Tag: sexuality

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This has been killing me since January. (Oh, wait…is that true?)

Last January 28th, on my birthday to be exact, my mom and I had breakfast in the local Honey Bear Bakery across the street from my cottage.

That late day in January almost seven months ago, we decided to take a walk in my neighborhood in the bright mid-day winter.

It was a little bit sunny, I remember. Not Raining is a thing at that time of year.

The air was fresh, cool. Soothing.

The night before I had texted my son, now living very close by in the house his father had owned before he died of cancer 18 months earlier.

My son had replied “Sure, breakfast with you and grandma sounds fun! See you there!”

He hadn’t shown up, so we ate without him.

No big deal, my mom and I said to each other. He’s so forgetful. If his head wasn’t attached by the neck to his body, he’d leave it somewhere.

We decided, as we put on our January rain jackets, to walk over to his place, knock on the door and see if he wanted to come walk with us.

We showed up at his basement apartment door.

Apologies, laughter, more apologies. There was a young woman in his apartment. We had heard about her, but not met her yet. She didn’t want to come out to meet us.

(I watched a few thoughts run through about that–she should want to meet us, if they’ve been dating for 3 months now….is it true?)

My son pulled on his tall black Hansen rubber boots to his 6 foot 4 inch tall frame.

Little did I know as we three stepped out into the lush, wet, northwest late morning that our walk would reveal a massively unexpected bit of information.

Like. Insanely unexpected.

Never, ever before imagined or wondered about.

Well, certainly not imagined for me.

During the conversation as we trod down the very center of the wide paved quiet road lined with huge tall evergreens, my mother started prodding my son with questions about his girlfriend.

My mom commented on how shy the young woman seemed. She also asked about the girlfriend’s change of pronouns to them/they/theirs.

“What’s her motivation….I mean, what’s ‘their’ motivation?” asks my mom.

“And are you thinking of changing your own pronouns?” says my mom after some discourse.

I almost want to say “don’t ask him so many personal questions–especially that one mom. Leave him alone, jeez.”

My mom has always been caring, interested, and has no hesitation asking whatever comes to her mind.

It’s been a really, really good thing, to be honest.

Even if incredibly uncomfortable sometimes growing up.

My son paused, stopped walking with tall cattails waving slowly behind him and the creek singing loudly just past the path we had turned on, both hands deep in his pants pockets….

….and said….

….”why yes, yes actually. I AM changing my pronouns. To they/them. No longer he/him. Consider the pronouns changed. I prefer they/them”.

Holy Sh*t.

I felt a rush of adrenaline.

That was the first spotlight of awareness getting revealed to me. The first piece of information that didn’t fit my expected story.

Like in a very dark black theater, I’m in the audience way back in the seats farthest away from the stage, and the show is about to begin.

BAM. You know that turn-on-the-huge-theater-spotlight sound?

All the light suddenly in a bright column on stage.

Blackness surrounding this column.

That one spotlight turns on and we see everything inside only that beam of light.

They/Them pronouns.

What does this mean?

I had not known there was a whole stage, a whole unknown world surrounding and behind the light beam of new information.

An entire world, a whole enormous set.

A set with furniture, color, atmosphere, clues, history, people, genders, anger, passion.

With one spotlight, it’s all still basically in the dark, but the audience now knows the set is there.

We know now.

I knew now.

I had seen none of it.

I hadn’t even been invited into the theater before. It almost seems I had accidentally entered this theater, pulled in by my mother and her curiosity.

A world of gender questioning and challenging in ways different from what I’ve pondered myself. Maybe.

BAM. Another spotlight turns on two weeks later when I have a further discussion with my oldest child, this being who is now they/them, and find out ‘they’ have been taking hormones to increase estrogen and decrease testosterone since October.

I almost gasp inside.

WHAT?!

The mind starts fitting puzzle pieces together from the past year. I think about how weird last Thanksgiving had been, for example. Last November. I felt like something wasn’t being said.

I had wondered on that November journey if it was just my own sentimentality since I had been to our destination many times over the years: Cannon Beach, Oregon.

It’s where I had spent a honeymoon with my children’s father, right after our November wedding in 1990.

I had wanted to talk about their dad and remember him, but something was just….off.

After the second evening together on that trip, just before dozing off to sleep, I had said to my now husband, my two children’s step father (he’s been around since the kids were 8 and 11) “Something’s off, like we aren’t talking about something. It feels weird. I can’t put my finger on it.”

BAM. Three more spotlights turn on a few more weeks later when we have a five hour conversation about gender, society, culture, depression, conditioning, suicide, rage.

Wow.

“I don’t know why, mom, it just seems right. I can’t present as a male right now in my life.”

Me in my head only [Why the hell not? You’re one of the good ones, we need you! Don’t abandon your role as man, oh please, let this not be happening. Why do all the good men leave? (Um, they don’t, let’s not get carried away).]

“No I have not consulted or told anyone at all. It seemed necessary to do this on my own and not get influenced by other people.”

[You didn’t want ME to influence you. I mean nothing to you? Mothers have no power after all. My heart is breaking. You shouldn’t care about whatever your gender is so much. You’re throwing away a great life. Sob. (Um, hello, remember “is it true?” Heh heh.)]

“No I am not interested in surgery”.

[Thank God, maybe there’s hope. Stop! Don’t! How could I have not seen this? What’s wrong with me? Is this because your dad died? Please never, ever want to get expensive surgery that will make you look confusing and weird. (Um, this doesn’t have anything to do with you? Hello?)].

“Sure I do like girls or women, yes, and you could say that makes me a non-binary lesbian, mom.”

[A lesbian with a penis? Stop the insanity! (Remember how much you like challenges to ‘normal’ and the joy of change?)].

“Quit asking me questions, do your own research! I don’t have time for five hour conversations every week.”

