Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.
Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.
I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.
It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:
- I need her love
- I want his love
- They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
- That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
- She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
- He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
- People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
- Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship
Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.
Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!
In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.
Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.
No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.
But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.
But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.
The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.
Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.
If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.
There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?
And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?
What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?
Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?
No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.
This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to. Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.
As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.
This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.
Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?
Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?
Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.
“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck
Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.
Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.
I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself. Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.
Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.
With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.
Love, Grace
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Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)