Tag: betrayal

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The embarrassing thing someone wrote about Breitenbush and me

Someone the other day who lives in Seattle asked me….what’s Breiten-bosch? 

I forget that even if you live here in the Pacific northwest, you may have no idea what Breitenbush is, or where.

And, you may even have heard a few things you aren’t so sure about. Like Clothing-Optional mineral soaking pools.

OMG, I’ll talk about that in a minute. (Yikes)!

Breitenbush HotSprings Resort and Conference Center is a place located deep in the heart of the Oregon Cascades where underground thermal springs have surfaced and provided heated pools for decades.

Last year, someone said “I can’t believe how beautiful this place is, I thought it would be two hot tubs at the end of a dusty road, with some tree-huggers living in a tent.”

LOL.

Far from it.

Breitenbush is a place with a grand lodge, perfectly kept grounds including gardens of flowers and edibles, pathways and trails, a hard-working staff, and an entire catalogue of retreats, workshops and health-related programs for anyone who is a guest.

You can get a massage, take a yoga class, visit the meditation quiet-zone sanctuary, hike into the old growth emerald forest, and enjoy a cozy cabin with comfortable beds, built in cabinets, beautiful hot radiators, a desk and lamp and electricity, and a short trip to the men’s or women’s bathhouse to enjoy naturally heated showers.

And yes, it’s true. There are all-gender clothing-optional soaking pools in their own private areas for those who wish to take in the hot healing waters.

But no one has to go naked, or even go in the hot pools at all. Swimsuits are worn by many. Old-timers and their families tend not to.

You get to choose what’s comfortable for you on your time off during our workshop when the natural sauna or hot pools beckon. Not everyone comes for the waters.

If you’re not really a hot-tub person (I’m not) then we might find you down by the rushing river sitting in Adirondack chairs in the sun, or journaling on dark green moss in the forest.

And oh the meals. So delicious.

Mostly organic, all vegetarian and such a wonderful variety: salads, soups, hot dishes, rice, fruits. Anyone with special diets are accommodated (you tell them when you sign up). You’ll need to bring your own caffeine (lots of french presses and bottles of cream are in the community kitchen station). But you need not be ashamed if you do.

Why we really come to Breitenbush in June, is for the mental health that happens along with the physical health.

We’re there to do the powerful process of self-inquiry known as The Work. It renews mind, feeling, body and spirit.

Now, remember when I said “YIKES!” when mentioning clothing-optional soaking pools?

Once upon a time, there was a scary story for me about those clothing-optional pools.

Six years ago, someone composed a letter that got sent to a few administrative powers-that-be claiming that counseling-in-the-nude was happening at Breitenbush.

Who was the “counselor” doing this? Me.

Oh my.

This caused fear-and-terror, then a little sadness, and eventually a giggle.

Just in case your imagination runs wild at the idea of mental health counseling happening in the nude, please know that the pools are for your private, personal time at Breitenbush. They always have been.

The Work of Byron Katie isn’t really “counseling”…although this isn’t the issue. No counseling or non-counseling, no “work” or program is done at the pools.

The Work is a profound way to identify and then question for yourself what you believe, particularly about stressful experiences in your life. It’s open-ended, contemplative, and allows wondering to occur, beyond fear and stress.

Just like it was for me when I did The Work on someone accusing me wrongly of counseling people in the nude! 

Our work at Breitenbush doesn’t happen in the hot springs, unless it’s percolating within you quietly after our group sessions are over.

Our workshop retreat has its own beautiful space down near the rushing river…a truly lovely structure in-the-round that holds a large circle of people extremely well. We have our own private bathroom inside our round building and we gather in chairs or back jacks (you get to choose) with a comfortable carpeted floor, a white board, and a big projector for our movie night.

Our sessions are mornings 10 am to lunch, a 2.5 hour lunch break (time for a hike, massage, or a soak), 2 hours before dinner, and we only meet until 9 pm latest so in the summer dusk you can relax, soak again, share time with others, or head to an early bed.

But oh that accusation about naked counseling. Ugh.

It really did mention my name specifically.

And even as I remember it, I can still find the thought arising “that person shouldn’t have written that letter.”

Falsely accused! Ridiculous paranoid and jealous person! She was wrong!

Is it true?

So easy for me to see it’s not true, now. But I remember what it felt like when I believed it.

How did I react when I believed the letter-writer shouldn’t have accused me of doing mental health counseling naked in the hot springs pools at Breitenbush?

