Tag: self-hate

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You do not have to be good…FB live today on doing TW on yourself

Today I’ll do another Facebook live! I know, I know, I thought I’d be doing these on Thursdays, but there is no schedule, apparently.

But at least I’ve given a little warning. I’ll hit the GO button at 1:00 pm Pacific Time Tuesday May 23rd. Join me!

If you haven’t been to my facebook page before, it’s Work With Grace: Byron Katie Coach and it’s the coolest thing to be able to be there and connect with you LIVE. I get to see your questions and comments on the spot.

Here’s the topic: Doing The Work of Byron Katie on fearing you are not attractive enough, kind enough, good enough.

So many people shared that this was one of their top ten thoughts when I asked, I was surprised…and then not really. I’ve been there myself.

It’s incredibly stressful, and incredibly common, to think thoughts like “I’m ugly” or “I’m an idiot” or “I’m not x enough (good enough, awake enough, patient enough)”.

Often, we’re advised NOT to do The Work on ourselves. There are very good reasons for this.

Think about it.

You are using your own mind, the same one that came up with the thought “I’m ugly” (not exactly kind) to then honestly and neutrally question this belief.

Maybe you have a belief that if you do The Work on this mean thought, you’ll improve, or turn out a little less ugly.

It’s very hard to drill down deep enough to even wonder….where did I get this idea? How could I know this is true? Why would I repeat this thought ad nauseum for most of my life?

The idea is….if I could just fix myself, I’d be happy. I’d have more fun, be a better person, help others, stop freaking out.

It’s really hard to give up the conviction that indeed, you are ugly or maladjusted, or something’s gone wrong with you.

We’ll think if we didn’t have this thought, we would either A) not be protected, safe, careful, or B) be made fun of by the entire kingdom, or C) be too bold.

But who would you be without this dreadful story “I am ugly, I did it wrong, I should be ashamed, I’m not good enough, I’m an idiot….”?

Who would you actually be? What would you be?

Can you feel it?

Maybe it’s inexplicable. Something in here observes, watches, without malice or judgment. Something in here realizes, I have no idea what I actually am. I can’t even see myself clearly–certainly not physically! How would I ever be able to see ugliness or idiocy or not-good-enough-ness? It’s practically impossible to be sure.

(Unless I’m playing God, ahem).

Turning it around: I am beautiful, I am bright, I am energy, I am good enough, I am good, I am loving, I am I-Don’t-Know (in a good way), I am.

I am.

Is this not just as true, or truer?

What if this way you are is just….the way you are? And there’s no need or urgency for improvement.

Wow. Now that’s a wild, exciting, natural, thrilling thought. It’s a wonderful, thrilling feeling. Being this. Not even knowing what it is. Letting it be, without a need to change one drop.

It’s called Unconditional Love. Could this be what we are already, without a thought that we need to improve? How about even WITH the thought we need to improve!

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves….”

~ Mary Oliver from Wild Geese

If you’ve had a little troubling doing The Work regularly I rewrote a simple guide for those of us having trouble with our self-inquiry. Maybe you haven’t felt much relief or joy through inquiry, perhaps you feel burdened by the weight of your beliefs which may have begun centuries before you were born. Maybe you constantly revert to criticism of yourself in an effort to improve life.

If so, you can find this eguide here. Please share it with others, if you think they’d benefit. I’d appreciate your feedback on what’s helpful and where you have questions, too.

Much love,

Grace

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Nothing holds a candle to this

What if you didn’t know you did it wrong, made a mistake, or failed? Don’t believe your thoughts, even about yourself.

Last Sunday in the middle of a beautiful, dark, wintery afternoon at a hushed meditation satsang event with a teacher I so love, Adyashanti, I noticed a thought suddenly appear.

(Satsang, by the way, means a gathering of people with shared spiritual interests to talk about truth and sacred ideas–Q & A time).

This wise teacher and author, a man very close to my same age, has followers from all over the world, and hundreds of people at his meditation retreats.

