Very recently I re-read the first few chapters of Loving What Is by Byron Katie for a class.
In the Introduction of the book, a woman is sitting with Katie, doing The Work on her husband.
One of the woman’s thoughts she has about her husband: I hate the way he breathes.
Hilarious! So perfectly childish, petty, and yet the kind of thought most of us have had in our lifetimes that has left us feeling annoyed, unhappy, definitely NOT peaceful.
Having a stressful thought means that I think the thought, it passes into my mind, and almost instantly I believe it’s true, then I have uncomfortable, difficult, troubling feelings or responses of any kind. Even these silly, babyish thoughts about people and their breathing.
This reminded me that I know one person whose voice is annoying….like annoying enough that I cringe at the sound sometimes.
When I ask myself what that’s about, there are many meanings I attach to that voice. It’s too nicey-nice, it’s fakey, it’s false, the person is needy, there is no range, it’s controlled, the words are too slow, patronizing. All of these beliefs come out of that voice, or vice versa.
The woman working with Katie really was upset with her husband for being needy, not being aware, not being powerful, for being dependent, out of shape. These are all the thoughts located inside this woman—they are not true for those of us listening, we don’t even know this man who is her husband. But we’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.
If that person is needy, then I’m outta here! Gross! I resist being open to them, even physically in my body I brace ever so slightly against the sound of their voice, their breathing.
We start proving all the moments are true that show how needy, powerless, and dependent those people are. Building up the story of those messed up needy people over there.
So….to turn things around and look at ourselves, this is the great self-inquiry. Can I see that right in that moment that I’m wishing that person wasn’t so needy that I am needing them to change? They need to stop acting needy, and then I won’t feel so frustrated.
I am trapped, in that moment, in waiting for that person to change so that I can be happy. Very hopeless, very impossible, random, unknown, a roll of the dice whether they can make the change or not. And I am 100% in need of that person to make the first move.
This is called being a victim. My mind is full of what THEY need to do so that I can be excited, thrilled, happy, safe, comfortable, loving, peaceful.
What if they will never, ever change and the only person who could change is you, from the inside out? There they are, doing what they do, being themselves (breathing and speaking) and now I get to work with how to be truly stress-free in their presence.
Reality is, that person presents themselves in the world in that way. I can argue with the way they are, or stop arguing and see what that would be like, for a change.
“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality…..When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”~ Byron Katie
Think about something very small but irritating in your world, something you see that you feel annoyed with. It doesn’t have to be a huge, major, difficult dilemma in life (although painful thinking of every kind can be taken to inquiry).
Now what if you didn’t believe it was true that it should change, so you can feel better?
“The generals have a saying: ‘Rather than make the first move it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard.’ This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons. There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~ Tao te Ching #69
Do you think there will be greater change if you enter the room hating that person’s breathing and the sound of their voice, and believing they are needy?
Or, if you enter the room NOT knowing, seeing with different eyes, being open to the beauty in that human being, being open to how much you actually care about them?
If that breathing-annoying-voiced person offered you a path to peace (and they do, because they apparently show up and throw you out of peacefulness) then you would sit with their image in your mind, you would ask yourself questions about what you are really believing is dangerous about them.
Even if you felt sick to your stomach, you would not underestimate this person, thinking of them as absolutely 100% incapable of peace, evil. You would see them as worthy, and by this, you would see yourself as worthy as well.
You are worthy of yielding. You are worthy of going forward without advancing, without using weapons (including verbal attack). Worthy of questioning how, why, when you feel threatened by someone’s breathing or voice. Are you absolutely sure you can’t wait and see?
“Defense is the first act of war” ~Byron Katie
Love, Grace