Tag: changing your mind

Posted on

Waking up to reality: love doesn’t mean saying yes

Have you ever been super scared of someone?

Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.

Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.

We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.

But then what?

Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?

What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?

I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.

It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.

As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.

I went deeply into The Work.

After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..

….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.

But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.

Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.

I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”

I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:

I need her to love me again.

It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.

Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.

Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.

I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.

Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?

Phew. So relieved.

Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.

Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.

Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.

Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.

“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Changing Your Mind Is Loving

Have you ever wanted to change your mind about something, and felt anxious?

You buy a brand new sweater, maybe its expensive for you.

You take it home….but then, rats.

I’m not sure I love this as much as I thought. Now that I have it here at home, it doesn’t look as great as I thought in the store. 

You think “maybe I’ll take it back”.

Later on, when you look at it again, you decide yes, you are taking it back, and you rummage through the garbage can for the receipt.

This is such a hassle, I wish I hadn’t bought the sweater in the first place…I KNEW I didn’t love it 100%. Now I have to go all the way back to that store downtown and fight with parking.

Or maybe you’re invited to a big party. When you first got the invitation, it sounded really exciting. You sent an RSVP of “YES! I’ll be there with a +1 GUEST!”

The day of the event comes and you’re heavy into doing a major closet-cleaning project, you feel so good about finally doing it and you’re on a roll…and you start thinking “maybe I won’t go after all, I could really use this time to finish this project!”

But you’re worried you’re going to miss an epic gathering, miss seeing some great people, disappoint the host.

You go anyway, and as you walk in you realize your favorite people aren’t there, it’s boring, and your house project seems so much more appealing.

You got it. You know what you want to do.

Not this.

A good friend of mine told me once when she was dating mid-life after twenty years of marriage, at first she was crazy nervous.

After getting over the jitters of “will the person like me?” she discovered….what about if I’m not feeling it, and I have no further interest in them?

Could she actually say to this new person….

….thanks for meeting, and I’m now done….

….even if it was only 15 minutes into the date?

It would be so rude to change her mind!!

Right?

Always some level of hassle about the change. You’re saying you don’t want it, when before you said you did.

Rude.

Are you sure, though?

Where did that “don’t be rude” rule come from anyway?

Why is it considered “rude”?

Because of the meaning that might be assumed to be true behind this change-of-mind.

Liking something means you’re connected, happy, fun, encouraging, appreciative, gracious, like-able.

Not liking something means you’re closed, picky, disconnected, ungrateful, judgmental, standoffish, unwilling, separate.

But is any of that really true?

No.

Funny how the feeling inside persists that saying yes to something is easier than saying no.

So this inquiry is for that part that still wants to say yes, instead of no, the part that still thinks yes is being easy-going and fun, and no is being rude.

How do you react when you think as something enters your life, saying yes to it with open arms is easier, happier, more fun, more exciting, more like-able? And saying no is colder, more unfriendly, more resistant or ungrateful?

I say yes. All the time.

If I feel a “no” inside, I analyze it, mull it over, question it, wonder what others will think of me, worry about their feelings. ANXIETY!

Thinking overload. I may talk to others about it, get their opinion.

What do YOU think of this sweater? Are you going to the party? Are you enjoying yourself?

If THEY say yes, you add it to the points in your own “yes” category, boost them up a bit (notice it may seem to help, but it really doesn’t).

Who would you be without the belief that saying yes is better than saying no? In any situation?

Sooooo much more relaxed. Allowing things to unfold and roll along as they do. Noticing my “no” and feeling joyful and happy about it. Loving what I take in about other people’s opinions, valuing them and hearing them, and knowing when consulting others is done.

Turning these thoughts around: changing my mind is beautiful, sweet, loving, kind, surprising, interesting, fascinating.

I notice that the more I relax with the present moment “yes” or “no” that’s inside my heart, the less decision-agony I have in my life.

In fact, it’s like night and day.

I used to get sick to my stomach when I thought about changing my mind. Or trying to over-consider what other people would think, how they would react, what they might say, do, or feel if I did. Or what I might miss out on, how I might fail.

I wound up being more rude when I agonized about changing my mind in the past, than I ever am nowadays.

I was rude to myself, I was rude to the present-moment experience, trying to make the perfect un-rude choice.

What if NOT liking something means you’re connected, happy, fun, encouraging, appreciative, gracious, like-able?

WOOHOO!

“I have to go inside myself and find genuine answers, answer that are true for me. When I find what is true for me, there are no obstacles anymore. There are no barriers between me and my partner, or between me and anyone in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace