Tag: fear of losing money

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Can you breathe in and out happily, while holding money?

Oh no! Stop. Is it true?

You would think.

After all the “work” I’ve done on Money.

Which includes most recently, this past month of January in Year of Inquiry AND a new class on inquiring about money underway….

….you would THINK I’d feel happy all the time about money and whatever it’s doing. Or un-flummoxed. Liberated. Care-free.

(Questioning that you should feel happy and care-free about anything, when you don’t, is REALLY powerful. But that’s another inquiry).

The check arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon Fed Ex with a tap on the door. I opened it to see only the cardboard large envelope lying on the front porch and the Fed Ex driver already jumping back up inside his truck.

Opening it, I realized the endless refinancing project, which just took six long months, has completed. In the smooth envelope was a check. A chunk of “cash out” as they call it while refinancing the cottage I live in with my very darling husband Jon. We applied for extra loan money to build a little house for my mother in her final years, in our back yard.

Permits have been researched, the plans begun, ideas shared, architect consulted. It’s a good idea. We don’t have quite enough, we’ll have to save some, but we’ve been excited and talking about this with the whole family for a long time.

And yet….in the car on the way to deposit the check in the bank, I began to have pictures of going backwards into debt.

My dream of paying off a whole house mortgage just got farther away. Thoughts were born like rabbits, in the course of a 20 minute drive, me holding the check in my hand.

I’ll be working for 30 years to pay off this mortgage now. I didn’t do this whole thing all by myself. That would have been a real success. I want to leave this little cottage to my kids debt-free, its my only asset. I’ll be working until I’m 80. I can’t rest. I’ll never have the joy of No House Loan. Why didn’t I pay more attention and focus on earning and paying off the mortgage long ago? 

This is terrible.

I went silent, clutching the check, sweat starting to form on my forehead.

My husband, who was happy and celebratory, wondered what was wrong and asked me a few questions (he’s very patient).

Inside my head “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! OMG!!!”

Fortunately, another voice also rose in the mind, saying “Are you sure this is bad news?”

Who would you be without these thoughts? Without this massively weighty and sad story?

Chuckle.

Realizing a part of my mind is having a Buyers Remorse Hissy Fit.

Call the Fire Department! I’ve gotten a LOAN I have promised to pay back!

Deep breath.

Without the thought, I’d notice the quiet car as I gaze out the window from the passenger seat, the gentleness of the day and the air I’m breathing. I’d notice the red lights of other car tail lights sharing the road, leading the way in front of us. I’d hear the support of my husband’s voice.

I’d remember the very inquiry one of the adorable inquirers I heard and her voice as SHE did The Work only 2 days ago on the thought “I will ALWAYS need money” and the excitement I felt at the time noticing how always needing money could be as wonderful and light as always needing air.

It’s not like I’m thinking I’m responsible for the air every day, like I have to “work” for it OR ELSE….

….even though it is actually true that I need it to live, it appears.

Without the thought this has anything to do with me personally, and my survival. I’d be relaxed, comfortable, even joyful to share this moment with my husband who I’m for the first time officially sharing a house payment with since we got married almost 5 years ago.

Nothing. Is. Wrong.

Turning the thought around: This is a wonderful thing that is happening. I am going forward, not backwards, in sharing. I’m supporting myself and those around me. I am paying my financial debt and money is giving me joyful connection with family and being with my mom as she ages. I have no idea how long I’ll be working, or what the future will entail. And by the way, I LOVE my work. (Jeez, good point). It’s not exactly “working” it’s more like playing, loving, and being with the world in a way I never thought possible.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?? OMG YAYHOO!! THIS IS AWESOME!!

Isn’t that truer?

Wow.

“People talk about self-realization, and this is it. Can you just breathe in and out happily? Who cares about enlightenment when you’re happy right now? Just enlighten yourself to this moment. Can you just do that? And then, eventually, it all collapses. The mind merges with the heart and comes to see that it’s not separate. It finds a home, and it rests in itself, as itself.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 306 

Much love,

Grace

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Bills Bills Bills And The End of Suffering

I now know when my surgery will be: December 10th. A surgeon will be pinning my right torn hamstring back onto the pelvic bone.

