You have to, must, ought to, should. Who would you be without this violent story?
Well for some reason beyond me a new Peace Talk podcast has just emerged. Peace Talk is a short (10ish mins) podcast on inquiry, and the joy of questioning pain and suffering.
The thought I’m sharing, so very worth questioning?
I HAVE TO…(work, be nice, give, say yes, leave, stay, lose weight)!!
Such a difficult belief!
People think this all the time and it fills them with dread, anxiety, fury, even rage.
I have to go to my stupid job, I have to lose weight, I have to quit smoking, I have to clean this mess, I have to figure out my relationship status, I have to go away, I have to take care of him, I have to find my keys.
Is it actually true, that you have to do this in order to be happy?
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we were looking closely. One of our group members was answering the four questions (although everyone is always doing The Work right alongside whoever’s talking, it’s a shared group call in inquiry).
Her feeling was that she HAD to lose weight and get to the weight she has in her mind that she knows will make her happy. She was happy once before at that weight.
You might have this about something else having to do with the body. If only I looked younger, didn’t have this illness, didn’t have this injury.
Or what about working? I used to think non-stop about career, job and money that the only way to make it happen was to suffer and get to the office every day. No creativity, no power, no contribution…just do what they say.
You have to.
But are you sure?
Do you really absolutely have to, to achieve happiness? Are you being forced? Are you like a prisoner, trapped in this dynamic?
No.
How do you react when you think you HAVE TO?
I resent. I fume. I feel I will need to sacrifice in order to get happiness. I can’t be relaxed, peaceful, clear and totally free. Freedom is nowhere in sight. I’m stuck.
Who would you be if you really did not have this thought?
This is an incredible thought to question. What if you never thought “I have to…..” with any stress, concern, anxiety, or resentment?
I notice I don’t ever have the thought “I have to breathe” during any day. Yet I do have to, in order to stay alive. But I’m not concerned.
Only if I feel a threat to getting air and breathing would I ever have the idea that I HAVE TO breathe (and I could question that).
So it feels to me like this have-to thought enters the mind when there’s concern for survival. I am threatened in some way, so I think I have to do something, because otherwise….no safety. I’ll lose something, I’ll suffer, I’ll hurt, I’ll die.
But what if we really didn’t have the thought in a backdrop of needing to survive, or be protected or safe?
What if it wasn’t a HAVE TO like someone yelling at you in an emergency?
I look around in this moment, listening, feeling this room, feeling the life force living me. No need to do anything, even though I am noticing the clock and realize I will leave in a car soon to go dance. I don’t have to, though.
I notice with my body, I don’t have to eat the “correct” way OR eat an off-balance way. I don’t have to smoke, or ingest something. I don’t have to get up out of the chair.
I can wait.
I can take the easy way, the way where “I” do not have to do anything all by myself but instead the universe/reality and I are together in this deal.
‘I have to go to the bathroom’ is not a stressful thought if I’m happy about where this bathroom thing might lead. Do I ask someone where the bathrooms are? Will I walk several blocks to find a bathroom? Will I feel the sensation of bladder filling up and follow the simple directions?
What if going to work, losing weight, responding to someone’s request, being free is a matter of following the simple directions? No making this so stressful and complicated, or feeling like a victim in the middle of a huge oppressive world?
I do not HAVE TO.
My thinking “has to”….work, lose weight, stop smoking, leave, stay (fill in the blank of the thing you believe you have to do).
“If it hurts, it’s your thinking that’s hurting you. Nothing else is possible. In my experience, there’s no exception to this. I am responsible for my own freedom, totally.” ~ Byron Katie
Those thoughts you’re thinking? Not good enough! (But is it true?)
This month my world is full of inquiry about body, diseases, conditions, ailments.
Year of Inquiry is looking at body, Eating Peace Process is looking at body.
And yesterday morning, a powerful stressful worksheet appeared. On the mind itself.
We’ve all probably had those kinds of thoughts about the mind itself. It’s not to be trusted, it’s over-thinking, it’s freaking out, it should stop believing.
The thought brought forward for inquiry?
“My mind is sabotaging what I want.”
Suddenly I remembered working with someone a long time ago who made an appointment to do The Work because she wasn’t doing the law of attraction right. She thoughts was supposed to be thinking positively at all times, apparently, and feeling peaceful or excited despite not having such peaceful thoughts. She felt she was failing at getting what she wanted, because of her own brain.
This is a truly amazing story to question. I’ve been there myself.
If I just question my thinking enough….I’ll get somewhere different.
Now, it’s weird, because you WILL probably get somewhere different, at least I’ve found this to be deeply true, and yet “trying” to get somewhere different can be exceptionally stressful–and it means, inherently, that here, now, is NOT the place to be.
So let’s question this powerful and subtle little idea that this mind is screwing things up, and making it so you aren’t happy, you aren’t getting what you want, and your life isn’t as good as it could be.
Is it true?
Well….yeah! Right? I’ve heard Katie and other thought leaders say that all problems are in the mind. So this brain is a problem! It should be different!!