Defensive. Frightened. Freaking out with the need to make sure everyone knew how WRONG this letter was. That it was some kind of bizarre misunderstanding. That the person who wrote it was a weirdo.

But who would I be, who am I now, without the belief that this person (I since found out who it was, but didn’t know at the time)….falsely accused me?

I notice how clear and safe it was to be “accused” because it was all revealed very smoothly, caused no harm to anyone at all, and showed me who wasn’t supposed to be my friend or colleague.

It also showed me how deeply uncomfortable some people are with nudity, and how OK that is. It showed me how when I joke around, I can be misinterpreted.

Without the belief she shouldn’t have written the letter, I notice how words were read on a piece of paper, a few required steps were taken to respond, and it was over. I learned sooooo much.

And I still find the turnarounds for how it’s truer that she should have written that letter:

I learned how my credentials and my master’s degree were of greater importance than I knew. I could offer CEUs to other mental health professionals (26 for every retreat). I was completely up-to-date on all requirements for my degree and service. I met a fabulous lawyer who was so good to give me really incredible advice.

I felt more confident than ever, after that whole ordeal (which maybe couldn’t be called an ordeal anymore) was over. I felt the power of standing up for myself confidently, without shame. Steady on.

That experience was better than any personal coaching I could have received for feeling confident about my business.

And now, the Breitenbush retreat will happen for the 8th time. This time I’ll be accompanied by the absolutely lovely Todd Smith, who is so kind and grounded in his own work. I love his experience he shares with the world, and his knowledge and love for self-inquiry.

If you sign up soon, the tuition is still at the “early bird” rate, and I’ve heard while cabins are going quick they’re holding a few for our group.

If you fly from afar, don’t worry about having to bring a lot of gear. They supply sheets, blankets, pillows, pillow cases, towels and wash cloth. Bring shampoo and soap and your toothpaste. The little store has any necessities you might forget. The weather is a bit unpredictable (isn’t this the case everywhere now) so a jacket plus summer shorts or sundress. We were really hot one year. We were really cold another.

And one thing: you’ll be off the grid, outside of cell phone service (!) and no wi-fi. This is a time to unplug from the outside world, and plug into your inner life. Many people like to bring their journals, but we’ll have all the materials you need for The Work.

Who would you be without your stressful stories?

For me, without my story of false-accusation, I’m filled with gratitude. I’m clear as a bell. I’m open. I’m understanding. I’m trusting reality. I know who shows up are the right people and I can’t wait to spend time with you, opening our minds and hearts to the friendliness of life.

Without my story of someone freaking out about naked counseling being done at Breitenbush….

….I have a special deep appreciation for all the lessons, all the support this place called Breitenbush has given me.

Even when letters or words get written than don’t seem so friendly on the first read-through.

Learn even more about Breitenbush (and get their phone number) right HERE. Join the inner peace movement.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you have a fearful thought about what someone did, said about you, or wrote about you….you can question it! It might not be as bad as you *think*! It may be giving you some awareness you didn’t realize you had.

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They’re giving me the Silent Treatment!

LIVE Facebook Friday (today!) at 11:30 am Pacific Time. The topic this time is why not to do The Work on YOURSELF….why look outside yourself to judgment (which we’re taught NEVER to do). I’ll share at the end about the upcoming Year of Inquiry program which is starting in a month.

If you don’t know about how to watch a facebook live event, it’s a simple way to use a phone video camera to connect with everyone right on facebook. It’s completely LIVE, as in Real Time. The way you can participate and watch, while it’s happening, is on my facebook page: Head over to WorkWithGrace on Facebook. (Like the page while you’re there, it helps spread the word).

Year of Inquiry is a remarkable program where you get to question your stressful beliefs for an entire year, with an amazing group of people. We learn to “be” our honest selves, and question what we think is wrong with life, in any way whatsoever. Including ourselves.

As a preview to help with deepening our internal work, I’m offering my free masterclass immersion: TEN BARRIERS that BLOCK THE WORK on August 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific Time (like, for example, feeling horribly embarrassed and ashamed you’ve screwed up–that would be Barrier #8). The class is 2 hours long with a huge amount of information.

There will be a Q & A at the very end of the Immersion Class on 8/22 about the new Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. Register for the free immersion class right HERE. It will be recorded, so if you can’t attend, you’ll receive the link for the replay. Feel free to share this with anyone you know who may be interested.

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Speaking of feeling ashamed that you’ve done something wrong….I noticed this appeared twice in recent group inquiries in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway right now.

