Tag: addiction recovery

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Wanting The Future

Almost every human being has had the experience of “wanting”. The origins of the word mean lacking, deficiency, shortage, wish for, desire. Kids say they want, adults say they want. We can say we want something with great passion, or not much feeling like it’s not a big deal one way or the other.

What is this state of WANTING?

My mind thinks, my body feels: I want to eat something, I want lots of money, I want power, I want a nice place to live, I want jelly beans, I want sex, I want a happy life, I want a new car, I want peace and quiet, I want forgiveness, I want to laugh, I want to understand, I want to feel “x”, I want to change society, I want to be enlightened.

The whole state of wanting can feel like a wave of noticing that I am lacking in something, I’m wishing for something, and almost simultaneously thinking about what would resolve this state of shortage.

The mind loves to solve problems, so when things are simple (I feel thirsty, I find water and drink it) it solves the puzzle fast. It gets frustrated when it’s not so simple or there are opposing desires (I want money, I refuse to work….I want a relationship, being around people too long is annoying).

Studying the state of “wanting” can be really fascinating. Even if you feel agonizingly full of desire for MORE or LESS of something, the minute you study it you get a little altitude on it, like you’re the observer of this “wanting” thing.

You may suddenly notice that you’re not 100% sure you really want what you think you want.

You may notice you are setting yourself up for unhappiness or failure, by thinking that when you get “that” you will be happy. Your wise self may know that future happiness is not guaranteed. At all.

You may notice that you actually already have what you want.

I love asking the question “what would I have if I got what I wanted? If the universe cooperated with my demands, er I mean, my desires, and everything was here that I want?

I find that answering this question shakes up the mind. Which can be a little scary for people who like control (most of us) but FASCINATING.

So, I say to myself “I want lots of money”. What would I have, if I had lots of money?

Security, freedom, time, peace. And THEN what would I have, if I had freedom? (Do this with each thing you come up with).

I would travel around the world, I would ditch this place, I would be extremely creative and invent artistically, I would read all day long, I would go to many more retreats and workshops, I would study, I would write, I would put on a performance.

And THEN what would I have? BE HONEST!

I would have fans, excitement, adventure, happiness, a meaningful life. And then?

That’s it. That’s what I really want…a meaningful life, excitement, adventure, happiness. Money could bring these to me really easily.

So can I have meaning and happiness right now in this moment, without one penny more?

The mind will say it’s impossible, not good enough, could be so much better with more money….that there are no adventures in my neighborhood, it’s not that exciting, and it’s not conducive to reaching enlightenment (I need to go live in a monastery like Leonard Cohen for five years….that would do it).

But the thing is, my neighborhood is chock full of people, there are streets I’ve never been down only a few miles away, there are people I’ve never even met, buildings I’ve never been in, workshops and classes being taught right in my own town, piles of books at the library.

If I really wanted to put on a theater production I could do it in my back yard. If I really wanted an adventure, I could start one today, right now.

This is skipping the “middle man” and going right to the heart of what is wanted. I find that happiness is present right here, right now.

Even without these things…the books, the streets in the neighborhood…there is me sitting here with a body and a very speedy mind, and eyes, ears, feelings, silence.

If I think something is lacking, I write it down, I write what I’m thinking, and I inquire.

A questioner asks Byron Katie: “Loving what is sounds like never wanting anything. Isn’t it more interesting to want things?”

Katie replies “My experience is that I do want something all the time: What I want is what is. It’s not only interesting, it’s ecstatic! When I want what I have, thought and action aren’t separate; they move as one, without conflict. If you find anything lacking, ever, write down your thought and inquire. I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it. There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.”~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Life doesn’t require a future! OMG!

Right NOW, in this state, there is ecstatically enough, without the thing I believe would make things BETTER (lots of money). When I experience the truth of this, I have freedom, happiness, security, adventure, enlightenment….everything I actually wanted in the first place.

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the Now the primary focus of your life”.~Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

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Go Towards The Dark

The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.

At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.

A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.

I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.

OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.

I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.

All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.

But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”

How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.

Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.

The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.

It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.

Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.

I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.

You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”

You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”  

It’s worth it.

Love, Grace

 

Click Here to register for any fall class.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)

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I WANT, Therefore I’m Bad

Is wanting something stressful? It sure seems like it sometimes. We have the thoughts “I want it”…..I want to eat (even though I’m not hungry), I want a boyfriend (and I’m single, no prospects), I want more money (my bank account looks less than perfect), I want more time (my calendar is is so booked I’m starting to schedule “time to sleep”).

I WANT.

When we are babies or toddlers, we don’t really have an “observer” who is commenting on what we want. It seems babies cry or smile or reach or play and this thing comes along called “wanting” and it’s very simple. No judgment AGAINST the wanting feeling. It’s more like attention is turned toward getting what is wanted, it’s the way of it.

