Tag: spirituality

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What does it mean to move without resistance? The joy of acting in The Work.

There was a time when I became aware, about two years into doing The Work, that sometimes the mind can hold up a belief very solidly in the background of a situation we’re investigating, and not let go.

I didn’t even know I had the belief. That’s the funny part.

I was dating in my forties.

I was also rather shocked to be dating as I had felt so married-for-life in my first marriage of 15 years.

I loved partnership and had mostly been with a partner for the majority of my life since age 16. It seemed easy and natural.

(And before that, I always had one close best friend).

So there I was, meeting men and dating.

There was one man I found incredibly funny and smart, but also quite troubled.

We’d go on a walk or have a meal and talk in depth, and all kinds of weird emotional conflict would appear.

I’d feel nervous, angry, or incredibly disgusted.

Fairly new in my experience of self-inquiry and The Work at that time, I’d write a worksheet on the moment of disruption and get all my thoughts on paper: “he shouldn’t have said that”, “I need him to be different”, “there’s something wrong with him”, “he’s too depressed”, “he’s an addict”. 

I would take them through the four questions and find turnarounds and feel amazed with what I learned about myself.

And yet…the conflict persisted.

And so did the on-and-off dating, anxiety, and anger.

When suddenly one day, while sitting quietly in The Work, I heard the voice in my head ask this powerful question:

Why are you trying so, so hard to make this relationship work….when it just plain isn’t?

Why are you trying so hard to like red when you prefer blue?

And the hidden “agenda” appeared before my eyes.

This. Relationship. Must. Work.

Dreams of a future living with this person in bliss, enjoying the support of the money he had accumulated and his good taste, feeling that old natural feeling within me of having one best friend in my life, imagining easy conversations and someone to whom you could say “hey, did you see that?”

Some part of my mind didn’t like noticing this dynamic did NOT really work.

I scared him, he scared me.

Everyone confused and upset. Uneasy.

Ideas about what “success” or “love” looks like.

Is it true it had to work?

Is it true the images I had of “it working” were real? Or was it all imagination? (Um, I would say it was imagination, LOL).

What happened when I believed that relationship MUST work and turn into the relationship I dreamed of?

Well one thing that happened, is I did The Work itself on every tiny thing I did not like, in an effort to land on peace, enforce peace, arrive at peace.

Even my dreams of “peace” were false and guessed at. I said peace didn’t look like the present moment, it looked like a vision I had in the future.

I ignored my preferences, for “peace”. I turned everything around to myself “for peace”. I went places and ate food I didn’t like and said “yes” to invitations “for peace” or “for hope”.

I turned all my stressful thoughts around and then made an effort to keep myself directed narrowly to this goal of making the relationship work: “I shouldn’t have said that”, “I need me to be different”, “there’s something wrong with me”, “I’m too depressed”, “I’m an addict–especially about him”. 

But who would I be without the belief “I’m going someplace BETTER in the future (this future relationship working the way I want and imagine)?

Who would I be without the belief “This Must Work”?

On that day I suddenly dropped below my hopes and motives to enforce happiness in the future, my attitude of “fighting” for happiness….

….and I noticed reality.

Reality didn’t look like my plan. Reality didn’t look like celebration and loving connection and beauty and two married people smiling at each other in that moment.

What was the reality?

Not that.

THIS.

And then…the questioning opened up and I became aware of a turnaround: This IS Working. 

This is it. This is where this is going.

Right now.

Not in the future somewhere, where heaven awaits.

Heaven could be right here, despite the discord in relating and the difficult thinking and the tortured emotions and apparent confusion.

The sun still shines behind the sky, the world still moves, the breath still flows in and out of this body, the life force still pulses with joy–no matter what I’m ever doing, no matter what is happening, no matter what is being “thought” in any moment.

I could be cleaning dog poop off my shoe, and this is what is, in that moment.

Not the future cleaned up shoe.

Can I notice This. Is. Working. 

The relationship may not involve future active connection (turns out it did not) but what a joy to flow with life instead of push against it.

I understood then what Byron Katie and others might be talking about when they spoke of doing The Work with a motive or agenda, how it can block the freedom and peace you have access to right in the middle of any condition, relationship or situation.

Could heaven be possible even with this?

Of course.

Who am I to say “this is not heaven”?

Good news.

It didn’t matter that I had been doing that when doing The Work with a motive of eventually getting to peace. Insight came when it came, at just the right time.

I explored, I stayed, and then I saw, and I broke up with him.

The joy of not knowing what will ever happen, the freedom from being dependent on things going a certain way in order for me to be happy….dissolving.

Who are you without the belief “this is not it”?

Turned Around: This is it. This is life, being lived. This is heaven. This is waking up.

Peace is possible now.

When this realization landed inside me, I knew to break up with this man and that I didn’t have to make myself Not Think of him.

I didn’t know my future and it was totally safe, totally OK. I felt gratitude, clarity, tears, empowerment. Life moved in its own direction.

I couldn’t have gotten there, experiencing that moment as peaceful and exciting, without The Work.

Wow.

“Eventually, through practice, you no longer impose your thinking onto reality, and you can experience everything as it really is, as pure grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got beliefs about what is required for peace, for awakening, for love, for eliminating stuckness…you may want to come do The Work on retreat.

Winter retreat is a month away.

Read more here.

We meet for 2.5 hours in Pacific Time morning, then 2.5 hours later, with a nice 4 hour break in the middle of each day for partnering in The Work with someone else in the retreat, movement, your own time, rest.

Every session is recorded for those who will need to sleep during one or more sessions because of your time zone.

The immersion of sitting in The Work with others for six whole days and 30+ hours is, quite honestly, incredible.

And there are two of us to hold you in inquiry, both with our own joy of The Work as facilitators of this profound process.

Tuition is a sliding scale: $375-$895. You choose what works for you based on your resources.

No traveling–it’s all online. You’re in your own space and something supportive about doing it right where you are.

We’ve done online retreat before and it’s worked brilliantly.

We hope you’ll join us and bring the action and aliveness of loving what is into your present moment, without the burden of hoping endlessly for something else.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Not long after that time of realization about relationship and trusting reality on the topic of love, I met a wonderful man who happened to become a husband and live-in partner. Apparently life would have it this way, until it isn’t.

 

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All You Have To Do Is Sit There And Watch

Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.

Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.

I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.

It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:

  • I need her love
  • I want his love
  • They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
  • That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
  • She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
  • He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
  • People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
  • Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship

Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.

Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!

In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.

Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.

No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.

But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.

But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.

The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.

Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.

If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.

There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?

And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?

What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?

Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?

No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.

This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to.  Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.

As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.

This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.

Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?

Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?

Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.

Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.

I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself.  Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.

Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.

With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.

Love, Grace

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Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

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What If This Was Your Only Path To God?

There is an idea that humans have used for centuries to find relief. The idea is that their pain means something, that their suffering is not just random, chaotic and ridiculous, but that it is instead part of their life path. How could it be otherwise? There it is….suffering.

If this experience of life that I am having hurts sometimes, perhaps a lot of the time, it can help on a basic level to consider that what hurts is offering something of value, that I can learn from it.

The tricky part for many is when they quickly also conclude that some other great and powerful entity, that is outside themselves (maybe called God, but it could also be called Reality, the Universe, or Fate) is throwing “hard” situations into their paths so they learn.

That there is a power, we’ll call it God, that is punishing. You suffer, God doesn’t care, let’s it happen, or even creates your dilemma. We’re in a wild, uncertain world where terrible things can happen.

Byron Katie will occasionally use the phrase “if this was your only path to God, would you take it away?”

This question comes from her out of a way of thinking about God that is without fear. This God is love, peace, neutrality, beauty, silence, kindness, openness, truth. Truth. 

We like the idea of a path to this kind of God. So the thought that our pain holds a path to God helps quell the urge to panic, escape, shut down or eliminate this painful path.

We can breathe a little. You mean I might be OK in the end? You mean this is all going somewhere, and it’s good?

The phrase Katie uses helps us enter non-resitance to the situation we find so difficult. Allowing ourselves to stay with it, to look at it. To understand the truth of this situation, to see it from every angle and nuance.

Eckhart Tolle has many incredible things to say about human suffering and pain. He suggests that we have a Little Me that is very self-centered, that always thinks life isn’t good enough. Terrible things can happen.

If we get deeply into this Little Me that is all about, well, Me….then we are constantly on edge, irritated, annoyed, enraged, defensive, nervous or terrified. Always thinking about only the past and what has gone before, or the future and what should be prevented. He calls it being in the Pain Body.

