Last Sunday in the middle of a beautiful, dark, wintery afternoon at a hushed meditation satsang event with a teacher I so love, Adyashanti, I noticed a thought suddenly appear.
(Satsang, by the way, means a gathering of people with shared spiritual interests to talk about truth and sacred ideas–Q & A time).
This wise teacher and author, a man very close to my same age, has followers from all over the world, and hundreds of people at his meditation retreats.
And here he was talking, yet again, about giving up the hunt. The pain of seeking, searching, reaching, pushing. The ridiculousness, in many ways, of talking about “enlightenment” or pursuing some condition other than what is here, now. He dialogued with a very sincere woman encouraging her to find her own way, her own answers, and not follow his way or anyone else’s. And definitely not to move to California near where he lives.
His unassuming invitation was to wonder about All This. To grapple and sort through it. To come up with no solid, rigid answers and yet still move, act, watch oneself navigate through conditioning, and reality.
Somewhere around then, my stressful thought appeared. (Remember I mentioned it?)
The thought had babies. It went something like this: I better buy the recording of this conversation, so I can “get” it.
Then a little familiar depressive feeling of the futility of all the “trying to understand” something about the meaning of life. Whatever.
I had stayed up late the night before, and perhaps lack of sleep affected me. I had a very chocolatey dessert and a lively and wonderful conversations into the wee hours.
I also felt a slight sore throat, glands working hard. A fatigue.
Have you ever noticed when you have a barrage of self-critical thinking, the voice is saying “you” like it’s an actual person, talking to you?
You should have gone to bed earlier. You didn’t even like the chocolate that much, what a fool for eating it so late. You facilitate Eating Peace for crying out loud! You should quit! How you got this far with your programs, I have no idea. I have one word for you: retire. You’re not that great at meditating either, I might add. Twenty minutes a day? (Say “loser” while coughing).
Um.
It would be funny except it’s pretty harsh, right?
Deep breath.
Lately, I’ve been preparing the Year of Inquiry group for our next month on Relationships. As I was reading and researching for Katie’s ideas and suggestions about doing The Work on relationships, I came across an important passage.
“If you haven’t undone your painful thoughts, you can get into a bubble bath, light candles, recite positive affirmations, pamper yourself in every way–and once you’re out of the tub, the same thoughts will come back to haunt you. It’s like staging a seduction only the one you’re trying to seduce is you…..The only obstacle to loving other people is believing what you think, and you’ll come to see that that’s also the only obstacle to loving yourself.” ~ Byron Katie (pg. 204 in I Need Your Love)
We’ve all heard how not doing The Work on yourself is generally the easier, more crystal clear way to “see” your objections to a situation. Everyone always wants to do The Work on themselves when they first begin The Work. But get the hang of judging someone else? Oh what brilliant awareness can come forward, without it wiggling out of reach because you’re questioning your own thoughts about your own thinking.
But what if you DID take this potentially harder road, where it might get a bit murky and you might have an agenda to enforce change….
….but you questioned just one stressful thought about yourself, very sincerely, very honestly, anyway?
Ready?
What haven’t you forgiven yourself for?
Even if it’s not the biggest, wildest, most ugly thought…..what do you see in the middle of a situation where your thoughts get nasty, about yourself?
I did it wrong.
OK, let’s go.
Is it true you did it wrong? (Stayed up too late, ate the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, screwed up, failed)?
Yes.
Ugh.
The pictures start showing me so many ways I screwed up. Remember that time in high school? What about the multitudes of embarrassing moments involving romance? How about driving after drinking, with your headlights turned off on purpose? What about the guy who loved me and I broke his heart but can’t even remember his name? Or the time I stole laundry detergent? Dropped out of college? Started a job, went through the training, and then quit it only a few months later?
Or, the abortion?
Mistake! Mistake! Mistake!
Are you sure? Can you absolutely know that it’s true it was wrong?
No.
If you say “yes” keep going anyway. There’s so much you can still learn, even if you’re sure you made a terrible mistake.
How do you react when you think your thought?
Sinking into the ground. Afraid. Embarrassed. Secretive. Too nice. Incredibly stiff and careful. Hoping I never run into “x” or “y” people.
So who would you be without the thought you made a mistake and did it wrong?
Really, what would it be like if you couldn’t think that thought?
“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens.” ~ Byron Katie
Some people will think….well, wait now. If I let myself off the hook, if I accept myself or STOP thinking I totally screwed up, doesn’t that excuse it? Doesn’t it mean I’ll do it again, or never stop doing it?
Don’t I have to be against myself eating something for example, in order to know NOT to do it again?
Well, heck, that never worked before. So how about let’s try kindness and open inquiry, rather than violent thoughts towards the self.
Turning the thought around: I did NOT make a mistake, or do it wrong. I made a correction. I did it right.
This path is perfect for me. This path is my particular enlightenment path, my personalized journey of awareness in this world.
How could that be true, or truer, than the thought “YOU SCREWED UP YOU DINGALING!” (and all the accompanying yelling)?
I did not make a mistake. I didn’t do it wrong.
These actions all showed me something very interesting. Showed me when I was willing to override what I thought was wrong to get something I believed was missing, or threatened.
Making these “mistakes” helped me identify how small I felt. How victim-y. How impatient. How desperate. How merged with holding onto an identity that’s in control, that “knows” what I shouldn’t be like.
Huh.
How simple, and quiet it is, to consider I should be exactly all the ways I’ve been–every action, every supposed mistake. No battle in it. Simply seeing, when I’m being a dictator, even about myself, I have no idea what’s talking really. It’s only fear.
“Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
“I can assure you that nothing else holds a candle to life lived beyond self.” ~ Adyashanti
Much love,
Grace