This past weekend the sky was mostly gray, the leaves were mostly gone from all the trees and in thick clumps along the street, and my mind was mostly busy with thoughts that appeared random on the surface.
When my mind is buzzing then often there is a little anxious thought or two moving around, often related to the past or the future (they always are).
In the middle of many images and ideas, plans, thinking…I remembered a young professional woman from Europe who I worked with several years ago.
She had been involved with a man who had decided it was time to marry, but not her. She wasn’t the proper type for his family and what he wanted to preserve as his tradition, so he needed to move on.
She had been devastated, even though she had known already about his beliefs and family and that she didn’t fit into his tradition as a mate.
Her story brought out difficulty for her….but what she noticed about doing The Work was really interesting to me.
We had a couple of sessions and then she said “It’s not working”.
She told me she went right back to pining, longing, desperation, isolating, curling up in bed and crying about this lost relationship….
….even after finding great internal relief through doing The Work.
It’s like it didn’t “stick”. It didn’t really make a deep, ever-present change.
I suggested she attend an in-person retreat, go to The School, immerse herself in self-inquiry.
She never came back for another session.
I wondered about how she was doing and what else had unfolded in her fascinating life….and I also wondered about what is going on that she didn’t really get The Work.
Then I realized….this is time for ME to do The Work….not her.
- I should have helped her
- she was too stuck in her story
- she didn’t go deep enough
- she wasn’t truly questioning her beliefs
- I want her to have what I have
- I should have explained it better
- I was missing something
Is it true that I should have done a better job, that I should have offered it differently? That I didn’t help her, and I should have?
Yes! I want every single person to get at least a spark of insight, but preferably a massive wave of awareness, of enlightenment…
…..I want them to end their stories, and feel the relief, the change, a stunning new way of looking at the world, at their entire lives.
They should feel a shift!
Really? Seriously? Everyone?
Well…no. No.
No one I have ever known or heard of has ever touched everyone in a way that produces awareness, enlightenment, freedom, relief.
Not even the great spiritual masters.
What am I even hoping for?
It all seemed suddenly very odd, all the thoughts I’ve ever had about helping other people, providing support, hope, a shift, some kind of change, a different perspective.
All these results have nothing to do with me, actually.
How do I react when I believe the thought that I need to support, help, or provide some kind of shift or change for someone, and they are not experiencing one?
I feel like a failure, like I’m missing something, like I should be better, like I should say the right thing at the right time.
I think about the woman’s work and her despair, her worksheets, what we did The Work on and if there was a way I could have assisted her in getting to a different core belief.
I rehash her issue, her situation.
It’s not very kind, or easy, inside my own mind.
People feel this way sometimes when they’re dating, and someone says “no thanks”. Or when they’re interviewing for a job, and the employer says “not you”. Or when they’re getting chosen for a team and they’re chosen last.
So who would I be without the thought that someone saying “no thanks” meant I should have done it different, better, that I was missing something, or a failure?
Sooooo very grateful, full of wonder, smiling as I remember that lovely young woman.
Excited to continue the journey. Noticing the incredible range of people who show up to do The Work with me….the many situations and experiences they have.
Aware that there are so many healing modalities, practitioners, ways of working, methods, teachers….
….I myself have benefitted from so many. Not only The Work. The world is full of incredible creativity and offers so many ways to unravel stories and pain.
- I should not have helped her
- she was NOT too stuck in her story, I was too stuck in my story that she was stuck
- she did go deep enough, she was so honest
- she WAS truly questioning her beliefs, I wasn’t truly questioning my beliefs
- I do NOT want her to have what I have, I want her to have what SHE has
- I should NOT have explained it better
- I was not missing anything
“No one has ever been able to control their thinking, although people may tell the story of how they have. I don’t let go of my thoughts–I meet them with understanding. Then THEY let go of me.~ Byron Katie
“Can the inner weather be seen as impersonally as the outer weather, or do we imagine that the inner weather is my doing: my fault or my triumph?” ~ Joan Tollifson
Oh boy! Any “no thank you” simply shows me the way reality moves.
Beautifully.
Love, Grace