Tag: addiction recovery

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That Mean Thing You’re Thinking Is Not True

Lately I’ve been communicating with quite a few people about urges, cravings, judgments and the experience of overeating, worrying about eating, drinking alcohol, spending too much money, over-indulging….

….feeling out of balance.

When you do something that actually hurts either you or someone else, most of us think about it afterwards. It doesn’t feel right. We mull it over, wonder what went on, analyze, consider.

This type of thinking sometimes ALSO doesn’t feel that good.

How did that happen? What’s WRONG with me?

I can’t believe I said that! I can’t believe I ate the whole thing! I can’t believe I smoked a cigarette, after all those months of quitting!

The problem with going over an incident again in your mind, afterwards, is it’s very tempting to take out a knife and stab yourself with it.

Here’s what I mean.

The other day, I was invited to a dinner with several people who are all peeps in this conference I’ve been attending in Arizona.

(I wrote all about it to the people interested in eating issues who are signed up to receive my Eating Peace notes, so I won’t tell the whole story again here).

It was a lively, jam-packed, upscale restaurant, full of voices, clinking glasses, twinkling candle lights. We sat at a big round table for six.

The kind and generous man who invited these friends was treating us all. He ordered all the food. Waiters were attentively moving around the table, bringing hors d’oeuvres, bread, special sauces, then filet mignon, pastas, greens, pork, then a huge table filled with carrot cake, puddings, delectable sweet delicacies. We had huge goblet wine glasses and everyone’s glass was filled constantly.

Strange, strange….for the first time in many years, I think, my stomach hurt badly afterwards. At first I thought it was fullness, but later in the night realized it was digestion trouble, as my stomach hurt even worse. I had also pushed my wine glass away, it suddenly felt like poison.

And then the harsh thoughts in the night….oh boy!

I shouldn’t have eaten that, I lost my presence, something went wrong, I’m stupid.

This is the normal douse of self-criticism most people give themselves after a difficult experience that feels confusing. It doesn’t even have to be about food, or drink, or smoking, or spending….

….you made a mistake. You screwed up. You broke a promise. You lashed out unkindly at someone and said a mean thing.

Killer Mean Voice enters on cue, ripping you to shreds.

Maybe an incident involved others, and you rip them to shreds in your mind as well.

But I knew, with the deeply discouraged feeling I had inside by the time morning came along, some powerful self-inquiry was in order.

The gentle, open-minded kind.

Not the kind that starts berating you, cutting you down, calling you names and screaming at you to fix your behavior NOW, or else.

As I got up after a very bad night’s sleep, I suddenly thought….

….how could it be useful and helpful that I had that experience with the dinner, that my stomach hurt so much? How can I be genuinely curious about that experience, rather than closed and upset?

Immediately, my body relaxed.

I knew what to do.

I asked myself “what do you need, right now in this moment, if you could have just exactly what you most wanted?”

Love.

Kindness.

The feeling of cradling myself in my own arms, and rocking myself like a sweet little baby.

I jumped on my bike that I had rented the afternoon before, and rode off for a long ride. I happened to take a route (the whole area was unknown to me) that led me to a canyon with magnificent red rocks, shadows and light, cool dark places and a trail that climbed steeply to the top of a great vista.

Even though I had been riding quite awhile, I followed all the Saturday morning people parking cars and gearing up with backpacks, locked up my bike, drank lots of delicious water from the water fountain, and headed up the trail.

All the while, inside, I allowed my mind to scan for what distracted me, what might have bothered me, what underlying thought or feeling deep inside was going on, that would create a moment where I would actually be uncomfortable physically from the food I ate and wine I sipped?

I had the thought…this is perfect that this happened.

How?

Well, one thing was it reminded me how I used to feel like this regularly. In my twenties my social drinking was always a whole night of staying up talking, and I had terrible binge-episodes (those were always alone).

I felt *HORRIBLE* and yet continued.

(Notice, the mean harsh voice didn’t actually change anything).

But, these experiences set me on a path to understand….to find peace.

As I hiked up the trail, watching the other people all about, surrounded by the beauty, I felt completely present.

I remembered, the inner self in this center has no judgment. It is not afraid, it is not critical, or hateful. It does not care what other people are thinking, it doesn’t care what other people are doing, or saying.

I had been in conference rooms, speaking with strain over very loud music, feeling separated, feeling uncertain about my own life, my thoughts, my direction. Not sure I fit in here.