At the core level, the Pain Body is screaming DANGER DANGER DANGER. It is scared out of its wits. Literally. There is no clear thinking, beliefs of imminent danger take over our entire awareness.

But what if this Pain Body experience was actually our path to God? (Whatever God is for you, you can say “Love” if you like, or “Peace”).

Eckhart Tolle himself would not be who he is today without terrible suffering as a grad student. Byron Katie would not be who she was today without years of extreme suffering into her early 40s.

Pema Chodron felt rage at her former partner and realized she couldn’t live with that kind of anger, and that set her on a path that changed her entire life. Joan Tollifson was a drug addict living on the street, near death, became sober, and grew into a beautiful spiritual teacher.

Then there are so many others who felt unrest, sadness, unhappiness, never-ending seeking, like THIS was not enough….ever….and now they are different.

A common thread is allowing everything, especially their pain, to be the way it is. Not attacking it, running from it, pretending it’s not there, doing Positive Thinking and saying affirmations. Not fighting.

This is it. Here’s the path. It’s what you are on, it’s what you’ve been living. Right in this moment, if you leave everything the way it is and drop any part of you that wants it to change….see what that feels like.

What if everything is supposed to be exactly the way it is right now, and everything has led you to this moment. Now.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing.” ~Byron Katie

Feel the relief of not needing to do anything—without a thought that you should do anything, say anything, think anything, feel anything different than THIS.

Even if the Pain Body or Bad Suffering seems to be here, Bad News, Sadness, Anger…see if you can only stop needing to do something about them. No trying to get to a peaceful state, no working on yourself. No getting over to a different Path.

Nothing wrong with THIS.

“When we realize who we are, we no longer have this endless confusion, this eternal battle with ourselves. Therefore we tend to not struggle with others or the world.”~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Her Voice Is Excruciating

Very recently I re-read the first few chapters of Loving What Is by Byron Katie for a class.

In the Introduction of the book, a woman is sitting with Katie, doing The Work on her husband.

One of the woman’s thoughts she has about her husband: I hate the way he breathes.

Hilarious! So perfectly childish, petty, and yet the kind of thought most of us have had in our lifetimes that has left us feeling annoyed, unhappy, definitely NOT peaceful.

Having a stressful thought means that I think the thought, it passes into my mind, and almost instantly I believe it’s true, then I have uncomfortable, difficult, troubling feelings or responses of any kind. Even these silly, babyish thoughts about people and their breathing.

This reminded me that I know one person whose voice is annoying….like annoying enough that I cringe at the sound sometimes.

When I ask myself what that’s about, there are many meanings I attach to that voice. It’s too nicey-nice, it’s fakey, it’s false, the person is needy, there is no range, it’s controlled, the words are too slow, patronizing. All of these beliefs come out of that voice, or vice versa.

The woman working with Katie really was upset with her husband for being needy, not being aware, not being powerful, for being dependent, out of shape. These are all the thoughts located inside this woman—they are not true for those of us listening, we don’t even know this man who is her husband. But we’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.

If that person is needy, then I’m outta here! Gross! I resist being open to them, even physically in my body I brace ever so slightly against the sound of their voice, their breathing.

We start proving all the moments are true that show how needy, powerless, and dependent those people are. Building up the story of those messed up needy people over there.

So….to turn things around and look at ourselves, this is the great self-inquiry. Can I see that right in that moment that I’m wishing that person wasn’t so needy that I am needing them to change? They need to stop acting needy, and then I won’t feel so frustrated.

I am trapped, in that moment, in waiting for that person to change so that I can be happy. Very hopeless, very impossible, random, unknown, a roll of the dice whether they can make the change or not. And I am 100% in need of that person to make the first move.

This is called being a victim. My mind is full of what THEY need to do so that I can be excited, thrilled, happy, safe, comfortable, loving, peaceful.

What if they will never, ever change and the only person who could change is you, from the inside out? There they are, doing what they do, being themselves (breathing and speaking) and now I get to work with how to be truly stress-free in their presence.

Reality is, that person presents themselves in the world in that way. I can argue with the way they are, or stop arguing and see what that would be like, for a change.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality…..When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”~ Byron Katie

Think about something very small but irritating in your world, something you see that you feel annoyed with. It doesn’t have to be a huge, major, difficult dilemma in life (although painful thinking of every kind can be taken to inquiry).

