Where I live, it’s the shortest day of the year and the longest night.
Something cranks to a slower, slower, slower pace….
….and like a huge gigantic ball rolling, it comes to a pause.
Then, time to turn back again the other way.
The atmosphere is dark in the morning, dark at night. Lights are hung all about in the city, some people going a little more crazy than others.
OK, a lot more crazy. (Have you seen the house on such-and-such street with a scene so bright you’ll need sunglasses?)
I was going to write about jealousy today, because when I get at least three people writing me letters about a topic, and what to do about it, I know it’s time to visit that story.
But for the weekend, I give you this poem for now. Because it fits so well with the celebration of light, dark, returning, going away, moving in, moving out.
Maybe jealousy fits into all this as well.
Jealousy on Monday. OK?
Meanwhile…..in celebration of what is dark, remember this.
If you have the thought “it’s too dark” or “I want more light”….
….notice the turnarounds. Notice who you would be without the belief it should be brighter than it actually is in this moment.
Can you find an important reason it shouldn’t?
I can.
Out of the darkest seasons in my heart, like the death of a friend, addiction, cancer, father dying, a broken heart, change, house lost, money lost, neglect, sadness, grief, unhappiness….
….came the most exquisite light.
Totally unexpected. A surprise. Little things, little examples. Big examples. Freedom from control. Freedom from sleep. Awareness of this precious moment, right now.
See if you can also find benefits or advantages for why that darkness occurred in your life in the past.
It doesn’t mean you have to like it, not at all.
It’s only noticing the freedom when you question that it was a complete tragedy, something to fear, something to resist.
“When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you. Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. There you can be sure you are not beyond love. The dark will be your womb tonight. The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in. Give up on all other worlds except the one to which you belong. Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. ” ~ David Whyte
Recently I received an email letter from someone that is not uncommon.
She wrote about how she tried to do The Work on her own, but somehow, she wound up going in circles or not staying right on track, getting lost in some of the stories and pictures formed in her mind around these constricting, stressful experiences.
It does appear difficult to do The Work with yourself at times. It’s like doing it in a vacuum, me-myself-and-I all here together making comments, and no WISE person in sight.
I remembered how when I first tried to do The Work. Even though I had read the book Loving What Is, which explains the entire process and even has examples of Byron Katie doing it with people on all kinds of topics…..
…..when I got to the very first question, I was slightly stumped.
Is it true?
Wait. What does that actually even mean?
It seems true.
What a crazy, unusual, bizarre, challenging question.
The other questions seemed even stranger.
Especially the fourth question….who would I be without my thought?
I could hardly imagine it!
At least that’s what I told myself.
What I didn’t realize, was that it would be much easier than I knew.
It is for you too!!
I thought I’d share an exercise you can try, if you find questioning your beliefs tricky, confusing, or you don’t experience much in the way of insight or a more open mind (not that we’re *trying* to get anywhere specific with this work).
It begins with dropping the belief that there is no wise person in sight, when it comes to your own investigation.
What if there was?
What if there is some incredibly wise, open, unattached voice inside of you, who can answer these questions?
Here’s how you can access that voice:
When a question is offered, get up a change the seat your sitting in, or move over from where you are standing, just make a shift.
Take on the voice of the one who can answer with a bigger view, an aware view.
Now answer from that perspective, like you are channeling that expanded voice.
Neal Donald Walsh did this when he had his conversations with God. I have participants do this exercise in retreats sometimes.
People become shocked, over and over again, that they can even do this exercise. They are surprised with their answers and how revealing, how loving, and how caring they are. These answers come out of them! They are accessing some different place, that moments ago they didn’t see!
Someplace different than their world of “little me” who is a victim, frightened, desperate, or angry.
You can do this.
It’s not as difficult as you think.
“It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind. Egoic consciousness is always pretending to be the most important thing that is happening…..And right in the midst of all that, there is a presence, there is an awareness, an unconditioned awareness, an unconditioned consciousness. Right in the middle of this conditioned mind, conditioned consciousness, is this shining, unconditioned essence. Essence doesn’t mean a little part hidden somewhere in us, the little teeny kernel of essence. Essence means the totality, the whole thing. Essence means the truth of you as opposed to the untruth of you.” ~ Adyashanti
You are all of this, incredible.
Even if you think it’s difficult to find answers in self-inquiry, even if you think you don’t have them.
I’ve had many people write me and talk with me about deep discouragement when it comes to resolving their eating and food issues.