And here he was talking, yet again, about giving up the hunt. The pain of seeking, searching, reaching, pushing. The ridiculousness, in many ways, of talking about “enlightenment” or pursuing some condition other than what is here, now. He dialogued with a very sincere woman encouraging her to find her own way, her own answers, and not follow his way or anyone else’s. And definitely not to move to California near where he lives.

His unassuming invitation was to wonder about All This. To grapple and sort through it. To come up with no solid, rigid answers and yet still move, act, watch oneself navigate through conditioning, and reality.

Somewhere around then, my stressful thought appeared. (Remember I mentioned it?)

The thought had babies. It went something like this: I better buy the recording of this conversation, so I can “get” it.

Then a little familiar depressive feeling of the futility of all the “trying to understand” something about the meaning of life. Whatever.

I had stayed up late the night before, and perhaps lack of sleep affected me. I had a very chocolatey dessert and a lively and wonderful conversations into the wee hours.

I also felt a slight sore throat, glands working hard. A fatigue.

Have you ever noticed when you have a barrage of self-critical thinking, the voice is saying “you” like it’s an actual person, talking to you?

You should have gone to bed earlier. You didn’t even like the chocolate that much, what a fool for eating it so late. You facilitate Eating Peace for crying out loud! You should quit! How you got this far with your programs, I have no idea. I have one word for you: retire. You’re not that great at meditating either, I might add. Twenty minutes a day? (Say “loser” while coughing).

Um.

It would be funny except it’s pretty harsh, right?

Deep breath.

Lately, I’ve been preparing the Year of Inquiry group for our next month on Relationships. As I was reading and researching for Katie’s ideas and suggestions about doing The Work on relationships, I came across an important passage.

“If you haven’t undone your painful thoughts, you can get into a bubble bath, light candles, recite positive affirmations, pamper yourself in every way–and once you’re out of the tub, the same thoughts will come back to haunt you. It’s like staging a seduction only the one you’re trying to seduce is you…..The only obstacle to loving other people is believing what you think, and you’ll come to see that that’s also the only obstacle to loving yourself.” ~ Byron Katie (pg. 204 in I Need Your Love)

We’ve all heard how not doing The Work on yourself is generally the easier, more crystal clear way to “see” your objections to a situation. Everyone always wants to do The Work on themselves when they first begin The Work. But get the hang of judging someone else? Oh what brilliant awareness can come forward, without it wiggling out of reach because you’re questioning your own thoughts about your own thinking.

But what if you DID take this potentially harder road, where it might get a bit murky and you might have an agenda to enforce change….

….but you questioned just one stressful thought about yourself, very sincerely, very honestly, anyway?

Ready?

What haven’t you forgiven yourself for?

Even if it’s not the biggest, wildest, most ugly thought…..what do you see in the middle of a situation where your thoughts get nasty, about yourself?

I did it wrong.

OK, let’s go.

Is it true you did it wrong? (Stayed up too late, ate the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, screwed up, failed)?

Yes.

Ugh.

The pictures start showing me so many ways I screwed up. Remember that time in high school? What about the multitudes of embarrassing moments involving romance? How about driving after drinking, with your headlights turned off on purpose? What about the guy who loved me and I broke his heart but can’t even remember his name? Or the time I stole laundry detergent? Dropped out of college? Started a job, went through the training, and then quit it only a few months later?

Or, the abortion?

Mistake! Mistake! Mistake!

Are you sure? Can you absolutely know that it’s true it was wrong?

No.

If you say “yes” keep going anyway. There’s so much you can still learn, even if you’re sure you made a terrible mistake.

How do you react when you think your thought?

Sinking into the ground. Afraid. Embarrassed. Secretive. Too nice. Incredibly stiff and careful. Hoping I never run into “x” or “y” people.

So who would you be without the thought you made a mistake and did it wrong?

Really, what would it be like if you couldn’t think that thought?

“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens.” ~ Byron Katie

Some people will think….well, wait now. If I let myself off the hook, if I accept myself or STOP thinking I totally screwed up, doesn’t that excuse it? Doesn’t it mean I’ll do it again, or never stop doing it?

