The other day I was reading a book.
(I know! Get off my back! I’m working on the whole must-gather-more-information-and-read-endlessly addiction thing! Just give me a little more time!)
Anyway.
There was a passage suggesting that when we are tolerating other people….it’s actually a very sneaky and troubling separation tactic.
So many campaigns by governments, schools, neighborhoods, groups that sound positive, reasonable, and important that use either being for or against it: “TOLERANCE” or “ZERO-TOLERANCE”.
“Tolerance is a very dull virtue. It is boring. Unlike love, it has always had a bad press. It is negative. It merely means putting up with people, being able to stand things.” ~ E.M. Forster
As I read, I could see how deciding to tolerate someone, or a group of people, looked like an effort to control ones words, or feelings, in the presence of Those People.
Tolerate actually is defined in the dictionary as to let, permit, allow, suffer.
I could see that being tolerant might be a form of keeping oneself from exploding or getting upset, or crying or fuming in frustration, or showing how scared you are.
But as I was breeezin’ past this idea like a freight train leaving the dust behind…it dawned on me…uh oh.
YOU do this, Grace. There are actually some people that you, er, “tolerate”.
In other words, there is a part of me that is a bit nervous around them. Or, I want to plug my ears when I hear their voice. Or, I’m thinking things about them that I don’t actually SAY out loud. Ever.
Sigh.
Have you ever been in a meditation retreat and here comes the guy who already shared yesterday? Yada Yada, we already know you’re whole long story, just ask your question!
Or the other guy who always has such a bossy, commanding, pleading request for me to volunteer again for his group.
Something inside me, as I drove my car, tuned in to this very small objection to those Other People…who really are not threatening, or close, and who don’t cross paths with me very often.
Yes…time to do The Work on THEM.
Watching to see where I believe that my only option is to tolerate…not to actually love, connect, and know that I am really similar to them.
So I begin: he should stop pestering me on the phone.
(He’s only called me 3 times in the last year…but we’ll go ahead and call itpestering, since that’s what this mind came up with).
I don’t like his tactics, he’s too pushy, if I said what I really feel I’d look mean or frightened, he creeps me out, he should take a hint and leave me alone, he should stop calling, and I need to be accepting and tolerant!
Is it true? Really?
Yes! How will we all get along in society unless we tolerate each other? I need to politely say no and go away.
Because he’s too pushy.
Are you sure you need to just be polite and exit the situation? Are you positivehe is pushy? Is that what you really want? Is that the way you really want to live?
Are you absolutely positive there’s no way to connect more deeply with this human being?
How do I react when I believe the thought that when someone’s voice or energy bothers me, I need to tolerate them, withdraw, avoid?
I’m believing they are dangerous somehow, that I need to be careful. When I think I need to tolerate that person, or those people, I do feel superior. I feel like I am better, different.
I’m not happy. Definitely not peaceful.
Some part of me wants to be kind, nice, gentle and easy. I want to be liked.
Once, I was at a conference and shared a room with another attendee, to save money.
She invited other attendees over for cocktails. I went to sleep with a pillow over my head while they talked and drank until 2 or 3 am.
I know that I’m a very quick and deep sleeper and mostly was sleeping, but turned over many times because of laughter, lights on, noise.
I was in pure mute Tolerant Mode. Not willing to say “could you move this party?”
How do I react when I believe that I want to be liked, or someone is a little creepy or dangerous, or I don’t know them so I have to be careful?
I’m powerless, a victim, I am distrusting, stuck, surviving, looking down my nose at them, rolling my eyes…..not thriving or free!
Who would I be without the thought that my only option with someone is to tolerate them?
So much more honest. Real. Willing to speak even though my heart is beating, and my arms are shaking and I have sweaty armpits.
Without the thought that I have to be careful…I tell the truth.
Turning the thoughts around, I find that I do not need to tolerate. That’s not good enough for me.
I don’t like my tactics, I’m too pushy with myself, if I am mean or frightened it’s honest—I’m not all peaceful all the time, I creep myself out with my images of bad stuff that might happen if I’m real, I should take a hint and leave myself alone and leave him alone by stopping blaming him for my being scared, I should stop calling myself and pestering myself to be accepting and tolerant!
Who would I be without the thought that it’s not safe to speak up, that I have to tolerate the situation?
A relief, but also a little scary, pushing beyond my usual safety zone. I’m taking a step into a unknown, mysterious universe, not a terrifying one that needs to be tolerated.
“Most people tell you they want to get out of kindergarten, but don’t believe them. Don’t believe them! All they want you to do is to mend their broken toys. ‘Give me back my wife. Give me back my job. Give me back my money. Give me back my reputation, my success.’ This is what they want; they want their toys replaced.” ~ Anthony DeMello
I am willing to give up any reputation, image, or identity I have with being nice, tolerant, kind, gentle, forgiving, easy-going.
I am willing to expose that I am scared and nervous chicken sometimes.
I look forward to speaking up, with kindness, directly, to connect for reals, to say the hard stuff.
“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. ‘If I felt completely peaceful,’ they say, ‘why would I bother taking action at all?’ My answer is ‘Because that’s what love does.’ To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become.” ~ Byron Katie
Every single time I say it, things turn out better than I ever dreamed of, even when it didn’t seem like it at first.
“Many people would be surprised that, in fact, I’m quite shy.” ~ Desmond Tutu
Love, Grace