There was a long line at the local grocery store check out. A mom with a huge shopping cart full of food and her toddler son in the kid seat, and a young couple with a hand-held shopping basket were still in front of us.
I was with my boyfriend waiting in line. We had been dating for over two years and we knew each other pretty well, and loved each other’s company.
This was the easiest, most natural, relaxed time I had ever had while dating.
No plans, rules, formalities, assumptions, expectations. Both of us married and divorced in the past, not so interested in “making” any commitments happen….very present moment and simple. There could be no tomorrow. No problem.
Except…..
….we got to the check stand and the clerk rang up all our grocery items. We had four bags full of food, and some was for him, some was for me, some was for both of us.
He wasn’t reaching for his wallet. The clerk said “that’ll be $72.91”.
I was standing right in front of the grocery clerk, my boyfriend was still near the magazines and candy looking at the cover of something.
I waited another second. I reached for my own wallet slowly. Inside my head “OMG I am going to HAVE TO PAY FOR THIS!”
This was when he was supposed to look up and say “Oh! I got it!” and take out his credit card.
I’m adding up how much I have in my bank account, thinking about if there’s anything I could put back….
…mostly thinking about if there was some way I could HINT at the need for some financial participation here without saying “pay for this!”
Which would be sooooo rude.
Nothing.
I came up with no possible way to ask for a contribution, or to get him to pay, that wouldn’t ALSO make me look like a sleeze-ball greed-monger cheap dependent poverty-oriented desperate sexist single mom.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Heh heh.
Why couldn’t he just have the mentality of LOVING being the guy that pays for everything? He should be THAT kinda guy!
Because then I feel taken care of, safe, secure, loved and supported.
Yikes.
Time for The Work.
And all this came out of one short move that lasted literally 5 seconds. Him not taking out his wallet and not offering to pay.
- he doesn’t care about me
- he is not supportive
- I’ll never get to relax financially in this relationship
- if he doesn’t pay, it means he EXPECTS ME to pay
- this is not safe
- this is not fun, special or of financial benefit
- he doesn’t make me feel like a pampered woman
Ewww. This was difficult for an independent, sister goddess, celebrating, joyful, feminine-powered woman to notice, that I imagined myself to be.
Another voice came in riding the tails of the first voice: You want the man to pay? What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know that’s from the slave-ownership man-dominated era? Aren’t the guys who always pay usually jerks?
And by the way, you can NEVER, EVER admit these thoughts, or he’d be shocked, hurt, upset and scared.
Of course, I had done The Work for over two years solid on money, constantly (mostly since I had so little) and was living somehow with a mind that also constantly questioned itself, and was devoted to full-blown honesty (most of us find this more fun).
So ten minutes later, I was talking about just exactly what was inside my mind, on our walk home, carrying the groceries that I had just paid for.
I knew I wanted to enter who I would be WITHOUT the thought that any of those thoughts were true. I knew I was running stories.
My feelings told me.
I said to him, “I was just having these kinds of thoughts (see above bulleted list). But I realize I am assuming a LOT. I don’t know if it’s TRUE that you want ME to pay, that you don’t support me, or that you don’t think I’m worthy.”
He was surprised and took out his wallet and gave me cash for half the amount, and told me he was absolutely happy to share expenses!
Hmmm. Different than the whole Its-On-Me thing. More….more….shared.
Maybe who is paying for what has nothing to do with love, support, fun, specialness. Maybe relationships could have nothing to do with financial benefit, expectations for paying or not paying, safety, or being pampered.
- he does care about me, I don’t care about him, or myself right then (I was silent)
- he is supportive….I was not supportive of myself in that moment
- I am completely relaxed financially in every moment, when I really look
- if he doesn’t pay, it does NOT mean he expects me to pay
- this is safe, it is all safe
- this is fun, special and of financial benefit, or not, so what?
- I make me feel like a pampered woman (and so does he)
It was strange having all the walls fall down about money and relationship. But they were stories from ancient times….and they made no sense any more, for me.
The more I have questioned my dirty, nasty, embarrassing thoughts about money and who is supposed to pay, give, take or keep it and where it’s supposed to come from…
….the greater the freedom, the more relaxed, safe, supported, loved by all the universe, whether money is around or not.
“How do you react when you believe that thought, that someone owes you? Now flow into who you would be without the thought that he owes you? Now turn the thought around…you owe him….you owe yourself….
This dream world that we call earth and life, it’s duality: good/evil, right/wrong, up/down, left/right, polarity. And as we question our mind, we leave the Other World, we leave the world of duality and we find ourselves in a whole other paradigm right here on earth. It leaves the world without an enemy.” ~ Byron Katie
Come join the adventure of questioning your very painful, conflicting beliefs about money, earning, other people’s money, your mate’s money….with 8 weeks of inquiry, who knows what can happen. You may leave your world behind.
The Money Teleclass starts in 2 weeks at 8 am Pacific Time. Register or find out more by clicking HERE.
Love, Grace