And then, it appeared again when working with a lovely inquirer only yesterday.

The situation: someone didn’t show up, someone said “no” in a harsh way, someone gave you the silent treatment.

You’re upset with them, even angry. And you’re also wondering if YOU are the kind of person who does something to deserve being stood up.

The mind moves into thoughts like “this always happens to me” or “I must be communicating poorly” or “I’m obviously an idiot” or “I make arrangements with the wrong kinds of people”.

You just get an overall feeling you’re wrong, bad, off, screwing up.

Even if you also blame that other person over there for not being responsible or reliable, there’s an attack on the self.

What I appreciate noticing about the Attack of The Self, is it comes out of a stressful thought about someone else. So, it’s a reaction to another stressful belief you’re assuming is true. If you were happily going about your business with absolutely no one else around, you wouldn’t feel this cutting self-criticism.

They’re giving me the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication). 

It means lots of bad things, including this thing about me that I must be asking for it or creating it somehow.

But let’s take a look at the original thought, that this silent non-communicative experience is terrible….and that other person is giving it to me.

Is it true they’re giving you the silent treatment?

YES!!

I’ve reached out. I’ve left messages. I’ve emailed. Nada.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Well….they could be frightened, or not know what to say, or be too angry to return my call. There’s that. It wouldn’t exactly be “giving” me the silent treatment on purpose, just for the heck of it. There’s a reason this silence is happening, and it may have something to do with them, not just me.

It might not be such a bad thing, compared to the alternative. It might not mean what I think it means.

How do you react when you believe they’re giving you the silent treatment?

Depressed. Self-condemning. Furious.

Going over the exchanges prior to the silence–what was said, or expected, in the past? Deciding that person is rude, obnoxious, screwed up. Ripping them to shreds in my mind.

Not enjoying the moment, that’s for sure.

So who would you be without this very stressful belief that they are giving you the silent treatment, and it’s awful? Without the thought it means something bad about you, or about anyone, or about life?

Huh?

You mean the silent treatment could be fine, or not a problem, or not so big a deal?

Who would I be, what would I be, how would I sit with that moment of No Person showing up, No Phone call coming in, No Text, No Email, No Letter, No Knock On The Door? What would that be like, to not fret about this thing called Silent Treatment?

I’d notice the present moment. The room I’m surrounded by, the chair I’m sitting in, the brightness of the day, the great quiet of the moment. Except in my thoughts, everything is very sweet and quiet.

Without the thought, I’d be free, and peaceful, and curious about that person I’m wondering about from time to time.

I’d trust that not everyone is supposed to be in communication with me at every moment. It’s better that way. Pausing, sabbaticals, rest, total silence is highly desirable, honestly. Why not right now?

Turning the thought around: I am giving myself the silent treatment (no show, no response, no communication). 

Haha! Yes. I’m locked in on the stories of being ignored, or shunned, or avoided, or abandoned. My mind is full of horror stories of sadness, disappointment, loss, rejection. I’m feeding myself these images. I’m believing they’re true. I’m not communicating any love, responsiveness. I’m not showing up for me.

Turning it around again: That person is NOT giving me the silent treatment.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, I see how wonderful my life, and how full, in this very moment. No absence, no abandonment, unless I believe in it. I’m sitting in my favorite chair, in my gorgeous little cottage. I have friends and family to connect with who are super cool and very supportive.

Perhaps noise, or conversation, is not required in the moment.

It isn’t.

How do I know?

That’s what is happening. It’s reality.

Turning it around again: I am giving that other person the silent treatment.

I know this can feel untrue, given you have reached out and that other person is not responding.

How could it be just as true that YOU are being silent? What are you being silent about? What have you not shared? What have you withheld? Where have you not communicated, or shown up, or responded freely and honestly?

Oooooh.

I have not said the truth to that person many times. I haven’t reached out when I’ve been upset. I haven’t said when I’m genuinely angry. I haven’t spoken up about my own preferences, I haven’t spoken up or asked questions when I’m curious or confused. I haven’t said what scares me, or what I’d prefer to change about our relationship.

I haven’t shared honestly.

Who’s the person who’s given the Silent Treatment?

Oh. That would be me.

To myself, to the other person.

“This is the end of the war inside you. I’m a lover of reality. How do I know I’m better off with what is? It’s what is.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

We’ve been taught we’re being given the Silent Treatment and that this is VERY BAD.

But that’s a very fearful story.

Without this story, you may notice the reality that whatever is happening is Reality’s way: Support. A break. Quiet. Time to do The Work.

Without my story of being stood up, forgotten, given silence (oh bad)….I love reality.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come see how the problem is not you….it’s only your stressful thinking. Join me in the Immersion Class on August 22nd 8:30 am Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Click HEREto register.

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True Love Is Bittersweet

Recently when in silence meditating, an old face popped in my mind.

There she was, again.

I could see her smiling, the laughter we shared which was so much fun, the intelligent conversations over dinners.

My mind went into storyland and revisited several scenes. That was someone I really loved and enjoyed very dearly.

Then something happened. Suddenly she had shifted her approach towards me, accused me from a distance of outrageous things, and left me feeling shocked, puzzled, searching for how she could have been so mistaken.

The memories were strong enough to open a conversation with my husband later in the day, about whether or not there was anything I might do, any action I could take, anything I haven’t done yet to resolve or make contact or repair my part, even though years have gone by with no contact.

What I found after contemplating, looking, being open…

…is that there was nothing more to do, not right now.

I seemed to have incited her to rage, or jealousy, or attack, and now it had died down and really, the ball was very much in her court. I had already called her (several years ago) and left phone messages, written her emails and told her voicemail that I loved her and missed her.

What I got back was…..silence.

Who would I be without the thought that I need to do MORE, make it feel right, push for the dream connection and resolution like in the movies, drive a happy ending?

Who would I be without the belief that the way it was going was wrong?

Byron Katie has a great line she utters sometimes with people doing The Work….that when someone leaves you or says no to you….you’ve been spared!

Today, what I can continue to do is The Work around that confusing situation, when it pops back in.

Without the belief that something went terribly wrong…her face would pop in and I’d be delighted. I’d smile. I’d remember how fun that energy, that friendship, that connection was.

Even if someone you know dies, you can do this.

You can notice as you remember them a feeling inside of friendliness, of joy, of love….even in the middle of great sadness that you don’t talk anymore.

You can say “Oh, hi dad! How are the cosmos today?” or “remember that time when we….” or “hey, did you hear the one about ….?” when their image comes to mind.

It’s a little visitation from them.

“Grief, unresisted, is grace. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt anymore, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t rip your heart out….In great grief, there’s an incredible love in it. In love there’s a tinge of bitter. In true love. My teacher used to say ‘all love is bittersweet’. All things experienced fully, reveal their opposite.” ~ Adyashanti

Today from here, I feel deep appreciation even though in that friendship I experienced some of the greatest grief and confusion I’ve ever felt about a friend and what they did.

Bittersweet.

True love.

Ahhhh….

Much love, Grace

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Seeing Through Your Fear To Be Safe

The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you're telling is absolutely true?
The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you’re telling is absolutely true?

Her eyes brimmed with tears, she looked as if her heart was breaking and she was trying not to feel it.

A woman who had come to work with me was on skype, but we could see each other clearly, it was almost like being in person, even though she was across the Atlantic Ocean.

She had discovered her long-term partner had been paying for porn sites on the internet, going to places to buy sexual experience, and ran up debt feeding what seemed like an addiction to casual or sexual encounters with people he didn’t know.

She found out because of a pocket-dial. One of those weird times where the cell phone accidentally gets tapped, makes the call, and a voicemail is recorded.

She heard a long, strange 4 minute voicemail that sounded completely bizarre, and she had questions.

The questions led to more questions, realizing her partner was lying.

We’ve all had moments when it seems like someone isn’t telling the truth, or they’re telling the partial truth, or something doesn’t add up.

It’s sooooo easy to begin the barrage of thinking when betrayal, panic, fear arises.

You really believe something’s awful, and you’re terrified.

I remember having the same kind of experience myself.

I was trying to reach a man I was interested in by phone. He normally was very available. Almost always picked up the phone, we’d have long conversations. We weren’t even in a relationship….but I thought it was going in that direction.

It didn’t matter if it was called a relationship or not a relationship.

The dreamy elixir of addictive thinking was present.

I need him. I want him. He adores me. He wants me. This is thrilling. This is fabulous. This is giddy. I can’t wait for the next call.

I called back two hours later. No answer. I called back before bed. No answer. I texted the next day. No answer.

Five days later, he called and told me all about his sexcapades, illegal activity, strange dark unhappy environments.

Oh.

That’s the way it is.

And then a whole other pile of thoughts fly in like a tidal wave.