Are you sure? Can you absolutely know this to be true?
Wow. No.
Apparently thinking happens, and it’s sometimes stressful, and sometimes exciting. It doesn’t appear to go away just because we tell it to.
Thinking happens, I notice. Stressful thinking.
I really can’t know it’s true it should be otherwise.
How do you react when you believe your mind isn’t working well enough, or you can’t achieve what you want because of YOUR thinking, or abilities to work with thought?
Frustrated! Depressed!
The woman who did The Work with me on everything that was wrong with her mind and her thoughts was disappointed when she believed her mind should be different. She felt hopeless, unhappy, not as happy as those other people with better minds
This thought, about thought, is a tricky little thought, isn’t it?
But who would you be without this belief, or this assessment, that the mind is screwing things up, sabotaging what you want, making it so you’re unsuccessful?
LOL!
I’d look around this present moment, little twinkling lantern lights out through the window, and experience the flash of no mind for a second. Not Knowing. Not necessary to know.
I’d watch those wild thoughts careening around, swinging in the wind, giving orders and suggestions and having images and ideas….
….and not take the whole condition seriously.
Or, there goes the mind again, taking another lap.
Woman on couch with a thinking brain with activity happening in it, not being against “thought”.
What if All This is not up to me?
What if fixing, contorting, changing, updating, improving the mind is not possible as a project? What if this mind is somehow the way it is, and there’s nothing I can actually do about it?
(And, I notice I can question the thoughts it produces).
Kind of amazing, right?
Turning the thought around: my mind is NOT sabotaging what I want. What I want is what’s happening. What I want is here, now….not in the future, later (which I’m aware does not yet exist).
Could this be just as true, or truer?
So exciting to think there’s nothing missing, and no enemy sabotaging me, and nothing dangerous about my mind.
How is this true?
Why, I’m alive now at this perfect moment able to look around, breathe, see, take in this environment. What if nothing was wrong?
What if this mind was just right, doing a brilliant job at inventing, imagining, believing, questioning….and it’s not ultimately up to “me” (whatever “me” is)?
“Mediocrity, that’s the place to be. Balance. There’s something wrong? There’s something right! But the ego is in opposition to that everything-is-right nature. It gets very invested.” ~ Byron Katie in Being With Byron Katie Ojai Feb 2017
It’s perfect to be this way, brain that gets set off. And who knows if the mind has anything to do with getting what’s wanted, or not.
But I do know, when I question my thinking, right now is pretty dang good. Nice that I get to notice that reality, including my “mind”, is doing a fabulous job being itself.
Could that other person be so upsetting…because a part of you is just like them? Are you sure they aren’t spiritual?
The other day, while driving along in silence, I suddenly remembered an old conversation with an acquaintance.
Funny how that happens sometimes in your car, or perhaps when you’re somehow required to wait or on the road traveling and getting the body from Point A to Point B. Your mind gets to wander and travel a little, too. You have free-floating memories and images ticker-tape by.
This old friend had said, in response to a conversation about being on a journey of awakening “I’ve been at this a long time.” He implied he knows a LOT. He sounded like he thought of himself as further along than other folks asking questions in satsang (group gatherings in meditation practice with a teacher). He didn’t really need to be there, he said, it was just amusing to him to get new material from the words the teacher used.
As I recalled the conversation, the thought went through my head “what a big ego that guy had!”
Have you ever thought someone had a big fat ego?
Let’s do The Work today on someone you’ve known, ever in your life (yes, THAT person) who was so full of themselves, thought they were such a genius at some topic.
Maybe a boss, or a leader you encountered. Perhaps a family member. I remember students sharing this thought about certain professors. I’ve heard this quite a bit from people in the political scene lately. Ahem.
In my case of remembering, how funny that I could find someone was an egotistical know-it-all on Spiritual Enlightenment.
Hmmm, now that I think about it, I’ve had this exact same thought on more than one person.
Interesting. Because when I discover I’ve judged more than one person for the same type of displeasing quality (according to me) then I know I definitely need to do The Work.
And ONE person with a disturbing quality is enough.
So let’s go.
He is such an egomaniac. He thinks he’s so ultra-spiritual. He should have some humility, instead of thinking he’s better than others. Jeez! He should quit advising people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What a loser.
Yes, my thoughts running through were that mean.
And no, don’t start turning it around immediately to yourself and thinking you know where this is going. That’s such a good ploy for the mind to use to get you off track. It’s not The Work.
We need to break it down, slowly.
(Even slower than this Grace Note. To really dig into this thought that someone else is too full of themselves, you’d do The Work thoroughly one thought at a time!)
So, is it true they’re over-the-top big ego, when it comes to this topic (in my case, spiritual awareness)?
Yes!
I mean, look at him. He used to be a drug addict. Now, he’s all Mr. Peaceful trying to start a business as a spiritual advisor. Seriously?? He doesn’t listen to anyone (including me)….He’s way too needy. He acts like a jerk, he….
Um, just a sec. When you start justifying, explaining, pointing things out, telling stories about this person, you aren’t actually answering the question. The question is: “Is it true, what you believe about this person and their ego?”
Sigh.
No.
I don’t even know him very well.
Even if you say “yes” to this question, notice, and keep going.
Next question: How do you react when you think this is true about this person, that they’re an egomaniac?
Terrified! Angry! Enraged! Planning how to avoid them, or hoping something happens to them to take them down a notch. Yikes. it’s mean, vengeful, victim-y. I’m definitely disgusted, and At War with this person and their apparent “ego” and their words and mannerisms. I complain about them in my head, or talk about them to other people.
So who would you be without this very stressful story? Seriously, what if you couldn’t even have the thought that this person is a jerkish loser who has worthless advice for everyone and isn’t as smart or right as he says he is?
Huh.
Hold still and think about it for a minute.
This person, who you’ve raved about because they’ve got such a gigantic ego….what if you couldn’t have such thoughts about them? How would it feel?
More relaxed, for sure.
Suddenly, I’m aware at all the intense raging energy I put on that person. Like he’s soooo bad, it ruined my day. And how, without that energy and that feeling, my experience of him would be much kinder, less serious, more can-do, to be honest.
I see he’s just talking. He’s participating. He’s having a conversation. He’s saying what feels right to him in the moment. He’s very, very interested in this topic. He’s done a lot to get to the place he’s gotten.
Have I?
I don’t have to agree with him, but I can regard him without my thoughts of vicious judgment towards him. I can notice that here in my car, all is quiet, and quite spacious, and my life is not very impacted by this other guy’s commentary or activities.
But even if your life IS impacted by someone you think of as having a massively huge ego the size of Montana….what would it be like to be in their presence without thinking you’re in a war against them? Without the belief they’re SO WRONG you’re ready to have a fit like a Tazmanian Devil?
Wow, I’d be lighter. I’d feel more excited about taking true action. I might make a few phone calls.
Turning the thoughts around: He is NOT an egomaniac, he’s humble, maybe even insecure. He does NOT think he’s ultra-spiritual. He never said anything about being better than others. He should advise people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He knows what he’s talking about. What a winner.
Hmmm. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, all he really said in that conversation long ago was that he couldn’t relate to most of the other people attending the retreat we were on. He actually said he’d like to go to another retreat, so he didn’t say he was no longer interested in this topic and had no need for outside information. He didn’t say he knew everything, or MORE than others. He never used those words.
He got completely clean from drugs (winner). He helped out his family when his mom got sick. He gave free labor to the mother of his kid when he couldn’t give her money. He’s slowly pulled himself back on his feet. He probably SHOULD advise people on mental health issues, especially those about addiction recovery.
Can you find evidence for this turnaround for the person you’re thinking of? This is a powerful exercise. Because….how would you really know all the details to be able to make a perfect, full, complete assessment of this person’s behavior? I sure didn’t at the time.
“Argue with reality, and you lose. But only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the thought around again, all to myself (instead of this person I’m projecting all over): I am an egomaniac. I think I am ultra-spiritual. I should have some humility, instead of thinking I’m better than this guy, or better than myself. Jeez! I should quit advising people (including him) on spiritual or mental-health related topics. I don’t know what I’m talking about. What a loser.
Now, I know you’re aware these turnarounds to the self should be a kiss, not a slap. This is important! Otherwise, you start getting into a sort of negative egomania, which is just as troubling (maybe worse) than the positive egomania.
So what are some examples? How could this turnaround be true?
For one thing, in the moment I’m flashing about this man and his inadequacy, I’m getting worked up into a frenzy that’s neither necessary, or helpful. I’m in favor of non-violence. Including in my mind. And yet, seem to be thinking violently.
I could adopt a little humility. Here I am trying to be ultra-spiritual and all-accepting, acting nicey-nice when actually at the time, I might have had a more honest real conversation with the man, asking him questions, finding out about what makes him tick, being curious about what he meant when he said certain things.
And it’s completely true that I shouldn’t advise anyone on matters of spirituality or mental health. They can find their own answers. I especially shouldn’t advise this guy–why can I tell him to stop giving advice when it’s OK for me to give it to him?
I should stop advising myself, too, while I’m at it. I’ve always got ideas like “meditate for an extra hour!” or “go to India!” and thinking God is going to be louder or more present if I do MORE or go somewhere or add something, later. Not here, now.
Why not try a little openness, and acceptance, about this person in the world? What if I tried a little openness, acceptance and humility about myself?
Doesn’t that feel a little sweeter than gripping the steering wheel with fury as I drive and think “JERK!” about someone?
Yes.
