Tag: sexuality

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Throw Away Holiness, Wisdom, Morality and Justice

The first time I offered a teleclass for people wanting to do The Work on Sexuality (the next one starts on Mondays 10/21 by the way) I had lots of tentative but hopeful emails.

People asked questions like “Will it really be OK to share my judgments with perfect strangers?” or “What will we be discussing exactly?” or “I want to work on this with my husband…but it feels too private to talk about”.

Doing The Work on any judgment is difficult. Add sexual contact to the mix and its even harder.

But I’ve heard incredible work, right up on stage with hundreds of people in the audience, from courageous inquirers who sat with Byron Katie and looked at their troubling beliefs about sexual expression.

If you’re like me, you may have been raised in a family and culture in which we don’t talk about anything having to do with sex, except maybe in whispers with someone you really trust.

I don’t know about you….but not being able to even say a word that had to do with sex was pretty stressful….since it seemed like a lot of people might bethinking about it.

I love having every life situation be available for investigation with inquiry.

Even that moment when you were wondering, feeling, imagining, fantastizing something frightening or something pleasant.

The interesting thing about sexuality is that it really isn’t that different from any other topic when it comes to inquiring into the moment that brings on stress.

It’s a wonderful venue for asking questions about attraction, rejection, saying yes, saying no, noticing what you desire or find repulsive….

….the very same kinds of questions we experience every day when it comes to pleasure, desire, needing, wanting, love, food, money, friendship, work, hunger, thirst.

A thought comes along, then an impulse to do something, get something.

If it’s all beautiful and peaceful and loving, then you know it. It all feels good, and kind.

But sometimes those impulses or thoughts feel like commands or orders.

I MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, NOW.

The first step is to bring to mind a situation that felt worrisome, annoying, where you felt mixed up or nervous, bad about your attraction or someone else’s attraction….that’s the stressful situation.

I have one in mind.

While this situation is not uncommon and it appears to be alive since humans existed….it is nevertheless a source of great judgment and angst.

I felt attraction towards someone while being clearly and solidly in a committed relationship with someone else.

It was like I was committing a sin deserving of crushing punishment.

Why couldn’t I just be happy with my primary partner?

I thought all kinds of terrible, frightening thoughts:

  • if my partner knew I was attracted to someone else, he would be sad, disappointed, rejected
  • if this came out into the open, my life would change for the worse
  • this means I’m not monogamous, or happy
  • this means I’m sick, out of control, stupid, ignorant and could ruin my life based on physical attraction which means nothing in the long run
  • if my friends knew about this, they would lump me together with the “wrong” people like those affair-having people
  • people who act on their physical desires are not wise

Oh boy. Lots of very shaming thoughts.

Very good for inquiry.

Is it true that feeling physical attraction for another human MEANS that you’re unwise, being risky, hurting someone, sick, stupid, ignorant, creating disappointment, or wrong?

I mean, did I make that feeling of attraction arise?

This is really wonderful to consider.

I often thought that if I had a difficult feeling then I needed to fix it. Or act on it.

Do something. Satisfy it, change it, eliminate it.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t be attracted to someone, or that other people shouldn’t be attracted to whomever they are actually attracted to?

I protest. I feel fear. It feels like secrets are on the loose. My attractions, other peoples’ attractions…all dangerous. They could pop up at any moment, unexpectedly! Yikes!

How do I react when I believe that attraction needs to be controlled, that its wild and unruly and damaging is that I suppress it, keep it to myself….or I get afraid of it arising in other people?

They’ll go crazy if they get attracted…to other people or to me! It will be like Romeo and Juliet, destructive, sad, horrible, too much, painful.

People kill themselves over this stuff.

So who would I be if I didn’t believe the thoughts that having a feeling of attraction means I’m wrong, or anyone else is wrong?

Without the feeling that it needs to be satisfied, or acted on, or deleted, or fixed?

What if its just there, a feeling of great pleasure, washing through the mind, flowing through the body?

Without the thought that there’s anything wrong with having a feeling of attraction, I notice there is no need for secrets, no need to keep it locked down.

I’m enjoying myself. No need to act.

I notice attraction comes and goes and is never static.

I notice attraction has no concern for what the mind things it “should” feel attraction for.

Without the thought that feeling attraction is bad, I feel free. My heart feels joyful.

And I notice beyond all identity, I have no idea what I am, because there is an alive attraction for so many beautiful people of all ages, sizes, genders.

When I turn the thought around I find how true it is that an attraction I feel is good, and right.

And so is that other person’s attraction, whether directed towards me or directed towards someone else.

Good that all the waves of appreciation, attraction, pleasure are flying through the universe.

  • if my partner knew I was attracted to someone else, he would be happy, encouraged, interested
  • if this came out into the open, my life would change for the best
  • this doesn’t mean I’m not monogamous, or happy
  • this means I’m healthy, in control, brilliant, wise and could expand my life based on physical attraction
  • if my friends knew about this, they’d have their opinions
  • when I act on my physical desire, it is not wise

“You’re having sex with him in your mind and thinking how terrible [or how good] that is. You tell the story, over and over, of what it’s like having sex with your husband. That story is what’s repelling you, not your husband. Sex without a story has never repelled anyone. It just is what it is. You’re having sex or you’re not. It’s our thoughts about sex that repel us.” ~ Byron Katie 

Not having a nervous reaction about a feeling of sexual attraction, not going into fantasies or hallucinations, not using thoughts to repel or attract myself, or make myself wrong or right?

Oh, how lovely. How peaceful. How exciting!

What if you are OK, just the way you are, with your attraction, wondering, curiosity, watching, noticing, being, allowing?

What if you can trust who you are at the core?

“Throw away holiness and wisdom, and people will be a hundred times happier. Throw away morality and justice, and people will do the right thing. Throw away industry and profit and there won’t be any thieves. If these aren’t enough, just stay at the center of the circle and let all things take their course.” ~ Tao Te Ching #19

The teleclass our Wonderful Sexuality begins Monday, Oct. 21st and I am taking registrations for both 8 am and 5:15 pm Pacific time. Maybe only one of those times will be when the class actually meets, so write and let me know which one you’d prefer.

Much love, Grace

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Mentioning The Unmentionable

I’m switching the Our Wonderful Sexuality to 5:15-6:45 pm on Mondays, starting October 21st, since many of you are interested but couldn’t take the class at the 8 am Pacific time.

Speaking of sexuality…..eewww.

Do we have to?

It’s quite startling how this topic, which touches everyone alive really, has a sort-of weird undercover secretive cloud hanging over it.

At least for me, growing up we weren’t really supposed to talk about it. You weren’t supposed to ask too many questions or share too many stories.

The unmentionable subject.

Even though everyone’s interested in it.

Sexuality is a vulnerable, intimate life experience with a huge variety of norms and interests and attractions or repulsions for humans.

When it feels like freedom, there is usually very little stress involved…..the feeling inside is comfortable, perhaps thrilled, positive, genuine, creative, safe, joyful and loving.

But often, there are indeed stressful thoughts.

When I began dating after fifteen years in a monogamous relationship, many thoughts and feelings that had existed below the surface (or that I stuffed under the surface) came exploding out into the light of day.

Just meeting with someone for a date seemed to create fear…but also excitement, anticipation and eagerness for connection.

But what was that fear part?

The way to put words to the fear, and see it more clearly, is to identify a painful situation, a difficult or troubling moment, that you have actually experienced.

No, this does not have to be rape, incest, violence, affairs…..although if you’ve had these kinds of experiences, they are amazing situations for questioning your beliefs, and your inquiry can open you to your present power.

The situation you may notice discomfort around, that involves sexuality or sexual contact or implying something sexual, may be something completely low key, small, a minor communication or even a “look” from someone.

That’s your situation. You may have many. Pick just one.

I remember noticing a man who to me was very attractive. I knew he was going to be at a birthday party I was attending. I didn’t know him very well.

At the party, right when I arrived, he looked super happy and dropped his current conversation, took my hand as I approached, put his hand on my back, and led me to a far corner of the room.

This was great at first. But then some comments arose in the conversation. The whole connection became sort of, well, CRAZY STRESSFUL for me.

  • he is pushing too hard for sex in this conversation
  • he wants sex NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately
  • he’s creepy
  • I need to escape
  • I can’t trust my attractions, this man is a jerk (rats)
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but he seems to think it’s Number 1
  • he wouldn’t be talking with me if he wasn’t attracted to me, so he cares only about the sexual attraction
  • he’s too aggressive, demanding, wants too much, too quickly

Similar kinds of thoughts can enter into a long-term relationship with someone you care about, know well, or even live with….maybe with more subtle language or different wording.

Maybe your stressful thoughts are around being bored, doing the same thing all the time, feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, different, better, less.

Or right in the middle of a sexual encounter…maybe your thoughts are full of what should or shouldn’t be happening, what you long for, what you miss, or what just happened a split second ago that you didn’t like.

Once you identify these thoughts, you can take them to inquiry.

I loved having a facilitator who I was so comfortable with when I started doing The Work very earnestly, I knew she didn’t reject me for having such thoughts….or for using words that described sexual body parts or sexual terms like “orgasm”.

OK, I said it.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that it’s embarrassing, shameful, or weird to talk about sexual encounters with people?

Yeah! Of course it’s embarrassing! This is private, personal information!

Are you positive that speaking of your ideas, concerns and feelings about sexuality it is worthy of shame?

And is what you are concerned about actually true?

Damn straight it’s true!

He IS too aggressive, he IS making too many sexual comments.

Is it absolutely true? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No. I actually don’t really know. I haven’t asked what he means, or what he wants, or what he’s thinking. At all.

When I believe all the thoughts I think, and then also, think it’s wrong to bring them up (or dangerous) then I’m trapped in a loop.

VERY STRESSFUL.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you should be ashamed of yourself? Or that he is being too pushy, or that you need to escape?

I’m no longer frozen. I say “this is not really doing it for me, I don’t feel comfortable…when you just said that, did that, looked that way, I felt afraid.”

Without the belief that I shouldn’t talk about sexuality, I talk about it.

I look at the turnarounds, oh boy:

  • I am pushing too hard for no-sex in this conversation
  • I want connection NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately on MY TERMS
  • I’m creepy – I have my demand, secret desires, beliefs, wants that I’m not sharing and I’m also super judgmental
  • I need to stay right here and be truthful
  • I can trust my attractions, this man is interesting, and my attractions morph and change
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but I seem to think it’s Number 1
  • I wouldn’t be talking with him if I wasn’t attracted to him, so I care only about the sexual attraction
  • I’m too aggressive, demanding, want too much, too quickly – yes, look how I boss him around in my mind with my expectations

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done.This doesn’t mean that you have to invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

When I begin to speak up, say what I think, ask questions when I have them, say what I’m assuming, ask for what I want….

…in the spirit of love and kindness, laughter arises.

And great freedom.

No need to defend, protect myself, worry.

Even in this sensitive topic of sexuality….fun, play, ease.

Join the class in October if you’d like to examine some of the little (or big) stressful thoughts about sexual expression, an important sexual relationship you’re in, or past uncomfortable experiences.

“Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

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Getting Personal–Questioning Beliefs About Sexuality

I have heard from so many people about their reflections on their relationship with money. Thank you all for writing and sharing with me, seriously. It’s fascinating!

What about that other pesky topic that is unmentionable, when it really gets down to sharing the “facts”.

Sexuality, lovers, being physical, touch, making contact with other humans, attraction.

When I was single for several years after a 16 year marriage, it was the weirdest thing to suddenly become aware of all the fears, worries, doubts, misunderstandings, desires, wants, panic and confusion around attraction, dating, expectations, saying yes or saying no to others.

The whole entire arena of sexuality appeared unsafe, and rather dramatic.

Attraction isn’t to be trusted! Bad things happen…just look at Romeo and Juliet, Helena of Troy, Bill Clinton, relationships ending or changing forever. People killing themselves over all this!

People go nuts, they lose their minds, they make stupid decisions, they get irrational, they get addicted to pleasure.

I was one of them.

Even though it felt really difficult, I began to find great wonder in investigation of any belief that appeared that was uncomfortable around pleasure, attraction, interest, noticing others, and communicating with people to tell them what I was thinking.

I discovered that there were some very painful beliefs I held from my far distant past, learned in childhood, about sexuality. Beliefs agreed upon in my culture.

I had never bothered to question them.

All I knew before inquiry is that I felt really nervous in romantic encounters, not very grounded, worried about taking care of myself, worried about the other person and their intentions or lack of intentions.

One of the simplest but most uncomfortable set of thoughts that I had was “this is right, and that is wrong.” 

There was a list for both sides.

Here is when being sexual is right…and over here is when being sexual is wrong. Lots of people agree on the lists, depending on where you live or what your cultural conditioning has been.

It seemed at the time that I believed practically 100% that relationships, attraction and sexuality and what these offered were fun, but also danger zones because people (and I) could do something on the “wrong” list….and then someone would be hurt!

It’s true, it’s true! People get so hurt! People cry, gnash their teeth, feel unrequited love, feel obsessive, feel rejected, lose their rational mind, are full of wanting, regret, grabby, demanding, despairing!

I did The Work on men, dating, sex, attraction, stalking, desiring, saying yes, saying no.

I did The Work on the worst situations I had ever heard about, whatever caused me internal sadness or pain or fear; violence connected with sex, children being abused, pornography, hyper-sexuality, insatiable people, addictive sexuality, neediness, religious control around sexuality.

I noticed that many of the stories I had heard, the things people warned about, or the actual events I had encountered, shaped my life as a sexual being….without even knowing it.

Question Four in The Work during self-inquiry is: Who would you be without this thought? Who would you be without your story, in this situation?

When I answered this question in The Work on sexual behavior and beliefs, I felt the unknown mystery, emptiness.

No rules, no dogma, no right, no wrong.

A slowness, a caring. No compulsive urge. No neediness. No demanding. People could come or go, be attracted or not, say yes or say no.

When I answered who I would be, as a dating woman interested in men, without my stories about wrong and right…I didn’t shut down, get so scared.

I didn’t know the answers, and I trusted my internal NO or YES much quicker.

More freedom, more curiosity.

More awareness of something entirely beyond the human body, beyond sensual pleasure, or feelings.

“As long as the conditioned mind operates and you are completely identified with it, there’s no true love. There may be substitutes, things that are called “love” but are not true love…..The important thing is that true love emanates from the timeless, non-formal dimension of who you are…….complete identification with form is ego.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Finding out what you really believe in any given moment or situation with someone….about sexual contact, attraction, feelings, desire….and then inquiring into these troubling or opposing beliefs, can make the world a most amazing, interesting place.

It calmed down my feelings of intensity, relaxed thoughts that said “I have to!” or “he should!”

Everything became much softer, and yet, for me, more sweet and powerful all at once.

But wait!

Back to the drama! I must have a big theatrical wild sensational orgasmic feelings! There must be roller coasters and chaos and desperation and an exciting story!

Not.

Back to self-inquiry, back to investigation, to understanding, to forgiveness, awareness.

Sexuality, like all other areas of inquiry, has been like a pendulum swinging.

At first, very wide big far-reaching swings, believing my thoughts, having a hissy fit reaction to what people did or said.

And then the more inquiry, the less the pendulum swings. The more relaxation.

“Freedom is not necessarily exciting; it’s just free. Very peaceful and quiet, so very quiet. Of course, it is also filled with joy and wonder, but it is not what you imagine. It is much, much less.” ~ Adyashanti 

If you notice stressful beliefs about dating, your lover(s), your spouse, expectations around sexuality, physical touch….whether you are single and alone, or partnered for many years…and you want focused time to identify your beliefs and question them, then join us on Fridays, starting next week.

We make a sacred, honorable, confidential space to write our judgments down and take them to inquiry, all via teleconference calls.

Just audio, not video. Freedom to speak what you think, and inquire.

Who would you be without your story that sexuality or attraction, or what happend to you in the past, or the dangers of sexuality, or lackof sexuality, is a problem?

I love continuing to find out.

Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.

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Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach

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Money and Sexuality Teleclasses Start Next Week

Next week two teleclasses begin: One on Money and many threads that relate to Money and the opposing or uncomfortable beliefs we have about it.

The other on Sexuality and all those thoughts that are most nerve-wracking or frightening or frustrating about THAT topic.

If you’re interested in either one click over to the teleclasses page. You can click on any teleclass page to read all about it.

Both Money and Sexuality are considered very sensitive issues. As in, so sensitive, you may not want to discuss them. Or hear other people discuss them.

It’s like there are certain codes socially that we may find ourselves automatically following, without even questioning whether they are true:

  • never say how much money you make to anyone, especially close friends or family
  • don’t talk about your attractions to other people, it causes trouble
  • don’t ask questions about sexuality, or express concerns—you’ll be embarrassed
  • if you’ve ever owed a lot of money, make sure to keep a lid on that information (people will judge you as a loser)
  • if you’ve ever had a difficult or violent sexual encounter, don’t tell anyone
  • if you’ve been in a troubling financial or sexual situation, there might be something wrong with you
  • don’t do business with friends or family, people get upset and it could ruin the relationship for life
  • if you make a lot of money or enjoy a lot of physical pleasure, people will get jealous, criticize you, feel envious, or think you are undeserving….so keep that under wraps
  • don’t talk about the details of your sexual encounters! Ewww!

