Not long ago I received a letter from an inquirer who had a long relationship with a lover that she thought of as volatile, like a roller coaster ride.
In fact, the writer had married the person in question not once, but twice. And divorced twice as well.
Even if this is not common to actually go through the ceremonies and the business legalities of marriage and divorce twice with one person…many of us know what its like to have what feels like a whacked relationship with someone.
Well, OK, I personally remember what it was like. In the experience, it felt like torture.
Too dramatic. The bliss, the hell, the peaks, the valleys.
The woman who wrote me set up an appointment to do The Work. She was in a new so-called “committed” relationship…and it was starting to smell like that old one.
She was feeling familiar pain, about not liking the way this partner was in certain really important areas: money, work and parenting.
I am not making fun of “committed” relationships when I say “so-called”…
….I say “so-called” because when I began to look at relationships and what we are calling one, what society is calling one, what I am calling one, what my neighbor is calling one, what the government is calling one….what defines a “relationship” becomes really murky.
It’s funny how many of us enjoy bonding with one other person (sometimes its called monogamy) and experiencing a very long exploration or journey with that one person.
It’s also true that many of us humans enjoy bonding with multiple different people.
I remember once a client came to work with me, such a sweet young man. He was living on a big college campus where polyamory was en vogue. In other words, the social rules were that the coolest people were sexual with anyone they wanted, any time, with no boundaries or objections.
This dear young man was trying really hard to be polyamorous, but he kept having trouble because he kept liking just one woman and wanting to connect and reconnect with primarily her, over and over.
I had to chuckle inside just a bit because I thought, wow, the construct for what is considered cool has swung clear over into another camp. In his mind, he wasn’t cool if he was monogamous!
But really, the suffering was not in whatever the social norm was, or what was considered cool or uncool, what you were or were not open to….the suffering came from him believing thoughts like this:
- I shouldn’t like what I like, it’s wrong
- I should be different than I am, my desires are bad
- my preferences are too ____ (rigid, loose, boring, greedy, big, small)
- the only place I could get satisfied is over there (even if over there is not available)
- I am not satisfied here, with myself
- that person I’m “with” should be better at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes
GOSH. What could we do with such stressful thoughts?
Of course, I found that a wonderful way to look at the process of “being” in a relationship that feels difficult, however that is defined, is to take out that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and really read that objectionable person (NOT YOU) the riot act.
On paper. Don’t actually read it to them!
(Unless they understand the process of The Work and want to go for it with you).
Write down what you are really, really upset about. Write what you think they should do, or say, or think, or feel.
I am upset because my boyfriend is attracted to so many other women! I am upset because she is open to being sexual with multiple other partners! I am upset because he has no job! I am upset because she has no money! I am upset because I am single!
After you do The Work on this….really questioning, weeding through it, examining your ideas and beliefs in lack, unhappiness, fear….
….you may find that you wind up where you started, with your same preference for chocolate, but not against vanilla anymore.
It’s a waaaaaay different way to be with yourself, in love with yourself, in love with your own preferences and what brings you joy.
Without people who have entirely different preferences being mistaken, wrong, condemned, or bad.
Without trying to make yourself different!
Who would you be without the thought that there is something wrong with your relationship, with the person you’ve been interested in, with what has occurred so far in the learning between the two of you?
“My legs are on the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. One person may think, how unladylike; another might think, how comfortable. But with or without the thoughts, my legs are in the perfect position. And then I notice they uncross, and then they cross again, as I watch the movie of life, frame by frame: perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection. There is no frame you could freeze and look at that wouldn’t be the way of its perfect self. Only the mind that believes what it thinks is capable of creating imperfection.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the thought that something is unladylike, or something is comfortable, or something is right, something is wrong…..as I look at my relationship with that person, I watch the movie of life.
I cross paths with them, I uncross paths with them. Without stressful thoughts, my world is stunning whether with them or without them.
Without my beliefs about that Difficult Person, I found that I relaxed. I was suddenly in the present moment. Here. No past to obsess over. No argument with what happened yesterday.
I found that I could enter the turnarounds finally, with peace:
- I should like exactly what I like, it’s right (as long as it is)
- I shouldn’t be different than I am, my desires are wonderful
- my preferences are just right for me, they teach me, they live for a reason
- satisfaction is here, now, in this present moment no matter who I am with or where I am
- I am totally satisfied with me, myself and I. I am the love of my life!
- I should be good at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes—or notice and enjoy and hire those who are, or not.
For me, as I opened to all formats, possibilities, people and the ways they build their relationships, I noticed where I felt in integrity, out of integrity, where it was easy or not so easy for me, where was just right for my own evolution.
“I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie
I love knowing that instead of being against that Other Person that I can simply question my beliefs, and move with rest and ease towards what I prefer.
There is no feeling of lack or being abandoned, or being sad (and if there is, I can question my thinking).
“Happiness is being allowed to be happy. Happiness is acknowledging it can never be wrong to be happy. Happiness is knowing you will be happy in the future. Happiness is realizing that there could never be a time when you should be unhappy. Happiness is what is left when you stop believing you have to be unhappy. Happiness is knowing it is okay to be happy.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico
Do The Work, question your stressful beliefs, and enjoy yourself.
It may be more fun than you ever imagined.
And if there’s someone you’re having trouble with…join the Thursday 8 week class Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. You can work on mother, father, son, daughter, boss, neighbor…doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.
Love, Grace
Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).
Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.