Now what if you didn’t believe it was true that it should change, so you can feel better?

“The generals have a saying: ‘Rather than make the first move it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard.’ This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons. There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~ Tao te Ching #69

Do you think there will be greater change if you enter the room hating that person’s breathing and the sound of their voice, and believing they are needy?

Or, if you enter the room NOT knowing, seeing with different eyes, being open to the beauty in that human being, being open to how much you actually care about them?

If that breathing-annoying-voiced person offered you a path to peace (and they do, because they apparently show up and throw you out of peacefulness) then you would sit with their image in your mind, you would ask yourself questions about what you are really believing is dangerous about them.

Even if you felt sick to your stomach, you would not underestimate this person, thinking of them as absolutely 100% incapable of peace, evil. You would see them as worthy, and by this, you would see yourself as worthy as well.

You are worthy of yielding. You are worthy of going forward without advancing, without using weapons (including verbal attack). Worthy of questioning how, why, when you feel threatened by someone’s breathing or voice. Are you absolutely sure you can’t wait and see?

“Defense is the first act of war” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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When Saying Goodbye Is Kind

One of my favorite experiences in looking at myself from the inside out, using The Work and other self-inquiry, has been to say NO.

  • No, I am not able to talk with you right now
  • No, I love that you asked, and the answer is no
  • No, I do not want to meet with you
  • No, I’m not going to pay that price or give that amount of money
  • No, I don’t want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you
  • No, thank you for offering, I’m not hungry/thirsty/tired/sleepy/etc
  • No, I don’t want to live here

Recently a wonderful reader and inquirer wrote in about how life-changing it was for her to move away from painful relationships she once had. I love that she had this experience of freedom.

Sometimes people will think that to do The Work or open to all possibilities for peace, that the response is passive.

If I do The Work and I love-what-is then I will lie down on the ground and people will step over me or kick me or forget about me….

Loving What Is means I love everything? I’d be floating around in a war zone and not even know it, thinking that all the bombs, explosions, blood, death or torture were loveable. That would be dangerous! Crazy!

But doing The Work or inquiring deeply on our internal war-like thinking does not mean to suffer through difficult experiences and keep quiet, stay, or force yourself to do something you really don’t want to do. That is not peaceful.

Doing The Work is not creating a passive life, where there is no action or movement. In fact, I have found that doing The Work offers greater loving power than I ever thought possible.

I remember once having a client come see me who reported that he was bipolar, needed medication for anxiety, had a history of seeing many, many therapists, and wanted a discount and insurance coverage.

I knew I was not the counselor for him. I was not able to prescribe medications even though I knew a lot about them, I don’t offer insurance coverage, and unlike most people I encounter, I didn’t have the feeling deeply that I was the right person or that I even felt drawn to him. This was unusual. I knew to say “no”.

In the past, I’ve had two romantic interests where despite an attraction, I also felt discourse, unrest, lack of peace, confusion and neediness. It would start with a feeling that the person I was interested in should feel better, be happier….I had a longing for their healing.

I would see the beauty in that person, how funny they were, how generous or kind they wanted to be at all times, and how they weren’t able to be for some reason. My love would help them! They even said so!

I discovered by doing The Work that I loved being the patient, loving, thoughtful, calm, kind person. By comparison to their personal behavior or agony, I looked really good. Conscientious, generous, even-keeled, very accepting.

But while I may have looked like I was patient, kind, and accepting with that person, I was not that way with myself.

One of the most obvious and dramatic examples of this is when someone is in a relationship with a person who hits them, or breaks things, or yells all the time, or says mean or vicious things often……and the person who receives the blow does not leave.

This is really not kind, to YOU. Saying “no” is what is perfect when you say “yes” to being kind to yourself. In fact, the person who has done the hitting may even feel relieved, calmer, more peaceful and kinder. Which is what you really want, right?

Loving your “enemies”, loving what is, does not mean I stay in the presence of everyone who has been violent. In fact, I do the Work, on my own, with paper and pen and a facilitator. (I personally find it essential to have a person facilitate me when it’s a repetitive experience or issue that feels big and confusing).

I meet my own mind and my own opposing thoughts, I am free to come and go, to say yes and no, to be in or out of the presence of other humans when that choice is offered.

“When you question what you believe, the mind is free, and it’s no longer at war with itself. And it’s unlimited–genius is an understatement…..
Are you taking care of yourself? Or are you taking care of him as a trade-off so that he will think well of you?”~Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Once a great friend told me she loved asking herself the question “what would kindness do?” Many of us immediately think about what would be most kind for everyone else around us.

This means to ask it first of yourself, as you are the only person you can most deeply attend to. And if you are honestly kind to yourself, then you will be kind to the people around you.

Saying “no” to interaction with someone may be very kind. There may be someone better for them to connect with who is much more suited to the task.

“When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Sick, Crazy, Insane Thoughts

Many of us have thoughts enter our minds which actually attack other thoughts:

  • what I am thinking is sick!
  • I must be crazy—he/she/they must be crazy
  • I can’t stand my own mind
  • if I didn’t have this mind, my life would be much better
  • my mind is a cesspool
  • I should be able to stop all this chaos in my head
  • where is the OFF switch?

It’s an all-out war on our own thinking process. An entirely internal argument.

When we make grand sweeping statements like this many of us get tired, depressed, angrier, and wish we were someone else. We start to want to have some big shift of consciousness, some kind of enlightenment, to take us out of this battle field!

But what if we just take one of these thoughts and treat it with some respect. Instead of having such judgments about the actual thinking process we’re in, what if we softened and spent some time looking, like a loving, patient parent perhaps.

Who would you be without the thought that your mind is a cesspool?

Phew, it’s hard to even begin seeing who I’d be. My mind is so speedy quick and the thoughts churn out a million miles per hour.

But really, if I didn’t have the thought that this “thinking” is wrong, bad, annoying, or crazy? I would feel relief. I would also instantly step out of the “thinking” and be able to watch it from a different vantage point.

I would feel this part of me that is an observer, looking and open, without judgment.

Curious, fascinated, interested. Ready to be here for myself. Not so overwhelmed. Trusting that I am the one who can handle this mind, since I’m the one here with it.

“I haven’t met a sick, crazy thought in years. Thoughts are like children–they’re the beloved. They’re children. They’re screaming to be heard, and they scream and scream and scream. And we shut them up; we send them away; we push them under; we deny them, we try to pretend that they’re not there. So when we bring them into the light….and we question them and turn them around, then the children begin to get quiet.”~ Byron Katie

Now, imagine being with a person you know or have known in the past who you have thought of as crazy, sick or insane. You’ve treated them as dangerous, uncomfortable, mean, selfish. You have judged them as someone you need to get away from.

What if you could be with that person without wanting to attack them, push them away, deny them their voice, shut them up, or pretend they are not there? What if you didn’t move away from them so quickly, or decide to “end” your relationship with them forever?

I notice there is something beyond fear, worry, or terror that knows all is well with that person, and all is well with me. I surrender. I allow it all.

Everyone has their path in life, and some paths look crazier than others, more extreme and more painful. The more compassion I have for my own mind, I notice the closer I can get to every kind of human being, even people experiencing extreme suffering, people who appear really nuts.

When I am kind, when I am willing to be with myself in a loving way, all people I encounter are welcome in my company.

Byron Katie suggests that being with that person we consider the “enemy” can be like sitting at the feet of a true guru. This is my great moment of undoing the part of me that has to be right, that feels so vulnerable, that has to assert itself.

So can I sit with my enemies and open to them? Can I sit with my own mind and open to it, without all the judgment, defense, analysis and war?

This starts by questioning my thoughts.

“Do we see an enemy?  If so, then we are not seeing things in their true light and are part of the problem we are trying to solve.…..There is nothing wrong with thought and it can be used whenever necessary.   But in every moment you can choose to follow your thoughts or you can recognize that which is not thinking.  Don’t try to stop thinking, let it happen.  Just recognize that which is not thinking.”~ Adyashanti

Don’t try to stop those people out there who are not behaving or saying or being how we would like, just recognize that you are not seeing them in their true light.

You can see them in their true light. Part of this amazing universe, part of your world. Here for an important reason, to bring out love beyond all fear.

We can all love those people and that nutty thinking inside ourselves, unconditionally. You may notice…..they get quieter, more manageable, and they scream less.

Love, Grace

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Make A Decision!

Beliefs about the best ways to make decisions, how to make them, and when to make them can be really heavy without us even realizing it.

What exactly is a “decision”? It’s a great word. In the latin root it meant to CUT OFF or kill. Kind of dramatic. It’s like there are different pathways or roads, and to decide is to cut off all of them except one. Deciding means eliminating possibilities.

When someone is decisive, they are considered to have solved the problem, persuaded themselves or others, convinced, settled the situation. They are clear, they move on quickly, they have killed multiple choices.

People are seen as successful when they make clear, quick, “good” decisions. People are more wishy-washy or flaky, changeable, unpredictable if they change their minds or don’t know what they will decide.

It can be really fantastic and liberating to question beliefs and theories about making decisions. Are you sure that it’s best if you decide NOW? Are you sure that it’s true that choosing-not-to-decide-IS-a-decision? (I always loved that one, so stressful in some situations if you believe it).

Is it really true that it is best if you make a good, solid, quick, zippy decision? Or bad if you reconsider, take in more data or information, let things digest, or wait?

The mind that is very identified with YOU and YOUR SUCCESS loves to chatter away at you about your problems and other peoples’ problems. It will use scary tactics and threatening ideas to force you to decide or make you nervous about a decision you just made.

I love questioning any thought, ever, that arises about making decisions that is nerve-wracking, anxiety producing, anything that creates uncertainty.

  • I need to get moving
  • I absolutely must make a decision
  • Other people will think less of me if I don’t decide
  • Not deciding means I’m procrastinating/weak/anxious
  • I made the WRONG decision
  • I’m the one who decides, it’s up to me

Your smaller ME mind, some call it the ego, will be focused on one thing only. Making the RIGHT decision. No regrets. Making sure it works out for you and those around you.

“You have a decision to make, and your mind wants to know what the right decision is. But you realize that that isn’t a relevant concern anymore because your framework for decision making has been conditioned. A “right decision” according to whom? One person’s “right” is another person’s “wrong.” If you’re not going to make decisions based on right and wrong or should and shouldn’t– which only exist in thought–then how do you move?”~Adyashanti

What is beyond the me/ego/personal mind is infinite possibility, especially if there really is no right and no wrong. It’s vast, and silent. Notice how the Universe doesn’t really ever answer the question about what is absolutely right or wrong. It allows everything, there is nothing to resist. There is NO WRONG DECISION. And no right decision. Wow!

Do not despair if you don’t know what decision to make. The mind will put so much energy into good and bad, right and wrong, justifying what you are about to decide or what you just decided. It will spew out criticisms, lists, analyses about things you “decided” from 20 years ago even.

Instead, relax. I have found it’s all I can really do once I question my thinking that seems to enjoy churning out the list of pros and cons about everything. That becomes….boring, unimportant.

Instead, know that you don’t have to know how anything will turn out. Let yourself stop trying to find the right answer. Trust in the subtle silent force of life….of love, that is just here. If you’re not sure it’s here, question your thinking.

Even if this is not the acceptable norm of society, allow a decision to come by feeling out what is true beyond fear and worry, beyond what is YOU. Literally.

“A healed mind is relieved of the belief that it must plan….”~ A Course In Miracles

Love, Grace

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That Annoying Person Should Change

There are many spiritual and philosophical traditions that encourage humans to “take responsibility” for themselves.

What does this actually mean? I am “taking” the blame, duty, liability, charge, burden, accountability for my life for myself.

The word “taking” shows that I could leave responsibility out there on another person, events, the weather, my parents, the way I grew up…..in fact it’s almost like that’s where responsibility naturally is perceived to be—out there. That’s why I have to take it.

The odd thing is, in doing The Work or any form of self-inquiry, in reading many spiritual traditions and teachings, the more we take responsibility for our lives, the more there seems to be a murky line about where I end and the rest of the world begins.

In fact, I begin to see how wherever I go, whatever I see, whomever I’m interacting with…..there I am, present right in that situation. It’s like I’m a part of the universe all the time, everywhere.

(This reminds me of Dr. Hew Len, teacher of ho’oponopono from an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice. He told me once during a workshop how he noticed that everywhere he ever went in the world, when there was a problem, there was one common denominator—HE was there).

Debbie Ford wrote a wonderful book called Spiritual Divorce in which she writes about taking full and complete responsibility for her attraction, her marriage, and her divorce with her former husband.