That’s what had been happening, building. Many “you should do this” and “you shouldn’t do that” were entering my mind. I was believing them.

Who would I be without any of those thoughts?

Who would I be without demands, needing to make the conference I was attending successful (whatever that meant), who would I be without needing to change anything about myself?

I would be being. I would be here. Just here. Nothing more.

Nothing necessary, nothing to add, nothing to subtract.

Who would you be without the thought that you’ve done something wrong, when you’ve done something “off” like eat food that doesn’t feel good?

See if you can find that thought right now….you with no mistakes.

You may be surprised at this one tiny change this can make in your inner world….and then how that changes your outer life as well.

“It is Love that leads us beyond all fear and into the solitude of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

If you have done something uncomfortable for you, simply pause today and notice what you’re thinking that hurts.

It’s not true.

Have you noticed yet?

Much love,

Grace

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Question Your Thinking, Change Your Addiction

Every so often, I get asked about my history of addiction and I still have a twinge of wishing it wasn’t so.

Ew.

My primary horrible experience was around food. Always concerned with eating too much or not having enough, and trapped in the squashed zone of in-between.

It was too much, it is too much, it will be too much…it wasn’t enough, it isn’t enough, it won’t be enough.

Landing on “just right” seemed elusive, actually…..impossible.

My mind was so full of fear, I couldn’t relax.

It doesn’t matter if this comes out in the way you eat or in another way. I’ve used other activities to *prove* there’s either too much or not enough of something….caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, screen time, crushes.

But what is there actually not enough of, or too much of….really?

It always seemed like there was something I perceived that was missing, or too overwhelming, and boom….the urge to escape would appear.

Since my mind was fast and busy and saw a lot that there was too much of, and a lot missing, I was constantly fretting about life, relationships, money, safety, love, yesterday and tomorrow.

No wonder I thought I needed “help” from substances, especially food.

Life was hard, thinking there wouldn’t be enough of something, or there might be too much of something, all that all the time.

And ever so slowly, it dawned on me that thought, this way of thinking, was an addiction all by itself.

I couldn’t seem to think any other way, I kept believing what I thought was true, I took myself and my thoughts very seriously, I believed I couldn’t relax or didn’t have true happiness yet, that it was around the corner.

“Simple rest without thought, feeling into the spacious relaxation of no mind, is perhaps the best antidote to addiction.  Trying to think oneself out of addiction is, in and of itself, just another addiction, an addiction to thought. If we are going to speak of recovery from addiction, we have to first speak to this addiction to thought itself.  When addiction to thought is released, thoughts still happen, but with no sense of self in them and no sense that they carry a command to engage in some addictive substance or behavior.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Questioning your stressful thoughts is a fantastic way to begin to break apart what you’re thinking, to begin to understand what’s happening in your mind that creates the urge to eat, drink, smoke, shop, watch movies, obsess, clean, exercise.

It doesn’t matter if it’s unrelated to food, or whatever you use for escape or comfort.

Look at these beliefs:

There is not enough of “x” in my life…..and…..there is too much of “x” in my life.

Write these down. Make a list.

Take them through the four questions.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.”~Byron Katie

If you’re wanting to stop doing something that feels compulsive, addictive, harmful…you can stop.

You can stop believing that what you’re thinking is true. Start by writing down what you repeat to yourself that seems stressful.

Then take it through the four questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Can you absolutely know it’s true (if you said Yes)
  • How do you react when you believe that thought?
  • Who would you be without that thought?
  • What’s the opposite of your original thought?

You can do this.

Freedom is on the other side.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Breitenbush Retreat and Mini Retreat Deadlines Soon

Two deadlines looming.

That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

The poetry of living with a dramatic, expressive mind using dramatic, expressive language. And noticing time limits approaching.

Deadline #1: Next week, Wednesday April 30th is the last day to register for Breitenbush Hotsprings Retreat and get the Early Bird super low fee for a four-day retreat ($395). June 25-29th.

To register for this luscious time for body, mind, spirit….you must call Breitenbush. You have to actually phone them, the old fashioned way 503-854-3320. 

Deadline #2: May 3rd the last mini retreat for several months. We meet in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage, limited to ten participants.

Here’s the wonderful thing about both of these retreats:

Contact live and in-person with your inner world, through showing up, making connection, being there, putting your stake in the ground.

One is four hours.

One is four days.

Which one would you like to attend?

