People in the northwest near Seattle!
We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.
This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.
Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.
Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.
And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.
Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.
They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.
A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.
That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.
Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!
The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.
He drinks too much.
I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.
I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.
As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!
The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.
If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.
Uh oh.
This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.
You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.
That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.
Is it true?
Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?
Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?
You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.
How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?
It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.
It’s a drag.
Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?
Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?
So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.
I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.
Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.
I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.
Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.
I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.
I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.
I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.
WOW.
“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.
I may get divorced, move out, move away.
But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.
The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.
Enjoying my own company.
If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.
Much love, Grace
P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.