[My son has died. He never asked me one thing about this predicament, this concern. What is this agony? Remember how fun and comfortable you find the LGBTQ+ world–even though you don’t identify there? Why so upset?? (You sure are having a hissy fit, interesting!)]

After tossing and turning one night for hours, I knew what to do.

Write it down.

Catch the thoughts–manifest them on paper. Stop them moving so fast by writing them.

Take your own medicine, Grace.

Ask four questions on one thought at a time.

Turn it around.

Funny that I would even let a few days go by without doing The Work.

Thank goodness I facilitate The Work. It is for me, once again.

What’s that, Grace? Who’s it for?

(The court fool in the corner is holding their hand to their ear with a smile. “Who is The Work for, Ms. Bell?)

Me. Mind.

This mind, having it’s thoughts that are very dramatic, catastrophic, wail-inducing.

I do The Work. I find a crack in my story, just by watching the stress and disappointment arise and asking “who would I be without this story?”

For the next weeks, every person’s inquiry I work with, every group where someone brings pain to the surface, I see this “son” saying they aren’t my “son”.

I listen, I plug in my child’s face, I hear those who have come to be clients giving their wisdom; the lovely and thoughtful year of inquiry group, the sincere and passionate eating peace group….everyone in these groups so brilliant in their own way, here to speak their answers.

I write.

One day, I have people in one of the groups write down what they have lost, in an important situation where LOSS is the caption of the story.

I do the exercise, too.

What have I lost, when it comes to this oldest child of mine? What does it mean for me?

LOSS EXERCISE:
I’ve lost my fairy tale ending with a son
I’ve lost my SON, a boy.
And it means that…..
People will be frightened of him, and of me
I did something wrong
He’s reject-able
That beautiful version of him is dead
He is throwing his opportunity away
People will hurt him
Being the good king, being president, being in charge, being leader, being the man, being Jon Snow, being the biggest-boss-there-ever-was….is not possible.

I begin to do The Work.

I am stunned. I see how in the card deck, the King is higher than the Queen. It was always that way. I never questioned it.

Fascinating.

What if that’s not true?

I write several Judge Your Neighbor worksheets for different situations, answering the six questions to identify more of what I’m thinking. I spend time contemplating, wondering about my story.

I’m listening.

My first sentence? The crime, the offense, the thing I hate that’s happened?

“My son is killing my son”.

How bizarre. It’s like “he” should keep being THAT IMAGE.

The handsome, beautiful man I see. The one I adore. The one I delight in listening to, in talking to for hours.

I had no idea I was so set in my mind about what I saw, how I saw it, who else should see it, how it needed to be maintained and seen long-term, and what I expected to see in the future.

Wow.

Left turn.

Pivot, (as they say during pandemics).

Universe showing up for me to learn.

Pandemic thinking, catastrophic thinking, grandiose thinking. A lot of killing going on.

Do I want to fight and crush my own heart into pieces with my disappointment, or broken heart, or diseased visions for the future that could use a little upgrade, or peace?

Or do I want to be open to whatever’s unfolding?

I get to choose.

“Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

And so the light continues to turn on, sometimes a strobe light, sometimes way too bright–until my eyes adjust.

Sometimes I wish for a blindfold, or those little delicate sandbags someone placed over my closed eyes once in a spa.

Do I really have to look? Do I have to see how much I dreamed the story to go one certain way, instead of remembering the universe is the one in charge?

Who am I without my nightmare story? Is it even “my” story?

Without this story, I’d be hearing my mother, the grandmother of my changing child, say to me on the phone last night after this child moved in with her; “This is going to be amazing. Their life could be better this way than the way it might have been without this change. This kid is fascinating….it’s going to be amazing, fabulous, wonderful. I am sooooo excited!”

These words from my mother who turned 83 two days ago.

An open mind, an unconditionally loving mind, has nothing to do with age.

Who would I be without my story?

Aware of the incredible support.

Aware of the question arising in me “that’s MY son, “my” child–is that even true?”

Aware of how much I love a future without limits, without definition.

Aware that I can also be thrilled, just like my loving mother who I adore.

I can also be full of wonder, surviving despite all the experiences and stories about pain and suffering, rejection and failure, gender and privilege.

Steady on into questioning my beliefs.

Are they even “my” beliefs?

LOL.

And so….the page-turner continues.

Life is the teacher, the guru.

All of life, everything I meet, every person I encounter.

Without my stories of what should be: son, child, dream, future, health, enlightenment, success, safety, right, money, wrong, even God….

….without “my” stories about any of this….

….something rises inside that’s like a laugh.

A joy.

Nothing serious going on here.

So Year of Inquiry is preparing for a new group of inquirers ready to journey together in The Work for a whole year.

Apparently, doing The Work is of phenomenal benefit for me, personally.

The group is part of my spiritual practice.

I love sharing The Work.

Which makes me extremely happy to know people will be coming on board and helping me stay on the peace train and discover the possibilities for whole new worlds.

The Work, especially with other people, is the one thing I can apparently do with all these wild stories careening around creating fear, agony, stress, anxiety, anger, rage, sadness and heartbreak.

I wouldn’t have the stories go any other way.

(They are rather exciting, no?)

I am so grateful I have four questions I can ask, and turnarounds I can fall into.

Like little mental wake-up slaps when I’m dozing off during a concussion. Er, I mean gentle dawning of the light.

Turned around: My thinking is killing my son, my thinking is killing me, my son is creating and giving birth to someone new.

Human being.

Thinking.

Seeing nightmares.

Human being.

Thinking.

Seeing possibilities, joy, love.

Human being.

Thinking.

Laughing at the thinking.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

Our world-changing citizen groups start September 15th, 2020 and we work together through June 17th, 2021…followed by Summer Camp for The Mind which is always included for Year of Inquiry folks.