And really, have you noticed how dramatic and expressive the voices inside tend to be? Because the word DEADLINE is kind of intense.

I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. “Deadline” was first coined during the Civil War in the US, inside prisons. If a prisoner crossed a certain boundary line past the stockade, the guards were instructed to shoot.

Cross the line (probably headed in the direction of the prison wall) and you were going to be…..well, dead.

Back to earth….and present reality….I have questioned this “deadline” when it comes to retreats, and even the description of it as “looming” and found neither one to be true.

But I have found that making friends with my own thoughts, patterns, conditioning, and all that I have absorbed and assumed to be true…..

…..a matter of life or death of happiness.

Navigating life while also believing in terrible danger, loss, chaos, horror, fear, devastation, and tragedy is very hard.

It feels like death warmed over, as my grandma used to say.

If your own mind aims at you like a guard, every time you approach an invisible line, telling you to step back or you’ll be dead, you might feel very much like you’re trapped in hell.

The way to begin, if you really feel depressed, concerned, anxious, fearful and lost….is to write down everything that you feel upset about.

What’s dangerous? What’s horrifying?

You may have a long list. That’s OK. You may have a short one. That’s OK too.

I hate that we have to die, I hate that my marriage ended, I hate that this world is confusing, I hate that my child suffered, I hate that I lost my previous better life, I hate the absence of money, I hate my own mind, I hate that there are starving banished people, I hate how some people treat others. 

The world is a confusing (or terrible) place.

Now pick just one concept, to begin the process.

It’s hard for the mind to stop and pick just ONE objection.

But that’s where The Work of Byron Katie begins. Self-inquiry has started here in many other forms of inquiry as well, for centuries of human spiritual and existential investigation. Looking at ONE concept or principle at a time.

When I gather together with others, we have a landing place. The runway. We all get on the airplane together. The group energy and intent sets a tone to stay, look together, not to go off on tangents or avoid difficult feelings.

During your inquiry, or afterwards, you may take off.

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering with others, we build together, even if we don’t know the outcome. We’re on retreat for the purpose of looking at our thoughts, our beliefs, our perceptions of the world.

Nothing has been more life-changing for me that asking if it is true when I believe something troubling.

I might have done this all by myself on a desert island, but despite my occasional plans to go live in a monastery, my life has turned out to be active and of this world.

Retreats happen in the middle of it all. My best investigation has been done in the presence of other investigators.

“Let’s remember why we’re here at retreat: for this amazing opportunity to really look into the core of our own existence, the core of life itself that is so easy to overlook. It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind……So we come here to give our attention, our affection, our time. Our most highly prized commodity is our time. Anything or anyone you give your time to shows immediately what is most important.” Adyashanti 

Is it time to join with others for four hours, or four days, to really look into the core of your existence? To break through all the chatter, anger, war, discord and angst keeping you feeling trapped?

If YES, then come, come, wherever you are.

Much love, Grace

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I Have To Do Something! Like Eat!

Since I’ve been teaching the Eating Peace teleclass (next week is our last group) I’ve thought once again about that strange, terrible and rather amazing experience of being overwhelmed with compulsion, the belief that I MUST DO THIS or I MUST HAVE THIS that descends in a binge.

This doesn’t happen with only binge eating. There are many other activities that people experience as compulsive, obsessive, trance-like activities.

There are the ones we all know about: eating, smoking, drinking, gambling, exercising, pornography, internet surfing, television…

…but it’s not the actual activity or substance that’s the “problem”.

If you went to live on the moon, where they don’t have any alcohol, then the substance of alcohol might be gone, but what was the reason you were drinking it in the first place?

Because there are reasons.

At a deep level, the reason I used to binge-eat and feel totally out of control was because I was panicked about my feelings.

I was truly terrified of quite a few things: people criticizing me, the unknown of the future, my sense of being lost and separate in a difficult world, my thoughts that life is hard, brutal and scary.

I was very afraid of the lack of love I experienced, and when it came on really strong….I ate.

It’s the same with someone who uses drugs, smokes something, or who can’t stop thinking about a love relationship.

(I’ve heard this called a “love junkie”. That sounds about right. Been there, done that, too).

It can feel difficult to get at the root “problem”, the core of the experience.

But here’s the good news: you don’t have to fully know what the problem actually is.

You can very simply know that you are scared, muddled, confused, terrified, angry, despairing….and your thoughts about feeling these kinds of feelings is that you can’t stand it.

