When I look back over the past ten years when I first put a toe in the pool of inquiry, very tentatively, it seems like the whole idea hit me somewhat slowly.
I had Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. In paperback (there was no rush to get it in hardback when it first appeared). Her book was in all the bookstores, and I heard about it from other people in the holistic health professions like me.
It’s as if during the course of reading the book, one night I had a dream and woke up and for an instant, for one-one-hundredth of a hair, I thought I was in another unusual place.
Then I realized I was still in my own familiar bedroom, and as my day unfolded I forgot about it, mostly.
Every time I came back for another chapter I got more intrigued.
I would think “Really? She can’t be saying….no, that can’t be possible to question THAT…oh gosh, I think I’ve been believing a bunch of stuff this WHOLE TIME (my whole life) that may not be true…But no, not that, too…”
It was like a seesaw of deep doubt and incredible fascination.
In the course of the next few “early” years my life exploded into finding other authors and teachers. A huge expansion of awareness…and confusion.
My first crisis after meeting The Work, that I’ve shared before with you all, was my primary relationship falling apart.
It felt like I was falling down a gigantic black hole. I had a dream that I was Alice In Wonderland at the time, but a little more creepy.
Fear around many turns and twists. My mind full of images and panic, or its own personal army.
And also at that time…just the right dose of sane.
Someone would say a little sentence that was filled with love and trust. I got facilitated in The Work every single week on Monday mornings by a dear fellow-journeyer on the path, and I facilitated her back. We did that religiously for two years.
I had three other powerful friends who also facilitated me. They seemed to be available right when I was having an “emergency” of painful feelings.
My top beliefs: I am abandoned, I am betrayed.
Every time they perked up, I would do The Work. It’s what I had found that “worked” the best for my speedy rabbit mind.
Right in the middle of that time, someone said “there is someone called Debbie Ford who has the perspective of turning around Divorce as a spiritual initiation of sorts, an entrance into a whole new world of love.”
I got Debbie’s book immediately “Spiritual Divorce: Divorce As A Catalyst For An Extraordinary Life“.
I now honestly see that that period of time was an evolutionary step for me into ending my stressful, imprisoned beliefs about love relationships.
I had a lot to uncover and un-do. I believed thoughts like this:
- People shouldn’t leave me
- If someone is close, they should talk with me and tell me what they’re thinking
- Men shouldn’t get tired of me (they do)
- I need to be “nice” every possible minute to other people, even if that’s not honest
- I need to hide my feelings of disappointment, anger, or hurt
- I can’t be happy without a primary partner
- I can’t depend on anyone
- No one should ever resent me (I try so hard at being GOOD, jeez!)
Boy. I thought I was so mature, advanced and intellectual.
But those childish, desperate, non-politically-correct beliefs were there, loud and clear.
As I did The Work every chance I could, I began to read Debbie’s book. She was a living example of a turnaround, right there in the pages, when I couldn’t find my own turnarounds.
Because I was there, reading her words, I knew this turnaround existed. I could pull it in to myself. I could start finding my own turnarounds.
I could find how this might be the best thing that ever happened to me, given that what I most wanted in my entire life was freedom, understanding, and unconditional love.
I wanted a powerful, brilliant, trusting, willing, ecstatic relationship with The Universe, the world, Reality.
I had no idea how afraid I had been of reality. Pure terror. I hadn’t felt safe in life. It had nothing to do with my partner, or any of the people who I felt had abandoned me.
“One day, while I was pointing my finger at [my estranged husband] Dan and blaming him for my pain, I realized that only the unhealthy, unconscious part of me would blame someone else for my feelings. I saw that from the day we got married I had been blaming Dan for my circumstances. While a neat excuse, this explanation had the unfortunate downside of being a lie. “~ Debbie Ford
I was stunned back then at how wide my illusion spread.
I thought my feelings about fear of being abandoned had to do with other people. I even thought my view of God/Source/Universe was that it/he/she was busy, someplace far away, not all that interested.
What if I questioned, truly questioned, whether or not I was abandoned, or betrayed?
Could I absolutely know that it was true?
No. I was set free.
“The journey of awakening—the classical journey of the mythical hero or heroine—is one of continually coming up against big challenges and then learning how to soften and open….starting to say yes to life, is first of all realizing that you’ve come up against your edge, that everything in you is saying no, and then at that point, softening.”~ Pema Chodron
Thank you Debbie, for showing me how.
Love, Grace