Our schedule?

Tuesdays 9am Pacific Time (Noon ET/ 6pm Europe or South Africa), and/or,
Thursdays 5pm Pacific Time (8pm ET/ 9am Japan Friday/ 10am Sydney Friday)
Saturdays 8:30am Pacific Time (11:30am ET/ 4:30pm UK)

Having a weekend day is by popular request for those working and busy all the time Monday-Friday.

I don’t mind.

“Mind”–LOL.

Read more about our group, the schedule, and the program right HERE: www.workwithgrace.com

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

That’s the best kind of way to live a life.

Thanks for joining me on the journey.

Much love,
Grace

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50 Shades of Thought

50 Shades of Thought

Since the Love, Romance and Sexuality telecourse is underway….

….I’ve had the wonderful privilege of being with others investigating moments of criticism, disappointment, tension about nakedness, concerns when it comes to physical contact with others.

So many thoughts in one split second.

At least 50!

And speaking of romance and sexuality….

….I’ve ALSO been noticing, under the same topic, outcries, conversations, heated discussions, and an occasional note zipping by on facebook about that movie.

You know, that movie.

(Fifty Shades of Gray).

What surprised me recently was when I heard about some people who were into culturally experimental views around sexuality and sexual ethics….

….and even THEY were up-in-arms about the movie.

I thought they wouldn’t care, or have no opinion, or be in favor of everyone doing whatever they want….but no.

They had some pretty strong opinions about the whole thing.

I started noticing a little bubbling up of stress, and a typical reaction I’ve had when things gain a lot of controversy and everyone gets very worked up in the media.

They should calm down, stop getting so aggravated!

What is everyone getting so excited about, I mean for Gawd Sakes!?

Chill!

And I am NOT going write about some pop culture thing like 50 Shades in my Grace Note either! Jeez!

Ha ha!

Who would I be without my story about 50 shades and 50 opinions and 50 controversies and 50 ways to calm down?

I might actually connect. Ask questions. Ask people about what’s disturbing them, why they care.

I might listen.

Turning my high-fallutin’ thoughts around about how I can’t be bothered….

….I remember I myself am investigating every single week in my own telecourse the great topic of sexuality, romance, and passion.

We’re looking at our ideas about what hurts, and what doesn’t.

Everyone has thoughts about what is right, what is threatening, what is a solution, what is wrong, what works, what doesn’t work!

To look deeply and with an open mind at human sexuality is caring.

It’s a privilege, a wonderful exploration.

I do care about 50 thoughts, 50 ideas, 50 inquiries, 50 stressful beliefs, 50 ways to freedom, 50 turnarounds, 50 feelings. 

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare–it looks forward to it.” ~ Byron Katie 

And I notice right now I’m feeling the joy of silence, writing only this sentence, remembering the sweet inquiring in the class the other day on sexuality, getting ready to stand up, gather keys, head for the gym.

Full of celebration about this world of people all singing their songs, full of life, being themselves, and feeling sexual, or not.

Love, Grace

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Our Wonderful Romance

It has to be good, it must go the way I want, I want it to unfold like this (not that), this needs to be fun, it better be right.

Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners---long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused---every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie
Nervous about romance? Teleclass starting Thursday 1/22 to question your stressful thinking, and change your life when it comes to partners—long term, broken-up, dating, divorced, confused—every difficult situation can be lightened through The Work of Byron Katie

Have you ever had these ideas about something coming up on your calendar?

Oh boy.

When it goes well, it’s awesome! Hand clapping! Yay! I must be doing something right!

And if it doesn’t.

Oh rats.

This is terrible. A sinking feeling. Depressed, disappointed, worried, unhappy. I must be doing something wrong!

Last week I had many people writing to me about the upcoming teleclass on “sexuality”, but few people committing to join.

This is the ONLY teleclass where people are so hesitant, in comparison to the other teleclasses I teach on food, parenting, relationships, illness/death and money.

People are skittish, nervous.

Do we have to say everything out loud, someone asked?

Once during the very first session, someone said they wrote in their notebook today’s date, and The “S” Teleclass.

She couldn’t write “Sexuality”.

I might need to name it something different….like The Work of Byron Katie on attraction, touch, romance and lovers.

In fact, that sounds pretty good!

Why didn’t I think of that before??!!

But even as I consider new names for the class, or new ways to offer or help on this topic, or new ways to show up as a guide on the road to the end of suffering around romance, lust and attraction…

….I can even do The Work on the idea that changing this teleclass neeeeeeeds to happen.

What if the way it is going is just right?

Who would I be without the belief that it needs to go “well”, be full of participants sooner than later, be popular, that people should get how awesome this class is, people shouldn’t feel worried about talking about *s–*?

How would I really feel without the thought that the way its going is wrong, or it could be better another way than this?

Woah.

What an eye-opener.

Suddenly…without the belief that the class should be filling sooner, people should jump at the chance to speak openly about sexual feelings, I remember how it feels to not think anything should be any different than it is.

Quite stunning really.

Not one thing out of place. Can you get a taste of it?

What if the pain, the things you don’t like, your daily routines or people you feel out of sorts with, are really allowed to be as they are?

What if you didn’t resist them, or argue about them, or complain, or fight? What if it could all be here?

Even my resistance itself, what if that was OK, too?

“It isn’t getting what we want that makes us happy. It’s being happy with whatever we experience–or perhaps I should say, being happy regardless what we experience. To some people this will sound like a defeatist attitude, settling for mediocrity rather than striving for more. Yet nothing in the statement says that we can’t strive, or create any number of activities or experiences. Simply that we are happy with whatever we experience, even the striving.” ~ Peter Ralston in The Book of Not Knowing

I turn the beliefs around to try them on: It does NOT have to be “good”, it must go the way it goes, I want it to unfold like this and no other way, this needs to NOT be fun, if it isn’t. 