Quick! Change the channel! I’m frightened!

Next thing you know, you’re stuffing your face, or thinking about beer.

Recently, when I heard of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death from heroin, after 26 years sobriety, I wondered what was going on in his life that he thought escaping was the best plan.

Escaping from his feelings. Escaping from having to “stand it”.

In 26 years of not using, my thought is that he distracted himself in other more subtle, less destructive ways all that time. But it was still distraction. Avoidance.

I’ve met people who can’t stop taking self-improvement workshops, or attending non-dual speaker events. Ahem. Oh right. That might have been me.

With The Work, I love taking this powerful, brilliant, creative “mind” and considering the simple belief “I have to do something.”

Is it true?

Are you positive you have to do something to help you stop being anxious, afraid, or confused in this moment?

Are you sure you have to do anything, at all?

Who would you be if you didn’t believe you have to do anything? If you sat in a chair until you got up because you want to, not because you have to?

Even if it looks like someone thinks you’re horrible, you’ve had a great loss, you’ve got a disease, you’re a bundled of inexplicable feelings, you aren’t enlightened yet, you aren’t a good person (I’d question that)…

…who would you be without the thought that you have to do something, like eat?

What might happen then? If you feel frightened, and did nothing?

“With inquiry, it can’t be learned like ‘a way’. It can’t be controlled. There’s nothing you can ever know about it. You ask the questions and you don’t ever know what’s going to come up. That’s why it’s so difficult for some of you to answer the questions. You’re entering a universe that you cannot control. So we try to figure it out before we answer it, and that keeps the answer underneath it, it keeps the mystery hidden. And we’re afraid of what we can’t know, or control. Inquiry is new territory.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re frightened, like I once was (and still am sometimes) to sit and be with the unknown, without doing anything, and you’re not sure if you will explode unless you do….

….and you’d like to stay in inquiry with the mystery out there ahead of you….

….start today to be with questions, instead of answers. Is it OK not to know what’s going to happen, or what you should do, and that you can’t stand it?

“You work on this for your freedom, not to get something.” ~ Byron Katie

“There are no requirements and no prerequisites to awaken. There is nothing to be done, nothing to think, nowhere to go.

Just stop all dreaming. Stop all doing. Stop all excuses. Just stop and be still. Effortlessly be still. Grace will do the rest”. ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to sit with the questions without running, even by staying in them every week with a group on the telephone together….then Year of Inquiry YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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Addicted To Believing

One space left for Eating Peace starting tomorrow 9 am Pacific time. Hit reply if you want to join or have questions.

Yesterday, as I wrote more for the Eating Peace class curriculum (I’m trying not to go overboard) I remembered the concept that many teachers, including Byron Katie, mention about addiction and recovery.

It’s not the substance or the actual behavior that needs to change in order to feel peaceful.

Although….it WILL change and become more peaceful if you get to the bottom of it all.

But the core root of the “problem”, the actual addiction, the uncomfortable, distressing, out-of-control, compulsive experience that throws us off kilter, is our addiction to stressful thinking.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.” ~ Byron Katie 

Now, now.

Don’t start thinking that this means you have to question every single thought that ever entered your head that felt difficult or painful, or every thought that ever felt bad, or every imagined fear that could happen in the future.

I saw you going there! Come on back!

THAT is a thought in itself, that you can’t stop thinking (and you should) and you’ll constantly believe your thoughts, forever.

I’ll never stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll never stop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

My mind is a maniac…I’ll never get away from…..THINKING!

HHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!! 

Is it true?

Well, have you ever noticed the gaps between thinking, or between difficult experiences? Have you ever noticed there’s slow times and fast times and times in-between?

Do you sometimes sleep? Can you look out the window for a sec? Do you take a deep breath?

Have you ever been thinking something, but not really BELIEVED it? Like some part of you really knows all is well, and you can relax?

Maybe it’s not absolutely true that you’ll never stop thinking fearfully, ruminating, repeating things, seeing the same things over and over in your mind.

It may be possible that you have stopped sometimes.

How do you react when you believe that you’ll NEVER stop thinking, you’ll always believe your thoughts?

Deep despair and discouragement. Longing. Not satisfied. Problem-solving.

Hunting down whatever can stop the thoughts, or appease them.

Sometimes, this means drinking, eating, smoking and doing whatever “works” for you to interrupt the pattern.

Seeking teachers, solutions, whatever you can find that help offer lighter thoughts, fun thoughts, loving thoughts.

And who would you be without the thought that you can’t stop thinking, and you can’t stop believing your thoughts?

Seriously. Who or what would you be?

Without the thought that you have to believe what you think?

Holy Moly!!

Can you imagine not believing everything you think?

So very, very exciting! Curious. Spacious. Free. Wild. Mysterious.

Just to enter the state of not automatically believing everything running through your brain is true. Not the images, the words, the pictures, the ideas, the visions of the future or past.

Not Knowing.

“You don’t have to destroy the character called ‘me’ to wake up from it. In fact, trying to destroy the character makes it very hard to wake up. Because what’s trying to destroy the character? The character. What’s judging the character? The character. So you leave the character alone. The character called you, just leave it alone.” ~ Adyashanti

Turn the thought around: I’ll always stop thinking of uncomfortable or troubling possibilities in the future. I’ll alwaysstop remembering sad or traumatic things that happened in the past. 

Oh. This is just as true. It’s truer.

I don’t have to believe what I think?

WOW.

Noticing this is enough.

And if those terrible, worrisome visions aren’t 100% true, if those bad feelings aren’t staying permanently…

…you may be able to wait, to rest, and see what happens.

Your craving may pass.

With love,

Grace

 

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This Moment Needs To Change

As so many of you already know, I work with people often who have some compulsive behavior(s) they want to quit.

Anyone who has ever had this experience knows it feels very frustrating and frightening. The self-criticism that appears around this is brutal.

The compulsion to Do Something is deep in many humans. It feels overwhelming, almost like there is no choice, like the person engaged in the process is compelled, beyond all reason, to act.

It doesn’t matter if the compulsion is to take drugs, smoke, drink alcohol, take medicine, work, exercise, drink coffee, watch TV, eat ice cream, watch porn, smoke something, play computer games, check your cell phone, go on Facebook, be sexual, gamble, or shop….it all comes from a similar source.

I hate this moment. I MUST do something to change this moment.

It has been one of the most liberating experiences for me in life to look at what I think I hate that drives me to force a change.

  • People are mean, stupid or hurtful
  • Someone abandoned me, I am all alone
  • I need money, pleasure, love, entertainment
  • The world is a dangerous place
  • This is boring
  • I can’t handle this feeling of sadness, anger, grief, or fear
  • Something about me isn’t good enough
  • Life is hard

Every single one of these thoughts can be taken to inquiry. Every one can be examined to find out if they are really 100% true.

The best way that I have found to work with what I am against about life, where I conclude in the flash of a second that this moment is not good, is to slow the whole thing down to sooooo slow that it’s practically at a stand-still (can you hear the slow-motion voice moving like molasses?)

First, why is that moment uncomfortable, bad, annoying, or sad? Make a list (like the one above in bullets).

Then take just one of the thoughts you’ve written and look at it.

Is it true? Can you absolutely know it? Are you positive?

You can see how you react when you believe your thoughts are true. You use some substance or behavior or thinking process to “find relief”. You lash out at other people, or at yourself.

You try to find comfort somewhere, anywhere.

I used to wolf down food when I felt someone was angry with me or disapproved of me. It scared me to death, because I thought they were right. I thought I was inadequate, not good enough. Eat-eat-eat, then starve-starve-starve.

This weekend I decided to not drink coffee and just see what my entertaining little mind would come up with about why it needed the coffee, what coffee was for, and what big disaster would occur if I never drank it again.

I identified what I thought coffee did for me. It’s was a cure for lack of energy and boredom.

Which I don’t actually have, it turns out. I was just anticipating the possibility of not having energy and being bored, or not having enough money. That would be HORRIBLE! OMG!

Who would I be without the thought that coffee helps me push, get pumped up, wake up, turn up the volume, do other activities, work, get things done, and get more energy?

Who would I be without the thought that I need anything to be different in that moment right before the auto-pilot cup of morning coffee?

Free. Not enslaved to “having” to drink it.

Without the thought that life is hard, or boring, or that I can’t handle certain feelings or emotions, or that I need money or love or excitement, or that the world is a dangerous place, or that someone was mean to me, or that I’m not good enough…

This present moment is full, expansive, packed with colors, movement, sound. I am awake. This body feels whatever its feeling and there are no emergencies.

Without these stressful thoughts, the feeling that I need to DO SOMETHING goes away.

No compulsions.