What an idiot I’ve been. I can’t believe I picked that person. He’s so wrong. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. I was so mistaken. This sucks.

Crash.

The world collapses. The dream is over.

But who would any of us be if we didn’t have the beliefs in either the ecstasy or the hell of love relationships? If we didn’t think they could save us, or kill us? If we didn’t cling to others, or avoid others?

Who would we BE without the belief that relationships offer something “special” whether it’s uplifting or earth-shattering?

Kinda weird, right?

What if we really investigated the beliefs that partnerships are such a big honkin’ deal?

Immediately, I find a middle road opening as if fog is parting, and there’s a path.

It’s OK to walk the path alone, it’s OK to walk the path holding someone’s hand, it’s OK to walk the path with a few close friends, it’s OK to walk the path with a whole group arm in arm together for awhile, and then alone again.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema Chodron

And so I began the journey with my client that day. The journey of taking a good look.

Remembering my own looking as we investigate together.

Turning everything around: I am not abandoned now, I abandoned myself in that situation, I am set free, I do not know where this is really going, things come and things go including relationships, things are torn apart, things are built up, there is movement, all is very well except in my thinking.

Could all these things be just as true, or truer?

Yes.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Much love, Grace

 

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The Dreadful Mistake You May Be Making About Your Enemy

Quite some time ago, I had a very dear friend who surprised me by something she did.

In a bad way.

Like a scene from a great Shakespeare tragedy, she misunderstood something about me and assumed the worst and decided the best way to handle it was to never speak to me again, without explanation or confrontation, and then get vicious.

She shouldn’t think I’m a dishonest person.

Is that true?

Yes! Yes! I am totally honest! She is WRONG about me! She got some kind of twisted, unclear information and…

Wait.

Answer the question.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that someone shouldn’t think poorly of you? Really?

No. People are allowed to think what they think. I have no idea why this unusual and strange situation appeared. It did.

How do you react when you believe that someone has the wrong idea about you? Or a completely distorted, maybe disturbed view of you?

I want to fix it! This is where the phrase comes from “I must clear my good name!”

I mean….people die in the movies clearing OTHER peoples’ good names, so I definitely need to prove mine. Right?

Inside, with this thought, is a feeling of deep sadness. Puzzled. Thinking “what did I do to make such a weird idea come out of her? Maybe I should have done it differently!”

Defensive, confused.

The urge to be thought well of, especially when someone appears to be saying things that aren’t even true, is strong. I feel separate from that other person, who seems to have gone a little nuts, or isn’t seeing things “right”.

Sigh.

Now the grand question….who would you be without the belief that someone shouldn’t think you are dishonest (or whatever you think they are thinking)?

As you hold that dear person’s face in your mind and heart, even if they’ve said terrible and mean things about you…who would you be right now if you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s a problem?

It’s not denial I’m talking about. It’s relaxing, in the presence of something that appears to be an attack.

Stepping to the side.

Laying down your defensive arms.

“So when you find yourself in a dark place where you’ve been countless, countless times, you can think maybe it’s time to get a little golden spade and dig myself out of this place.” ~ Pema Chodron

As Pema Chodron’s teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, said to her when she said she felt angry, depressed, and unhappy one day:

“You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Without the belief that someone should think better of me than they do, I notice the waves feel smaller.

In fact, I notice that in this room, in this moment as I remember my friend, there aren’t any waves.

I can think of her with great appreciation for how much fun we used to have, our long and thorough conversations, the sweet connection we had for about four years.

Turning the thought around: “she should think I’m dishonest.”

How is that good for me, for the world, that she thinks what she thinks?

Well, partly because of her assumptions, I retraced my steps and found I had done everything perfectly, by the book (and I didn’t even know it!) when it came to my career.

I have more free time, not getting together with her. I don’t like to spend money on restaurant food very much, or be around people who drink a lot of alcohol, so that’s eliminated.

And dishonest? I’ve withheld how I truly feel a thousand times to others, I’ve pretended I was sick to get out of doing something, I’ve made myself out to be less fearful than I really am.

I shouldn’t think she’s a dishonest person.

Oh. Wow.

She’s doing the best she can. Everyone is. I don’t know what’s going on over there, with her.

My perception of her is actually inside ME. It’s ME that’s got a trigger of sadness and upset at being thought poorly of….I haven’t talked with her in ages.