How could I find just a drop of openness to these thoughts, instead of their opposites that I was automatically thinking before?

Well.

I certainly notice it’s more fun to lighten up about the way this thing is going, that’s for dang sure.

The way it’s going shows me what not to pursue, what to drop, if there’s a turn needed along the path.

The way my class is going, for example, shows me there’s something not yet understood about the laughter and lightness possible when doing The Work on romance, or who-is-doing-what- in-the-bedroom…..

…..and I can express what its like more clearly, or make it safer.

Can you find examples of why the way your thing is going is just perfect (even your romantic relationship status) how there might be advantages (even if it doesn’t seem like it) or how you benefit by the way its unfolding?

Share them with me, I’d love to hear.

And meanwhile….

….if you have a broken heart, or struggle, or sadness about something that’s gone down around romance or physical touch, or your expectations about it are getting shattered….

….then you may want to consider joining a small group of journeyers along the path to deeply question your thoughts about sexuality and romance.

This includes people sleeping with you, people sleeping with other people, people making that strange move you didn’t get, you not being happy or thrilled, you feeling bereft or anxious, him acting weird, her acting weird, you feeling worried about what to say.

Anything stressful is the perfect situation for inquiry.

If you can un-do your painful beliefs (notice I said painful beliefs–you can keep the fun, exciting ones) then you may find a whole new world of possibilities when it comes to partnership and love, right in front of you.

We’re starting this coming Thursday at 10 am Pacific Time for 90 minutes. We meet 8 weeks. This class MAY be for Women Only, if enough interested women really want that boundary. I do have interested men, so speak up today (write grace@workwithgrace.com) to ask questions or find out more.

I give you time, respect and attention as a facilitator of The Work.

YOU free your mind.

Click here to read more, or register.

Much love, Grace

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I’ve Been Cheated! And Other Invitations To Freedom

He cheated on me. I was betrayed. She abandoned me. 

This orientation to partnership is very common.

Many times, in working with others about romantic relationships, they will speak these words.

I love the way the word “cheated” comes up.

People use this word to describe going off diets (I cheated on my diet) or money (he cheated me out of my fair share) or love.

When you use the word “cheated”…. 

….about anything…

….you are sitting right in the center of pain.

You are shouting from the rooftops that YOU are WRONGED, that you are worthy of being cheated on, that you are damaged.

I know it hurts. I do understand. I’ve had the very same thoughts!

But inquiring and seeing, with more open eyes instead of the eyes of a victim, can be the most liberating thing ever.

People will say “I can’t let go of how hurt I was” like it means they will lose a battle.

If you say this, you may be losing already, you may be in a battle getting beaten to a pulp, so you may as well look more closely and see.

Let’s do it!

He or she cheated on you.

Is that true?

Yes! Disaster! Life story changed! The most terrible horrible thing happened! The worst that I could imagine came true!

But who would you be without the belief that it is even possible to be cheated on?

Weird, I know.

It’s such a long, abiding story of lover relationships. We guaranteed to remain true to each other, only, and never change our minds.

(Impossible to guarantee anything, have you noticed?)

But really. What if it was not cheating? What if there was no such thing?

What if there was simply human being moving from here, to over there, following their own impulses or desires or interests?

Can you really vow to never have a thought, a desire, an attraction towards more than one person….

….or even if you naturally keep this vow just because of the way you are without trying….

….can you really expect or demand that someone else sees only you 100% of the time without any smithereen of an interest in anyone else?

Who would you really be without the belief that you need that person’s attention, love, desire, commitment or vow?

Wow.

For me, the freedom was at first frightening. And then, incredible.

Natural. Soaring.

What if the thing that happened with someone else is an invitation to something even better, different?

What if you could find something brilliant in the experience, even of your own imagination moving towards someone else when you’re apparently in a committed relationship?

What if you used all this as exploration, curious development, wonder?

When I was in a committed relationship once, I watched myself get sparked by another (in horror and guilt some of the time, when I was believing the old relationship thoughts).

When I cut the control, stopped trying to hide it like it was a sin or something, I noticed the deep lack of integrity within my thinking….

….but also the joy in celebrating the beauty I saw.

For me, I brought the conversation very openly to my current partner, who I loved and adored, and as it turned out, we became closer than ever. The intimacy got deeper between us.

I mostly learned about myself and seduction, fun, romance, connection and all the variations it can take….sometimes unexpectedly.

What I noticed was I loved clarity, honesty, no secrets, including my own.

What if you were completely and totally free?

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is engaged in the process of trying to make everything okay….When you see the mind telling you how to fix the world and everyone in it in order to suit yourself, just don’t listen….free your energies so you can free yourself. Right in the midst of your daily life, by untethering yourself from the bondage of your psyche, you actually have the ability to steal freedom for your soul. This freedom is so great it has been given a special name–liberation.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re wanting to finding love, romance, sexuality, connecting, bonding, enmeshing, or break-ups….

….and the “problems” they’ve brought you to bring liberation instead….

….then join me in the 8 week teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality starting next week on Thursdays. 10 am Pacific/1:00 pm Eastern/6:00 pm UK. Click HERE to register or write grace@workwithgrace.com with questions.

Much love,

Grace

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He Shouldn’t Lean Away And Other Lies About Lovers

animals-fightingI was so excited and happy, full of anticipation.

I had been seeing a man who I thought was gorgeous, smart, clever and creative.

We had quite a few dates out, a few fancy dinners. We went to see some of the latest hip bands in cool downtown venues. We went to an art opening. We had a barbecue by the water during the luscious summer months, which turned into a bonfire on the beach late into the night, just the two of us talking.

Last night he had invited me to dinner on a Saturday.

At his house.

Hand clapping, beating heart. I liked where this was going!