“Some people think that silence is more spiritual than speech, that meditation or prayer brings you closer to God than watching television or taking out the garbage. That’s the story of separation. Silence is a beautiful thing, but it’s no more beautiful than the sound of people talking. I love it when thoughts pass through my mind, and I love it when there are no thoughts. Thoughts can’t be a problem for me, because I have questioned them and seen that no thought is true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 180
That guy with the Big Mondo Ego? How is it just as beautiful as the next thing, like television, or taking out the garbage, or meditating or learning to love what is? What if I’m not really the authority–for myself most of all–on spirituality around here, and what people should or should not be doing, thinking, believing or saying around me?
They should be saying what they say.
And it’s sooooo good they said it, because I’m invited then to jump into the pool of love, all-of-life and spirituality in everything, and swim, too….rather than staring down from the high dive, full of anger and fear with arms folded across my chest.
Welcome to the end of separation.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you have agonizing thoughts about anyone else in this world, (alive or dead) then your experience is perfect for The Work. You can do this during retreat for great benefit. Questioning your thoughts doesn’t mean you’ll become a tiny passive potato. You’ll probably be more clear, and more alive, whatever this may look like for you. Connected.
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on how to question your thinking, to change the way you eat (and think) at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
Speaking of the way we think….most people with compulsions and addictive behavior, or self-defeating mannerisms of any kind like overeating, binge-eating, body image criticism, or emotional eating…experience mean thinking towards themselves.
We’ve all got judgmental and harsh voices that comment about what we’re doing.
But when this voice gets really intense, like a dictator ordering you around in a concentration camp, then you’re at war.
It’s understandable. We often believe in violence. It even works a little bit. Violent behavior leads to something happening which forces change. But it’s not permanent, and there’s a ton of loss when there’s war.
The thing is, you don’t have to attack and hate yourself in order to elicit or bring change to your ways with food, eating and your body.
In fact, what I always found, is that it increased my binge-eating or weight gain, it fueled sadness and despair and a feeling of failure, and it made things worse in the long run.
People who stop believing in their violent thinking towards themselves no longer eat violently, or diet violently with deprivation and intense control.
Try letting go of this mean voice instead, by questioning if it’s really true, and turning it around!
Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.
Spring Cleaning Retreat Kenmore, WA (a few spots left, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals) May 11-14
Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?
I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.
Almost jumping up and down actually.
There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.
One thought at a time.
The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?
The first step is identifying the problem.
It’s not so hard.
What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?
Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!
Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.
And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?
Yes.
A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.
(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!
I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.
I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).
The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.
This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.
WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.
But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.
In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.
So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.
Picture the situation.
For me, I’m reading an email.
Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?
Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.
(Little dramatization for you).
The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?
Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?
LOL.
Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.
How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?
Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.
I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.
So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?
There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.
What’s that like? How does it feel?
This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.
What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?
And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?
I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.
She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….
….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.
Him. Out.
Who would you be without your beliefs about others?
I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!
Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.
Wow, these are all just as true or truer.
He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).
I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!
Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.
I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.
How could it be otherwise?
“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie
Have you ever been plagued by a dilemma of choosing between two things?
You could go with this, or you could go with that, or you could go with this, or you could go with that. (That’s by Black Sheep in case you aren’t a 90s hip-hop fan).
But I can’t decide!!
If I say YES, I feel nervous about the hard work (for a new job for example) or I’m very anxious I’ll be trapped (like in a committed relationship) or I’m terrified I won’t survive financially (leaving a long-term marriage) or I’m worried I can’t learn the new language and I’ll be homesick (moving to another country).
Whatever happens, it COULD BE BAD!
That’s the fear, right?
I’ll have a moment where I’m uncomfortable, disappointed, angry, irritated, furious, frightened, sad, regretful.
A couple of years ago, I applied with my new husband to refinance our home, and take my former husband’s name off the loan (even though former husband and I were divorced for almost a decade, he was forever listed on the loan).
My current husband and I were turned down. Not enough income. Not enough equity.
Secretly, I thought….”good”. Don’t tell anyone.
Because isn’t it dangerous to own property with some other human? I mean, they aren’t reliable. Did you see what happened last time? Even the most steadfast, kind, loving people go ape-sh*% sometimes, do they not? One has to be careful. I’ve been directly burned, after all.
Then time went by, and the housing prices started to rise, even for this tiny cottage I live in with my husband. It seemed like the right thing to do to try to refinance again and take care of that loan–update it, get the right people responsible for it who actually live here, get the former husband off the note (he really wanted that done), make plans for my mom to move here in her aging years.
This time, the loan refinance went through. After many months of waiting and me having thoughts like “Well, if it never refinances, who cares? Not me! I’ll eventually pay it off, if possible, and it will be mine, all mine!” (Horror movie laugh of glee).
Worry, fret, anxiety.
Have you noticed, whether you’re afraid your new roommate at college will be weird, or you’re nervous your new boss will do something difficult…..there’s really only two possibilities going on here with the fretting.
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future is actually already happening (or did)
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future has not yet happened
The first thing to do in a dilemma around choosing, is to notice if it’s #1 or #2 above.
If it’s #1, then you’ve got a current worksheet to look at deeply and maybe some beautiful clear action to take, once you’ve identified and inquired into what happened, or is currently underway.