I notice that people feel pretty nervous sometimes when we all gather together to identify our most troubling beliefs about Money, Work and Business OR Sexuality.

There are so many assumptions to move through, just to even be able to say your beliefs about these topics out loud! Yikes!

But as someone said recently….it’s so worth it.

Step Number One of The Work is seeing what you’re believing under the surface. These are the thoughts that you think, based on your past experience, that color how you look at your relationship with money, at how you feel about sexual feelings, attractive people, desire, or acquiring things with money, selling things, receiving money, earning money.

Step One is identifying your most upsetting beliefs. Good news: it’s not very difficult to find them.

They are there, often right in front of us in our heads (and felt in our bodies) when we have a stressful experience around one of these topics.

Something happens, and we feel worried, frustrated, anxious.

Our minds start running. These stressful thoughts are the petty, childish, embarrassing, judgmental, bitter, critical, mean, defensive, angry thoughts that are all there anyway, hanging back in the shadows.

They come out when we think we’re in danger, or threatened, or afraid that some past experience will repeat itself.

One of my most favorite discoveries in my life has been the numerous times I’ve found that telling the whole truth, asking all my questions, exposing my inner thoughts….has led to enormous freedom.

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t talk about money or sex, for the danger of other people judging you, or other people behaving with uncertainty, or other people being upset, or feeling rejected?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to be quiet on these topics?

I found that when I didn’t force myself to keep thoughts about money or sexuality hidden, when I wasn’t frightened of my own thinking…..then I could use the thoughts, the issues, the beliefs I have had about these topics to become enlightened.

These areas of life offered amazing areas of investigation, for me to find out what was really true for me, to feel the peace and unconditional love available to anyone.

Who would you be without the thought that you have to hide, avoid, push away, or destroy your thinking or memories around these subjects?

You may find it’s safe to talk about them and investigate them, and a weight that has been on your mind (or physically on your body) becomes much lighter.

You may find that in your investigation and in your safety that other areas of your life, that have nothing to do with money or sexuality, become more clear, loving, and easy.

“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear…..it’s there, it’s just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness. So what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically.” ~ Byron Katie 

Finding out what you’re thinking about money or sexuality, for me, has been finding out what I fear and what I love.

What turns me on, or turns me off…with working, loving, spending, giving, receiving, being, conversing, connecting…finding out what I am believing is an amazing journey!

Come join other inquirers in exploring your thoughts and beliefs, what you have learned, observed, repeated to yourself, worried about, feared…..and see what can happen.

You may be surprised.

Who would you be without your stories around money, attraction, promotion, receiving, giving?

Who would you be if you felt joy, happiness, simplicity, love, health and ease with money or with sexuality?

“Not-knowing is true knowledge. Presuming to know is a disease. First realize that you are sick; then you can move toward health. The Master is her own physician. She has healed herself of all knowing. Thus she is truly whole.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71 

Money Teleclass: July 11-Aug 29, 5:15-6:45 pm PT, 8 weeks
Sexuality Teleclass: July 12-Aug 30, Noon-1:30 pm PT, 8 weeks

Freedom To Speak
“Thanks to all of you for such a wonderful teleclass and the freedom to speak about sex as if I was talking about a nose or arm, how cool that we have this time together…and thank you Grace for having the foresight to bring this topic to the open space of presence for us to question it.” ~ Tanya, teleclass participant

Marketing Became Easy 
“Through Grace and her class, I confronted my issues with marketing my business with patience, ease and self-compassion. She helped me open up to all my fears and depression over this issue and move beyond that without pressure and impatience. I learned so much from this course. I highly recommend it. It helped me understand that real freedom is not a how-to-do-it job. It is through being with myself as I am that I can find all the love and enthusiasm I relish from life. Results came out of who I was being, not in doing it “right” or through effort.”- Ben, teleclass participant

Love, Grace

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I Get Mail About My Intimacy Class

You’ll notice I didn’t use the words, “sexuality class” in the subject line. That’s because the spam filters will sometimes block e-mails with those kinds of “bad” titles and nasty words. The word “intimate” is more innocuous and acceptable.

And speaking of THAT CLASS…here’s a note from a guy who’s taken it before. It sums up what I like so much about this amazing class (which is starting on Tuesday at 6:30 Pacific time).

