Attraction to others. Lust. Craving. The lightening bolt zinger through the body. Thrill.
Everyone has felt this at some time in their lives past puberty, it’s a natural human adult experience.
And then, along with it, many people can start drowning in stressful beliefs, there are so many.
A woman once contacted me from another country and even though we were half way around the globe from each other, she was embarrassed and felt awkward talking about “that” feeling of attraction.
She had a partner, but she didn’t like the sexual contact she had with him. She found it unpleasant.
On top of that, she felt she couldn’t say this out loud, even though he could tell.
Yikes, that’s a rough place to be. Stuck not liking something that is all about pleasure and feeling ecstasy, and not being able to speak of this displeasure out loud.
What was she thinking?
- he’s too aggressive
- he never slows down
- he’s too hungry
- he shouldn’t be so easily pleased
- he should try harder to please me
- I need him to stop criticizing me
- he shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about this
I had her picture that moment during sexual contact when she had these kinds of thoughts the strongest.
And then answer the questions.
Is it true? Is he really too much? Are you positive he’s doing it wrong? Or not capable of learning or adjusting or exploring? Is he really too fast? Or too embarrassed?
Um, no. I can’t know any of that is really true.
How do you react when you think he’s doing it wrong? That he should change?
Pissed. Dismissive. Critical. Mean. Hopeless. Uninterested.
Even though this woman was very dedicated to her upbringing (quite conservatively religious) she was so willing to sit and consider these questions, even though she was embarrassed to even talk about all of it in the first place.
I was really moved by her courage.
Who would you be without that thought? I asked her, and she was very quiet.
Who would you be, if you didn’t know anything about what was right or wrong or good or bad, you just felt what was the truth for you?
Back to a central presence. A joyful kind of noticing of all the crazy, fun, wonderful ways we all exchange energy. No grabby feeling, no upset feeling, just full and open.
Able to speak, ask questions, say yes, say no, say when it feels good, or feels bad, or ask for what interests the other person.
Feelings can go up, down, change, stop, go again.
Without the thought that this means anything about YOU, about HIM, about what is about to happen or what will happen again?
It’s so thrilling, it’s entering the mysterious unknown, right here in this moment.
Without your thoughts about sexuality and what that gesture meant, what that look says, what this touch means….you get to feel what’s happening without expectation….and just see where it goes.
Turning the thoughts around:
- I’m too aggressive, with my thoughts and fears
- I never slow down internally to allow things to be as they are
- I’m too hungry
- I shouldn’t be so easily pleased, and he should be
- I should try harder to please me
- I need me to stop criticizing him, I need to stop criticizing myself
- I shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about this
“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear, it’s there it just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness, so what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and they look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically. So what we’re believing, our feelings are the effect of that.” ~ Byron Katie
How is that person showing you something important, something really powerful for you, something you find so juicy, maybe difficult, but incredible to look at and learn?
It doesn’t mean you have to be sexual with him…but who would you be without your story?
Try it and see.
And for those who would LOVE to be in a small, private group doing The Work on sexuality, a new updated version of the 8-week teleclass begins soon Our Wonderful Sexuality.
July 30 – September 17, 2014 Wednesdays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE to read more about it and to register. (Fee is $395 for 8 week telecourse).
See what keeps you from total ecstatic joy when it comes to sexual expression.
Much love, Grace