For example, let’s say you’re worried about this new project at your job and that you’ll get all the dirty grunt work assigned to you and your boss won’t respect your time limits and you’re trying to figure out if you should say something or refuse the project or what.
If you believe this will happen….how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion? Oh. Did something ALREADY occur, or maybe a whole series of things, where you’ve felt your boundaries were disrespected, and you were the one who had to do the worst part of the project?
WORKSHEET!!
Questioning your story about what already happened will probably bring you immense clarity, and your medicine for how to relax, and move forward (or even make amends to yourself, or to others) and act in a way that holds deep integrity for you and for everyone involved.
Now, as for #2 above.
You’re faced with a decision or a choice or you’re fretting about something occurring that’s never happened. Like, this new project at work will go horribly and you’ll be worked to the bone with no breaks, without recognition. And you’ve never done a project like this in your life.
Where DID you get this idea, my little grasshopper?
Someone else’s story? Hearsay? Pictures in your head of what it will look like because you read a book, or saw a movie? A friend or family member telling you their own terrible tale?
You HAD to get it from somewhere, even if you put together composites of many other stories and cut and pasted them into a brilliant future terror scene. Right?
But the most important thing to notice with #2 is….
….IT HASN’T HAPPENED.
The future has Not Yet Occurred.
So in the most basic way, we can start this kind of agonizing choice-making with this simple inquiry:
Something terrible will happen.
(And I strongly suggest finding out what you think is terrible, and identifying it clearly).
But is this true?
Are you completely sure something terrible will happen?
How about something terrible MIGHT happen?
Are you absolutely and completely sure, without a doubt, that something terrible might happen?
No. I could never absolutely “know” this. I can know nothing about the future, and what’s more is….I notice the past is not only over, it’s never precisely repeatable.
How do I react when I believe something terrible could happen?
Doubled over in anxiety, not sleeping, worried, frantic. I see pictures of other already-happened images, or pictures of scenes I invented in my head through imagination, and other peoples’ stories.
So who would you be without this thought that something terrible could happen, in the future….whether in the dilemma you’re contemplating, or anywhere at all?
What if you just could not conceive of that thought? What if you could not believe this thought was the truth? What if you forgot about this thought, for a minute?
Who would you actually be? WHAT would you be?
Huh.
What would I be. Hmmm.
I’d be sitting here. I’d be….I have no idea. I’d be a person, looking around, flashing images in my head without believing a single one. I’d be noticing this Big Decision is maybe not all that important, to be honest.
I’d be feeling sweet, right now, right here. Quiet fan blowing heat into the room. Darkness outside the window. Wind chimes tinkling on the porch.
No urgency. No emergency. No freaking out, or depression. Just contentedly here. No serious worry about loss, or gain.
Nothing required.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: something wonderful will happen.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
Wow.
“Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Your unquestioned thoughts about life lead you to believe that there’s something out of order, and that can never be true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
You were lured, manipulated, hooked, seduced…..What happens when you believe this is possible? A scary story. But remember, it’s a story.
The first Friday inquiry jam, where people can connect via phone or internet from anywhere in the world, was so powerful just a few days ago (mark your calendar for First Friday of April 7:45 am PT, we’ll do it again).
We began as always with everyone filling out their own Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful situation, some exchange or moment in time where something happened unpleasant. Something disturbed us. Something felt off, or scary, or sad.
Someone raised their hand (you get to push *2 and I see the alert on my computer). This lovely inquirer said she has so many moments where she felt anxious or upset….where should she begin?
Great question.
I’ve had a few of those people or moments in my life (OK, more than a few) where it felt like the same “problem” was reoccurring over and over. Or the same dilemma, or same uncomfortable conversation.
The best thing I know to do is to really freeze frame only one of those moments in time, and hold very still with it as you write down your judgments about that situation, without one single ounce of editing yourself. Be childish, critical, petty, ridiculous.
What moment should you choose, you ask?
Why, the one where you felt the most fear, intensity, sadness, rage, fury, irritation, or hurt. That one. Where the scene of the crime was The Worst.
I found, if I go back to that one, and write everything I believe that’s stressful down, about that one moment….
….then the following or other moments that “weren’t so bad by comparison” will also fall into place. (And if they don’t, you can still do The Work on them).
This movement into The Worst moment takes some courage sometimes. Because you might remember a moment that’s really, really painful. It can stir you up.
So take a very deep breath, and remember first that you’re past that moment, now. You’re safe in your chair, as you write down the thoughts. Even if the event happened yesterday, you’ve got a little break. You can give yourself this quiet space for a moment.
Not long ago I had an old flame who reappeared in my life after many years away. The relationship had spanned maybe four months grand total when it happened in real life, but I actually thought of that relationship while watching the movie LaLa Land.
Oh no, not him again. Really?
So much work on that person, a long time ago. I thought it was all squared away. But just running into him at a coffee shop made me feel sort of nauseated, and nervous. I felt jumpy, like I needed to get out of there and like I also wanted to connect and find out all about his life.
