The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.
At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.
A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.
I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.
OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.
In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.
I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.
All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.
But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”
How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.
Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.
The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.
It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.
Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.
I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.
The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.
“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle
It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.
You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”
You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”
It’s worth it.
Love, Grace
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Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27)
Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)
Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)