“Suffering is how life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true…Deeper understanding and insight flow forth from a quiet mind.”~Adyashanti

Every time I have ever thought “I need to do _____” some small or large level of suffering has followed.

Now when I stop and inquire, I discover peace and quiet. Nothing lacking.

If I can do it, anyone can. Seriously.

If you’d like to inquire in a group on your biggest fears about life and the world being a dangerous place, come join the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass that starts Thursday. We’ll meet from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. All you need is a telephone. All assignments are sent via email. Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to join or have questions.

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
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I Gotta Quit But I Can’t

Yesterday I spoke with a gentle man who wanted to quit smoking. He started when he was a teenager. He’s been smoking for forty years. He might now have lung cancer.

He had tried to quit many times, more than ten. Sometimes he stopped for a couple of days, sometimes a week, sometimes 3 weeks.

And he said, with sadness in his eyes, “I don’t know why I start again…but I do, every time.”

I asked him about that moment when he has an urge to smoke.

The mind moves so fast, it likes to cover up or run past things that are uncomfortable, brush them under the rug. If it can’t brush them away or put it in a closet, then the way thoughts usually go, it seems, is that they get louder, angrier, more stressful, enraged.

The first step the Worried Mind thinks it needs to do, is to silence that tiny uncomfortable moment, thought, or experience…the second step is to try to crush it and destroy it and make sure it never happens again.

But that uncomfortable moment will happen again when this dear man quits smoking.

He has been so amazing to choose to smoke really, to bring himself to these moments of life/death and uncertainty.

There are many thoughts and beliefs that feel true that swirl around for people when they have something going on like smoking….and one of the most wonderful discoveries is finding out what is there, really, below the surface.

To get down under the situation and drill down into the core feelings and thoughts…you often have to start up on the surface.

For me, this is what the surface thoughts up on the outer crust are like:

  • I need a cigarette
  • Screw it, I want to be free to do whatever I please
  • I gotta get outta here
  • I hate (fill in the blank…that person, traffic, the rain)
  • I don’t fit in here
  • I need to calm down

These kinds of thoughts will surface and BOOM, right after they appear…you’re smoking.

Problem solved, situation over…NEXT. You escaped that moment and now, you can move on to the next one.

It feels a little safer to stay up here on the surface, dancing along with starting, quitting, relapsing, not even trying anymore, then trying, then quitting again.

Because under the surface is a bit scarier. At least it was for me. Digging down, there were more dangerous and frightening thoughts:

  • Life is hard
  • I don’t know how to deal with people
  • Everyone abandons me
  • I just want a little comfort in this difficult world
  • I will die
  • I can’t stand being here
  • I’m a terrible person
  • The world is a dangerous place, bad things have happened here

NOOO! I can’t admit that I think thoughts like this sometimes! What a pessimist! What a nervous wreck!

Have you noticed that the mind will turn on you just to have a target of its angst? It really seems to be compelled to ATTACK. Busy busy busy.

But to stop, and slow the difficult moment down into slow motion, or even if it’s speedy and screaming “RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!”

STOP and ask…..”is it true, that I need to do something, eat something, smoke something, ingest something, get outta here, get away from that person, quit feeling this feeling, quit thinking this way?”

I can’t stand this. Is it true? Are you absolutely sure? What is it specifically that you can’t stand? Living this whole life in a world that is dangerous and unpredictable?

Whew.

Who would I be without this thought that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place? That I can’t take it? That I’d rather not be here?

I’d enter a place where I don’t know for sure what this all is. I’d be aware of how I don’t get it. Not knowing. Open. Empty. Wondering. Waiting. Not so scared. Feeling disturbed but not deciding anything, not doing anything.

Silence. Patience. Willingness. Falling and letting myself fall.

Curious to see what happens without smoking or eating something, without watching TV or seeking distraction. You mean, I COULD stand it? Maybe?

If you turned this thought all the way around and found examples of how this world is safe, this moment is ultimately safe, that you are safe right now…can you look at your life this way? Can you find genuine examples?

So far, I’ve noticed that I have been able to stay alive even though I am terrified. Without me even trying. I have been able to feel feelings, and question thoughts about this world and find that I’m not 100% sure it’s 100% terrible.

Yes, the world is completely and entirely unpredictable, it seems…but perhaps this is not a bad thing. Perhaps it is the way of it. OK. Not a problem.