It’s not uncommon to feel like you want to give up, and be overwhelmed with despair.
I myself often felt suicidal about my eating, energy level, compulsive behavior, and unhappiness.
One way you might dive into a cycle that you can’t seem to get out of, like you’re riding a children’s merry-go-round wheel in the playground that’s going really fast, is to stay in a vicious circle I call sin-guilt-punishment.
Watch here to see what the first thing is you can do to stop the spinning. Leave a comment under the video, I’d love to hear how it’s going for you.
Eating Peace With Grace
Much love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace In Person 3-Day Workshop Is Coming! This is open to everyone wanting freedom from eating issues that feel painful. February 6-8, 2015 $297. For more information about housing, location, and details (updated frequently) or to register click HERE.
As I went to sleep last night, and as I awoke again this morning, I noticed a feeling had followed me through the night.
Not exactly a light-hearted, fun-loving, desirable feeling.
No.
This felt like discouragement. A physical, sinking, low-energy feeling of something “not working”.
Have you ever noticed you stop having words or clarity about your feelings….but they just seem off?
So many talk and write about the human condition being one of attaching to ideas, and feelings, and following them without protest or question.
When my kids were little, one of my favorite books I read to them was called “Alexander and the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.”
We’ll still joke sometimes about horrible-terrible-no-good-very-bad days.
But here’s where they get a bit off the track….when you have this uncomfortable or low feeling….and you judge it in ways that make the situation even worse, even bigger, even more difficult.
Kinda like piling it on, like adding dry cedar logs to the fire, like giving yourself a kick when you’re already down.
I could feel that kind of energy knocking on the door.
It goes like this:
What is the source of this feeling? (Hardly pausing for even one second to really reflect, instead going fast to the next thought).
Hmmm, maybe it was something I ate. Maybe it’s the dreary gray sky and rainy weather. Maybe it’s my bank account. Maybe it’s hormones associated with menopause. Maybe I’ve been irresponsible around this need to find new health insurance for 2015 since I’m self-employed. Maybe I’m kidding myself that I could successfully run a business. Maybe I’ll never make a million dollars or pay off my house the way I’m planning.
You might have your own version.
It sneaks in and grows very rapidly sometimes.
I’ll never get there. I’ll never find what I’m looking for. I’ll never be where I want to be.
Life is hard. Bleh.
“I need to know why I’m feeling this sadish discontented discouragement.”
Is that true?
Yes. Then I can nip it in the bud next time.
So many fun things have happened in the past few weeks, what’s my problem anyway? JEEZUS.
Wait.
Are you sure you need to know why this ebb and flow, this downer time, this inner urge?
Are you sure it’s bad? Are you positive this is a no good very bad day?
Are you sure you can’t handle the grief, the sadness, the incident, the situation you remember….the life you’ve gone through?
No.
Who would you be without the belief that you need to perk up, this is unhappiness, there’s no hope, you SHOULD be discouraged, or that life is hard? Without the belief you need to find out why you’re not feeling so good today?
Even as the question comes out….something in me chuckles.
Without these thoughts…I look around where I am. I’m back in this moment, now, noticing the complete and utter silence in this room. Only the buzzing of the tiny refrigerator motor.
The walls, the pictures, the table, the chair, the fingers, the bookshelf, the darkness outside, everything very, very quiet.
Feeling what is right here, without thought, without discouragement, without plans for the future, without need for more, without needing to KNOW.
“Inquiry is grace. It wakes up inside you, and it’s alive, and there’s no suffering that can stand against it. It will take you over, and then it doesn’t matter what life brings you, ‘good’ or ‘bad’…..Even the most radical problem becomes just a sweet, natural happening, an opportunity for your own self-realization.” ~ Byron Katie
Staying right here is all that is needed.
Remember to ask “is it true?” and become very still.
No need to go anywhere, do anything, understand it thoroughly.
Yesterday I clicked the BUY button to purchase tickets to an event I knew was happening all year. An annual event I have loved attending in the past.
It’s a Solstice Feast! People dress in the most fabulous costumes. Fawns and Centaurs, Garlands and six-foot long loaves of braided bread, music and dancing. The great hall is lit with candles and twinkling lights. People bring magnificent food, and their own plates and forks.
I love the dreamy, dark, magical experience….like being in a theater show as a part of the “crowd” and loving the creativity all about, and the joy of celebrating light and dark.
Last year, I couldn’t go to anything normally happening this time of year.