Don’t I have to be against myself eating something for example, in order to know NOT to do it again?

Well, heck, that never worked before. So how about let’s try kindness and open inquiry, rather than violent thoughts towards the self.

Turning the thought around: I did NOT make a mistake, or do it wrong. I made a correction. I did it right.

This path is perfect for me. This path is my particular enlightenment path, my personalized journey of awareness in this world.

How could that be true, or truer, than the thought “YOU SCREWED UP YOU DINGALING!” (and all the accompanying yelling)?

I did not make a mistake. I didn’t do it wrong. 

These actions all showed me something very interesting. Showed me when I was willing to override what I thought was wrong to get something I believed was missing, or threatened.

Making these “mistakes” helped me identify how small I felt. How victim-y. How impatient. How desperate. How merged with holding onto an identity that’s in control, that “knows” what I shouldn’t be like.

Huh.

How simple, and quiet it is, to consider I should be exactly all the ways I’ve been–every action, every supposed mistake. No battle in it. Simply seeing, when I’m being a dictator, even about myself, I have no idea what’s talking really. It’s only fear.

“Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

“I can assure you that nothing else holds a candle to life lived beyond self.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

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If you think you’re screwing up….you may be missing what’s really bothering you

I’m thrilled today to offer, for a third time, the MasterClass on our human barriers to doing The Work (I walk through ten of them I’ve identified)….and what helps to dissolve them. We get underway at 2:00 pm Pacific Time and will be going for a minimum of 2 hours.

What I know about doing something many times is, you get better and better at it, naturally. You learn through doing it.

This applies to doing The Work, too.

But we sure do feel lousy when we look at ourselves and have the thought “you’re doing a horrible job” or “you made a mistake” or “what a dummy!”

Yikes, that self-flogging is hard to bear, and yet very common.

self-criticalme
Is your worst enemy……you? Find out what you’re really afraid of.

Just the other day, in the Summer Camp call, someone had a worksheet on The Work itself.

I was so moved by the honesty and the thoughts about this “thing” called “Doing The Work” and then this other entity called “me”, noticing how the “me” in question is a Big Fat Mess….

….and “The Work” needs to fix it. ASAP.

Problem is, when you really believe this is true, the BFM (Big Fat Mess) is attacked. It must be stopped.

We’re at war!

We feel the need to do The Work, or many other modalities that tend to invite and result in powerful change, because of one single basic deep assumption:

What I Am Is Not Good Enough.

What I am is not working, not succeeding, mediocre, imperfect, a procrastinator, a mistake-maker, poor at decisions, basically and inherently Less Than.

Ouch.

It’s hard to question all the thoughts you identify that are directed at YOU, this entity with so many problems, because part of you can’t see the underlying assumption that hurts so much and lies beneath everything and every strategy to fix it.What is happening isn’t good. I can make it change.

Double Ouch.

So what if for just a second, you stopped trying to fix yourself and your BFM (Big Fat Mess) ways……..and you directed your attention to what’s happening that hurts or feels very frightening?

If you think you’re a dork at making money, how about looking at money….instead of condemning yourself and beating yourself to a pulp trying to get yourself to pursue more money all the time?

If you think you’re horrible at love and relationships….how about looking at those relationships and wondering why you want them, what they give you, what you believe is necessary about them or necessary about getting them away from you, so you can be happy?

If you think you’re a ridiculous parent….how about looking at your kids and how they behave that suddenly has you acting like an eight year old yourself, and then feeling ashamed of it?

If you think you’re a terrible employee….how about you look at your boss, or co-worker, or the place you work and seeing what annoys you or frightens you about it that rubs you the wrong way?

If you think you’re an addict….how about you look at your terror, the times you felt traumatized, the encounters that made you feel deeply upset, maybe from the distant past?

The attack at the self often comes right on the heels of seeing a situation and thinking “This can’t be so, I can’t take this, this is failure, I’m afraid of what’s happening!”

