The feelings of guilt and shame are dark and disabling for many people.
I shouldn’t have done that, if only I had seen it coming, I wish I would have been more aware at the time, I didn’t pay attention to the clues, that person was too much for me, I handled that so poorly, I must have done something wrong, I made a mistake, I tried to help but it didn’t work, I guess I’m not good enough…
It’s a sick feeling in the stomach. Or for some people, pure terror coursing through the body.
At least that’s what I’ve discovered so far, when I’ve felt guilty…
…it’s a sense that I want to “fix” it, become re-connected with someone, know that all is well and everyone feels happy.
Even if there is nothing to actually FIX.
“Guilt. Punishing yourself before God doesn’t.” ~ Alan Cohen
Several years ago I was a part of a project where a woman made a speech at a meeting about all the sneaky, lying people who smoked cigarettes but said they were non-smokers.
It was so weird…I was walking after the meeting and thought I saw her on the street, and suddenly panicked and felt like she was boring her eyes into me to find that secret cigarette behind my back, even though I hadn’t smoked in 25 years.
The definition of guilt in the dictionary means criminal, morally delinquent, wicked, charged, responsible for.
Have you ever felt like it was your fault that someone got upset? That someone is suffering, and you had something to do with it?
“I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?” ~ John Steinbeck
Troubling beliefs producing guilt are tricky, and a really, really, really good ones to question.
I need to do everything I possibly can to help that suffering person, fix it, make amends, bring peace, make up for it, ease the pain. I need to prove that I am one of the GOOD people.
When I was in a very vulnerable period of life transition (divorce) I befriended two different people who every time I got together with them, afterwards I’d feel lousy.
I did The Work many times on both. They were incredible teachers.
They were also both suffering deeply. One with mental illness, one with having an affair and questioning their marriage.
I was such a good listener. I was THERE for them. I found them fascinating, really. Brilliant people, a little crazy, exciting. We laughed hard.
But I realized there was one person I was not actually listening to well at all, one person I was disrespecting and ignoring.
Me.
Only a couple of years ago, I did it again very briefly: I played the role of the good, kind, easy-going, all-accepting human….to a raving alcoholic addict.
In all of these relationships, I’d feel very uneasy, like I couldn’t speak up, or have a truly vulnerable, direct conversation.
These people all had secrets.
I’d also feel pumped up with pride at my amazing people-skills….the kind of people-skills that make Someone Else, NOT ME, feel good when they are around me, when they are in my presence.
Isn’t that what good, kind, loving people do? Don’t they help others feel better, ease the pain of the world, offer safe-haven? Aren’t they positive lights for everyone they encounter?
Let’s question this one.
I need to be positive, help, support, fix, ease the pain, offer love, bring happiness…and this means not speaking up, not saying I don’t support what they’re doing.
Is that true?
Yes, I grew up with the Sound of Music, Jesus, angels and church and learning not to be “selfish”.
Of course that’s my goal, of course I need to be kind, helpful, supportive, loving!
When I’m not, I feel guilty and I need get to work on it immediately and get an attitude adjustment!
But can you absolutely know that its true?
Do you really need or even want to be helpful, positive, supportive, fix problems, ease the pain, offer love, and bring happiness to those around you…and are you sure it looks the way you think it looks?
Are you sure you have to WORK at this, do the “right thing”? Are you sure you’re not OK all by yourself, without being some kind of awesome super-human being?
Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, it’s a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling that says this: If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.” ~ Brene Brown
I know that how I react when I believe that I need to be super-loving-supporter good brilliant friend is that I don’t say no, I smile, I stay on the phone longer than I want, I feel doubt and worry.
And who would I be without the thought that I need to ease peoples’ pain, offer support, be loving…and that this means not saying what I really think out loud?
Who would I really be without the thought that I need to be a Good Person?
Dang, it’s *F*A*N*T*A*S*T*I*C*.
It’s vulnerable, but real. I feel alive, excited, free and so very honest and authentic.
I could die tomorrow, I have such intimacy with what is here today. I am including the voice inside me that knows what true love really is…it does not have to be careful.
I turn the thought around that I have to be supportive, loving and kind (and that looks like “x”).
I do not have to help or be supportive. I do not have to listen. I do not have to be nice, kind, perfect, easy-going, self-less, or say yes. Ever.
I can notice that I’m a part of a great connected atmosphere….and that when people are yelling and looking for a criminal and they knock on my door, it’s OK that I feel big feelings of fear run through me, even if I didn’t do it.
I can question my beliefs of what is good, bad and follow integrity, true integrity.
“You know all that little ego stuff? That’s gotta go. Which is fortunate. Is wonderful. Because at least then, there is no question, there is no doubt, that when you let go of the egoic self, there’s no doubt what there is. What there IS, is what you ARE, and what you ARE, is about the most wonderful place you could fall back into. So at least you know THAT. You know that when you let go of the egoic self, what you’re getting in exchange is the whole universe, you’re getting all of existence.” ~ Adyashanti
Thank you to the people who I encountered who pushed me to be truthful, to be a mean girl, to be powerful, to say goodbye.
Every one of them helped destroy some of that “ego stuff”. My image of myself as Good, Helpful, Support-Genius.
All that’s left here is joy, gratitude, emptiness.
Much Love, Grace