I had major surgery on my leg, I was lying very flat in bed on this day last year, hardly able to turn over, barely able to get up out of bed to go to the bathroom.
Ahhh the memories!
So this year, I’ve been looking forward to being at events like the solstice feast, that I haven’t attended in what feels like a very long time.
But after I clicked the BUY button, a message appeared.
SOLD OUT.
This event is no longer available.
What? Seriously?
But. That was going to be fun.
I’m missing out.
Pause.
Who would you be without the belief that when you get a “no” or it turns out something isn’t available, it’s BAD.
What if it was a good thing?
It saves so much time to have this new turnaround idea appear, excited about what new, different, unknown experience will happen instead.
Sometimes people have excited feelings about how they can approach a barrier from another angle.
Perhaps they’re figuring out a great challenge, discovering the cure for polio, or inventing the lightbulb.
So it doesn’t mean giving up…just a joy at a very deep inner place that says all is well, whatever occurs.
Even if it’s nothing….silence….staying home for the evening.
That’s wonderful, too.
“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you….
It is always more beautiful here, wherever I am, than any story of a future or a past. The here and now is where I can make a difference. It’s what I live out of. Nothing more is required.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much love, Grace
P.S. See all the new classes and events right below here, in bright colors? You can find them on my website, and by clicking the event you’ll be taken to the right page for more information. I’d love to have you. Write if you have questions or need more information.
Last week I had an actual 2015 calendar planning week, with a new pocket calendar getting filled in and events getting scheduled.
It was weird.
It was the most organized, without trying to be organized, I’ve ever been.
Have you ever noticed that when you try to be organized, it often doesn’t exactly go the way you plan?
Sometimes….not having guarantees about the future, the calendar, THE PLAN….is stressful.
What if it doesn’t work out?
What if the plan turns out to be boring, or depressing, or something alarming happens like a broken leg, a theft, a missed connection, terrible weather, an uncomfortable conversation?
What if you’re getting together with your family, for example, and it’s not that fun and you came all that distance….and….and….
Remember, if you’re having a stressful moment like that….you can quietly excuse yourself for a moment, notice the painful thoughts screaming in your mind, and question them.
Or just one.
You only have to question ONE to often find a little gap in the stream of worry, doubt or anger.
“This isn’t going well.”
Is it true?
Yes. She said something so mean to me. I’m not having fun. They’re acting the same as they always do. I feel sad. I can’t handle this. I’m just not cut out for this I guess.
Are you sure? Really, really sure?
Well. No.
(A small smile might begin right here. On the inside. You might suddenly notice your surroundings, and how still they are, how safe you are, how things maybe aren’t as dramatic as you thought only 30 seconds ago).
Who would you be without the belief that it’s not going well….whatever it is?
No matter what the thing is you’re aware of….even that very alarming, frightening thing.
Who would you BE? What would you be? What would that be like, to not be positive it isn’t going well?
You might detach a little, just a little. You might ease up on the strength of your emotion. You might feel some space, a pause.
If you turned your thought all the way around, what would that be like? What if that were just as true, or even truer?
It IS going well.
Can you find a real, genuine, actual example of how this is true? It can’t be an affirmation, that you’re hoping is true, it has to be something you really see.
We’re giving weight here to the opposite.
This “planning” session went well. I have fabulous events on the calendar. All the contacts with people this coming year sound sweet, incredible, exciting, touching.
I look forward to the calendar being so full.
I look forward to the beauty ahead. I look forward to the unexpected, to delayed flights, lost sleep, imperfect interactions, busy-ness, tons of invitations, lots of time spent working with groups of amazing and often suffering people, earning a good living, spending money, having adventures, paying bills, feeling uncomfortable, questioning the world.
Wow.
Who would you be without the belief that anything coming up on your calendar should go a certain way?
Free? Open?
Laughing?
“The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen. People who can’t see this are simply believing their own thoughts, and have to stay stuck in the illusion of a limited world, lost in the war with what is. It’s a war they’ll always lose, because it argues with reality, and reality is always benevolent. What actually happens is the best that can happen, whether you understand it or not. And until you understand it, there is no peace.” ~ Byron Katie
It’s 2 months until I offer the three-day Eating Peace workshop in Seattle February 6-8, 2015. It’s really happening. People are buying their plane tickets to come stay. People are already enrolled.
Love yourself, love your eating, love your body–the truth of who you really are
And I have a confession to make.
Last year’s Eating Peace weekend (I called it Horrible Food Wonderful Food) had three people.
My confession?
I had a push-pull love-hate not-sure feeling about marketing, promoting, even offering the event.
Who am I to help people address such a deep, anxiety-ridden, frustrating issue? An issue that lasts and lasts for people, year after year, maybe ever since they were a child?
How can I say “come for a weekend, and question your relationship with food and eating, for the better”?
And I realized in this one particular area, food and eating, so close to my heart since I had an eating disorder that almost cost me my life….
….that I still felt the power of the deep discouragement, the pain and suffering, the hopelessness other people experience around this topic.
I may have found personal freedom, but I wasn’t sure how to put it into words, or if I could really help anyone else.
At least that’s what I was thinking, and partly believing.
Last year, I took a very close look again after I successfully taught the workshop to the three wonderful people who attended, one of them via skype.
Why had I hardly said a word about offering the weekend? Why had I not posted it in the usual online places? Or mentioned it to my peeps locally? Or made flyers, or announcements, or even spent time creating it as an official “event” on facebook?
I kind of half-whispered that it was happening and secretly thought….no problem if it’s canceled if no one shows up.
Several brave souls DID sign up.
They called me on it, without knowing they were doing it. One person drove from another city to be here.
I had to step up to the plate.
I could have said no. I could have backed out. I could have continued to avoid being in this role, and stop trying.
I took it to the mat. I did The Work.
My mind had been keeping me in flip-flop mode.
This happens in tons of areas for humans. Not just offering workshops, teaching material, sharing yourself, being vulnerable, wanting to be of service, creating something new.
People flip-flop about relationships, where they’re living, jobs, schools, all kinds of “decisions”.
Here were my concerns:
This is a huge big issue, with medical and physical impact. People get upset about their food…they are challenged, despondent, outraged, furious. Even brilliant people who are very well-read, have researched this topic endlessly, and tried many solutions.
This concern is dark, frightening, powerful, addictive.
Some people might die of it, there are no guarantees for healing.
Many people won’t relax and question their stories. Period.
I don’t have all the answers……
….Eeeeeeek! I’m scared!
Maybe you’ve had this kind of experience around doing something new.
You are drawn towards something, you’ve learned something magnificent, you want to learn more, you’re challenged.
Who would you be without the belief you can’t be of service? Who would you be without the belief you need to have all the answers? Who would you be without the belief that your life experience won’t benefit others if they hear your story?
Who would you be without the belief you could make a mistake?
What I know is, I feel a persistent call to serve. I used to be so different in this department called eating. I feel so simply free now.
How could I sit back and stop sharing when people ask me questions? Everyone can have this freedom, I know it.
Yes, thinking about food is a deep, dark, powerful, unsettling process.
Yes, eating out of balance appears to depress people, kill people, make their lives miserable, and they do it anyway.
What if all those people who helped me when I was suicidal and struggling and seeing no future or believing I could never change said to me…..
…..”Yeah, I think you’re right. Why bother trying to heal from eating issues? You should just give up.”
They didn’t.
I didn’t either.
I turned my thoughts around about working with people who want to explore their troubled relationship with food and eating.
They are coming along to be of service to me.
Everyone who shows up, writes to me, or has questions is all a part of a great and wonderful path.
I may not be the one to give everyone what they need, that’s very normal. Each of us needs to discover the right ingredients, in the right timing, at the right temperature….and exchange insights with others in the way they’re moved.
But I AM going to offer an absolutely awesome workshop, for three full days with an incredible group. We’re going to have an amazing time.
To read about the details of the Eating Peace workshop cost, food, logistics and accommodations, click here (you can also register).
We’ll be meeting February 6-8, 2015 in north Seattle near my home.
And even if this is not your topic, and you’ll never take a workshop on eating issues of any kind, but you’re agonizing over something really troubling….
….everything is working itself out just right.
You have what it takes to end your struggle. You don’t have to suffer. You can put yourself out there, with pure honesty.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
Question your thinking, be your honest self from the inside out, right now.
Maybe you can learn something about yourself by working with only one person, maybe you need a small crowd, maybe you need an audience of 500, or no one at all but you.
It all comes down to the same thing in the end.
Ha ha!
“To be here, all you have to do is let go of who you think you are. That’s all! And then you realize, “I’m here.” Here is where thoughts aren’t believed. Every time you come here, you are nothing. Radiantly nothing. Absolutely and eternally zero.” ~ Adyashanti
To feel the beauty, the ecstasy and joy, in what is here.
Today, and this weekend….pause.
Go much slower.
Let silence show you the way….nothing else is required.
Notice the sky, the light.
“Sunlight made visible the whole length of sky, movement of wind, leaf, flower, all six colours on tree, bush and creeper: all this is the day’s worship.
The light of moon, star and fire, lightnings and all things that go by the name of light are the night’s worship.
I am definitely going to be at the New Year’s Cleanse with Byron Katie Dec. 29-January 1st. If you are there, I would LOVE to hug you and say hello. If you recognize me, come say hi.
This month in the Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups we’re looking at our
complaints.
As we began to dive into them this week, it was really interesting how first our Tuesday call, then our Thursday call just last night both had to do with measuring something and having it come out too much, or too little.
Not so surprising, when it comes to complaints.
You can try this exercise yourself.
Sit down with a pen and paper, and write for 5 minutes the following prompt:
I complain about ____ because _____.
Just write it over and over again, making a list, adding all the things you complain about regularly, but only for five minutes.
People in YOI felt like they barely got started, there were so many.
I think of it as a certain kind of voice or energy, the complainer. Once you tap into it, it begins to almost ramp up and collect like a crowd gathering in a stadium.
Louder, louder and louder.
Finding fault or imperfection in practically anything and everything.
Nothing’s just right the way it is.
In the Tuesday group, we took this belief to inquiry: “it is inequitable”. People could find this around work, tasks, money, lifestyle, love.
In the Thursday group, we found “it is too expensive.”
Woah.
Isn’t it funny how the mind sees what is not fair, not equal, too much for me, too little for me, too much for you, too little for you….just weighing and measuring incessantly?
You may notice these thoughts appear on a regular basis in your mind.
But who would you be without them?
Without the belief that something is too expensive, or is inequitable…unbalanced, unfair, unevenly distributed, not enough, too much?
It doesn’t suddenly mean it doesn’t have a big ticket price…but without the repetitive belief that it’s true true true and that’s bad bad bad, you’re back to an inner calm.
You get to choose.
You get to free yourself from being sure things are going wrong, or dangerous, or threatening. That numbers mean you have less, or more. That there is limited supply and you need to be careful.
Try it today and see what happens.
“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Recently when in silence meditating, an old face popped in my mind.
There she was, again.
I could see her smiling, the laughter we shared which was so much fun, the intelligent conversations over dinners.
My mind went into storyland and revisited several scenes. That was someone I really loved and enjoyed very dearly.
Then something happened. Suddenly she had shifted her approach towards me, accused me from a distance of outrageous things, and left me feeling shocked, puzzled, searching for how she could have been so mistaken.
The memories were strong enough to open a conversation with my husband later in the day, about whether or not there was anything I might do, any action I could take, anything I haven’t done yet to resolve or make contact or repair my part, even though years have gone by with no contact.
What I found after contemplating, looking, being open…
…is that there was nothing more to do, not right now.
I seemed to have incited her to rage, or jealousy, or attack, and now it had died down and really, the ball was very much in her court. I had already called her (several years ago) and left phone messages, written her emails and told her voicemail that I loved her and missed her.
What I got back was…..silence.
Who would I be without the thought that I need to do MORE, make it feel right, push for the dream connection and resolution like in the movies, drive a happy ending?
Who would I be without the belief that the way it was going was wrong?
Byron Katie has a great line she utters sometimes with people doing The Work….that when someone leaves you or says no to you….you’ve been spared!
Today, what I can continue to do is The Work around that confusing situation, when it pops back in.
Without the belief that something went terribly wrong…her face would pop in and I’d be delighted. I’d smile. I’d remember how fun that energy, that friendship, that connection was.
Even if someone you know dies, you can do this.
You can notice as you remember them a feeling inside of friendliness, of joy, of love….even in the middle of great sadness that you don’t talk anymore.
You can say “Oh, hi dad! How are the cosmos today?” or “remember that time when we….” or “hey, did you hear the one about ….?” when their image comes to mind.
It’s a little visitation from them.
“Grief, unresisted, is grace. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t rip your heart out….In great grief, there’s an incredible love in it. In love there’s a tinge of bitter. In true love. My teacher used to say ‘all love is bittersweet’. All things experienced fully, reveal their opposite.” ~ Adyashanti
Today from here, I feel deep appreciation even though in that friendship I experienced some of the greatest grief and confusion I’ve ever felt about a friend and what they did.