All I know is, I have found it far more powerful to stop looking at improving myself, which is really Step 2 that the speedy mind comes up with anyway, and go for the jugular.The jugular, the most important vein, the source of nourishment and life to those thoughts about “me” and what a terrible person I am.

This is the situation I see around me, the condition of life I’m living in, the contact I have with reality….and how upset and frightened I am by it.Money, Time, People, Change, Earthquakes, Physical Injuries.

If they scare me, then I’ll work on myself forever trying to make it so I can be resilient, amazing, tough, brilliant, successful and a master of them all!

And…..dare I say it…..Rule The World!

(Little joke. My former husband who is hilarious says it with a British accent, which you should probably try, too, wringing your hands together like a mad scientist).

Isn’t that the ultimate goal, even if you have wonderful, favorable, morally beautiful goals like “enlightenment”……..you’re trying to get yourself to be different, better, more improved, beyond human?It’s gonna hurt.

Why?

Because you ARE HUMAN if you’re reading this. At least I’m pretty sure you are in the way I mean it.

And what is a human?

An incredible, genius life-force of powerful creative, spacious, aware energy turned “on” for “x” amount of years on this planet by something we-know-not-what but we call it Source, God, Universe, Reality, Life, Mystery.What else is human?

Making really goofy mistakes, having big emotions and crying, feeling fear, learning about people, wailing and suffering, doing dingy things, loving, forgetting stuff, dying, believing thoughts, hurting other people, sleeping, waking up, going to war, illness, going on adventures, feeling joy, grabbing, breaking apart, sharing, coming home.In the midst of all this….a most incredible mind built for inquiring into meaning, built for wondering.

A mind somehow here to help us feel what it’s like when we let all parts of humanness dance, dance and dance.A mind capable of identifying and questioning fearful thoughts, and unraveling their power, one questioned thought at a time.

“Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti 

If you’d like to join the amazing inner adventure of personal inquiry practice, Year of Inquiry early bird closes Friday, and our first group telecall is Tuesday, September 8th.

The curriculum? Your life. All the most common topics we humans tend to experience as painful. You know what stresses you out. This is the scaffolding that allows you to question it. Read all about it here.

Much love,Grace

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The Wild Hair Problem-Generating Thought You Can Question

The Wild Hair Problem-Generating Thought You Can Question
The Wild Hair Problem-Generating Thought You Can Question

It’s not a new idea to most of us that when we’re telling ourselves something painful and troubling about other people, places or things….

….we’re also tellingourselves mean things.

Like….

.…you are so mean to have such thoughts about other people. You should be more accepting. You’re so judgmental. You’re ridiculous. You have no answers. You are so opinionated. What an unenlightened person you are. 

All said to you. From a voice we can’t define, exactly.

One thing I’ve come to know about that voice, though….

….is that it is convinced there are dreadful problems that appear about life, circumstances, the world, other people, and of course you, too….

….and it has a project. Fix them.

It gets really frustrating to try and fix stuff in our environment or to try and fix stuff about other people.

They keep doing what they’re doing, they don’t change.

So we turn on ourselves and try and fix the way WE are.

How do you react when you believe you need to be fixed or improved, you really need to “get” something about what’s going on here that you don’t get yet?

Wow, it’s intense how I react.

I enroll in training programs, I sign up to get a degree, I pay lots of money to hang out with people I think can help me.

I read lots of books, I structure my day to include physical exercise and meditation, I go to therapy, I eat only food from my food plan.

Not that there’s anything wrong with these. At all.

But that underlying belief….I need improvement…..ouch.

Left to my own devices, I am out of control, I’m unspiritual, I’m compulsive, I’m an addict, I’m wrong, I’m not enough.

Who would you be without the belief that there’s something wrong with you?

Even though you did that embarrassing thing once…..even though you put your foot in your mouth, even though you defended yourself by chopping someone down, even though you said harsh things to that person you love, even though you got divorced, or lost all your money (like me), or got cancer, or ate too much?

Who would you be without the belief there’s anything wrong with you whatsoever?

Kind of strange, right?

But let’s say there isn’t. Let’s say all that occurred was not your fault.

