One area I’ve noticed over the years of working with those of us with eating woes is one particular type of eater.
An eater with such a deep broken heart about other people’s suffering…
…that they unconsciously move to help those in need almost as a compulsion all in itself. Like they can’t help it.
Often, they are nurses, teachers, healers, holistic practitioners, counselors and therapists, maybe moms.
Now, helping others is a beautiful act. But often, when we’ve got this underlying belief running about needing them desperately to be OK….our efforts to help them are not really helpful.
When we’re worried about other people we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, literally. It’s all over us.
We seem images of people close to us, and the suffering of humanity, and feel the pain of it all.
The belief “I need to help other people” can be very, very stressful.
People feel guilty about questioning it, like it will mean they will never help others, and they’ll be selfish, isolated, uncaring people.
Can you really know that’s true, that you’ll forget about others, if you question that you need to help them?
“Being soothed and oral intake are closely associated in the human mind…Food becomes a substitute for nourishment. Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity and love. ” ~ Gabor Mate, MD
You were lured, manipulated, hooked, seduced…..What happens when you believe this is possible? A scary story. But remember, it’s a story.
The first Friday inquiry jam, where people can connect via phone or internet from anywhere in the world, was so powerful just a few days ago (mark your calendar for First Friday of April 7:45 am PT, we’ll do it again).
We began as always with everyone filling out their own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful situation, some exchange or moment in time where something happened unpleasant. Something disturbed us. Something felt off, or scary, or sad.
Someone raised their hand (you get to push *2 and I see the alert on my computer). This lovely inquirer said she has so many moments where she felt anxious or upset….where should she begin?
Great question.
I’ve had a few of those people or moments in my life (OK, more than a few) where it felt like the same “problem” was reoccurring over and over. Or the same dilemma, or same uncomfortable conversation.
The best thing I know to do is to really freeze frame only one of those moments in time, and hold very still with it as you write down your judgments about that situation, without one single ounce of editing yourself. Be childish, critical, petty, ridiculous.
What moment should you choose, you ask?
Why, the one where you felt the most fear, intensity, sadness, rage, fury, irritation, or hurt. That one. Where the scene of the crime was The Worst.
I found, if I go back to that one, and write everything I believe that’s stressful down, about that one moment….
….then the following or other moments that “weren’t so bad by comparison” will also fall into place. (And if they don’t, you can still do The Work on them).
This movement into The Worst moment takes some courage sometimes. Because you might remember a moment that’s really, really painful. It can stir you up.
So take a very deep breath, and remember first that you’re past that moment, now. You’re safe in your chair, as you write down the thoughts. Even if the event happened yesterday, you’ve got a little break. You can give yourself this quiet space for a moment.
Not long ago I had an old flame who reappeared in my life after many years away. The relationship had spanned maybe four months grand total when it happened in real life, but I actually thought of that relationship while watching the movie LaLa Land.
Oh no, not him again. Really?
So much work on that person, a long time ago. I thought it was all squared away. But just running into him at a coffee shop made me feel sort of nauseated, and nervous. I felt jumpy, like I needed to get out of there and like I also wanted to connect and find out all about his life.
Intrigue. Mystery. Drama.
Danger Danger! (Did you hear the back-up sound of loud beeping and the red lights flashing? That’s a huge truck. Heading backwards. Meaning, the driver probably doesn’t know you’re standing right there in the middle of the alley. MOVE!!!!!)
I went home feeling kind of shaken and sad, remembering the feeling of almost being run over. Seeing pictures of being very frightened many times in that relationship, feeling nervous and pushed and chaotically excited (like when you’re on a roller coaster) and confused and never relaxed.
And then annoyed. Because I received an email from him asking to get together like it would be the easiest and most normal thing to do in the world. Not a hey, would you want to get together to have a truly honest talk about your perspective of what happened in that very tumultuous, difficult, awful time back then….but an invitation to go to a show and hang out.
What?
Somehow, I’m thinking we weren’t in the same relationship. He had his idea of what it was like. I had mine.
And here came the stressful thoughts: He should see how crazy-time the interactions were between us in the long-distant past. He should wake up. He should quit acting like an addict….someone who blacks-out the bad times and screams it-was-the-best-thing-ever about the good times. He should stop being so grabby. Desperate. He should stop thinking that relationship was fun. Or desirable. It wasn’t.
Oh man.
Dang it.
I have to do The Work on this? Again? After all these years? Seriously?
But I knew not to start in with the criticism of myself about it all.
Because self-criticism, guilt, or shame is a cover-up and a dark alley you can easily get stuck in (if you’re like me) and fogs out deeper understanding of the actual situation. It’s like a distraction to a different shiny object, a very painful shiny object. But a distraction nevertheless.
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
OK. Fine.
So here’s where the invitation comes in to go back to a very troubling moment, The Worst troubling moment, rather than this recent coincidental meeting which stirred things up.
I sat down, closed my eyes, and opened up to revisiting the difficult details, and seeing what still lived within my mind about it.
I was shocked.
Judge Your Neighbor worksheet:
I am enraged with him because he sucked me into his life, and lied about the dark truth, mental illness, alcoholism and neediness behind his fake captivating personality.
I want him to apologize, instead of saying he did nothing wrong.
He should grow up, get professional help, do The Work, understand how much he terrified me.
In order to be happy, I need him to confess he almost ruined my life because of his selfish and false desires, because of his desperation for attention and love.
He is an addict, a liar, sick, dangerous, stalker, angry, disgusting.
I don’t ever want to fall prey to a love con game again. I don’t ever want to be involved with someone who attempts suicide and is mentally ill.
OK then.
Sigh.
Just your run-of-the-mill everyday worksheet on a light chance encounter at a coffee shop. (Not).
The wonderful thing is now, I can take every single one of these concepts through the four questions and turnarounds. It doesn’t matter if it takes several months, or if I really go for it and do one a day. (I’m not the all-in-one-sitting type. Too much effort, too much to digest all at once. But nothing wrong with it if you DO like doing a whole worksheet in one sitting. Go for it!)
If you have a person you’ve thought of as needing to be rescued from themselves or their own thinking, or someone who manipulated or overwhelmed you….then join me now.
Let’s do The Work!
Starting from the top. Picture that person who drew you in, demanded a response, forced you to react, made you feel “x”. You’re a victim of their behavior. They neeeeeeeeeed you. They don’t let up. They’re high maintenance.
I’ve had sales pitches that felt this way. Organizations. Groups. Programs. Religions.
He sucked me into his life.
Is it true?
Yes. I was just innocently being me, standing there, and….
Answer the question.
He sucked you in, can you ABSOLUTELY KNOW this is true?
No.
I saw no vacuum cleaner. No one had a knife. All that happened is conversations, time spent together, then time ending together, honestly.
No one forced me to do it.
How do you react when you believe you were sucked in, to anything?
Angry! Furious! Fist shaking! They did it to me! I was an innocent bystander! Mad at myself for not saying “no” 1000 times sooner!
So who would you be without this very painful story that you got sucked in?
You could apply the very same thought to a compulsive addictive behavior. The food compulsion sucked you in. The drugs, the alcohol, those people. You didn’t know what hit you.
Who would I be without the belief this guy sucked me in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world?
Oh. Hmmm.
I’d notice I’m separate from him. Very. I have a world that doesn’t intersect much with this other person’s world. This is one small encounter, out of my whole life. I am not “sucked” into anything terrible.
Without the thought, I feel safer, calmer, relaxed. I’m back in my own business, feet solidly on the ground, feeling the earth and noticing how in that situation, I knew when to no longer engage.
There was no emergency.
Without the thought, I’m noticing how nothing truly terrible happened. No one died. I even went to work, went about my own life. The worst that happened, honestly, were my thoughts. No gigantic octopi descended upon me, I definitely wasn’t “sucked”.
Turning the thought around: he didn’t suck me in. I sucked him in. I sucked myself in.
Oh. Wow. Yikes.
How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?
I sucked him in, by telling him of my worries about life (which weren’t really true) and my love dreams (which were unrealistic) and by answering every question he asked, and by writing long involved emails to him early on. I sucked him in by asking him tons of questions about his childhood.
I sucked myself in by believing I could help, even when things began to get revealed and the true (not fake) stories started getting uncovered. I sucked myself in with worry, anxiety and feeling torn. I sucked myself in by closing my eyes to some weird behavior and pretending it was OK with me. I sucked myself in by not speaking up, or telling my own inner truth.
I even sucked myself in by swinging from bubbly attraction, to disgust, rather than feeling the solid awareness of a centered, sane, kind approach to seeing the truth. I sucked myself in to my own story of what I hoped would happen….and then sucked myself in to extreme and deep disappointment that it didn’t. I forgot my own clarity, and strength.
I sucked myself in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world…I sucked myself into my own agony, my own mental illness, my need to rescue, my sick world of believing in sick worlds.
“You are alive only in your own imagination as the thing you think you are. The story we have of ourselves is so seductive….Don’t be waiting for “next”. There is no “next”. It is enough that you are here. The more you are able to bring your attention to that which is, you will find your silence, your peace. You will discover your inherent harmony, your natural joy.” ~ Mooji
I sucked myself into a dramatic vortex of believing there was a hook. A dangerous hook, in this world. Called another human with a “big” needy personality. Who was a fish that bit the hook? That would be me.
Only, that’s not what really happened.
He did not suck me in to anything. He delivered me. He set me free from believing in emergencies, from thinking it would be awful to say “no”. From tantalizing, enmeshed relationship where I believe I’m far more important than necessary. He showed me that even when someone attempts suicide, they can live, and so can I. He showed me how wonderful my own company is, how peaceful and quiet, all by myself. How glorious.
I told a story.
And it’s completely over right now.
I see what is. Thank you.
“The thing about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
Today I’ve been enjoying reflecting on how much I’ve learned about self-inquiry and having my own business in the past several years.
I looked at a few emails I sent when I started my email list, in early 2011.
I would email the dates and time for anything I was about to teach, and months would go by between one email and the next.
Then….a really wonderful friend who also loves The Work (we met because he signed up for one of my teleclasses) kept prodding me to expose myself, wide open.
He knows a lot about marketing.
“Write about your own work”, he said.
I hemmed and hawed and he kept saying DO IT! He sent me examples, ideas, hints, encouragement.
Well….here’s an updated version of one of my first emails. I thought I’d share it with you all today as a way to revisit that old belief that reappears sometimes now and again.
Dear Inquirer,
Although it was scary at first (and still is at times), doing The Work with others and allowing them to see where I hide from the world and myself, is one of the most liberating things I’ve ever done…and continue to do….
…my heart…bare and naked!
So…
I share my work here for two reasons.
One is, to help dispel the myth that people who’ve been “in” The Work for a long time are in some way “different,” more “evolved,” or “superior.”
Wherever and whomever you are, is just right. There are no special answers, special qualities or special ways of being that happen with any guarantee whatsoever.
And I guess the 2nd reason is sort of the same.
To remind you that we’re all working on the same thoughts and can learn from each other’s work.
I continue to marvel at how everyone’s work in my classes…is MY work, too.
I’m also amazed at the courage, integrity, and innocence of “us.”
My clients and class members inspire me.
With that said, here’s a one-liner that reappeared with respect to someone I’m really close to recently:
“He/She should stop hurting.
I look out into the world, I talk with the most amazing, beautiful people, and sometimes I feel a sense of sadness that they are “hurting” or suffering; grieving, smoking, drinking, overeating, hopeless, full of despair, cheated, lost, desperate, suicidal, afraid…
They feel sad, so I feel sad.
Now that’s rather…funny really. I love how right in the moment that I am interpreting that person as unhappy, that I myself feel unhappy.
This happens often with parents. As a mom, I look at my kids and think wow…I really want them to be happy.
Who would you be without the thought that she/he is sad?
That question alone is so liberating. I realize immediately how sadness is not all they are….
We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.
This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.
Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.
Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.
And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.
Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.
They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.
A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.
That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.
Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!
The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.
He drinks too much.
I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.
I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.
As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!
The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.
If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.
Uh oh.
This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.
You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.
That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.
Is it true?
Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?
Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?
You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.
How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?
It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.
It’s a drag.
Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?
Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?
So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.
I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.
Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.
I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.
Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.
I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.
I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.
I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.
WOW.
“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.
I may get divorced, move out, move away.
But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.
The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.
Enjoying my own company.
If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.
Much love, Grace
P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.
Wow, there is nothing like doing The Work with a kind, interested, curious group of inquirers for hours together during a weekend.
I absolutely loved the group that assembled these past two days in Seattle.
I noticed a little mosquito-sized thought entering my mind by the end of the second day: I want everyone to find relief, inspiration, happiness, or hope during this weekend.
I want them to have an AH-HA moment! I want them to be AMAZED by their own power to ask themselves if what they are believing is true! I want them to be EXCITED! I want them to be CHANGED after this weekend and go off into the sunset Renewed!
Good lord. Have you ever wanted someone close to you to be happy? It just seems like such a benign little thought, such a good-hearted little happy positive thought, such a nice thought.
Wait….what? Did you say co-dependent? That I might be over there in Other Peoples’ Business?
Ooopsie Daisy! Heh Heh.
It is actually quite stressful to wish that someone else is happy, or “gets” something, or feels better.
And it is entirely hopeless.
This past weekend was for me, no one else. It was a practice in being of service, which is incredibly powerful and joyful. It was a practice in being honest, authentic, real, open.
This past weekend was my practice at telling the truth of my story, and the truth of how it changed, knowing that for some people, it seems to be very inspiring to learn about.
I happen to be a human being that once was insane around food.
I could not be in the presence of food without becoming afraid, angry, or condemned. I hated vegetables because they were the only thing I was supposed to be eating without guilt. I hated sugary sweet things because to even imagine eating them meant I was a terrible, greedy, disgusting person.
How incredible to have FOOD, a thing which we apparently need to live in these bodies, be something of such danger. I could slip at any minute into the You Are Bad category. Or be pure in the You Are Good category based on what I chose to eat.
I feel so grateful not to be there anymore. To see all food with equal joy and gratitude. All food as my friend, whether chocolate chips or broccoli.
But how did I get here? It seems like a long and winding road. Learning just a little bit more all the time. Sometimes learning something big, that felt like a leap forward.
I wish I could give it to the people who suffer around food. But everyone seems to have their own path, their own journey.
Now, my work is to allow those people who are suffering to be as they are.
So I want that person or those people to feel better, to feel relief, inspiration, joy, hope, excitement, change or peace….is that absolutely 100% true?
YES!!
Who in your life do you wish would feel better?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Fretful, hand-wringing, I keep thinking about them, images of them come to mind, I worry. I call them up, I send them emails, I think of ways they could find relief, I offer suggestions.
I might clench my jaws, I might feel concern, and spend time thinking about them. Their image keeps coming into my mind like a broken movie clip flashing over and over. It’s rather mad.
Eeewwww. Yuck. It is not that fun to be in other peoples’ business this way.
Who would you be without the thought that someone else, or a whole group of other people, should feel better than they do?
“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.”~Byron Katie
Without the thought that anyone should learn, get, or find anything, in my presence or out of my presence, I am so mysteriously open. I am shaking my head in the strangeness and beauty of them all. I am fascinated by whatever state I see anyone in. I am trusting.
I am allowing everything to be as it is. I am letting go.
“You just act sometimes as if you’re God, as if you need to make things happen. I noticed that things happen with or without me, people approve of me or they don’t. It has nothing to do with me. This is really good news, since it leaves me responsible for my own happiness. It leaves me to do nothing but live my life as kindly and intelligently as I can. If you don’t notice and aren’t grateful, I understand. It’s only me I’m dealing with, and that is enough for a lifetime.”~Byron Katie
The turnarounds are actually truer than my original beliefs about other people. In fact, they are the only true beliefs…and maybe not even those, actually:
I want ME to have an AH-HA moment! I want ME to be AMAZED by my own power to ask myself if what I am believing is true! I want me to be EXCITED! I want me to be CHANGED after this weekend and go off into the sunset Renewed!
Done.
Love, Grace
P.S. Last call, a spot left for Friday’s teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Noon – 1:30 Pacific time. Click below to register or send email with questions to grace@workwithgrace.com.
My Relationship With Food Changed After Your Class
“Dear Grace, I wanted to tell you that after I took your class for two months, I have never had the same difficult relationship with food again. That is a miracle. It’s been six months now, and I still can hardly believe it. I am simply not worried any more about my food, and this changed everything. I recommend it to anyone I know with eating troubles.”~EK Horrible Food Wonderful Food class participant
Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.
Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
