Tag: true love

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Can this be love? (+ summer camp opening day recording link for you)

Summer Camp for The Mind starts on Monday, July 9th. Anyone who joins and decides at the end of the summer to continue on into Year of Inquiry will receive a credit of their Summer Camp contribution towards YOI. Pay what you can for Summer Camp. Nothing is required. CLICK the image to join us.

I’m so touched by the online mini-retreat just shared by many this morning. It was magical and heart-breaking.

To get the link of the recording and listen-in, visit this Summer Camp information page HERE. Scroll down to the Opening Day recording link.

I was so moved by the beautiful, genuine inquiry and sharing people brought–from the people who spoke, but also from those who commented in the chat and shared their thoughts and questions.

Those who listen are also a significant part of this inquiry. The energy is alive and somehow palpable, like when a whole hall of people sit in meditative silence together.

Words are not required.

The inquiries brought to the call today were such beautiful examples of human awareness of change, loss, agony, feeling left or criticized….and working with these hurt feelings, opening up to understanding our pain and suffering.

Oddly, we’re not trying to get to any special place, or find that one missing answer, or figure out exactly what to do about this predicament….we’re bringing clear awareness to the story we’re telling ourselves. We’re not looking for advice.

We’re looking at the pain through the mind, the one that “thinks”, that sees pictures and images of loss or fear or anger or disappointment and never-ending unhappiness.

Strange, but it’s as if the inquiries brought to the Opening Day First Friday mini-retreat were perfectly placed, in just the right order, for opening up the story of separation.

I could relate to each and every story. I’ve done The Work on all three. All so painful. All incredibly powerful moments to question.

First, someone shared about a moment with someone close where the relationship was uncertainly defined. Are we friends or more than friends? Where is this going? I wanted something more. This is disappointing. I feel so hurt.

Next, a longer-term partnership (marriage) potentially moving into divorce. One person is moving out into another place to live. We feel crushed. He’s constantly criticizing me. He focuses on my flaws. I need him to say loving, kind things to me and notice what’s wonderful about me.

Finally, a family member has died tragically from cancer. So many people suffering, missing him. I want him to live. He shouldn’t die.

What is this suffering we’re experiencing in these situations? Does it mean, if I don’t suffer, that I won’t care about this person, or recall them? I won’t be close, or love? I won’t cry?

For me, this never turned out to be true.

In fact, as I’ve done The Work and even do The Work today with all these beautiful inquirers on the call, I find that without my thought that I should be with this person, or they should be alive….

….I stop resisting my thoughts of them. I talk to them, even out loud.

I might even listen to them when I ask “Why are you leaving? Why did you go? Do you know how much I love you?” 

I hear their answers, with inquiry, even in my own head. I feel it all. I’m not holding back anymore.

NOT suffering does not mean my heart isn’t breaking and swelling into a million pieces. NOT suffering doesn’t mean being numb, or disconnected, or never thinking of them. NOT suffering doesn’t mean pretending things are OK when they actually aren’t, or trying to be a different person with a different reaction.

For me, what I find NOT Suffering actually looks like is being more connected with these people I adore than ever. At least that’s what I keep finding with The Work.

Instead of repeating the exact same painful thoughts about what’s happening with that person over and over again, I’m sitting with the difficult thought and looking at it from every possible angle.

I’m realizing, by doing this Q and A with my story, that I actually can’t confirm or deny that love is not present in this relationship, in this situation.

Most recently, in fact, when my former husband died, I felt the most strong, big, wide love for him I’ve felt in a long time.

I’ve reflected (and still am reflecting) on some of the unfinished wonderings not taken to the deepest inquiry yet about our parting, and separation, and divorce, and continued connection and friendship and co-parenting and deep support for one another through all these 31 years since we met.

These moments of having the heart pierced with grief and love (they are both there) can only happen with people who are significant and important to us.

“Your story is your identity, and you’d do almost anything to prove that it’s true. Inquiry into self is the only thing that has the power to penetrate such ancient concepts….When I learned to meet my thinking as a friend, I noticed that I could meet every human as a friend. The end of the war with myself and my thinking is the end of the war with you.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 294

Someone asked today on the call how long registration is open for Summer Camp and I responded…Oh wow, I don’t know. LOL.