I had spent the night.

This very morning, I had to get up super early and head for a previous commitment. But I had been giddy with attraction, slipping out his front door at dawn after whispering goodbye in his ear.

I felt like when you drink several cups of coffee.

Only much better.

Waves of the fun night before would wash through me. And now, it was evening on Sunday, after both of us had spent the day apart after our first night together.

I was on my way back to his house for a light supper of leftovers, he said, but an early night.

Yes….I really liked what was happening. This was fun, fun, fun.

Until.

As he opened that same front door that I had softly opened and closed about 12 hours earlier at the crack of dawn, I saw a strained look.

Oh. He didn’t embrace me, or even kiss me on the cheek.

I asked how his day was.

He said a few words, I followed him into his kitchen. He chatted a little. We went to the back patio to sit until the food was ready. He sat down on wrought iron chair that looked big enough for two, I sat right next to him, very close.

He leaned away, gazed off at the neighbor’s house. As in leaning *away*. Pretty obvious.

“That was kind of weird last night” he said. “I guess we’ve now experienced friends-with-benefits.”

Thunk.

What did he just say?

My heart dove.

Later, and very fortunately, I had The Work…

…so I could take this situation to inquiry.

Even though my head was screaming “How could I have gotten this so wrong? What an idiot I am,” and other thoughts all attacking me.

But have you ever noticed when you berate yourself, you’re missing very important clarity about what you actually think is true?

What I thought was true was I was being rejected.

It hurt.

I crunched down and really looked.

Who would I be without the belief that he should think any tiny little thing between us, including my specialness (or lack of specialness), should be any different?

Without the belief I was being rejected?

Without the belief it needed to go any differently?

I realized I would be filled with gratitude about our time together….

….and also move on to focus on other interesting men, other datable men, maybe men wanting more connection and conversation and time together than this one.

Nothing wrong with this particular man, at all. I could simply notice “oh…got it…” and have fun moving on with joyful anticipation.

Wow, what a relief to find this didn’t have to mean anything about me.

Ha ha!

The heavy weight from my heart lifted like a big hot air balloon floating into the sky.

“You’re the one who believes this lie that hurts so much. I hear from you that if you didn’t believe it, you’d be happy. And when you do believe it, you pry and demand. So how can your husband [or lover] be a problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it. And I love that it can change, too. But I’m a lover of realty just the way it is now.” ~ Byron Katie 

Turns out, I did move on to other brilliant datable men. What an adventure!

One of them, I married.

Because that was, and is, so fun for me.

If you’re stuck in painful stories about who you should, or should not, be attracted to….or who should, or should not, be attracted to you….

….then come join the fun in Our Wonderful Sexuality, the teleclass that begins January 22nd.

It’s safe. It’s honest. It’s a breath of fresh air for sure.

At least, it has been for me.

If teleclasses are not your style, just begin with identifying your troubling beliefs about getting hurt.

You may find some relief, or total liberation.

Much love,

Grace

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Waking Up Is Not Dictating What Others Should Do–Including The S Word

Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat in Oregon June 24-28 is open for registration. Sign up soon for the best accommodation choices by calling 503-854-3320.

It is awesome. We do The Work deeply on what disturbs our peace….there is nothing like awakening with yourself as your own teacher, questioning your stressful thoughts. And the location helps, too.

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Do you have rules about a partner's activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!
Do you have rules about a partner’s activities that scare you or make you mad? Inquiry can REALLY help!

“Do we have to share about our sex life, or lack of it?” she said with a nervous laugh.Not long ago someone wrote to me to say she was wondering about taking the upcoming Sexuality teleclass, but felt a little embarrassed.

It is SUCH a difficult topic.

Although, you could question that.

Isn’t it uncomfortable only because we’ve been very well trained to feel guilty, sad, jealous, unworthy, or frightened when it comes to sexual contact and sexuality?

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I feel attraction to “x”!

OMG! Something terrible will happen if I don’t feel attraction to “y”!

OMG! It is horrible when pairings change around and switch, or people sleep with one then another, or people leave long-time monogamous relationships!

OMG! I can’t say that out loud!

Really?

It’s weird all the rules and regulations people learn, often from adults ever since they are kids.

This over here is right. That over there is wrong.

It is such an incredible thing to question these “truths” or beliefs and take them to inquiry.

Just because you’re questioning them doesn’t mean all hell will break loose or you won’t have solid ground to stand on, don’t worry.

One of the biggest sources of pain is when people believe they should be with one person sexually or “in relationship”, and that same person has been with others!

I mean, people get really freaked out about this.

If you find yourself upset about a partner’s history, current desires, other relationships, or life outside of contact with you….

….you may want to inquire.

You may be making yourself completely crazy in where insanity is not necessary.

At all.

Here’s the general concept that flips people into the most whacked emotional states….and I can mention it, because that was me.

“That person should have no one but me as their partner, they should care about only me, they should sleep with only me, they should love only me in this special romantic partnered way.”

IS THAT TRUE?!?

Good lord, no.

What’s the reality of relationships?

I note that people throughout history are moving, going, coming, committing, ending, divorcing, breaking up. Since the beginning of humankind.

Apparently, Reality is that there are no hard and fast rules. Some are interested in one-to-one for many years, others like moving about.

What if there was really no “right” or “wrong”?

If this upsets you, why? What’s the danger?

And what WILL people think if you speak out loud anyway?

Seriously. Answer this question.

What is the actual problem with people not committing, or people having multiple relationships, or your partner choosing someone else, or talking about sex?

When I really looked at this with an open mind, I realized that the danger for me, when getting divorced, was that I was imagining I was worthy of being rejected, abandoned, or having a failed marriage.

It meant something about ME.

ME ME ME.

BAD BAD BAD.

But who would you be without the belief that the motions of other people, even that one you really love and adore, should be close to YOU ONLY?