Intrigue. Mystery. Drama.
Danger Danger! (Did you hear the back-up sound of loud beeping and the red lights flashing? That’s a huge truck. Heading backwards. Meaning, the driver probably doesn’t know you’re standing right there in the middle of the alley. MOVE!!!!!)
I went home feeling kind of shaken and sad, remembering the feeling of almost being run over. Seeing pictures of being very frightened many times in that relationship, feeling nervous and pushed and chaotically excited (like when you’re on a roller coaster) and confused and never relaxed.
And then annoyed. Because I received an email from him asking to get together like it would be the easiest and most normal thing to do in the world. Not a hey, would you want to get together to have a truly honest talk about your perspective of what happened in that very tumultuous, difficult, awful time back then….but an invitation to go to a show and hang out.
What?
Somehow, I’m thinking we weren’t in the same relationship. He had his idea of what it was like. I had mine.
And here came the stressful thoughts: He should see how crazy-time the interactions were between us in the long-distant past. He should wake up. He should quit acting like an addict….someone who blacks-out the bad times and screams it-was-the-best-thing-ever about the good times. He should stop being so grabby. Desperate. He should stop thinking that relationship was fun. Or desirable. It wasn’t.
Oh man.
Dang it.
I have to do The Work on this? Again? After all these years? Seriously?
But I knew not to start in with the criticism of myself about it all.
Because self-criticism, guilt, or shame is a cover-up and a dark alley you can easily get stuck in (if you’re like me) and fogs out deeper understanding of the actual situation. It’s like a distraction to a different shiny object, a very painful shiny object. But a distraction nevertheless.
“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done. This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
OK. Fine.
So here’s where the invitation comes in to go back to a very troubling moment, The Worst troubling moment, rather than this recent coincidental meeting which stirred things up.
I sat down, closed my eyes, and opened up to revisiting the difficult details, and seeing what still lived within my mind about it.
I was shocked.
Judge Your Neighbor worksheet:
I am enraged with him because he sucked me into his life, and lied about the dark truth, mental illness, alcoholism and neediness behind his fake captivating personality.
I want him to apologize, instead of saying he did nothing wrong.
He should grow up, get professional help, do The Work, understand how much he terrified me.
In order to be happy, I need him to confess he almost ruined my life because of his selfish and false desires, because of his desperation for attention and love.
He is an addict, a liar, sick, dangerous, stalker, angry, disgusting.
I don’t ever want to fall prey to a love con game again. I don’t ever want to be involved with someone who attempts suicide and is mentally ill.
OK then.
Sigh.
Just your run-of-the-mill everyday worksheet on a light chance encounter at a coffee shop. (Not).
The wonderful thing is now, I can take every single one of these concepts through the four questions and turnarounds. It doesn’t matter if it takes several months, or if I really go for it and do one a day. (I’m not the all-in-one-sitting type. Too much effort, too much to digest all at once. But nothing wrong with it if you DO like doing a whole worksheet in one sitting. Go for it!)
If you have a person you’ve thought of as needing to be rescued from themselves or their own thinking, or someone who manipulated or overwhelmed you….then join me now.
Let’s do The Work!
Starting from the top. Picture that person who drew you in, demanded a response, forced you to react, made you feel “x”. You’re a victim of their behavior. They neeeeeeeeeed you. They don’t let up. They’re high maintenance.
I’ve had sales pitches that felt this way. Organizations. Groups. Programs. Religions.
He sucked me into his life.
Is it true?
Yes. I was just innocently being me, standing there, and….
Answer the question.
He sucked you in, can you ABSOLUTELY KNOW this is true?
No.
I saw no vacuum cleaner. No one had a knife. All that happened is conversations, time spent together, then time ending together, honestly.
No one forced me to do it.
How do you react when you believe you were sucked in, to anything?
Angry! Furious! Fist shaking! They did it to me! I was an innocent bystander! Mad at myself for not saying “no” 1000 times sooner!
So who would you be without this very painful story that you got sucked in?
You could apply the very same thought to a compulsive addictive behavior. The food compulsion sucked you in. The drugs, the alcohol, those people. You didn’t know what hit you.
Who would I be without the belief this guy sucked me in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world?
Oh. Hmmm.
I’d notice I’m separate from him. Very. I have a world that doesn’t intersect much with this other person’s world. This is one small encounter, out of my whole life. I am not “sucked” into anything terrible.
Without the thought, I feel safer, calmer, relaxed. I’m back in my own business, feet solidly on the ground, feeling the earth and noticing how in that situation, I knew when to no longer engage.
There was no emergency.
Without the thought, I’m noticing how nothing truly terrible happened. No one died. I even went to work, went about my own life. The worst that happened, honestly, were my thoughts. No gigantic octopi descended upon me, I definitely wasn’t “sucked”.
Turning the thought around: he didn’t suck me in. I sucked him in. I sucked myself in.
