If you think you HAVE TO, you don’t.

Such a difficult belief!

People think this all the time and it fills them with dread, anxiety, fury, even rage.

I have to go to my stupid job, I have to lose weight, I have to quit smoking, I have to clean this mess, I have to figure out my relationship status, I have to go away, I have to take care of him, I have to find my keys.

Is it actually true, that you have to do this in order to be happy?

Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we were looking closely. One of our group members was answering the four questions (although everyone is always doing The Work right alongside whoever’s talking, it’s a shared group call in inquiry).

Her feeling was that she HAD to lose weight and get to the weight she has in her mind that she knows will make her happy. She was happy once before at that weight.

You might have this about something else having to do with the body. If only I looked younger, didn’t have this illness, didn’t have this injury.

Or what about working? I used to think non-stop about career, job and money that the only way to make it happen was to suffer and get to the office every day. No creativity, no power, no contribution…just do what they say.

You have to.

But are you sure?

Do you really absolutely have to, to achieve happiness? Are you being forced? Are you like a prisoner, trapped in this dynamic?

No.

How do you react when you think you HAVE TO?

I resent. I fume. I feel I will need to sacrifice in order to get happiness. I can’t be relaxed, peaceful, clear and totally free. Freedom is nowhere in sight. I’m stuck.

Who would you be if you really did not have this thought?

This is an incredible thought to question. What if you never thought “I have to…..” with any stress, concern, anxiety, or resentment?

I notice I don’t ever have the thought “I have to breathe” during any day. Yet I do have to, in order to stay alive. But I’m not concerned.

Only if I feel a threat to getting air and breathing would I ever have the idea that I HAVE TO breathe (and I could question that).

So it feels to me like this have-to thought enters the mind when there’s concern for survival. I am threatened in some way, so I think I have to do something, because otherwise….no safety. I’ll lose something, I’ll suffer, I’ll hurt, I’ll die.

But what if we really didn’t have the thought in a backdrop of needing to survive, or be protected or safe?

What if it wasn’t a HAVE TO like someone yelling at you in an emergency?

I look around in this moment, listening, feeling this room, feeling the life force living me. No need to do anything, even though I am noticing the clock and realize I will leave in a car soon to go dance. I don’t have to, though.

I notice with my body, I don’t have to eat the “correct” way OR eat an off-balance way. I don’t have to smoke, or ingest something. I don’t have to get up out of the chair.

I can wait.

I can take the easy way, the way where “I” do not have to do anything all by myself but instead the universe/reality and I are together in this deal.

‘I have to go to the bathroom’ is not a stressful thought if I’m happy about where this bathroom thing might lead. Do I ask someone where the bathrooms are? Will I walk several blocks to find a bathroom? Will I feel the sensation of bladder filling up and follow the simple directions?

What if going to work, losing weight, responding to someone’s request, being free is a matter of following the simple directions? No making this so stressful and complicated, or feeling like a victim in the middle of a huge oppressive world?

I do not HAVE TO.

My thinking “has to”….work, lose weight, stop smoking, leave, stay (fill in the blank of the thing you believe you have to do).

“If it hurts, it’s your thinking that’s hurting you. Nothing else is possible. In my experience, there’s no exception to this. I am responsible for my own freedom, totally.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace