Recently when in silence meditating, an old face popped in my mind.
There she was, again.
I could see her smiling, the laughter we shared which was so much fun, the intelligent conversations over dinners.
My mind went into storyland and revisited several scenes. That was someone I really loved and enjoyed very dearly.
Then something happened. Suddenly she had shifted her approach towards me, accused me from a distance of outrageous things, and left me feeling shocked, puzzled, searching for how she could have been so mistaken.
The memories were strong enough to open a conversation with my husband later in the day, about whether or not there was anything I might do, any action I could take, anything I haven’t done yet to resolve or make contact or repair my part, even though years have gone by with no contact.
What I found after contemplating, looking, being open…
…is that there was nothing more to do, not right now.
I seemed to have incited her to rage, or jealousy, or attack, and now it had died down and really, the ball was very much in her court. I had already called her (several years ago) and left phone messages, written her emails and told her voicemail that I loved her and missed her.
What I got back was…..silence.
Who would I be without the thought that I need to do MORE, make it feel right, push for the dream connection and resolution like in the movies, drive a happy ending?
Who would I be without the belief that the way it was going was wrong?
Byron Katie has a great line she utters sometimes with people doing The Work….that when someone leaves you or says no to you….you’ve been spared!
Today, what I can continue to do is The Work around that confusing situation, when it pops back in.
Without the belief that something went terribly wrong…her face would pop in and I’d be delighted. I’d smile. I’d remember how fun that energy, that friendship, that connection was.
Even if someone you know dies, you can do this.
You can notice as you remember them a feeling inside of friendliness, of joy, of love….even in the middle of great sadness that you don’t talk anymore.
You can say “Oh, hi dad! How are the cosmos today?” or “remember that time when we….” or “hey, did you hear the one about ….?” when their image comes to mind.
It’s a little visitation from them.
“Grief, unresisted, is grace. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t rip your heart out….In great grief, there’s an incredible love in it. In love there’s a tinge of bitter. In true love. My teacher used to say ‘all love is bittersweet’. All things experienced fully, reveal their opposite.” ~ Adyashanti
Today from here, I feel deep appreciation even though in that friendship I experienced some of the greatest grief and confusion I’ve ever felt about a friend and what they did.
Bittersweet.
True love.
Ahhhh….
Much love, Grace