It was dark, raining, almost-freezing night with a light dusting of snow from the day before in people’s yards. I was driving from one caroling party, with lively songs, and beautiful voices, to a second party #2 which I knew almost nothing about except that a man I liked said I should come.
It was already about 10 pm, but I was wide awake and on this adventure. Even though parking and entering the big house was pretty scary for me, normally pretty quiet and shy.
Entering the house….I noticed string red lights and lots of darkness, and electronica type trance music.
Cut to 30 minutes later, with me LEAVING that party. I realized there was something going on with hook-ups or casual sex.
Those Poly-Amorous People. Gawd, what grabby hungry entertainment pleasure addicts!!
One of my favorite ways of discovering and unearthing my frightening thoughts has been to look in a very general way at my concerns or judgments against whole groups of people.
And then….once I see them all crowded around me, as if I was going to a big convention with Those People…I allow memories to surface as I ask myself WHY?
Oh yeah. That’s right. I could do The Work on Those People at that party.
First, I needed to identify what it was that I was actually believing that made me feel so uncomfortable.
What bothers me about them? What?
When we do this exercise in the YOI Group for a month….lots and lots of fascinating generalizations come out of the people participating.
Everyone identifies a LOT of interesting Whole Groups.
Like Nazi’s, drug sellers, con artists, the IRS, complainers, anti-Americans, animal abusers, gamblers, violent protesters, porn addicts, street gangs, pedophiles….
….what are yours?
But then, we’ve found it’s important to get specific. To dig in a little.
What does it mean, to be a member of one of these groups? And do I have a unique situation where I can examine more deeply what might have bothered me?
Oh do I have to? Can’t I just stay up here on the surface and be all critical and separate? It seems safer.
It’s not though.
Sigh.
What do Those People think, say, do or feel that I feel the most afraid of?
I see the scene from that party, a man leering in, looking like he’s starving and I am meat.
- He wants to grab, consume, he can’t get enough, can’t stop, he demands
- He doesn’t care what I think
- He doesn’t care about me at all, unless I supply him with pleasure
- He gets bored easily, he’s not interested in true intimacy
- He’s addicted to merging
OK, good now to take a look at this deep separation, this judgment.
Is this true? Can I really know he thinks I’m meat?
I take a very deep breath. I’m realizing how angry I feel. I want to say “yes”.
Can I absolutely know that these things are true about him?
No. I don’t even KNOW this man. I had one interaction with him for literally 2 minutes.
I was bunching him into the box of THAT kind of guy. Those Men. But I really can’t know that he is what I am thinking about him.
Who would I be without the thought that he is grabby, doesn’t care about me, is an addict, isn’t interested in true intimacy (which I’m not even sure what that is) or that he can’t stop himself?
I’d probably laugh when he leaned in and said “let’s go upstairs!” And I don’t mean laugh with mocking….I mean laugh with surprise.
I’d think it was fascinating. Really? I could find out if I wanted to go upstairs…I don’t really know what it means now, do I?
Without these thoughts, I am free to go or stay or leave or do whatever I want or need at any moment. I could ask him more questions, ones that I would like to ask, like “why do you want to go upstairs?” or “what are your intentions?”
I turn all these thoughts around and discover myself, in all of them.
- I want to grab, consume, I can’t get enough, can’t stop, I demand: yes, I’ve been this way with food, that’s for sure….my own form of pleasure and escape
- I don’t care what I think: yes, I’ve made sure I’m nice when solicited, instead of direct and honest with NO
- I don’t care about him at all, unless he supplies me with pleasure: yes, I would only have talked with him further if I had felt safe and pleased in his company
- I get bored easily, I’m not interested in true intimacy: well, I was outta there in minutes…I gave him no time at all, I was not interested in true intimacy
- I’m addicted to merging: I wanted only to connect if it felt like we were simpatico, similar, amigos. Otherwise, I separated.
“Who would you be without the belief that those people should be civil and polite?…..Can you feel the pain of going through life dictating ‘they should this, they should that, they’d be better if’ and do it as if you KNOW, like ‘I’m the knower here!’ ” ~ Byron Katie
In the moment I think of Them as different, separate, wrong…uncomfortable to be around…
…maybe that’s a moment I am being invited to connect.
First, I make contact with myself and feel how happy I am being here, being me.
Then I connect with them as a human being, and perhaps I have something to say, perhaps I do not.
The feeling inside is compassion and clarity, not rage, or superiority.
All is well here, all is well.
Our Wonderful Sexuality begins in January on Tuesdays for 8 weeks. Join us if you feel burdened by these kinds of painful beliefs. You may find joyful freedom on the other side.
Love, Grace