“Part of waking up is that you live your life as you see fit. And understand: that is not selfish. The selfish thing is to demand that someone else live their life as YOU see fit. THAT’S selfish. It is not selfish to live your life as you see fit. The selfishness lies in demanding that someone else live their life to suit your tastes, or your pride, or your profit, or your pleasure. That is truly selfish….I no longer avoid you because of any negative feelings you create in me. You don’t have that power anymore.” ~ Anthony DeMello

Can you taste the freedom in allowing people to come and go as they please? The joy in you getting to do this, too?

And oh the freedom of speaking what you really want to say out loud. Of saying those words, those beliefs and thoughts that you’re thinking about what should or should not happen physically with others.

How could it be a good thing, that life shows up this way, with unknown couplings and unexpected attractions, with unplanned commitments and joyful long relationships?

How could it be awesome to talk about it?

When I felt the freedom available to me in divorce, in break ups, in losing all expectations for what relationships were supposed to look like….

….ahhhhh. Such wonder.

The fun, the discussions, the play, the exploration, the conversations! So wonderful, so intimate!

If you feel pain about any aspect of sexuality….ideas, loss, rules, difficulty, longing, fear, nervousness….

….you might love the upcoming Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting Thursday mornings 10-11:30 am Pacific time on January 22nd.

With respect for ourselves and every voice that wants to talk inside us, we write down our painful beliefs we tell ourselves about relationships, whether past, present or future….

….and free our minds.

Won’t you join me?

Much love,

Grace

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When You Question Your Thoughts About Sexuality…

Today is the last day of the 8 week teleclass I’ve been facilitating called Our Wonderful Sexuality.

It was a small class this time. It’s a funny class that way. People really want to investigate their thoughts about sex and sexuality, but then they hesitate, decide….nevermind.

A couple of people dropped out early on to go to individual sessions instead. They always do in this particular class.

“It’s too hard to do The Work on sexual stuff with other people…too embarrassing, I’ll do it by myself. I can’t talk about situations where people were naked, especially ME!”

But I love what is revealed for the brave souls who dare to do The Work on sex, moments involving attraction or encounters with others, whether uncomfortable or boring or frustrating or disgusting.

There is so much in the moments where sexual expression was possible, or actually happened, or is remembered…you can almost spend months and months just on looking at feelings of attraction, sexual encounters, your experience of sexuality…

….and learn a huge amount about yourself and your thoughts about relationships.

Even relationships that have nothing to do with sexual expression.

Really, in the end, the same kinds of objections appear in these moments as in many other moments with humans.

That person is coming on too strong, they don’t care about me, they aren’t interesting to me, they’re trying to control me, I want to feel good in that person’s presence but I don’t because they are too “x”, they are too pushy, they should ask me what I want, they should back off, they are too passive, I’ll get hurt, someone else will get hurt, we already got hurt.

These kinds of evaluations seem to be going on constantly in the middle of regular conversations and meetings with others, and then they also drone on in even the relationships with our beloved partners.

As we were all on the phone together at some point during the past two months, I remembered several moments where there were sparks happening between me and another person….

….and then the awareness of how often I had thought it was too much or not enough.

Hardly ever just right.

Kind of the same thoughts I had about food and eating that I mentioned in another Grace Note very recently.

So many objections! And never getting to the “just right”.

But who would you be, without the the belief that someone in the world who you felt sensual or sexual interest in should have been more or less of something?

Keep that situation in your mind, and put the pause button on it, and really sit with that image.

Who would you be without your story?

WITH the story, I’ve heard many inquirers do things like bolt, break off the relationship, chase after the relationship, ask for change, feel disappointed, try to change themselves.

Whew, it’s a ton of work!

Without the thought, there’s a natural and easy movement. The very first thing I find happening, is a return to being inside myself, to being with me. I’m connected completely with myself and enjoying the energy and joy of this other person with no expectations.

You may move away, you may stay present and keep the conversation going, you may get closer.

Without thought in that situation where something happens and you have a response, without judgment or criticism or “it should be different” you naturally move a certain direction….only you know which way is right for you.

I love the turnarounds most of all in these inquiries.

I am coming on too strong with my objections or my hesitations, I don’t care about myself, I am not interesting to ME, I’m trying to control them or control myself, it’s really OK to notice if I feel good or bad in someone’s presence and move where I need to, I am too “x”, they aren’t too pushy, I am too pushy, I should ask myself what I want, I should back off from all these judgments, I am too passive, I won’t get hurt unless I hurt myself, I’m getting healed (not hurt). 

I love not believing my thoughts about the people I see in my memories, in my mind, where I thought difficult encounters happened.

And I notice those scenes I’m replaying in my head are….movies.

They aren’t actually happening right now. They happened a long time ago.

As Byron Katie asks regularly…”are those people you are seeing in your mind images, or the actual people?”

Images of course. Never the actual people.

“When I hear people say that they love someone and want to be loved in return, I know they’re not talking about love. They’re talking about something else….Love joins everything, without condition. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare; it looks forward to it and then inquires. There is no way to join except to get free of your belief that you want something from your partner. That’s true joining.” ~ Byron Katie

This doesn’t mean I don’t ask for what I want, I am free to ask!

The answer is yes, or no, I move from there.

Now, after an enormous amount of wonderful work on wonderful sexuality, I notice I am in a beautiful, loving, exciting, fun, playful, joyful relationship with a man who I’m married to and we’ve been together six years, and it keeps getting better and better.

I never would have thought that possible.

Sure, there are moments of the old thoughts coming in, patterns, ideas, expectations….they simply can’t be taken very seriously.

They can’t be believed.

Thank God! Thank inquiry!

What

Would

Happen if God leaned down

And gave you a full wet

Kiss?