“You will be surprised to find that in most situations there’s nothing to deal with except for your own fears and desires. Fear and desire make everything seem so complicated. If you don’t have fear or desire about an event, there’s really nothing to deal with. You simply allow life to unfold and interact with it in a natural and rational manner.” ~ Michael Singer

I notice that when I’m believing I know what someone else should be thinking or feeling, it’s very, very stressful.

My only project is me, and my own thoughts and feelings. And even that is not really a project.

Now that’s easier….to make an understatement.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures (simplicity, patience and compassion) and become an enemy yourself. 

When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~ Tao Te Ching #69

That person who finds you less than wonderful?

Thank them for showing you what is needed to truly love unconditionally.

You don’t have to say it out loud, or even contact them. It’s for you.

You’ll be OK, it’s safe. You’ll be more than OK. Really.

Much love, Grace

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The Truth About Bitter Resentments

One of my favorite things about doing The Work, such a simple form of self-inquiry, is the first step.

Writing down all your vicious, nasty, mean thoughts of resentment about that other person, or that problem with food or money, or the way things are set up around here. 

You get to be a total brat. In fact, cuttin’ loose on those resentments can be quite cathartic. On paper. And it’s almost scary, even in this moment, to admit how that dark, frightened, defensive mind actually works. 

I hope that person burns in hell, I hope he fails disastrously and loses all his money and possessions, I hope she suffers and dies, I hope they get hit by a meteor, I hope they kill each other in misery, I hope they get what they deserve.

Then almost tied like a feather to the very same thoughts….sadness, grief, shame.

What’s wrong with me, that I’m so upset. I should take the high road. 

One time, early on in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs, I decided that I would write a massively, wildly, unabashedly shameful worksheet. I would tell the truth on it. 

I would write out how much I hated that person for real.

After completing a barrage of rage against the person as I held them in my memory, all written on paper, I paused as I re-read my words. Then, I suddenly realized….nothing I wrote on there was actually truly satisfying. It’s like I couldn’t really, really, really find words mean enough to describe the hatred I was feeling. 

And what I DID have written on the worksheet was questionable.  

Did I really want that person to rot in hell, burning with suffering forever for what they had done? To me?

Instead of so quickly condemning yourself for being such a mean, rotten, hurt, horrible, judgmental person….it is powerful to allow yourself to sit in those angry words and see if you really think of them as true.

People who steal, betray, or attack you (or others) are really great candidates for these kinds of raging worksheets. 

The ones whose fault it is that you’re not happy now. 

This is allowing that voice that is a total victim, who likes to blame, who wants revenge or resolution, to have it’s say. It’s there for a reason. Instead of suppressing it and feeling like a really horrible bad mean person….if you do….for even THINKING this way, why not go for it?

Because for me, it didn’t really work all that well to hold everything in and smash down my anger. I’d usually end up overeating later on. Turning and facing the actual base energy worked MUCH better, it turned out.

So let’s take a look, at a really mean thought, letting it be as it is–outraged!

He should suffer, rot in hell and die. He should never be happy. He should HURT.

Is that true?

No. Of course not. But let it be OK if YOU secretly answered “yes”. It’s called being mad. And terrified. Blowing energy outward in every direction. A big, chaotic scream. 

How do you react when you feel that extreme rage? When you have visions of that person dying, suffering, losing everything?

I know that for me….I felt HORRIBLE. I myself felt crushed, confused about where to put my anger, lost, desperate, beaten. I sat here with the feelings. I noticed they didn’t feel good. They felt like an implosion, sort of sickening, and furious.

So who would you be without that belief? Without the thought that someone else should suffer, hurt, or remain unhappy…forever?

Happy, lighter, kind…….GRATEFUL.

Turning the thought around, I see that person should heal, multiply in heaven and live! He should always be happy. He should not hurt.

Now that’s truly exciting. And true. 

“At each step and with each breath we are given the option of acting and responding, both inwardly and outwardly, from the conditioning of egoic consciousness which values control and separation above all else, or from the intuitive awareness of unity which resides in the inner silence of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

Could it be that as I think vengeful thoughts towards someone, or others, that I feel pain towards myself?

I hope that I burn in hell, I hope I fail disastrously and lose all my money and possessions, I hope I suffer and die, I hope I get hit by a meteor, I hope I kill myself in misery, I hope I get what I deserve.

Could any of these be gifts, or absurdities, or unimportant, or not that bad after all? Just a scenario the mind is making up, with its exquisite imagination?

Ha ha, kind of crazy….but opening to these options, without terror….is funny. 

