Tag: difficult personalities

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Be Happy With Your Preferences

Not long ago I received a letter from an inquirer who had a long relationship with a lover that she thought of as volatile, like a roller coaster ride.

In fact, the writer had married the person in question not once, but twice. And divorced twice as well.

Even if this is not common to actually go through the ceremonies and the business legalities of marriage and divorce twice with one person…many of us know what its like to have what feels like a whacked relationship with someone.

Well, OK, I personally remember what it was like. In the experience, it felt like torture.

Too dramatic. The bliss, the hell, the peaks, the valleys.

The woman who wrote me set up an appointment to do The Work. She was in a new so-called “committed” relationship…and it was starting to smell like that old one.

She was feeling familiar pain, about not liking the way this partner was in certain really important areas: money, work and parenting.

I am not making fun of “committed” relationships when I say “so-called”…

….I say “so-called” because when I began to look at relationships and what we are calling one, what society is calling one, what I am calling one, what my neighbor is calling one, what the government is calling one….what defines a “relationship” becomes really murky.

It’s funny how many of us enjoy bonding with one other person (sometimes its called monogamy) and experiencing a very long exploration or journey with that one person.

It’s also true that many of us humans enjoy bonding with multiple different people.

I remember once a client came to work with me, such a sweet young man. He was living on a big college campus where polyamory was en vogue. In other words, the social rules were that the coolest people were sexual with anyone they wanted, any time, with no boundaries or objections.

This dear young man was trying really hard to be polyamorous, but he kept having trouble because he kept liking just one woman and wanting to connect and reconnect with primarily her, over and over.

I had to chuckle inside just a bit because I thought, wow, the construct for what is considered cool has swung clear over into another camp. In his mind, he wasn’t cool if he was monogamous!

But really, the suffering was not in whatever the social norm was, or what was considered cool or uncool, what you were or were not open to….the suffering came from him believing thoughts like this:

  • I shouldn’t like what I like, it’s wrong
  • I should be different than I am, my desires are bad
  • my preferences are too ____ (rigid, loose, boring, greedy, big, small)
  • the only place I could get satisfied is over there (even if over there is not available)
  • I am not satisfied here, with myself
  • that person I’m “with” should be better at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes

GOSH. What could we do with such stressful thoughts?

Of course, I found that a wonderful way to look at the process of “being” in a relationship that feels difficult, however that is defined, is to take out that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and really read that objectionable person (NOT YOU) the riot act.

On paper. Don’t actually read it to them!

(Unless they understand the process of The Work and want to go for it with you).

Write down what you are really, really upset about. Write what you think they should do, or say, or think, or feel.

I am upset because my boyfriend is attracted to so many other women! I am upset because she is open to being sexual with multiple other partners! I am upset because he has no job! I am upset because she has no money! I am upset because I am single!

After you do The Work on this….really questioning, weeding through it, examining your ideas and beliefs in lack, unhappiness, fear….

….you may find that you wind up where you started, with your same preference for chocolate, but not against vanilla anymore.

It’s a waaaaaay different way to be with yourself, in love with yourself, in love with your own preferences and what brings you joy.

Without people who have entirely different preferences being mistaken, wrong, condemned, or bad.

Without trying to make yourself different!

Who would you be without the thought that there is something wrong with your relationship, with the person you’ve been interested in, with what has occurred so far in the learning between the two of you?

“My legs are on the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. One person may think, how unladylike; another might think, how comfortable. But with or without the thoughts, my legs are in the perfect position. And then I notice they uncross, and then they cross again, as I watch the movie of life, frame by frame: perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection. There is no frame you could freeze and look at that wouldn’t be the way of its perfect self. Only the mind that believes what it thinks is capable of creating imperfection.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is unladylike, or something is comfortable, or something is right, something is wrong…..as I look at my relationship with that person, I watch the movie of life.

I cross paths with them, I uncross paths with them. Without stressful thoughts, my world is stunning whether with them or without them.

Without my beliefs about that Difficult Person, I found that I relaxed. I was suddenly in the present moment. Here. No past to obsess over. No argument with what happened yesterday.