How would that feel?

What if there was something right with you, and that’s why it went down the way it did?

You responded like a human. And you are human, it turns out. You had thoughts, feelings, experiences and you didn’t know how to work with them (yet) and thought you should know, so you criticized yourself.

And even THAT was not wrong.

And now….

….you can sit still if you like, being here in the presence of yourself and your environment in this moment as you read these words, imagine not fully believing the thought that there is something wrong with you, with life, with what’s happened or what you’ve done.

“Everybody has their favorite way of arguing with God. When you start to follow, instead of lead, you start to follow that inner movement that is not speaking. It leads; you follow…. 

….This idea that there is a problem….that’s the wild hair in the ass of humanity.” ~ Adyashanti in My Secret Is Silence

Have you been arguing with God, by thinking you’re a problem?

Much love,
Grace
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No Greater Misfortune Than This

woman with mirror self-love
no enemies – including you

The Relationship Hell to Heaven telegroup all joined our session last night, ready for once to do The Work on thoughts about shame and guilt….

….towards themselves.

It’s one of the only times I ever prompt people to consider what they feel most ashamed of in a relationship they’re working on, so we can investigate.

I notice I have thoughts about myself, every time, in every relationship I’ve ever experienced that holds some kind of conflict or disturbance.

A co-worker from many years ago who I was so upset about because she criticized me and reported me to a supervisor.

I was ashamed of being ratted on, even though it didn’t wind up meaning anything terrible and everything was cleared up pretty quickly.

She doesn’t like me. I’m a loser. I did something wrong.

What about that time when I dated two men at once? One of them cared.

I was ashamed I was being sneaky, I was unclear about all my feelings, too scattered, disloyal.

Or how about my conflict with a very dear friend, and really surprising betrayal?

I was ashamed of her seeing me as unprofessional, even crazy, someone without integrity.

I’ve shared before that my worst, most horrible shame was having an abortion, and before that, having an eating disorder.

I thought of myself as a violent, selfish, completely screwed up human being.

The thing is….shame about oneself is a strange and tricky trap.

You get stuck in the mental story that you’ve done something terribly wrong and embarrassing, and this sick feeling in your stomach pushes that shame deep down like a thorn stuck inside, and you have to keep it from ever coming out, lest people discover the true and horrible you.

But who would you be without the story that there’s something wrong with you, or you did something unforgivable, or something’s missing, or you aren’t worthy, or desirable, or you’re a cheater, or a loser, or too “x” or not enough “y”?

It’s a lot to unravel at once, in these words…..maybe too much.

But just imagine who you would be without stories of YOU being OFF?

What if there was simply nothing to do, nothing to learn, nothing to forgive, nothing to fix, nothing to find, nothing to add, nothing to change, nothing to clarify, nothing to make sense of….

….about you?

Ha ha ha ha!

Can you feel the burden of shame get set down, with this idea?

Can you feel the connection to self-love and compassion, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done?

What if you’ve always been doing the best you can?

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

This enemy includes you.

Much love, Grace

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You Can Love Your Mind

This past week, and many other times before, I’ve talked with truly honest and genuine inquirers who say this:

I am soooo angry, I am furious, I hate everything, I’m mad at my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s annoying, I am just so freakin’ judgmental, I can’t stand my own mind!

When you have this experience, and view the world through these pissy-irritable glasses, it’s not exactly fun.

Like a committee of screaming voices in the head that go from zero to hate in about one-quarter second.

Then you feel anxious, you hate yourself and your own thinking, and you lose.

As Byron Katie says….100% of the time. You lose.

You know it, right?

The loss feels horrible, you get depressed, explosive, you act ways you’d rather not act, you say snappy things to people you love, you become one of those negative complaining sorts.

The kind of person you don’t want to be.

I once was very close friends with someone who was exceptionally critical (my assessment, but he agreed).

We had long, long conversations about anger, death, what made us nervous, what we wanted, what was upsetting about life.

I noticed that this friend would often be at war with his own mind, hating the way it worked, trying to find a cure for his judgmental nature.

