This morning in our teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we did some really interesting inquiry on ANGER.
Mark Twain said “When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
It’s much more fun to find the humor in anger. But often, we can get really serious about anger, especially if we think something terrible could happen when someone feels it. Like war, murder, hurt, destruction, nasty words, criticism, hate.
I remember seeing a father in a parking lot once, with his young boy. He was shouting at his son “Stay close to me! I want you right here! NOW!” The boy was watching carefully and following his father’s orders, running right behind his father as they crossed the pavement, staying close. He was doing exactly as he was told.
I was judging the whole scene in an instant “that father is too angry, he is too bossy, he is unloving, he is abusive, that child is in danger, the boy looks too compliant…..”
It dawned on me in that moment how just observing the behavior of someone who I labeled as angry, my story begins to take on a whole life of its own.
Instant anxiety! Concern! Sadness! Hand-wringing! Go in there and stop it! Run!!!!
But when I am looking out there at someone else, and believing their anger is a problem, I know it’s time to do The Work.
The wonderful man who is so well known now for his incredible work all over the world on working with anger, Marshall Rosenberg, says “All violence is the result of people tricking themselves into believing that their pain derives from other people and that consequently those people deserve to be punished.”
I found when I questioned the belief that anger is destructive, then actually experiencing anger wasn’t so bad. Being around someone else who was expressing anger wasn’t so bad either.
When I am not so fearful of the emotion called anger, instead of pushing it down and doing all that I can to suppress it, I invite it in. I have it sit with me at the table, like inviting it in to have tea.
When I am not so fearful of the emotion of anger, I am more present with other people when they get angry. I can stay with them, instead of attack them or run away.
Now I have great appreciation for anger. If experiences of stress are a little temple bell suggesting that we look at what we’re thinking with care, then anger feels like a GONG crashing right next to my head! WAKE UP!
As Byron Katie says “Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.”
Much Love,
Grace