“The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.” ~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Every person who ever “hurt” me taught me the most incredible things. Sitting in what they did, what I did, what happened….there is nothing but profound gratitude. Not because gratitude is the “right” thing to feel. 

It is what remains after inquiry. 

Much love, Grace

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They’re Trying To Cheat Me

Right now I’m sitting on a small porch of a bungalow hut with woven thatched roof while a gecko hangs out near me on the railing.

I had the odd experience of remembering several old friends today, people I haven’t talked with or seen in a long time.

As I sit here in the dark, warm night with the ocean not far away and sand still on my feet, I especially remember one dear friendship.

That mean, nasty, betraying, lying woman! I thought she was one of my best friends!

And she did the most outrageous, soap-opera-like, immature, sneaky, crazy thing….and it REALLY HURT.

Insert here a long sob story about what happened, what she did, how I responded, how terribly I was hurt, and all the pain, sadness, and angst it caused that was so extremely unnecessary.

But wait. How about skipping the story, and finding the wisdom and advantage and freedom in what occurred?

How about thinking about why this could have happened, right when it did, that was of benefit to all involved….especially me?

When someone seems to “betray” you or con you or trick you or lie to you…could there be any possibility of things going this way for a good reason?

Human beings are supposed to be honest, kind and loving. They should be trustworthy. They shouldn’t be creepy and double-cross other people. They shouldn’t try to fool me and charge me more because I’m a foreigner!

Is this true?

Um, that would be “no”. Because it’s obvious that while humans are honest, kind and loving, they are also dishonest, unkind and unloving. Everyone is it seems.

If I really attempt to find examples of how it was a good thing that the person did what they did, and I find these examples with great honesty and openness, I can find that positive things came out of what I was perceiving as betrayal:

  • I know so much now about money, business, clauses, rules, requirements, licenses…that I am more confident and clearer than ever about my professional status
  • I see how much trouble I had in saying “no” many times over the course of my life (and that friendship)–I was afraid to speak up! Now I’m looking more closely at this than ever.
  • All those times where I kept my feelings and thoughts to myself rather than share them…oh boy I was scared. Now I share anyway.
  • I haven’t liked confronting other human beings, I’m afraid they’ll hurt me, leave me, hate me. So I risked NOT asking for what I really want. Now I do.
  • I can stand in that person’s shoes, who is likely aware of how much money I had to spend to fly here to this country, and get that they think I have lots of money. I do compared to them.

I see once again how being upset at someone doing something surprising, that appears to be harmful to me, is a call to me to inquire…. and relax!

Instead, if I welcome people lying to and cheating on me…if I am willing to have it be true….if I look forward to it, open my arms to it, and begin to find advantages to it….

….then I feel strong, powerful, kind, steady, loving towards myself, responsible, curious, interested, aware.

I speak up and ask for what I really really want. I stand up for myself easily.

If someone says “no, I can’t give you that” then I appreciate them for being so honest…..and move on to the next person.

“You don’t get to vote on what is. Have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I would love to hear your advantages, the things that came out of your experience of betrayal that were positive for you….leave a comment over at my website.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting to inquire, look at your thinking in a new, open-minded way, and dissolve resentment about being betrayed, ever, then come join us on Tuesdays for a Year of Inquiry. Group support, persistence, learning, insight. Awesome!

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Getting Crucified Has Its Advantages

The concept of “decisions” and how we make them is very complex and seems to have many underlying beliefs, often stressful, for many people.

A little child sees a huge store window full of toys and her grandma says “let’s go inside and choose one”.  But every single toy looks so fabulous!

Have you ever been with a kid who was taking too long to decide?

One of my good friends used to be very upset with all the people in lines waiting at the sandwich shop. If they got to the counter, after all that waiting, and hesitated or had questions about the menu, ARRRRGGGHH.

Just pick something! Choose!

The thing is, decisions only become “critical” when there seems to be a lot at stake. I am going to choose this action, and there will be consequences that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things…..

OR, I am going to choose this other action, and there will be BIG changes afterwards.

The more there seems to be at stake, the bigger the worry, fear, anxiety, frustration….the more we write lists of pros and cons and wring our hands.

Should I stay here or should I move to another country? More thinking about it.

Should I order the salmon or the pasta? Less thinking about it.

Should I try to quit smoking again? Should I take my coat with me? Should I say I want a divorce? Should I buy the brown couch or the gray couch? Should I ask her out?

When I was a teenager, after I became aware that sometimes humans do odd things that appear to be out of their usual kind nature, I remember wondering what Peter or Judas were thinking when they decided to “betray” Jesus in the stories in the bible.