I remember one of the very first times I wanted something but then ALSO had the thought on top of wanting it that it was BAD to be wanting this thing.

I was eight. In school that day we were allowed to sit on top of our desks to watch a movie. Such a special and strange treat, sitting ON our desks, with our feet dangling down in front.

For some reason I caught a glimpse of my thighs and they were spread wide the way they would be sitting that way. But my mom had recently gone on a Weight Watchers diet and it had occurred to me for the first time in my life that sometimes, people want more food than they actually need, and they get upset about it. They don’t like the way they look.

I suddenly thought “Oh no! I am too fat! Being fat is bad! That’s what my mom is talking about!”

Later, the teacher gave us Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups. I wanted to eat it, but instead I took mine home for my little sisters. I would start copying my mom. We had the same “problem” of wanting too much food. Obviously.

This morning I worked with a client who noticed the thought “I want more time with him”.

She found that she was actually wanting more “fun” and relaxation.

I heard this dear client saying that one way she reacted when she believed the thought that more time with him would bring her happiness, is she had a new thought; “I am going to stop wanting more time with him”. That’s the little tricky part. The strategy to deal with this BAD WANTING. I want, therefore I suffer. So I’ll figure out how to stop wanting anything.

But what if the wanting isn’t “bad”?

So first, I find out who I would be without the thought that I have to have that thing I want in order to be happy? Then I find out who I would be without the thought that wanting it is bad?

Who would I be without the thought that if I was thinner, I’d be happier? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more money, I’d have more freedom, more adventure, or more security? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more time, I’d be more successful?

Who would I be without the thought that if I stopped WANTING things in the first place, I’d be happier? Can I just “want” and still be happy?!

 “Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward.~Byron Katie

With inquiry, I notice that wanting stuff is not so bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting. It gives me new, creative ideas. It’s like the world is a playground and I see the swings, the jungle gym, the monkey bars and want to run around on all of them, oh boy!

I also notice, there is more to “me” than this wanting. It is not all I am.

“When things are not the way you prefer, that does not mean that they shouldn’t be happening. It means that they are not what you want….Your wanting it different means that you want it different. Whatever is you up til now is allowed. Whatever you want or choose now is also allowed. You are allowed to be what you are…”~ Bruce di Marsico

I am allowed to be what I am, wanting to have fun, play, eat candy. Wanting more time, wanting more money….

When I stop criticizing myself for be a big WANTING machine, I can find out more about what I fear, why I want, what is going on in this present moment where “wanting” exists.

What if wanting is the way of it, sometimes?

Come bring your fabulous WANTING and investigate it for the weekend in Seattle next month. We will gather at Goldilocks Cottage (my home) and dive into The Work and see who we are without our stories about believing we want. Limited to 14 people, non-residential.

For more information on this first weekend in June click here.

With love, Grace

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Anger, The Wake Up Gong!

This morning in our teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we did some really interesting inquiry on ANGER.

Mark Twain said “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
It’s much more fun to find the humor in anger. But often, we can get really serious about anger, especially if we think something terrible could happen when someone feels it. Like war, murder, hurt, destruction, nasty words, criticism, hate.

I remember seeing a father in a parking lot once, with his young boy. He was shouting at his son “Stay close to me! I want you right here! NOW!” The boy was watching carefully and following his father’s orders, running right behind his father as they crossed the pavement, staying close. He was doing exactly as he was told.

I was judging the whole scene in an instant “that father is too angry, he is too bossy, he is unloving, he is abusive, that child is in danger, the boy looks too compliant…..”

It dawned on me in that moment how just observing the behavior of someone who I labeled as angry, my story begins to take on a whole life of its own.

 Instant anxiety! Concern! Sadness! Hand-wringing! Go in there and stop it! Run!!!!

But when I am looking out there at someone else, and believing their anger is a problem, I know it’s time to do The Work.

The wonderful man who is so well known now for his incredible work all over the world on working with anger, Marshall Rosenberg, says “All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”

I found when I questioned the belief that anger is destructive, then actually experiencing anger wasn’t so bad. Being around someone else who was expressing anger wasn’t so bad either.

When I am not so fearful of the emotion called anger, instead of pushing it down and doing all that I can to suppress it, I invite it in. I have it sit with me at the table, like inviting it in to have tea.

When I am not so fearful of the emotion of anger, I am more present with other people when they get angry. I can stay with them, instead of attack them or run away.

Now I have great appreciation for anger. If experiences of stress are a little temple bell suggesting that we look at what we’re thinking with care, then anger feels like a GONG crashing right next to my head! WAKE UP!

As Byron Katie says “Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.”

Much Love,
Grace