’m really afraid that I can’t trust myself and I don’t make good decisions.

So who would I be without the thought, in that moment just a split second after my husband asked his question….without the thought that I’ve made a mistake, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve done it wrong?

I’d hear his powerful question, even if he DID have a tone.

I’d check in with ME to see if it feels right. I’d feel free to say yes or no when buying something for my kids, with ease.

An experiment in noticing fear, anxiety, making trades, flowing money into other places, watching my assumptions, allowing myself to be me, handing over money to someone else.

I turn it all around:

  • I am questioning my purchases for my son! Yikes!
  • I think I spent too much
  • I should have spent it—I shouldn’t keep “my” money
  • “such expensive” means I think I’m wildly extravagant
  • I’ve got scarcity mentality – yes, I’m ready to draw lines and boundaries about this money that I apparently believe is mine
  • I should have gotten married last year, it’s beautiful
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is safe

I see the happiness on my son’s face and in his words, and I delight in that.

Yes, we could return the shoes. But that doesn’t seem necessary now, even though that is a wonderful option sometimes.

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Now is another moment, now I have enough money. Now, I take a very deep breath.

Now, I speak to my husband and tell him my reaction last night and he says “wow, amazing mind!” and I find out he wasn’t concerned.

“It helps greatly to see that being lost at times is all part of the dance and that nothing is really an enemy, a distraction or a failure. The light and the dark go together as one seamless happening.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Turns out there was only the THOUGHT of a tornado.

And now, a slower gentleness inside about buying things….appreciating that gorgeous store where the shoes came from that I hadn’t been inside of for probably ten years, noticing how fun it is to thrift shop, looking at beliefs about acquiring, paying for things.

“Is money the problem, or is what they [you] were believing about money the problem? Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there…..from parents to money, all innocent.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace