As so many of you already know, I work with people often who have some compulsive behavior(s) they want to quit.
Anyone who has ever had this experience knows it feels very frustrating and frightening. The self-criticism that appears around this is brutal.
The compulsion to Do Something is deep in many humans. It feels overwhelming, almost like there is no choice, like the person engaged in the process is compelled, beyond all reason, to act.
It doesn’t matter if the compulsion is to take drugs, smoke, drink alcohol, take medicine, work, exercise, drink coffee, watch TV, eat ice cream, watch porn, smoke something, play computer games, check your cell phone, go on Facebook, be sexual, gamble, or shop….it all comes from a similar source.
I hate this moment. I MUST do something to change this moment.
It has been one of the most liberating experiences for me in life to look at what I think I hate that drives me to force a change.
- People are mean, stupid or hurtful
- Someone abandoned me, I am all alone
- I need money, pleasure, love, entertainment
- The world is a dangerous place
- This is boring
- I can’t handle this feeling of sadness, anger, grief, or fear
- Something about me isn’t good enough
- Life is hard
Every single one of these thoughts can be taken to inquiry. Every one can be examined to find out if they are really 100% true.
The best way that I have found to work with what I am against about life, where I conclude in the flash of a second that this moment is not good, is to slow the whole thing down to sooooo slow that it’s practically at a stand-still (can you hear the slow-motion voice moving like molasses?)
First, why is that moment uncomfortable, bad, annoying, or sad? Make a list (like the one above in bullets).
Then take just one of the thoughts you’ve written and look at it.
Is it true? Can you absolutely know it? Are you positive?
You can see how you react when you believe your thoughts are true. You use some substance or behavior or thinking process to “find relief”. You lash out at other people, or at yourself.
You try to find comfort somewhere, anywhere.
I used to wolf down food when I felt someone was angry with me or disapproved of me. It scared me to death, because I thought they were right. I thought I was inadequate, not good enough. Eat-eat-eat, then starve-starve-starve.
This weekend I decided to not drink coffee and just see what my entertaining little mind would come up with about why it needed the coffee, what coffee was for, and what big disaster would occur if I never drank it again.
I identified what I thought coffee did for me. It’s was a cure for lack of energy and boredom.
Which I don’t actually have, it turns out. I was just anticipating the possibility of not having energy and being bored, or not having enough money. That would be HORRIBLE! OMG!
Who would I be without the thought that coffee helps me push, get pumped up, wake up, turn up the volume, do other activities, work, get things done, and get more energy?
Who would I be without the thought that I need anything to be different in that moment right before the auto-pilot cup of morning coffee?
Free. Not enslaved to “having” to drink it.
Without the thought that life is hard, or boring, or that I can’t handle certain feelings or emotions, or that I need money or love or excitement, or that the world is a dangerous place, or that someone was mean to me, or that I’m not good enough…
This present moment is full, expansive, packed with colors, movement, sound. I am awake. This body feels whatever its feeling and there are no emergencies.
Without these stressful thoughts, the feeling that I need to DO SOMETHING goes away.
No compulsions.
“Suffering is how life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true…Deeper understanding and insight flow forth from a quiet mind.”~Adyashanti
Every time I have ever thought “I need to do _____” some small or large level of suffering has followed.
Now when I stop and inquire, I discover peace and quiet. Nothing lacking.
If I can do it, anyone can. Seriously.
If you’d like to inquire in a group on your biggest fears about life and the world being a dangerous place, come join the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass that starts Thursday. We’ll meet from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. All you need is a telephone. All assignments are sent via email. Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to join or have questions.
Love, Grace
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- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.