I’m switching the Our Wonderful Sexuality to 5:15-6:45 pm on Mondays, starting October 21st, since many of you are interested but couldn’t take the class at the 8 am Pacific time.
Speaking of sexuality…..eewww.
Do we have to?
It’s quite startling how this topic, which touches everyone alive really, has a sort-of weird undercover secretive cloud hanging over it.
At least for me, growing up we weren’t really supposed to talk about it. You weren’t supposed to ask too many questions or share too many stories.
The unmentionable subject.
Even though everyone’s interested in it.
Sexuality is a vulnerable, intimate life experience with a huge variety of norms and interests and attractions or repulsions for humans.
When it feels like freedom, there is usually very little stress involved…..the feeling inside is comfortable, perhaps thrilled, positive, genuine, creative, safe, joyful and loving.
But often, there are indeed stressful thoughts.
When I began dating after fifteen years in a monogamous relationship, many thoughts and feelings that had existed below the surface (or that I stuffed under the surface) came exploding out into the light of day.
Just meeting with someone for a date seemed to create fear…but also excitement, anticipation and eagerness for connection.
But what was that fear part?
The way to put words to the fear, and see it more clearly, is to identify a painful situation, a difficult or troubling moment, that you have actually experienced.
No, this does not have to be rape, incest, violence, affairs…..although if you’ve had these kinds of experiences, they are amazing situations for questioning your beliefs, and your inquiry can open you to your present power.
The situation you may notice discomfort around, that involves sexuality or sexual contact or implying something sexual, may be something completely low key, small, a minor communication or even a “look” from someone.
That’s your situation. You may have many. Pick just one.
I remember noticing a man who to me was very attractive. I knew he was going to be at a birthday party I was attending. I didn’t know him very well.
At the party, right when I arrived, he looked super happy and dropped his current conversation, took my hand as I approached, put his hand on my back, and led me to a far corner of the room.
This was great at first. But then some comments arose in the conversation. The whole connection became sort of, well, CRAZY STRESSFUL for me.
- he is pushing too hard for sex in this conversation
- he wants sex NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately
- he’s creepy
- I need to escape
- I can’t trust my attractions, this man is a jerk (rats)
- there’s a lot more to life than sex, but he seems to think it’s Number 1
- he wouldn’t be talking with me if he wasn’t attracted to me, so he cares only about the sexual attraction
- he’s too aggressive, demanding, wants too much, too quickly
Similar kinds of thoughts can enter into a long-term relationship with someone you care about, know well, or even live with….maybe with more subtle language or different wording.
Maybe your stressful thoughts are around being bored, doing the same thing all the time, feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, different, better, less.
Or right in the middle of a sexual encounter…maybe your thoughts are full of what should or shouldn’t be happening, what you long for, what you miss, or what just happened a split second ago that you didn’t like.
Once you identify these thoughts, you can take them to inquiry.
I loved having a facilitator who I was so comfortable with when I started doing The Work very earnestly, I knew she didn’t reject me for having such thoughts….or for using words that described sexual body parts or sexual terms like “orgasm”.
OK, I said it.
Let’s do The Work.
Is it true that it’s embarrassing, shameful, or weird to talk about sexual encounters with people?
Yeah! Of course it’s embarrassing! This is private, personal information!
Are you positive that speaking of your ideas, concerns and feelings about sexuality it is worthy of shame?
And is what you are concerned about actually true?
Damn straight it’s true!
He IS too aggressive, he IS making too many sexual comments.
Is it absolutely true? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?
No. I actually don’t really know. I haven’t asked what he means, or what he wants, or what he’s thinking. At all.
When I believe all the thoughts I think, and then also, think it’s wrong to bring them up (or dangerous) then I’m trapped in a loop.
VERY STRESSFUL.
Who would you be without the thoughts that you should be ashamed of yourself? Or that he is being too pushy, or that you need to escape?
I’m no longer frozen. I say “this is not really doing it for me, I don’t feel comfortable…when you just said that, did that, looked that way, I felt afraid.”
Without the belief that I shouldn’t talk about sexuality, I talk about it.
I look at the turnarounds, oh boy:
- I am pushing too hard for no-sex in this conversation
- I want connection NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately on MY TERMS
- I’m creepy – I have my demand, secret desires, beliefs, wants that I’m not sharing and I’m also super judgmental
- I need to stay right here and be truthful
- I can trust my attractions, this man is interesting, and my attractions morph and change
- there’s a lot more to life than sex, but I seem to think it’s Number 1
- I wouldn’t be talking with him if I wasn’t attracted to him, so I care only about the sexual attraction
- I’m too aggressive, demanding, want too much, too quickly – yes, look how I boss him around in my mind with my expectations
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done.This doesn’t mean that you have to invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
When I begin to speak up, say what I think, ask questions when I have them, say what I’m assuming, ask for what I want….
…in the spirit of love and kindness, laughter arises.
And great freedom.
No need to defend, protect myself, worry.
Even in this sensitive topic of sexuality….fun, play, ease.
Join the class in October if you’d like to examine some of the little (or big) stressful thoughts about sexual expression, an important sexual relationship you’re in, or past uncomfortable experiences.
“Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Much Love, Grace