The concept of “decisions” and how we make them is very complex and seems to have many underlying beliefs, often stressful, for many people.
A little child sees a huge store window full of toys and her grandma says “let’s go inside and choose one”. But every single toy looks so fabulous!
Have you ever been with a kid who was taking too long to decide?
One of my good friends used to be very upset with all the people in lines waiting at the sandwich shop. If they got to the counter, after all that waiting, and hesitated or had questions about the menu, ARRRRGGGHH.
Just pick something! Choose!
The thing is, decisions only become “critical” when there seems to be a lot at stake. I am going to choose this action, and there will be consequences that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things…..
OR, I am going to choose this other action, and there will be BIG changes afterwards.
The more there seems to be at stake, the bigger the worry, fear, anxiety, frustration….the more we write lists of pros and cons and wring our hands.
Should I stay here or should I move to another country? More thinking about it.
Should I order the salmon or the pasta? Less thinking about it.
Should I try to quit smoking again? Should I take my coat with me? Should I say I want a divorce? Should I buy the brown couch or the gray couch? Should I ask her out?
When I was a teenager, after I became aware that sometimes humans do odd things that appear to be out of their usual kind nature, I remember wondering what Peter or Judas were thinking when they decided to “betray” Jesus in the stories in the bible.
Both these men spent a ton of time with Jesus and admired him, loved him, appreciated him…as the story goes.
And then something happened. Whether it was hunger for wealth, or fear of being associated with that radical guy, or jealousy, or misunderstanding Jesus’ message or words, or competition…..whatever it was that was bothering them drove them to make decisions that would change the course of the lives of everyone involved.
Loss, suffering, death, goin’ down in history as the ones who dissed their buddy.
But did they personally actually make those decisions?
It’s not like they planned out the future and said, “there’s going to come a time when I will throw Jesus under a bus”.
It just worked out that way. They didn’t enjoy it. In fact, it was quite agonizing, so the story goes. They surprised themselves with their own behavior.
Who would you rather be, the guy who got betrayed, or the betrayer? As Byron Katie asks sometimes, who would you rather be, the perpetrator, or the victim?
When something bad happens that we think is because someone else was wrong, someone else betrayed us, abandoned us, lied, embellished, tricked, made up rumors, gossiped, was abusive, violent, manipulated the situation….the Threatened Mind Committee can have a field day.
When something difficult happens that appears to be caused by someone else, the first level of reaction is usually to think that the person who took action against someone else is crazy, twisted, wrong, very confused, or has some kind of disorder.
Often, people have this kind of feeling towards a lover or spouse who leaves them.
That person who ditched their partner is judged as fearful, a bit mixed up, unskilled, immature, unhappy, full of distrust, suspicious. Maybe they are an addict, maybe they don’t know any better based on their family background.
The trouble with looking at the other person as if they have a major problem is that the Threatened Mind Committee will involve YOU in the attack. Some of the voices will think it’s YOUR fault, that YOU are the stupid, ignorant, unlovable, unworthy, messed up, victimized, weak, gullible person.
And more importantly, the trouble with looking at the other person with any anger or sadness or fear AT ALL, is that it puts you in prison internally…..ready to defend, get justice, fight, return the blow.
But I notice as that if I stop and wait, and open myself to the possibility of questioning every painful thought that streaks through my consciousness, then I have a chance to be free.
“Defense is the first act of war”~Byron Katie
What happens when you center yourself and start to question your stressful thinking?
You don’t defend yourself. You don’t get all riled up (as much). You may even remember right in the moment when someone leaves you, betrays you, or makes statements against you, that this it is OK that this is happening.
You may find the part of you that’s like Jesus. Willing, able, fearless, innocent, and totally accepting of the outcome. Ready to live in peace, without an ego-centered point of reference.
Who would you be without the thought that you have ever been betrayed?
“My safety lies in my defenselessness”~A Course In Miracles
Without the thought that I have been betrayed, I am not afraid. I trust. I have the courage to let go. I let life have me, there is no struggle, there is just movement here or there.
I turn the thought around that I was betrayed, that its possible for bad decisions to get made by other people.
My thinking is betraying me, I am betraying myself, I am betraying this person who I believe is doing the betraying, with my thoughts of fear and anger.
Is there any possible way this thing that happened is a good thing?
Wow. There is a complete turnaround, an opportunity, of momentous power here. What I have always asked for, as I live and breathe each day, is that love engulfs me, and my urge to BE IMPORTANT dies, and that I surrender to the universe instead of arguing with it. That happens when I find turnarounds to stressful thoughts.
What did I get when my former husband left?
Silent time alone in the house, playing the piano for more hours than I had in 15 years, picking up the guitar again to learn new songs, signing up for classes in Qigong and meditation, new friends, new work.
What I have always asked for is to be with God/ Source/ Chaos/ Death/ Endings/ Beginnings/ Mystery without a ME controlling it all, or trying to, and using a lot of energy.
Yes, I wanted the upheaval, the new connections, to drop the old ways, to change. That is what it took.
“Believe me, there cannot be too much destruction.”~Nisargadatta
Who would I be without the thought that anybody ever did me wrong?
“You can get out by simply by letting everyday life take down the walls you hold around yourself. You simply don’t participate in supporting, maintaining, and defending your fortress.”~Michael Singer
Everyday life is gifting me with freedom…even if it scares me to the bones. That person who left, who betrayed, who challenged me, who incited my anger, who blamed me, who criticized me….they are the most amazing assistants for knocking out that tight little identity I think is me.
Getting crucified may hurt, but what comes after is life without a story. And pure gratitude.
Love, Grace