Oh. Wow. Yikes.
How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?
I sucked him in, by telling him of my worries about life (which weren’t really true) and my love dreams (which were unrealistic) and by answering every question he asked, and by writing long involved emails to him early on. I sucked him in by asking him tons of questions about his childhood.
I sucked myself in by believing I could help, even when things began to get revealed and the true (not fake) stories started getting uncovered. I sucked myself in with worry, anxiety and feeling torn. I sucked myself in by closing my eyes to some weird behavior and pretending it was OK with me. I sucked myself in by not speaking up, or telling my own inner truth.
I even sucked myself in by swinging from bubbly attraction, to disgust, rather than feeling the solid awareness of a centered, sane, kind approach to seeing the truth. I sucked myself in to my own story of what I hoped would happen….and then sucked myself in to extreme and deep disappointment that it didn’t. I forgot my own clarity, and strength.
I sucked myself in to his agony, mental illness, his need for rescuing, his sick world…I sucked myself into my own agony, my own mental illness, my need to rescue, my sick world of believing in sick worlds.
“You are alive only in your own imagination as the thing you think you are. The story we have of ourselves is so seductive….Don’t be waiting for “next”. There is no “next”. It is enough that you are here. The more you are able to bring your attention to that which is, you will find your silence, your peace. You will discover your inherent harmony, your natural joy.” ~ Mooji
I sucked myself into a dramatic vortex of believing there was a hook. A dangerous hook, in this world. Called another human with a “big” needy personality. Who was a fish that bit the hook? That would be me.
Only, that’s not what really happened.
He did not suck me in to anything. He delivered me. He set me free from believing in emergencies, from thinking it would be awful to say “no”. From tantalizing, enmeshed relationship where I believe I’m far more important than necessary. He showed me that even when someone attempts suicide, they can live, and so can I. He showed me how wonderful my own company is, how peaceful and quiet, all by myself. How glorious.
I told a story.
And it’s completely over right now.
I see what is. Thank you.
“The thing about the past? It’s over.” ~ Byron Katie
Sometimes, when you want it to be another way….not the way it is….the sense of discouragement is awful.
I’ll never get there.
I can’t do this.
Nothing ever works.
I’ll be an overeater or a binge-eater forever.
I’ll never be a thin person.
I give up.
But can you really know that it’s true that you aren’t on a path to peace? To liberation?
You’re here, reading this, aren’t you?
Who would you be without the story that this learning process, or un-learning process, is taking too long? Who would you be without your stressful beliefs about yourself, and what a compulsive person you are, or how difficult your mind or your thoughts are to deal with?
Who would you be, right here in this moment, without the belief this situation is never going to be ideal, or over?
Recently an eating peace inquirer was saying she feels she’s made progress with losing her diet mentality (on the wagon, off the wagon type thinking), but wants to lose more weight.
As she continues investigating her thoughts, and even looking very specifically at what she’s eating and what she might tone down or reduce, without deprivation, I know she’ll find new awareness.
At one point in my journey of healing, I remember thinking I would never ever be over this horrible binge-eating problem. But then, as I connected with mentors, went into group therapy, learned to talk with people very honestly, risked being myself very naturally (the best I could at the time) and committed deeply to a life of peace and freedom….
….I noticed I returned again, even after a binge or turmoiled eating, to feeling open to studying what happened, and a willingness to stop being so terrified of change.
I’d also find calm again. I was never at the peak of horrible stuffing in of food all day, every day. Good to notice.
One day, I realized it had been awhile since my last restriction/self-starvation day and my last binge-eating day. The gaps got bigger between episodes, between the stress or isolation.
They got bigger, and wider, and bigger and wider and then one day, I knew I could promise to myself at the deepest level “I will never binge again” and know it was true. Even if I had the urge, or felt fear, I just knew I wouldn’t.
It was nothing like all the previous promises to stay on the diet or control myself or use willpower to force any cravings underground.
This was more like a knowing, a commitment, a depth of certainty that I didn’t have to follow any craving, or act on it, or be so threatened by anything in my life that the only option was to eat.
Watch today as I speak about this idea of being “done” with the obsession, and share a poem I remembered from just about the time of my very last binge (it was written in 1988).
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on How to do The Work of Byron Katie on eating, weight, body image and cravings at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
View your situation, without the thought I should look or be different, when it comes to the body.
This week in Year of Inquiry, we started our Month #7 together on a very profound topic: the body.
The body brings so much stress and painful thinking, it seems.
It gets sick, gets hurt, gets old. We have thoughts and beliefs about what it can give us (a partner, love, pleasure, attraction). We have beliefs about what could be taken away, or what we might lose.
In many ways, the body gives us every single kind of stressful possibility we could ever believe in about the universe and about life (and death). The body can be threatened, harmed, or gone.
There seems to be a really clear list of pros and cons about the body, right?
I’m in favor of the Pro List! I hate the Con List!
The thing is, when you believe these without a single question about whether they’re true….you can live an entire life on planet earth trying to manipulate, push, press on, get, grab and demand the Pro List.
Anti-aging programs, special fitness regimes, the right fashion, face-lifts, surgery, gym workouts, control, willpower, diets, money spent, fear, exhaustion, fighting.
I need to have the “Pro” list of things at all times, or at least die trying.
How do you react, though, when you believe you must do everything you possibly can to remain….healthy and alive and attractive?
Oy.
Very anxious.
Upset when looking in the mirror and seeing wrinkles, or flab, or cellulite, or pimples, or the “wrong” hair, race, age, gender.
Horribly frightened when getting a diagnosis of cancer, or another disease, or when I have an accident and lose an arm, or break an ankle.
These things happen constantly in the world, in life, and yet we freak out like they aren’t supposed to happen, like we’re SHOCKED.
I’ll never forget the moment when I came back to the doctor to get my biopsy stitches removed. Only four. It was a small weird looking bump on my thigh. I hardly thought about it for the week I had to wait for results.
But the doctor came in and removed the stitches and said “looks like it’s healing well. How about we talk about this after you get dressed again? I’ll come back in just a few minutes.”
Wait.
We have to “talk” about this?
A massive shot of adrenaline coursed through my system. Could this be cancer or something? What’s going on? Brain kicked into gear, pulling on pants very fast, opening the door to say “OK, I’m ready!” Heart racing as I hear the doctor’s steps return down the hall and the sound of the clunk of her grabbing my chart out of the wall-holder again.
The bump we biopsied was actually a cancerous tumor. A sarcoma. You’ll need to get the whole thing removed.
Now, this wasn’t that big of a deal in so many ways. I had surgery during only 2 hours, in a day clinic not a hospital, and had 50 stitches this time. But it was the kind of cancer, they reported, that rarely if ever moves through the rest of the body. In other words, the whole thing got chopped out, and it was over. I told people I had a fight with a pirate.
Except…..in the mind, of course.
In the mind, I went through the surgery about 148 times, give or take a few. Scenes would flash in my head: smoke rising from the devices they use to stop the bleeding, feeling the stings of many numbing injections with huge needles into the thigh, hearing the voices of the surgeon and nurses, looking up at the dotted ceiling, my mom coming in to help me walk out at the end with a completely numb leg.
Flash, flash, flash. Like lightbulbs going off repeating the events, over and over.
How did I react with the belief I need the PRO List in order to be happy, when this is not on the Pro List….this is on the Con List?
Angry. Frightened. Wondering how much more time I have. Wondering what age I’ll die at. Wondering if I’ll get cancer again, only worse. Thinking I should eat more broccoli.
Some people report when they get “bad” news of any kind in this body department, they prefer to hide. Not only do I need to survive, but I need to do it looking good, so if I can’t look good or calm or easy-going or peaceful, I’ll stay home!
So who would you actually be, without the belief you need it to be any kind of way in this body, in order to be happy?
Wait. What the….? You mean….?
Yes.
What if you really did not need it to be any other way that it is, in order to be happy?
What if….and this is really getting into wild uncharted territory….what if what was happening, was actually offering something incredible for my development, or my awareness?
What if what was happening was….interesting, good, had a benefit, or an advantage?
I’ve had the privilege of doing The Work with people from time to time on cancer or other terminal or difficult diseases.
They are incredible people. They can sit with their bodies, as they are, and open themselves up to wondering who they’d be without their stressful thoughts, their war, against cancer.
What if no war was necessary?
I noticed I still had the tumor cut out. Bye bye.
But there’s this strange feeling of excitement about watching this body and this life handle it. Not collapse, or remain terrified every moment of the day. Even with 148 reviews of the operation. Those reviews faded away, and vanished, with The Work.
As the Year of Inquiry group started this month of work on The Body, people had such magnificent worksheets to begin their investigations: Men don’t like women who are fat, They are threatening me because of race, The crick in my neck ALWAYS hurts.
Wow.
Turning the thought around: Having the body be like the PRO list is not required for happiness, or peace.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, I’ve had many happy moments since my tumor got cut off. LOL. And my skin is getting more wrinkling every day, and I injured myself badly several years ago, my back aches sometimes, and my right toe is going hammerhead….but I can find how wonderful this all is. I barely think about any of this.
I don’t have to stay here on planet earth forever. This is temporary. I’ll move along at some point, like everyone else.
I’ve slowed down. I don’t feel the need to go running for miles everyday like I once did. I have time for meditation.
These challenges gave me the invitation to surrender, to shift something at a profoundly deep level.
As one inquirer recently shared with me, who has stage 4 cancer, there is nothing in this world or lifetime that would be more perfect for her for teaching her to open her hands in gratitude, and letting go of control, than having cancer.
Amazing. Amazing.
“Use your imagination to give yourself a glimpse of who or what you would be without this thought. Don’t look for a better thought to substitute for the painful one. Just live for awhile in the space that opens up when you view your situation without the old thought. What would that be like?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need You Love–Is That True?