He should relax, he should calm down, he should stop being so critical, he is really afraid, he is so nervous and suspicious about everything under the sun…..

….but was that true?

Yes! He would feel a thousand percent better if he just chilled out a little, jeez. He should grow up, what a baby! He keeps wanting everything to be perfect, and it never will be. 

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I absolutely know he should stop having a mind like that, stop judging, stop carrying on, stop criticizing, stop being so horribly mean and nasty towards everyone and everything?

Yes! I’m positive he’d have a better life, and so would everyone around him!

But wait.

Maybe judgment, criticism and nastiness all exist for a reason…..they are part of reality, after all.

Maybe he needs to be just as judgmental and rude as he is, for reasons I don’t even know.

I’ve felt that mean and critical before. I’ve been enraged, bossy, controlling.

Sigh. It may not be absolutely true that he shouldn’t be like that.

I know how I react when I believe the thought that anyone should be different, including MY OWN MIND.

I want order! I command that things go my way NOW!

It’s quite hopeless. Have you ever ordered your own mind to stop being so judgmental? Has it worked?

Who would I be without that thought? Without even being able to think that idea that he shouldn’t be so critical?

I wait, to answer this question. It takes a moment.

Without the thought that for the benefit of all, he should be different?

Dang. That is one mind-altering, crazy different way to look at this.

But I realize, I’d be…..less angry. Lighter. I might move away from him, towards a quieter place under the trees. I might give him a hug and tell him I care about him.

If he pushed me away, I would not take it personally. I might realize he’s feeling the way I’ve felt so many times before. I’d leave him alone.

“It is in the arena of personal relationships that the illusion of a separate self clings most tenaciously and insidiously. Indeed, there is nothing that derails more spiritual seekers than the grasping at and attaching to personal relationships.” ~ Adyashanti

I turn the thoughts around to the opposites: he should NOT stop being the judgy way he’s being, he should keep on doing what he’s doing, I should stop being the way I am being when I’m looking at him, I should stop being so critical of myself.

Could I allow my own critical mind, and his critical mind….to be as they are? No need to change them?

No need to fix anything. At all. Whatsoever.

Including my own mental analysis, criticism, judgment and overwhelm.

Inside I feel an inner sobbing, a welling up of release, freedom, letting go, defeat, surrender.

Acceptance of all that is, including criticisms and judgments and Huge Committee Voices that appear to attack the world non-stop, whether in his head or my own.

“All that happiness is already supplied. But the unquestioned mind is so loud, you don’t realize the happiness underneath the mind.” ~ Byron Katie 

Today, if you could really sit with the ultimate turnarounds to the thoughts that generate out like a machine when you’re upset, anxious about the future, disappointed about the past…

….could the opposites be as true, or truer, than your original beliefs?

I am soooo supported, I am ecstatic, I love everything, I’m connected to my mate, my child, the traffic, my friends, everyone’s incredible, I am just so freakin’ accepting, I absolutely love my own mind!

Wow.

I love my own mind?

Why not?

“You know why I care about loving someone? It hurts until I do. I am someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t. I discovered what masochism really is, and that discovery left me as someone who loves you…..If you hate me, you hate you. If you love me, you love you.” ~ Byron Katie 

Today, I love my own mind. I love that it is such a busy-bee.

I notice that when I love it, instead of waging war on it for being a judgment machine….

….it gets much, much quieter.

And sort of, well, friendly.

“All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love, Grace

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Doing The Work On Yourself

A very sincere inquirer contacted me to renew a series of sessions doing The Work recently.

She’s done the School for The Work, she has deep appreciation for and experience in examining her mind using the four questions.

But she had a dilemma, something I’ve heard from others, not just this caring woman.

How do I do The Work on myself?

Because, she said, I “get” that the process of observing my world and feeling upset has to do with stressful thinking….

….but the stressful thoughts inside my mind are all about me, not others.

If you think this from time to time, (or all the time) you are certainly not alone.