You can really join any time, and my thought is, you’ll probably enjoy more time, attention, practice and care for yourself and your thinking if you come on board sooner than later. Plus you’ll get to participate in our Pop-Up private summer camp forum for a greater amount of time. I’d suggest joining this weekend sometime.

But does longer mean better? Do you really have to attend all seven weeks to get the best results? Does more minutes in inquiry add up to more clarity in the mind? Is it better to spend more time in a marriage? Is it better to be partnered than not? Is more life better than less life? Is it better to live until age 95 than 35?

I can’t absolutely know that it’s true.

Maybe one profoundly powerful inquiry can open us to unknown worlds we never thought possible. Maybe asking ourselves “is that really true?” just once about a thought that something shouldn’t happen….can end our suffering and angst about life.

What I notice is that life is passionately, profoundly on the move in the form of people coming, and then going. When there is this experience called loss, or disappointment, or sadness, or rage about people coming or going, perhaps it is not as terrible as I am thinking and believing is it.

I notice I am filled with a startling sense of feeling when these incidents happen. I’m brought to my knees in the present moment. Tears flow. Heart breaks open. Is it not the ordinary. It brings me to The Work.

Could this be true love?

Much love,

Grace

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True Love Is Bittersweet

Recently when in silence meditating, an old face popped in my mind.

There she was, again.

I could see her smiling, the laughter we shared which was so much fun, the intelligent conversations over dinners.

My mind went into storyland and revisited several scenes. That was someone I really loved and enjoyed very dearly.

Then something happened. Suddenly she had shifted her approach towards me, accused me from a distance of outrageous things, and left me feeling shocked, puzzled, searching for how she could have been so mistaken.

The memories were strong enough to open a conversation with my husband later in the day, about whether or not there was anything I might do, any action I could take, anything I haven’t done yet to resolve or make contact or repair my part, even though years have gone by with no contact.

What I found after contemplating, looking, being open…

…is that there was nothing more to do, not right now.

I seemed to have incited her to rage, or jealousy, or attack, and now it had died down and really, the ball was very much in her court. I had already called her (several years ago) and left phone messages, written her emails and told her voicemail that I loved her and missed her.

What I got back was…..silence.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to do MORE, make it feel right, push for the dream connection and resolution like in the movies, drive a happy ending?

Who would I be without the belief that the way it was going was wrong?

Byron Katie has a great line she utters sometimes with people doing The Work….that when someone leaves you or says no to you….you’ve been spared!

Today, what I can continue to do is The Work around that confusing situation, when it pops back in.

Without the belief that something went terribly wrong…her face would pop in and I’d be delighted. I’d smile. I’d remember how fun that energy, that friendship, that connection was.

Even if someone you know dies, you can do this.

You can notice as you remember them a feeling inside of friendliness, of joy, of love….even in the middle of great sadness that you don’t talk anymore.

You can say “Oh, hi dad! How are the cosmos today?” or “remember that time when we….” or “hey, did you hear the one about ….?” when their image comes to mind.

It’s a little visitation from them.

“Grief, unresisted, is grace. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t rip your heart out….In great grief, there’s an incredible love in it. In love there’s a tinge of bitter. In true love. My teacher used to say ‘all love is bittersweet’. All things experienced fully, reveal their opposite.” ~ Adyashanti

Today from here, I feel deep appreciation even though in that friendship I experienced some of the greatest grief and confusion I’ve ever felt about a friend and what they did.

Bittersweet.

True love.

Ahhhh….

Much love, Grace

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True Love Doesn’t Want That Person To Change

People in the northwest near Seattle!

We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.

Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.

Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.

And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.

Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.

They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.

A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.

That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.

Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!

The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.

He drinks too much.

I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.

I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.

As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!

The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.

If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.

Uh oh.

This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.

You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.

That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.

Is it true?

Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?

Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?

You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.

How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?

It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.

It’s a drag.

Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?

Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?

So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.

I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.

Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.

I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.

Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.

I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.

I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.

I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.

WOW.

“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.

I may get divorced, move out, move away.

But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.

The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.

Enjoying my own company.

If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.