Both these men spent a ton of time with Jesus and admired him, loved him, appreciated him…as the story goes.

And then something happened. Whether it was hunger for wealth, or fear of being associated with that radical guy, or jealousy, or misunderstanding Jesus’ message or words, or competition…..whatever it was that was bothering them drove them to make decisions that would change the course of the lives of everyone involved.

Loss, suffering, death, goin’ down in history as the ones who dissed their buddy.

But did they personally actually make those decisions?

It’s not like they planned out the future and said, “there’s going to come a time when I will throw Jesus under a bus”.

It just worked out that way. They didn’t enjoy it. In fact, it was quite agonizing, so the story goes. They surprised themselves with their own behavior.

Who would you rather be, the guy who got betrayed, or the betrayer? As Byron Katie asks sometimes, who would you rather be, the perpetrator, or the victim?

When something bad happens that we think is because someone else was wrong, someone else betrayed us, abandoned us, lied, embellished, tricked, made up rumors, gossiped, was abusive, violent, manipulated the situation….the Threatened Mind Committee can have a field day.

When something difficult happens that appears to be caused by someone else, the first level of reaction is usually to think that the person who took action against someone else is crazy, twisted, wrong, very confused, or has some kind of disorder.

Often, people have this kind of feeling towards a lover or spouse who leaves them.

That person who ditched their partner is judged as fearful, a bit mixed up, unskilled, immature, unhappy, full of distrust, suspicious. Maybe they are an addict, maybe they don’t know any better based on their family background.

The trouble with looking at the other person as if they have a major problem is that the Threatened Mind Committee will involve YOU in the attack. Some of the voices will think it’s YOUR fault, that YOU are the stupid, ignorant, unlovable, unworthy, messed up, victimized, weak, gullible person.

And more importantly, the trouble with looking at the other person with any anger or sadness or fear AT ALL, is that it puts you in prison internally…..ready to defend, get justice, fight, return the blow.

But I notice as that if I stop and wait, and open myself to the possibility of questioning every painful thought that streaks through my consciousness, then I have a chance to be free.

“Defense is the first act of war”~Byron Katie

What happens when you center yourself and start to question your stressful thinking?

You don’t defend yourself. You don’t get all riled up (as much). You may even remember right in the moment when someone leaves you, betrays you, or makes statements against you, that this it is OK that this is happening.

You may find the part of you that’s like Jesus. Willing, able, fearless, innocent, and totally accepting of the outcome. Ready to live in peace, without an ego-centered point of reference.

Who would you be without the thought that you have ever been betrayed?

“My safety lies in my defenselessness”~A Course In Miracles

Without the thought that I have been betrayed, I am not afraid. I trust. I have the courage to let go. I let life have me, there is no struggle, there is just movement here or there.

I turn the thought around that I was betrayed, that its possible for bad decisions to get made by other people.

My thinking is betraying me, I am betraying myself, I am betraying this person who I believe is doing the betraying, with my thoughts of fear and anger. 

Is there any possible way this thing that happened is a good thing?

Wow. There is a complete turnaround, an opportunity, of momentous power here. What I have always asked for, as I live and breathe each day, is that love engulfs me, and my urge to BE IMPORTANT dies, and that I surrender to the universe instead of arguing with it. That happens when I find turnarounds to stressful thoughts.

What did I get when my former husband left?

Silent time alone in the house, playing the piano for more hours than I had in 15 years, picking up the guitar again to learn new songs, signing up for classes in Qigong and meditation, new friends, new work.

What I have always asked for is to be with God/ Source/ Chaos/ Death/ Endings/ Beginnings/ Mystery without a ME controlling it all, or trying to, and using a lot of energy.

Yes, I wanted the upheaval, the new connections, to drop the old ways, to change. That is what it took.

 “Believe me, there cannot be too much destruction.”~Nisargadatta

Who would I be without the thought that anybody ever did me wrong?

 “You can get out by simply by letting everyday life take down the walls you hold around yourself. You simply don’t participate in supporting, maintaining, and defending your fortress.”~Michael Singer

Everyday life is gifting me with freedom…even if it scares me to the bones. That person who left, who betrayed, who challenged me, who incited my anger, who blamed me, who criticized me….they are the most amazing assistants for knocking out that tight little identity I think is me.

Getting crucified may hurt, but what comes after is life without a story. And pure gratitude.

Love, Grace