“Most of us have been pointing our criticism and judgments at ourselves for years, and it hasn’t solved anything yet…..It is extremely difficult to judge yourself. Some of us are very invested in our identifications; our ideas about ourselves–how we should look, how we should feel, what we should or shouldn’t be doing–are so strong that we may not be able to answer the four questions and do the turnarounds honestly.” ~ Byron Katie

I always recommend finding incidents and people who you really feel hurt by, because noticing your thoughts about these situations and relaxing them, allowing them to be, even turning them around to the opposite, can be deeply empowering.

But if you use your answers to slap yourself and get meaner than ever….maybe doing The Work on what you think about the universe, your mind, your thoughts, or your feelings can be very enlightening.

Start by making a list about what you hate about yourself. Be specific, be clear.

Here’s what the inquirer I worked with today found:

  • I’ll never succeed
  • I can’t stop being anxious (and I should stop)
  • My sleep patterns are ridiculous, I can’t sleep at the right time
  • This depression goes on and on, without change
  • Where is God? Not here!
  • My situation is hopeless, I want to give up
  • I’m a burden to all the people who love me

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

Even one of these thoughts will make you crawl under the covers, or sob, or wish you were dead.

I remember feeling this way myself.

At the end of my rope. Totally defeated.

Let’s take a look at some of these thoughts (like I did with my client).

Is it true that this situation is completely and totally hopeless? Are you sure you’re a burden to everyone who encounters you? Can you be certain that you should stop being anxious, and that your depression has lasted too long?

Yes. Double yes.

Sigh.

Even if you know this to be absolutely true for you….notice how you react and what happens next for you, when you believe these kinds of thoughts.

I feel soooo tired. More depressed. Desperate, isolated, fragmented. Against my mind, thinking there is something wrong with me and my brain, and that life isn’t supposed to be this way.

Angry, imploded. In the past, I might want to drink a lot, smoke, or eat even when not hungry. I’d avoid other people. Very introverted.

So who would you be without these kinds of terrible, painful thoughts?

Without the thought that your situation is hopeless, who would you be?

Listening. Taking one step. Going outside. Stopping. Looking. Waiting until you’re moved to go where you go.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I always succeed (the “I” that is eternal)
  • I can stop being anxious (and I shouldn’t stop until I do)
  • My sleep patterns are what they are, there is no right time or way to sleep (comparing is very stressful)
  • This depression does NOT go on without change
  • God is here
  • My situation is not hopeless, I don’t want to give up
  • I’m NOT a burden to all the people who love me, I’m a burden to myself

I can find the truth in all of these turnarounds….but here is one profound idea: YES, this is quite hopeless, but that is NOT a bad thing, it’s a good thing.

I know it’s weird.

The first time ever that I talked with Adya on a longer meditation retreat, I went up to the microphone. Not too shy to speak and ask a question. I was burning with curiosity.

I surprised myself by standing at the mic, and not being able to talk. Like the words got caught inside my throat, and stuck…and then tears welled up.

All I said at first, after some silence and trying to control my choking up was “I’ve tried everything….”

(Honestly, I now don’t believe that was even true, but it was good I believed that at the time, haha).

Adya said “Congratulations”.

Wait. What?

Oh.

Hopeless. Oh.

Nothing I can do. Nothing possible to do to get out of this situation, not really. Wow.

It does take some pressure off. You know?

“When you realize the truth, then you know that this truth is not fooling around. This truth wants you, and it wants your life, and it’s going to devour you and eat you up for dinner. The truth is not playing games.” ~ Adyashanti 

When you feel like all the thoughts that plague you are about yourself, about your mind, your feelings, your way of thinking, your mood….then go for it. Be there.

You can call the Help Line at www.thework.com and receive facilitation on your thoughts.

If I could do this inquiry, so can you, so can you.

“Waking up is like dying. Dying to the past. Dying to the known. Dying to all your thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Dying to who and what you think you are. Dying to all hope of something better. Dying to everything. Letting go of every attempt to hold on. Losing everything that can be lost and discovering what remains.” ~ Joan Tollifson (joantollifson.com)

Much love, Grace