It was a spiritual wake-up call, she says for taking responsibility for herself instead of blaming her partner.

So here I am willing and able to take responsibility for myself and my responses to the universe and the people in it, and I see some people in the world who are annoying, who have personality traits I don’t like or find repulsive.

I write down all the things I find most annoying about them. How I think that person should change. This is my list, on paper, of what is here that is unpleasant that I get to investigate. I expose my judgments. They are there anyway, so might as well admit it and take a look.

  • she is so sugary sweet and laughs way too often
  • she can’t stop talking
  • she is so superficial and talks about really boring things in life
  • she’s very negative, she complains too much
  • she is scared, needy, and clingy
  • I wish she would stop singing, whistling, babbling on

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean I now rip myself to shreds for being judgmental.

I see that annoying person, and I ask myself what is it in ME that is seeing this behavior, those words, that way of being as annoying? Can I watch it and look at it and see what else I’m believing?

I listened recently to Byron Katie doing the Work with a woman who was very annoyed with one of her friends. Katie asks the woman, who would you be without the thought that your friend is boring, negative, fearful, annoying or full of complaints?

Who would I be if I looked, without all the judging? If I didn’t think “I need to get away from her! I need to avoid spending time with her! She’s not that great a friend!”

I would see that this woman is being herself, and when I’m listening to her I’m afraid she will never stop talking. I am scared of her neediness, I’m scared of my own falseness when I see her, and my resistance to her. I think I should be helping out, I should be nicer. I’m afraid to speak up, thinking she will be hurt, and then I will be hurt. I’m stuck. I’m sad that this woman feels so worried, frantic, and makes so much noise. I’m sad she’s not able to relax. I’m sad thatI am not able to relax around her!

I see how this annoying person should not change until I step up and take responsibility for how I feel in her presence. She is showing me what I am scared of in the world, what I think I can’t handle. She is showing me where I forget my sense of humor, compassion, and kindness, which are so much more natural for me than being annoyed.

“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.”~Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

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Choose Your Poison

The mind is funny. The other day I had the image appear (among thousands that pop in and out all day long) of one cowboy saying to another cowboy in an old wild west bar, with a gravelly voice, “greetings friend….choose your poison“. They are calling all the available liquor choices “poison”. The choice will be made which one to drink, and then they’ll sit together and talk.

The dictionary defines poison as a substance that is harmful, impairs health. Something with an inherent property of destruction to life.

There’s something defiant and totally transparent about naming the alcohol “poison”. Humorous. Not afraid, aware of what’s going on. Simple.

What is tricky is when there are other substances or much more subtle agreements about the poison we’re all going to choose to drink together and we think we’re defiant and full of laughter about it….but it’s not all that amusing.

Some of these all-group lets-join-together and drink the poison are broad beliefs like these:

  • having a young, thin, physically fit body is best
  • making lots of money is extremely important
  • finding a mate or partner or love will make me happy
  • working on oneself for improvement is vital to a better life
  • spiritual enlightenment is the best goal anyone could have

Any one of these can feel very positive, exciting, and adventurous. But when we believe they are 100% absolutely true and that I have to be the one choosing it, then holding any of these beliefs can be harmful….can destroy openness, mystery.

Believing these with all our might can actually impair our ability to have an incredible, magical relationship with the universe.

Spiritual beliefs and beliefs about how to live a good life can feel safe and comfortable, but it’s amazing that even these, if written down on paper, can be easily questioned.

I remember when I first realized that I couldn’t be sure of anything being true when it came to God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, or spiritual beliefs or principles of any kind.

Pretty frightening. You mean, nothing is certain? I can’t be sure of any clear answers? I don’t really LIKE the empty feeling, I don’t really like how unknown it all is.

“Even the most benevolent, exalted beliefs just separate us from the mysetry of life as it is. The more you set aside your beliefs and encounter life directly, without argument or struggle, the more you discover a natural responsiveness that’s inherently gentle, loving, and ethical and doesn’t require a spiritual worldview to maintain.”~Stephan Bodian

There is an “I” here that seems like me that wants to say that if I give up all seeking and confess that there is no definitive answer about anything, that I’ll be selfish and self-centered, or despairing and unhappy.

Look again at what you imagine is the worst that could happen if you Don’t Know for sure about anything.

What if you don’t choose any poison? Or what if you choose but you don’t really drink it, you just let it set on the table right in front of you and then go on about your conversations. Or…even if you drink it, you notice that the effect wears off and you’re back to I-don’t-know. (You can bounce around there, drinking and having it wear off over and over if you choose).

It seems like this is the experience of everyone. Nothing Absolute.  Many flavors.

“The Tao is infinite, eternal. Why is it eternal? It was never born; thus it can never die. Why is it infinite? It has no desires for itself; thus it is present for all beings. The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao te Ching #7

See if you can stay with the Unknown and be with it. Find out if it’s safe. See for yourself if the mysterious universe is loving and friendly. No rules.

And by the way, I like that others have had life-shifting experiences and that they have described them as Friendly. We can remember this when the going gets tough and we need a little comfort. It helps us continue to question it all.

Byron Katie says  she found out that when she believed her thoughts, she suffered, and when she didn’t believe her thoughts, she felt peace. That’s why I love questioning everything, and not choosing ANY poison.

Love, Grace

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Dictator-Chaos Bouncy House

In my work with many, many people with concerns about their diet and their relationship with food over the past 15 years, from ages 14 to 80, a wonderful awareness comes forward when people realize that controlling themselves vs having zero control is a core human painful experience.

Those of us with painful experiences of eating or not-eating are not alone in feeling out of control and then in control.

I call it the Dictator–Chaos Bouncy House. If you’ve ever been in an obvious addictive pattern of using something, like food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling….then you’re really familiar with it.

It goes like this: “I am NOT going to let this situation scare me, this person bug me, this experience make me fail”. The body is tight, fists clenched, thinking is directed. Our mind says things like I-will-never, I-will-always, how-dare-you, never-look-back…” This is the Dictator stance.

Then, we want to get away from the Dictator (understandably….have you ever been in a concentration camp?). We want to feel free, alive, I-can-do-whatever-I-want, live-today-for- tomorrow- I-could-die, who cares what happens! The diet can go to hell! All hell breaks loose! Chaos! Wildness! Freedom! Insobriety!

The core beliefs are shouting and very painful “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!”

This life, this situation, this existence. Even if you have no substantive addictive cycle in your life, the mind loves to think that there is a Problem here. It loves to solve problems. It loves to divide and conquer and analyze and come up with a Plan.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass today, one wonderful participant spoke of the vast, empty feeling she had when entering her home after a day of being out. Another two thought about entering the house at the end of the day thinking about all that needed to be done….too much.

I remember in the past, if I had an entire evening to myself and I felt even a tiny bit self-critical about something undone in my life, I might choose to enter Chaos instead of staying with the dark emptiness.

Drink, eat, smoke, shop, video, phone, chat, read, computer, gossip, dream…fill it up. Forget about that Nothingness thing or The List of to-do’s.

If I don’t get away from that feeling of emptiness, or fear, overwhelm or anger….that would be terrible. Devastating, too terrifying. So painful, stressful. Nooooooooo!

But then what happens if I don’t HAVE to do something about this empty moment full of loneliness or fear? Am I SURE that there is no one else, nothing else in existence out there (in here?) Am I sure there is no happiness, no sensation of peace possible? Am I sure it is all darkness, hopeless, impossible? Is it true that this is BAD?

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, thus he is truly powerful. The ordinary man keeps reaching for power, thus he never has enough. The Master does nothing, yet he leaves nothing undone. The ordinary man is always doing things, yet many more are left to be done. The kind man does something, yet something remains undone. The just man does something, and leaves many things to be done. The moral man does something, and when no one responds he rolls up his sleeves and uses force. 

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is morality. When morality is lost, there is ritual. Ritual is the husk of true faith, the beginning of chaos. Therefore the Master concerns himself with the depths and not the surface, with the fruit and not the flower. He has no will of his own. He dwells in reality, and lets all illusions go.~Tao te Ching #38

Here I am in this moment with my empty house and free time, and the Thought Factory offering suggestions for what I could do with this moment.

Can I have a real look at reality, right here even in THIS moment, and not attempt to assert my own will? Is love present here?…..joy?….silence?….no illusions?  I need to do something, I need to feel something different from what is here right now, I am not safe….is it true?

Love, Grace

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