The less afraid I have become, the less need for smoking, drinking, eating, distracting, thinking, ruminating…

I am willing to be afraid again today, I am willing to be terrified, I am willing to feel hurt or nervous, I am willing to live in an unpredictable world, I am willing to Not Know what is going on around here.

Because so far, I have been living in an unpredictable world, as it turns out…whether or not I gave it permission to be unpredictable.

“This unknowing has no limits. It extends beyond what we perceive to all we feel and think and do. It is ceasing to know how to cope with life, where we are going, what to do after the immediate task is done, what’s going to happen to us tomorrow, next week, next year. It’s walking one step at a time and blindfolded, in the assurance that the Space here–which is nothing and knows nothing but Itself–will nevertheless come up, moment by moment, with what’s needed.”~D.E. Harding from On Having No Head

You can handle any moment, anything that happens, anything you feel. You’ll handle it, even if you think you can’t. That’s the good news.

Today I have no urge to smoke, binge, drink heavily, and escape intensely with activity because I found out I couldn’t crush the uncomfortable moment, no matter what…

Reality won.

Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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The Innermost World REVEALED

Leave a comment at the bottom of this post! It is wonderful to see your thoughts, questions, ideas, journey.

This past Saturday I had a most beautiful day facilitating a workshop of incredible inquirers all here to look at their painful thoughts about an important person or issue in their lives.

People are really amazing when they attend a workshop. They show up from many miles away, getting themselves from home all the way to strange and distant location, to be with other people they’ve never met before.

And bare their innermost thoughts and feelings to them.

We’ve probably all noticed how it feels like in being human, there’s an inner self and an outer self.

Inside the mind, there’s the one thinking, feeling, looking, sensing, and chattering away…which is all going on in this inside world. It’s a whole universe in here, and only YOU can see it. Only YOU can hear the voices, pick up the sensations.

And then there’s the outer world of where you stop and the rest of the universe starts, and it is doing it’s thing, filled with life and activity and events.

Have you ever wondered where the line is between inner world and outer world?

The body feels like a boundary area, perhaps, between both worlds. It seems to be close to the place this inner self lives. This thing called me is somehow involved in bringing life to the body and taking it here and there, moving it certain ways, putting clothes on it, resting it, feeding it.

But this seat of consciousness, the deepest inner world that feels so….INNER. Where is it exactly?

Even if we can’t define this inner world exactly and where the boundaries are, isn’t it so fascinating how INNER it seems to be? Like down inside this cave or secret world or separate realm or little hideaway place. Inner, inside, in the middle, the center of everything, at the core, bottom, or heart of it all.

And then, when people gather together in this powerful way in any kind of deeply personal work, intentionally….miracles can happen.

This does not mean lightening bolts come out of the sky, or magic wands are waved (although anything is possible, who knows) but by just the smallest revealing of this innermost world, something can shift, some energy can be moved.

Through this movement, change happens. Things get unstuck.

The first time I ever went to a gathering of people interested in revealing some part of their inner world was a 12 step meeting. I was 19.

I was so filled with suffering, I questioned all the time whether this life was worth living. This seemed like a mad, mad world and I felt equally as mad and VERY UPSET. It wasn’t funny. Full of despair.

I was absolutely amazed that people sat together in one large room and spoke out loud and shared some of the content of their hearts without trying to hide it or make it prettier than it was. They were telling on themselves. I felt like I was not alone in the way I had been thinking, not entirely.

One of the things I love about doing The Work is that the first step is simply identifying what we are actually believing and feeling that is most stressful. The really uncomfortable, mean, vicious, nasty, horrible thoughts we are thinking about someone else (or ourselves). Feelings put to words.

Most of us feel *HORRIBLE*, and I mean really, really horrible, about having these thoughts and feelings in the first place (I sure did).

But keeping a lid on them, locking them down and hoping they would go away never worked well for me. At all. I really tried!

Gathering together with others to reveal these innermost “secrets” and then take them into the light is what doing The Work is. Investigating these truly fascinating critical thoughts, terrified thoughts, sad thoughts.

That’s what our group got to do on Saturday together. So I know, some cracks were made in the inner-world boundaries and light got in.

“If you want to be free, you must first accept that there is pain in your heart. You have stored it there. And you’ve done everything you can think of to keep it there, deep inside, so that you never have to feel it….On the other side of the pain is ecstasy. On the other side is freedom.”~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul.

Being willing to reveal the painful thoughts is courageous, and worth it. How incredible are all the humans, who know that staying in what appears to be their inner comfort zone world isn’t going to really work in the end.

They desire freedom more than comfort.

Thank you to the group on Saturday, and every group that has gathered to learn, study, reveal, uncover, and face their inner pain.

Today, you can notice something that pulls you in, something that brings up a little fear (or maybe a lot). Catch it. You are an amazing observer of your own inner world!

Write it down. Take it to the Four Questions…explore it, whether with someone else or with your own wise self.

You only need to look at one thought at a time. No more than one. If there’s a whole stack of ’em, just take a look at the one on top.

“Together we will disappear into the Presence beyond the veil, not to be lost but found; not to be seen but known.”~A Course In Miracles

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register write grace@workwithgrace.com now.

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All You Have To Do Is Sit There And Watch

Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.

Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.

I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.

It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:

  • I need her love
  • I want his love
  • They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
  • That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
  • She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
  • He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
  • People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
  • Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship

Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.

Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!

In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.

Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.

No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.

But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.

But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.

The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.

Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.

If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.

There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?

And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?

What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?

Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?

No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.

This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to.  Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.

As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.

This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.

Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?

Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?

Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.

Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.

I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself.  Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.

Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.

With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.

Love, Grace

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Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

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Cravings Revisited Over and Over and Over

Cravings can come in the form of many kinds of wanting. As many of you know, one of my favorite portals into a relationship with my deepest self was studying my cravings for food and overeating.

Recently, I re-read one of my own posts from last spring about cravings. I’m including it here today a little modified.

Cravings can come in so many forms….not only food, but other things we ingest, and then also in the form of thinking. Like a huge thirst to KNOW and seek, get, hope-to-find.

The pain enters when we have the thought “I crave it uncontrollably” as many Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass participants discovered. They found this to be a very stressful belief. The assumption being, of course, that the craving shouldn’t be there, and that I myself should stop it if it is.

The feeling of craving anything uncontrollably can be extremely painful and desperate. Whether a substance, or a person, or money, or for someone to be with you again who is not longer here.

I’ve thought about craving and all it means many times in my life. Even though I don’t seem to get overwhelming urges or cravings for much in my life I still LOVE to look at the amazing sensation called craving.

Especially when people say it’s UNCONTROLLABLE!!!

Our teleclass group inquire into the concept “I crave it uncontrollably” and I was amazed by the process. As participants answered the simple question “how do you react
when you believe this thought that you crave something uncontrollably?” I noticed once again the way so many of us criticize, condemn, blame, and attack ourselves.

I am the one who craves things uncontrollably, and it’s really terrible. There’s something wrong with me.

Sometimes I still glimpse the feeling of craving, of wanting with a panic, an extremely deep ache. I can imagine something like…“if only my father were still alive” or “if only I had enough money to pay for everyone in my family” or “if only I had more time“….and what these thoughts might be like if they grew. Then it might feel like uncontrollable craving.

Because I found the Work it feels like such a relief to have spent lots of time questioning these things of life that I wish would get satisfied, the things I seem to want.

One of the most amazing experiences is the feeling of being with a craving and studying it, and not acting right away. What color is it? Where does it live? Where did it come from? What is it saying? What am I most afraid of in this moment? What’s the worst that could happen, if I stay here and if I don’t do anything to solve this craving?

OMG, not solve the craving??! But! I will….die!!  

Pema Chodron says “Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.” 

See if you really are out of control when you have that craving that seems so big.

Who would you be without that thought that you are out of control, that something is wrong with you, that your craving is altogether wrong, or that you shouldn’t have it in the first place?

What if this is a moment where you are meeting your edge. Maybe it has nothing to do with the thing you’re craving. See if you can sit still for 30 seconds. That may be all it takes to make a discovery.

What if nothing is wrong with you, even when you have a craving? What if it’s a voice, saying something, being the energy of craving….and you don’t have to hurt yourself to fulfill it, or even believe that you are unsatisfied right now, or desperate.

“If a country is governed with tolerance, the people are comfortable and honest. If a country is governed with repression, the people are depressed and crafty.”~Tao Te Ching #58

Govern your mind, the place where cravings arise, with tolerance today. Watch yourself feel more comfortable and honest. So much more pleasant than repression. No need for craftiness or depression. Just love. 

Much Love,

Grace
P.S. If your craving is for peace around sexuality and all kinds of sexual expression, then come join the teleclass that starts either Oct. 11th or Oct. 12th.