Hafiz

Doesn’t mind answering astronomical questions

Like that:

You would surely start

Reciting all day, inebriated,

Rogue-poems

Like

This.

~ Hafiz

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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If They’re Responsible For Your Pain, The “V” Word (Ouch)

Today we begin the class Our Wonderful Sexuality: doing The Work on the beliefs we have that create stress, loss, jealousy, pain, anger, sadness or lack of freedom in our lives.

There is room in the class. If you’ve been wanting to talk about sex, your ideas, the rules, your questions, your concerns, in a safe, clear environment….

….then join us right now. It’s awesome.

Just like the Money class that started Monday, I won’t be teaching it for quite awhile as my direction will be towards the exciting Year of Inquiry starting in September.

It’s yet another avenue for the deepest spiritual freedom, this hush-hush topic of sexuality. To be free to be yourself, whatever that looks and feels like, is deeply joyful.

But even without a class…you can start looking at this topic right now. I’ll share with you how you can start unraveling and changing your experience of love relationship and touch, and lightening up.

It starts with memories.

It’s the way you do it with anything you’re inquiring into, really, using The Work of Byron Katie.

A situation occurs….and then there is the memory of it. There is a reaction. Maybe right away, maybe in a few hours, maybe a few years later. The mind starts formulating what it meant, especially if it was painful. And putting it on replay.

Endless replay. Good grief. Can’t we just forget about that gross thing that happened? Or that disappointment?

The mind then projects quicker than lightening into the future that it never wants to experience this bad situation again.

When it comes to sexuality or sexual behavior, people sometimes have moments that are not that great, unfortunately.

What is supposed to be fun, adventurous, easy and loving is embarrassing, dark, addictive, sad, disappointing or violent.

If you’re ready to look closely, here’s what you can do.

First, make a list of your troubling memories.

That time you were ten and you learned…That time you were fifteen and the boy kissed you and then….That time you found out….That situation when you expected this but you got that….That time you were shocked and scared….That time she said this, and he did that…

Then pick only one situation that was particularly upsetting. Hold that situation clearly in your mind, and write down the answers to these questions (you can find the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet at www.thework.com):

  1. why were you upset?
  2. how do you want that person(s) who bothered you to change in that situation?
  3. what should have happened? what shouldn’t have happened?
  4. what did you need from that person in order to be happy, instead of upset?
  5. describe what you see when you look at that person or those people in that memory
  6. what do you never, ever want to have happen again in this situation?

When you carefully consider these questions, and answer them, you have in front of you, on paper, your objections, your discomfort, your resistance, your irritation.

Doing The Work on that situation doesn’t mean the experience changes, because it happened already.

But it does mean you may be able to discover a center of peace within yourself, no matter what happened to you in the past.

That’s a very, very valuable thing. Maybe the most valuable thing in life.

“Remember, if you close around something, you will be psychologically sensitive about that subject for the rest of your life. Because you stored it inside of you, you will be afraid that it will happen again. But if you relax instead of closing, it will work its way through you. If you stay open, the blocked energy inside of you will release naturally, and you will not take on any more.” ~ Michael Singer

The very act of doing The Work, walking slowly but surely through the four questions and finding turnarounds, is an act of courage and an intention to open your mind to great change.

To see what happened and feel resolved about it. So YOU can be happy.

It works, if you answer the four questions.

The most amazing troubled experiences can be put in their place forever….

….in the past.

They are over.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Ready to find freedom from your beliefs when it comes to physical contact with others? Need support in doing it?

Sign up to meet for 8 weeks. You’ll be glad you did.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Doing The Work on Love And Sex

Attraction to others. Lust. Craving. The lightening bolt zinger through the body. Thrill.

Everyone has felt this at some time in their lives past puberty, it’s a natural human adult experience.

And then, along with it, many people can start drowning in stressful beliefs, there are so many.

A woman once contacted me from another country and even though we were half way around the globe from each other, she was embarrassed and felt awkward talking about “that” feeling of attraction.

She had a partner, but she didn’t like the sexual contact she had with him. She found it unpleasant.

On top of that, she felt she couldn’t say this out loud, even though he could tell.

Yikes, that’s a rough place to be. Stuck not liking something that is all about pleasure and feeling ecstasy, and not being able to speak of this displeasure out loud.

What was she thinking?

  • he’s too aggressive
  • he never slows down
  • he’s too hungry
  • he shouldn’t be so easily pleased
  • he should try harder to please me
  • I need him to stop criticizing me
  • he shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about this

I had her picture that moment during sexual contact when she had these kinds of thoughts the strongest.

And then answer the questions.

Is it true? Is he really too much? Are you positive he’s doing it wrong? Or not capable of learning or adjusting or exploring? Is he really too fast? Or too embarrassed?

Um, no. I can’t know any of that is really true.

How do you react when you think he’s doing it wrong? That he should change?

Pissed. Dismissive. Critical. Mean. Hopeless. Uninterested.

Even though this woman was very dedicated to her upbringing (quite conservatively religious) she was so willing to sit and consider these questions, even though she was embarrassed to even talk about all of it in the first place.

I was really moved by her courage.

Who would you be without that thought? I asked her, and she was very quiet.

Who would you be, if you didn’t know anything about what was right or wrong or good or bad, you just felt what was the truth for you?

Back to a central presence. A joyful kind of noticing of all the crazy, fun, wonderful ways we all exchange energy. No grabby feeling, no upset feeling, just full and open.

Able to speak, ask questions, say yes, say no, say when it feels good, or feels bad, or ask for what interests the other person.

Feelings can go up, down, change, stop, go again.

Without the thought that this means anything about YOU, about HIM, about what is about to happen or what will happen again?

It’s so thrilling, it’s entering the mysterious unknown, right here in this moment.