When the date was set recently, guess what was one of the thoughts that ran through my mind?

How much will this cost? 

I know that medical procedures usually generate all kinds of bills. Something arrives in the mail from a lab, the doctor, the facility, the radiologist, another lab, the surgeon.

Bills!

What a great item for The Work.

A piece of paper comes in an envelope, addressed to you, and there is a number, and you owe that amount to the company, the organization, the service provider.

I love noticing the feeling inside when opening a bill and seeing “I owe” and watching if there is worry, frustration, nervousness, disappointment.

Any feeling at all of not liking the out-flow of money, of not liking that bill.

I don’t like it! I wish I didn’t have to pay this! 

Is it true?

Yes!

Although…almost as I’m saying “yes” I think “not really”.

I love the flow in and out of money. I love paying for wonderful service, for learning, for education, for healing help, for shelter, food, clothing.

But that little worry about not having enough….the amounts draining the bank account. The analysis of whether something is “worth” it or not.

How do I react when I believe the thought that this better be worth it?

The mind kicks in to the analysis zone, weighing and measuring something that often can’t quite be measured clearly. It gets all busy trying to see what things are worth….using a lot of energy.

What’s the value of my hamstring being sewn back to where it is supposed to go? Priceless. It’s worth it.

And if I didn’t have any health insurance? Still true.  

“My job is to be happy and wait. Decisions are easy. It’s the story you tell about them that isn’t easy. When you jump out of a plane and you pull the parachute cord and it doesn’t open, you feel fear, because you have the next cord to pull. So you pull that one, and it doesn’t open. And that’s the last cord. Now there’s no decision to make. When there’s no decision, there’s no fear, so just enjoy the trip! And that’s my position—I’m a lover of what is. What is: no cord to pull. It’s already happening. Free fall. I have nothing to do with it.” ~ Byron Katie 

This amount comes in, that amount goes out, in and out, up and down, I just know what to do next, what’s possible, what’s available, what is not available. 

Without the thought that I don’t like this or I don’t want to pay this bill?

I see how I am absolutely and completely fine right now in this moment, no matter what number is appearing on a paper.

I turn the thought around: I like this! I want to pay this bill!  

What a completely fun, relaxed, exciting, playful alternative!

I can be happy, no matter how much I pay, owe, give, deliver, offer. In fact, it’s VERY exciting.

“There’s no suffering in eating spaghetti with a thin tomato sauce (this is just one little example here, that stands for many things) rather than a nice, specially prepared sauce for pasta. But if suddenly, thought arises, and you think “this is what it has come to”, or “I have to eat this watery sauce, the cheapest food there is”, or “I’ve failed” or “I probably won’t find another job, because billions of people are now looking for jobs and it’s pointless” or “I’ll have to eat the same thing tomorrow” – [these thoughts] are where the suffering comes from. The suffering also comes from the diminished sense of self-worth, now where is that? Of course that’s in your head.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Right in the moment I am opening a bill, looking at the number, writing a check or making a bank transfer online….

….I can feel the thank-you, the joy of living this turnaround “I like paying this!”

If you find the idea tough…join us for the Money Teleclass that starts on December 5th in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace

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Dirty Nasty Money Thoughts

There was a long line at the local grocery store check out. A mom with a huge shopping cart full of food and her toddler son in the kid seat, and a young couple with a hand-held shopping basket were still in front of us.

I was with my boyfriend waiting in line. We had been dating for over two years and we knew each other pretty well, and loved each other’s company. 

This was the easiest, most natural, relaxed time I had ever had while dating.

No plans, rules, formalities, assumptions, expectations. Both of us married and divorced in the past, not so interested in “making” any commitments happen….very present moment and simple. There could be no tomorrow. No problem. 

Except…..

….we got to the check stand and the clerk rang up all our grocery items. We had four bags full of food, and some was for him, some was for me, some was for both of us. 

He wasn’t reaching for his wallet. The clerk said “that’ll be $72.91”. 

