We’ve all heard about the concept of making amends. That it’s very beneficial, for both the person making it, and the one receiving it.
An amends is perhaps an apology, but by definition it means to make up or repair a harm done. The word literally comes from the latin “to correct” a “blemish”. To make something right.
I once took the process of making amends overboard, though.
It wasn’t truly amend-making.
There I was, very young and going to 12 Step meetings, getting a sponsor, serving as a secretary, following the program.
There was something very cathartic about writing out all the wrongs I had done to people (the fourth step process). Incidents and relationships I felt uncomfortable about.
After some contemplation, the invitation is to make amends where you recognize you need to.
The thing is, at the time I was lousy at slowing down and seeing who I really, really needed to make amends to.
(It was myself most of all).
I wrote several letters to people I’m not sure I really harmed all that much.
It’s almost like I was excited about the possibility of being forgiven, and the more people who said “you are OK, I don’t hate you, and you’re forgiven” the more I’d feel good about myself.
Which really isn’t a true amends. Begging, hoping, wishing, longing, needing someone’s approval or blessing or acceptance is definitely NOT amends.
It has to be done with zero strings attached, without expectation.
So if you have someone in your life who’s been upset, angry, or hurt by you….
…..the first step is to do The Work.
I noticed in those “amends” I made with others so long ago, these letters went off to men I had dated. I can’t even remember the details. I broke up with them, or told them I wasn’t interested, or moved away. And here I was apologizing for doing that.
My assumption was they had been hurt, and I actually didn’t even know this for sure.
Kind of embarrassing, now that I think about it again.
Even if you have someone you’re sure you broke their heart, or hurt them….check to make sure if you were doing what was right for you. Because THAT is also extremely important to remember and notice.
Now, another brilliant teaching in the middle of all this amend-making, inside The Work, is the suggestion that when a turnaround hurts…..when it feels bad….you might want to take a look with inquiry at the turnaround.
As Katie suggests….a Turnaround should feel like a “kiss” and not a “slap”. In other words, if you start punching yourself (in your mind) when you find a turnaround towards yourself, there’s a little more work to do as you notice the violent thoughts towards yourself.
So this inquiry today comes out of a thought about me, that could be a turnaround found in inquiry, but a concept I used to believe was true with a vengeance.
I hurt him (when I said no).
This doesn’t have to be with a love or romance. It can be in friendship, as a parent, with co-workers.
Maybe you were awkward and bumbled your way through it, but you said no. You really didn’t want to work for them, go out with them, hang out with them, give them the shiny toy at the check-out stand. And they appeared upset.
You hurt them….is it true?
Yes. It seems like it. They acted frustrated. They tried to get my attention again. I avoided them.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that saying “no” hurt that person?
No.
How do you react when you think that thought?
Too nice. Talking longer than I’d like to someone. Not hanging up the phone. Feeling apologetic. Nervous about hurting them.
I treat them with kid gloves. I make things light, when I’m kind of nervous about their grabbiness. I call them “needy” in my mind.
In my past, how I reacted in my youthful efforts to be sane and compulsion-free were, I started apologizing right and left and feeling ashamed of myself.
So who would you be without that story?
I’d just say no. I wouldn’t withdraw and start to feel like hiding, or worried about their continued reaction. I wouldn’t start to feel insecure about what they’re REALLY thinking. I’d go on with my day, with my life. I’d know everyone will be OK, including me. I wouldn’t obsess about whether they still liked me or not. Ugh.
Turning the thought around:
I didn’t hurt them.
How could this be just as true?
They’re breathing. They get out of bed. They go to work. They have a whole life without crossing paths with mine. They are capable humans, on their own path. If they look wounded, I can even talk with them about it, and connect and listen, without rescuing.
It was an honest “no” so ultimately how could this hurt? Even if they acted like they wanted a dishonest “yes” I’m not sure they really would. Would you?
Turning the thought around again:
I hurt myself.
Yes, I dragged the “no” on forever without speaking it. I felt so incredibly nervous about “hurting” them I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to make sure to let them down easy. It was like I agreed with them. They ARE fragile. So I MUST sacrifice.
Yikes.
Turning it around again:
They hurt me.
I don’t have to find examples, if it feels right not to….I could even question the thought (maybe I already questioned this thought). But I can also notice if I think they did hurt me, and when, and simply respond with compassion and understanding, and saying “no” if I mean it.
They’re treating me the way I treat me. I was showing them I am someone who will rescue, sacrifice, worry, assist, and believe them to be people who can’t find balance or happiness without me.
Today, my living turnaround is actually not to be apologetic, in this kind of dynamic. It doesn’t mean I’m not full of love and care for that person. I am. But I see them as strong. Able. Someone being supported by the universe, just like me. It’s not my job to make them happy and un-hurt.
Instead, my living turnaround, a way of offering amends to those people and to myself, is to see us all as powerful, creative, clear people following the paths we must follow. And saying “no” when I mean it.
“If this was their only path to God, would you take it away?” asks Byron Katie sometimes, when people are desperately concerned with someone else’s happiness.
They always answer…..”no”.
And even though it’s in someone else’s business, and I can’t really know what’s true about that person over there, and their pain and suffering….another turnaround pops in that makes sense in this case, for me at least.
They hurt themselves.
This is not said with any fault or blame whatsoever. Only noticing their angst, their fear. There that person is, believing their thoughts (if they are). Like the child at the check-out stand screaming because mom says “no” to buying the shiny thing.
They’ll get over it.
And this is very important. It’s not said with malice, wishing they would, even the slightest criticism. You can love them with a big huge heart, be with them, listen with them, adore them, care about them….and still be completely honest with what’s true for you.
“Politeness and tact are supposed to be about consideration for others. But notice how often they are really about trying to control the impression you make….Why bother with all of this complicated pretending? There is no reason. You do it because neither of you has questioned the belief that your relationship depends on playacting and couldn’t stand up to honesty….What would happen if you moved and responded with less concern about what others will think? What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love Is It True pg. 44
If you notice this as an issue, and you want to find freedom from the trap of trying to please….one way is to come do The Work. Spring Retreat is filling very fast (May 11-14) in north Seattle. Or come to Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25.
Much love,
Grace