————-

Hi Grace,

Here’s why I’m taking your sexuality teleclasses again.

For one thing, I just like being in a class that I’ve committed to, because I know how sneaky my mind can be.

By being in the class, I’m doing what I really WANT, instead of believing it when my mind says, “I don’t have time,” or, “I don’t want to bother with this today…another day would definitely be better.”

And I’m amazed how often I think these thoughts just before doing The Work…as my mind looks for an escape hatch…but afterward I’m so grateful…and this happens time after time after time.

Another reason is that doing The Work in a group continues to diffuse the charge on ALL the sexual topics…hearing “the words” said out loud and hearing other people saying my exact same thoughts.

I feel my body relax when I hear other talk about how they react (Question 3) and it reminds me of places in me I hadn’t thought of, or that I was trying to keep at bay and under wraps.

Actually, I’ve thought about it a lot…that what we share and drop into in just a few minutes on these teleclasses, is what used to take me years…of getting to know someone…and then sending out feelers for a while to see if it’s safe…and only THEN getting to the stuff I protect and keep in the deep dark recesses of my hidden mind.

And during the classes, I continue to progressively relax and it seems to get even better as the weeks go by and we “break the ice”…the people become friends after we’ve all had the guts to actually SAY what (awful, horrible, despicable) things really go on in our heads instead of trying to look good or hide.

It’s such a relief.

And I see myself just being more open and hiding less in my daily life with “ordinary” people (who seem to be getting nicer, more open, smarter, friendlier, and more receptive).

Also, I have two friends from a teleclass about 2 years ago, and we’ve continued to do The Work almost every week since then. Our trust level has deepened and we’ve learned about each other’s lives and offer quick e-mails of support and sharing during the week. That was another gift I never planned on.

But it isn’t just sexuality issues that have changed. I feel better about my body, the way it works, the way it responds, and have dropped judgments that I wasn’t aware of until I realize they’re just not there anymore…harsh judgments of both others and myself.

I also notice how the “sexuality issues” are almost never really about sexuality…it’s about expectations, needing and wanting approval, anxiety relief, believing how other people

SHOULD be, how I should feel…the usual suspects!

One specific example I loved seeing during the last session was thinking back to being with my partner and wanting her to initiate sex…but of course, I didn’t say anything that night, I was just lying in bed, facing the other direction, arms crossed, pissed, resentful, pouting, and stubborn as a mule.

And when she unexpectedly started moving toward me, both emotionally and sexually, I was so far down the road of resentment that I said I didn’t want to! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

But now, I can just laugh and be kind to myself in seeing how I was innocent and didn’t have the tools at the time…instead of bringing out the hair shirt and whip to punish myself for yet ANOTHER emotionally stunted response.

Day by day, I’m gentler with myself.

Another thing I’m grateful for is a great friend who’s a straight guy who DOESN’T do The Work…yet our relationship has deepened so much since doing the first sexuality class.

Now I tell him all about what I’m noticing and we talk about all sorts of sexuality issues. I’ve never had another man to talk to on this level of intimacy.

Frankly, we’re both astonished, yet it seems so normal and ordinary…another unexpected, precious gift.

Sometimes I try to figure out what it is that makes The Work, actually work. My best “analysis” is it’s a combination of opening and shining light on our hidden world, catharsis, intellectual understanding, sharing in the presence of another, honesty, truth, actually feeling our bodies and emotions, seeing our thoughts and images as just thoughts and images, educating our minds, learning to love each other and ourselves.

In other words, all of the above and a bunch of other things I’m sure I don’t notice. But really, I don’t really know or need to know I just keep doing it and noticing.

So thanks for doing what you’re doing with these classes…and how you share yourself too, just like the example in your “Grace-Notes” e-mail about the strip club a couple days ago. That was revealing and pretty funny!

We’re ALL so funny…weird and wonderful.

Much love,

Jack

I loved this letter, so thorough, so thoughtful. If you’re wanting to join a group, we’ve got the Sexuality class starting on Tuesday…then All About Earning Money–Money, Work, and Business starting Feb. 4th, and Relationships starting at the end of March.

We’ve got a fantastic co-facilitated in-person workshop at the end of June, only 4 months away, on the body. Food, eating, embarrassment, aging, our appearance, aches and pains. All of these are pathways to awareness! Come do The Work!

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach