One of my favorite experiences in looking at myself from the inside out, using The Work and other self-inquiry, has been to say NO.
- No, I am not able to talk with you right now
- No, I love that you asked, and the answer is no
- No, I do not want to meet with you
- No, I’m not going to pay that price or give that amount of money
- No, I don’t want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you
- No, thank you for offering, I’m not hungry/thirsty/tired/sleepy/etc
- No, I don’t want to live here
Recently a wonderful reader and inquirer wrote in about how life-changing it was for her to move away from painful relationships she once had. I love that she had this experience of freedom.
Sometimes people will think that to do The Work or open to all possibilities for peace, that the response is passive.
If I do The Work and I love-what-is then I will lie down on the ground and people will step over me or kick me or forget about me….
Loving What Is means I love everything? I’d be floating around in a war zone and not even know it, thinking that all the bombs, explosions, blood, death or torture were loveable. That would be dangerous! Crazy!
But doing The Work or inquiring deeply on our internal war-like thinking does not mean to suffer through difficult experiences and keep quiet, stay, or force yourself to do something you really don’t want to do. That is not peaceful.
Doing The Work is not creating a passive life, where there is no action or movement. In fact, I have found that doing The Work offers greater loving power than I ever thought possible.
I remember once having a client come see me who reported that he was bipolar, needed medication for anxiety, had a history of seeing many, many therapists, and wanted a discount and insurance coverage.
I knew I was not the counselor for him. I was not able to prescribe medications even though I knew a lot about them, I don’t offer insurance coverage, and unlike most people I encounter, I didn’t have the feeling deeply that I was the right person or that I even felt drawn to him. This was unusual. I knew to say “no”.
In the past, I’ve had two romantic interests where despite an attraction, I also felt discourse, unrest, lack of peace, confusion and neediness. It would start with a feeling that the person I was interested in should feel better, be happier….I had a longing for their healing.
I would see the beauty in that person, how funny they were, how generous or kind they wanted to be at all times, and how they weren’t able to be for some reason. My love would help them! They even said so!
I discovered by doing The Work that I loved being the patient, loving, thoughtful, calm, kind person. By comparison to their personal behavior or agony, I looked really good. Conscientious, generous, even-keeled, very accepting.
But while I may have looked like I was patient, kind, and accepting with that person, I was not that way with myself.
One of the most obvious and dramatic examples of this is when someone is in a relationship with a person who hits them, or breaks things, or yells all the time, or says mean or vicious things often……and the person who receives the blow does not leave.
This is really not kind, to YOU. Saying “no” is what is perfect when you say “yes” to being kind to yourself. In fact, the person who has done the hitting may even feel relieved, calmer, more peaceful and kinder. Which is what you really want, right?
Loving your “enemies”, loving what is, does not mean I stay in the presence of everyone who has been violent. In fact, I do the Work, on my own, with paper and pen and a facilitator. (I personally find it essential to have a person facilitate me when it’s a repetitive experience or issue that feels big and confusing).
I meet my own mind and my own opposing thoughts, I am free to come and go, to say yes and no, to be in or out of the presence of other humans when that choice is offered.
“When you question what you believe, the mind is free, and it’s no longer at war with itself. And it’s unlimited–genius is an understatement…..
Are you taking care of yourself? Or are you taking care of him as a trade-off so that he will think well of you?”~Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
Once a great friend told me she loved asking herself the question “what would kindness do?” Many of us immediately think about what would be most kind for everyone else around us.
This means to ask it first of yourself, as you are the only person you can most deeply attend to. And if you are honestly kind to yourself, then you will be kind to the people around you.
Saying “no” to interaction with someone may be very kind. There may be someone better for them to connect with who is much more suited to the task.
“When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Love, Grace
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