Without your thoughts about sexuality and what that gesture meant, what that look says, what this touch means….you get to feel what’s happening without expectation….and just see where it goes.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • I’m too aggressive, with my thoughts and fears
  • I never slow down internally to allow things to be as they are
  • I’m too hungry
  • I shouldn’t be so easily pleased, and he should be
  • I should try harder to please me
  • I need me to stop criticizing him, I need to stop criticizing myself
  • I shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about this

“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear, it’s there it just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness, so what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and they look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically. So what we’re believing, our feelings are the effect of that.” ~ Byron Katie  

How is that person showing you something important, something really powerful for you, something you find so juicy, maybe difficult, but incredible to look at and learn?

It doesn’t mean you have to be sexual with him…but who would you be without your story?

Try it and see.

And for those who would LOVE to be in a small, private group doing The Work on sexuality, a new updated version of the 8-week teleclass begins soon Our Wonderful Sexuality.

July 30 – September 17, 2014 Wednesdays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific Time.  Click HERE to read more about it and to register. (Fee is $395 for 8 week telecourse).

See what keeps you from total ecstatic joy when it comes to sexual expression.

Much love, Grace

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Those Grabby Poly-Amory People

It was dark, raining, almost-freezing night with a light dusting of snow from the day before in people’s yards. I was driving from one caroling party, with lively songs, and beautiful voices, to a second party #2 which I knew almost nothing about except that a man I liked said I should come.

It was already about 10 pm, but I was wide awake and on this adventure. Even though parking and entering the big house was pretty scary for me, normally pretty quiet and shy.

Entering the house….I noticed string red lights and lots of darkness, and electronica type trance music.

Cut to 30 minutes later, with me LEAVING that party. I realized there was something going on with hook-ups or casual sex.

Those Poly-Amorous People. Gawd, what grabby hungry entertainment pleasure addicts!!

One of my favorite ways of discovering and unearthing my frightening thoughts has been to look in a very general way at my concerns or judgments against whole groups of people.

And then….once I see them all crowded around me, as if I was going to a big convention with Those People…I allow memories to surface as I ask myself WHY?

Oh yeah. That’s right. I could do The Work on Those People at that party.

First, I needed to identify what it was that I was actually believing that made me feel so uncomfortable.

What bothers me about them? What?

When we do this exercise in the YOI Group for a month….lots and lots of fascinating generalizations come out of the people participating.

Everyone identifies a LOT of interesting Whole Groups.

Like Nazi’s, drug sellers, con artists, the IRS, complainers, anti-Americans, animal abusers, gamblers, violent protesters, porn addicts, street gangs, pedophiles….

….what are yours?

But then, we’ve found it’s important to get specific. To dig in a little.

What does it mean, to be a member of one of these groups? And do I have a unique situation where I can examine more deeply what might have bothered me?

Oh do I have to? Can’t I just stay up here on the surface and be all critical and separate? It seems safer.

It’s not though.

Sigh.

What do Those People think, say, do or feel that I feel the most afraid of?

I see the scene from that party, a man leering in, looking like he’s starving and I am meat.

  • He wants to grab, consume, he can’t get enough, can’t stop, he demands
  • He doesn’t care what I think
  • He doesn’t care about me at all, unless I supply him with pleasure
  • He gets bored easily, he’s not interested in true intimacy
  • He’s addicted to merging

OK, good now to take a look at this deep separation, this judgment.

Is this true? Can I really know he thinks I’m meat?

I take a very deep breath. I’m realizing how angry I feel. I want to say “yes”.

Can I absolutely know that these things are true about him?

No. I don’t even KNOW this man. I had one interaction with him for literally 2 minutes.

I was bunching him into the box of THAT kind of guy. Those Men. But I really can’t know that he is what I am thinking about him.

Who would I be without the thought that he is grabby, doesn’t care about me, is an addict, isn’t interested in true intimacy (which I’m not even sure what that is) or that he can’t stop himself?

I’d probably laugh when he leaned in and said “let’s go upstairs!” And I don’t mean laugh with mocking….I mean laugh with surprise.

I’d think it was fascinating. Really? I could find out if I wanted to go upstairs…I don’t really know what it means now, do I?

Without these thoughts, I am free to go or stay or leave or do whatever I want or need at any moment. I could ask him more questions, ones that I would like to ask, like “why do you want to go upstairs?” or “what are your intentions?”

I turn all these thoughts around and discover myself, in all of them.

  • I want to grab, consume, I can’t get enough, can’t stop, I demand: yes, I’ve been this way with food, that’s for sure….my own form of pleasure and escape
  • I don’t care what I think: yes, I’ve made sure I’m nice when solicited, instead of direct and honest with NO
  • I don’t care about him at all, unless he supplies me with pleasure: yes, I would only have talked with him further if I had felt safe and pleased in his company 
  • I get bored easily, I’m not interested in true intimacy: well, I was outta there in minutes…I gave him no time at all, I was not interested in true intimacy
  • I’m addicted to merging: I wanted only to connect if it felt like we were simpatico, similar, amigos. Otherwise, I separated.

“Who would you be without the belief that those people should be civil and polite?…..Can you feel the pain of going through life dictating ‘they should this, they should that, they’d be better if’ and do it as if you KNOW, like ‘I’m the knower here!’ ” ~ Byron Katie

In the moment I think of Them as different, separate, wrong…uncomfortable to be around…

…maybe that’s a moment I am being invited to connect.

First, I make contact with myself and feel how happy I am being here, being me.

Then I connect with them as a human being, and perhaps I have something to say, perhaps I do not.

The feeling inside is compassion and clarity, not rage, or superiority.

All is well here, all is well.

Our Wonderful Sexuality begins in January on Tuesdays for 8 weeks. Join us if you feel burdened by these kinds of painful beliefs. You may find joyful freedom on the other side.

Love, Grace