I found that I could enter the turnarounds finally, with peace:

  • I should like exactly what I like, it’s right (as long as it is)
  • I shouldn’t be different than I am, my desires are wonderful
  • my preferences are just right for me, they teach me, they live for a reason
  • satisfaction is here, now, in this present moment no matter who I am with or where I am
  • I am totally satisfied with me, myself and I. I am the love of my life!
  • I should be good at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes—or notice and enjoy and hire those who are, or not.

For me, as I opened to all formats, possibilities, people and the ways they build their relationships, I noticed where I felt in integrity, out of integrity, where it was easy or not so easy for me, where was just right for my own evolution.

“I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing that instead of being against that Other Person that I can simply question my beliefs, and move with rest and ease towards what I prefer.

There is no feeling of lack or being abandoned, or being sad (and if there is, I can question my thinking).

“Happiness is being allowed to be happy. Happiness is acknowledging it can never be wrong to be happy. Happiness is knowing you will be happy in the future. Happiness is realizing that there could never be a time when you should be unhappy.  Happiness is what is left when you stop believing you have to be unhappy. Happiness is knowing it is okay to be happy.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Do The Work, question your stressful beliefs, and enjoy yourself.

It may be more fun than you ever imagined.

And if there’s someone you’re having trouble with…join the Thursday 8 week class Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. You can work on mother, father, son, daughter, boss, neighbor…doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

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My Sister Is Sooooooo Irritating

Hello Dear Inquirers,

Several people have written to me about teenagers, inspired by my recent posts. Pre-teens as well. Why do they act that way? Why so dramatic? Why so short-tempered, or irritable, or rude? Have you done the work with teenagers?

Teenagers may have a reputation for “acting out” but really, perhaps they have some important reason for being so hostile. They may have something incredible to say. They also may be able to be less complicated, and catch on quickly to new ways of looking at something.

I have not done The Work often with my amazing children. But they see the benefits of their mother questioning her thoughts about them, I can guarantee it.

There was, however, one amazing moment where my children were fighting, and The Work sprang forward as the thing to do, right there on the spot.

My son, the older sibling, was saying something under his breath that my daughter (who admires her older brother) was perceiving as mean.

As usual, my son’s voice was quiet, I couldn’t hear the content. Then my daughter screamed “that is SO MEAN! I hate you!” at her brother.

I think he may have chuckled or scoffed. It wasn’t taken favorably, it seemed to incite the rage already present in my daughter.

Of course, there I was noticing from the other corner of the room my thoughts talking to me: they shouldn’t fight, here we go again, I must stop this, the noise of screaming is horrible, I don’t know what to do…

But somehow, in that moment, I remained in the seat of the observer, like the Work was working me and I wasn’t believing these thoughts…everything happening at once, but seeing a broader view of it all.

When there was a moment of red hot, angry silence, I said to my daughter: “what are you thinking right now that is really bugging you?”

In an angry voice, with her eyes burrowing like lazer beams into her brother, she pointed at him and said “he HATES me!”

I asked her then “Is that absolutely true, are you positive?”

“YES!!!!!!!!”

“You want to do The Work questions?”

“NO!!!!!!!!!”

Then my son said “I’ll do The Work!”

“Well, what are you thinking right now about your sister?!” My son replied “she is so irritating”.

My daughter hit her hands on the table. But stayed seated near her brother. I could tell something was OK about all this…at least I thought so. She wasn’t crying. She didn’t storm out.

“Is it true that your sister is irritating?”

Pause. “Well….not all the time.”

My daughter leaned back in her chair, not so on edge, defensive, ready to pounce.

“What would it be like right now if you didn’t have that thought that she is irritating?”

“I guess everything would be cool….but I HAVE the thought, so I’m not even sure. Calmer I guess. Maybe.” My daughter unfolded her arms. She was very interested in listening. All ears.

“What is the opposite of your thought, the complete opposite?”

“She is not irritating. She’s cool.”

“Can you find an example of how that is true, even right now perhaps?”

As my son found the examples, and then found another turnaround that HE is irritating, both kids burst out laughing. The whole thing was 10 minutes.

I couldn’t have planned it that way.

It seemed like they went from zero to LOVE and humor in 10 minutes. A wonderful example of the beautiful world of strong, intense, dramatic teenage thinking, for me.

Much love,
Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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Their Talk Is Torture

Thank you all so much for forwarding this to your loved ones, friends and colleagues. Many people write me to say how much they love reading these daily posts!

This week several teleclasses begin! You only need a telephone or skype to call in to a group conference call phone number. These are all audio, not webinars, and you do not need a computer to participate in a class–but you do need to have a way to receive emails regularly. Let me know today if you are joining! All the classes are listed at the end of this email. They are all 8 sessions, for 90 mins each session.

Speaking of new classes and learnings….

I loved working with a fabulous client recently on a common moment of frustration for many of us humans: when someone we’re in the presence of should stop talking.

I have had this thought myself many times in my life, and questioned it recently.

There we are in the vicinity of another human and that person is talking, talking, talking and we are thinking, thinking, thinking “THAT PERSON SHOULD SHUT UP!”

Perhaps we are a part of the audience during a lecture, in a group discussion where one person appears to speak a great deal, in a sharing circle with many participants (or a class), in a movie or play, or in a one-on-one conversation.

What has been your most common reaction when you are with another person who you judge as talking “too much”?

I was once sitting in a movie theater FURIOUS about the conversation going on behind me. I turned around and said “could you please stop talking during the movie!” and the two women burst out laughing, and carried on. I sat through the whole movie, unhappy and enraged, I was so shocked that they didn’t stop when I asked.

Believing that someone should stop talking, and not being sure how to change the dynamic, is a strange and common human dilemma. We have OTHER beliefs that directly oppose speaking up in a really authentic, genuine way with this talkative person. Beliefs like:

  • it’s rude to interrupt someone
  • they need to speak and be heard
  • they are trying to connect with me, which I appreciate
  • if I say I disagree, I will be starting an argument, or they might hurt me
  • they wouldn’t like me if they knew what I was thinking
  • they are wasting my time
  • I am so mean to have all these judgments about them
  • I should be a kind, thoughtful, patient listener (and this means I shouldn’t tell them to be quiet, that I shouldn’t speak up)

I recently saw a filmed scene in which a man is sitting at a kitchen table and his wife is cooking for him. The man is talking non-stop, talking about people at his work. His wife picks up the frying pan she is using and whacks him on the head.

That woman believed that violence, or getting “rid” of the person, was the only way to resolve the incessant talking!

That was a little extreme! But don’t we all have the thought that if I just get away from the talker, leave, eliminate them, get rid of them, shut them down….that is the quickest and easiest way to resolve this difficult situation?

It’s like having a fly buzzing and the noise of the buzz start to drive you crazy. Or crickets and their loud chirping.

Kill the cricket! KILL THE FLY! THEN I will be comfortable and have peace.

The wonderful thing is that even in this kind of irritated moment there is so much to learn, so much amazing opportunity for understanding yourself, your mind, and other people.

Even this moment is a moment for awakening.

“What is this moment, this situation, or this person trying to teach me?”~Pema Chodron

The first thing to do is to look at what you are believing that produces the most rage, irritation, anger, sadness.

What is this person actually saying that is so bad? What does it mean about them? What does it mean for me if I am there, being the listener?

You can feel it immediately when you are at war with what is. There is a tightness and resistance…you are AGAINST what is happening.

What if you were FOR what is happening? This does not mean that you stay sitting through an entire movie and not making any changes….that was passive for me, it was not authentic and loving. It was not kind to me.

What can you do joyfully, with pleasure, kindness, love, freedom, power, and passion right in that very moment when there is a person who is talking, talking, talking…and you are entirely and totally in favor of them being themselves, doing what they’re doing, being who they are?

You may find that you reach over to them and hold their hand, look into their eyes, and say any of the following things: “I adore you and I’ve heard this before but will listen again if you think it is 100% helpful” or “what do you really want right now?” or “I am feeling like being silent” or “I will be available to listen in an hour” or “Can you answer the question and say nothing else, but only answer the question I just asked?”

With complete and total freedom and no “rules” you may find that you are very loving and kind naturally, and you don’t feel guilty or imposed on, and you take very good care of yourself as well as the talking person.

“The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings….”~Tao Te Ching #50 

Love, Grace

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Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 6:00 pm – 7:30 pm Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27)

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 29, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1 or 11/22)