I was standing right in front of the grocery clerk, my boyfriend was still near the magazines and candy looking at the cover of something. 

I waited another second. I reached for my own wallet slowly. Inside my head “OMG I am going to HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS!” 

This was when he was supposed to look up and say “Oh! I got it!” and take out his credit card.

I’m adding up how much I have in my bank account, thinking about if there’s anything I could put back….

…mostly thinking about if there was some way I could HINT at the need for some financial participation here without saying “pay for this!”

Which would be sooooo rude.

Nothing. 

I came up with no possible way to ask for a contribution, or to get him to pay, that wouldn’t ALSO make me look like a sleeze-ball greed-monger cheap dependent poverty-oriented desperate sexist single mom.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Heh heh.

Why couldn’t he just have the mentality of LOVING being the guy that pays for everything? He should be THAT kinda guy!

Because then I feel taken care of, safe, secure, loved and supported. 

Yikes. 

Time for The Work. 

And all this came out of one short move that lasted literally 5 seconds. Him not taking out his wallet and not offering to pay.

  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he is not supportive
  • I’ll never get to relax financially in this relationship
  • if he doesn’t pay, it means he EXPECTS ME to pay
  • this is not safe
  • this is not fun, special or of financial benefit
  • he doesn’t make me feel like a pampered woman

Ewww. This was difficult for an independent, sister goddess, celebrating, joyful, feminine-powered woman to notice, that I imagined myself to be.

Another voice came in riding the tails of the first voice: You want the man to pay? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that’s from the slave-ownership man-dominated era? Aren’t the guys who always pay usually jerks?

And by the way, you can NEVER, EVER admit these thoughts, or he’d be shocked, hurt, upset and scared. 

Of course, I had done The Work for over two years solid on money, constantly (mostly since I had so little) and was living somehow with a mind that also constantly questioned itself, and was devoted to full-blown honesty (most of us find this more fun).

So ten minutes later, I was talking about just exactly what was inside my mind, on our walk home, carrying the groceries that I had just paid for.

I knew I wanted to enter who I would be WITHOUT the thought that any of those thoughts were true. I knew I was running stories.

My feelings told me.

I said to him, “I was just having these kinds of thoughts (see above bulleted list). But I realize I am assuming a LOT. I don’t know if it’s TRUE that you want ME to pay, that you don’t support me, or that you don’t think I’m worthy.”  

He was surprised and took out his wallet and gave me cash for half the amount, and told me he was absolutely happy to share expenses!

Hmmm. Different than the whole Its-On-Me thing. More….more….shared. 

Maybe who is paying for what has nothing to do with love, support, fun, specialness. Maybe relationships could have nothing to do with financial benefit, expectations for paying or not paying, safety, or being pampered. 

  • he does care about me, I don’t care about him, or myself right then (I was silent)
  • he is supportive….I was not supportive of myself in that moment
  • I am completely relaxed financially in every moment, when I really look
  • if he doesn’t pay, it does NOT mean he expects me to pay
  • this is safe, it is all safe
  • this is fun, special and of financial benefit, or not, so what?
  • I make me feel like a pampered woman (and so does he)

It was strange having all the walls fall down about money and relationship. But they were stories from ancient times….and they made no sense any more, for me.

The more I have questioned my dirty, nasty, embarrassing thoughts about money and who is supposed to pay, give, take or keep it and where it’s supposed to come from…

….the greater the freedom, the more relaxed, safe, supported, loved by all the universe, whether money is around or not. 

“How do you react when you believe that thought, that someone owes you? Now flow into who you would be without the thought that he owes you? Now turn the thought around…you owe him….you owe yourself….

This dream world that we call earth and life, it’s duality: good/evil, right/wrong, up/down, left/right, polarity. And as we question our mind, we leave the Other World, we leave the world of duality and we find ourselves in a whole other paradigm right here on earth. It leaves the world without an enemy.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come join the adventure of questioning your very painful, conflicting beliefs about money, earning, other people’s money, your mate’s money….with 8 weeks of inquiry, who knows what can happen. You may leave your world behind. 

The Money Teleclass starts in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.

Love, Grace