Tag: have to

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You have to do it….is that really true?

I’m in my quiet small living room, a slow hum of a rare fan for blowing in cool air after a hot summer day with clear skies.

I just turned my head up, looked out the big window from my couch, and saw the bright moon.

About 3/4 full.

A white bulb in the dark blue-black sky.

Low sounds of faint cheers are coming from where my husband sits through an open door in another room.

Chicago Bulls from the 1990s again. 

(This is so fascinating and cute to me. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched Chicago Bulls even one time).

The evening is quiet, slow, summer.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

Except.

I might be taking this a little too far.

Because aren’t I supposed to be working on my business daily? Writing? Planning? Organizing? Podcasting?

Getting ready for Year of Inquiry in September, and Eating Peace Immersion in October?

Surely I haven’t done enough today. Not anywhere near enough.

There’s a shed to re-fill with sorted boxes, my car to wash, a table to paint wood sealer on, weeding.

Jeez. That voice.

The Do-er.

What if none of that is necessary at all, unless I just happen to feel like doing it?

This morning a woman in Eating Peace Basics shared that she’s somewhat confused, doesn’t feel half the time like she’s getting it, and felt like bolting or quitting the first few weeks of the class…

…and yet here she was on another call.

Showing up.

Present. With questions, uncertainty, wondering.

We even do this with The Work itself, or any other modality as soon as we start to think it’s “good” for us.

I’ve had this thought about life itself.

We think “I’m not getting it” or “I’m behind!” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to do more, surely. Much, much more”.

And as soon as we’re thinking we should do more of this and less of that other thing, the shoulds, shouldn’ts, wants, have to’s, need to’s, musts, won’ts come flying in…

I notice when so much shouting happens, it’s hard to find the quiet in the background, underneath it all.

It’s hard to remember the simple joy and need to rest the mind, pause, look around, breathe deep, listen.

If the world was trying to catch my attention in those DO DO DO moments, that is not exactly a two-way comfortable conversation with reality.

Know what I mean?

We have to do stuff.

Is it true?

Who would we be without this story?

Free to do it or not do it.

Enjoying doing it, or enjoying not doing it.

Sharing a group interested in looking at thought and wondering about Not Thinking and what is here besides the mind….moving on with an hour, an evening, a moment.

Simply being willing. 

Nothing required here.

Not even to be willing, actually.

Woman sitting on summer night in pacific northwest, with moon beaming into window, turning back to computer and typing. Slowly. Not concerned with finishing, and noticing a magnificence of this moment.

Not tired for some weird reason, even though the clock just passed 11pm now.

Nothing happened that was “big”.

There was no cockroach, I didn’t just do The Work in writing, no jolt hit me, no sudden dawn of recognition.

But I noticed I was happy.

Mind says “oh, you can’t really be ‘happy’ right now.

Remember the stuff you need to do? Your child and their worries? The virus? The unfinished shed project? Business updates? The email-sending tech problem?

Remember tomorrow you need to take the computer to the repair store and blah, blah, blah?

For a second, I bet you could do it too.

What if you were just…happy?

If your mind says…oh no. That couldn’t be true.

Why not?

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes…even with all that’s happened or happening.

Even with that.

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success…..What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is.  When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice when I don’t “have to” I still might “do”.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry begins next month. NEW format for the year. Updates coming soon to the website (not there yet though–apparently the updates do not “have to” be done today). Can’t wait to meet those who will travel together sharing The Work and finding who we are without our stories, have-to’s, musts, or suffering….

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Eating Peace: I HAVE TO eat. Let’s do The Work on this stressful belief!

In the moment we begin craving, we start believing “I have to eat”.

It could even be we have the thought “I have to eat” out of constant repetitive habit of doing this in the past….and then we begin to crave eating.

The craving gets bigger.

Then, it feels the only way to end this horrible craving, is to eat.

I’m against the craving! I hate the craving! I must end it, overpower it, switch the channel.

Self-inquiry at a very deep level is one way you’ll truly meet your craving, your compulsion to eat.

So let’s do it today. I share the process of inquiry here on this simple and very stressful thought “I have to eat!” (You can substitute anything here, for the word “eat”).

Turnaround Three: I have to inquire.

What else is the mind thinking, what other underlying beliefs are present in your experience of sharing the world with food and a body that eats? What are you afraid of? Or sad about?

These are other beautiful questions that appear under the thought “I have to eat”. The awareness of disturbed feelings under the surface that just want a little comfort.

Inquiry will comfort them more than food. Really! Find out for yourself.

Much love, Grace

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If you think you HAVE TO, you don’t.

You have to, must, ought to, should. Who would you be without this violent story?

Well for some reason beyond me a new Peace Talk podcast has just emerged. Peace Talk is a short (10ish mins) podcast on inquiry, and the joy of questioning pain and suffering.

The thought I’m sharing, so very worth questioning?

I HAVE TO…(work, be nice, give, say yes, leave, stay, lose weight)!!

Such a difficult belief!

People think this all the time and it fills them with dread, anxiety, fury, even rage.

I have to go to my stupid job, I have to lose weight, I have to quit smoking, I have to clean this mess, I have to figure out my relationship status, I have to go away, I have to take care of him, I have to find my keys.

Is it actually true, that you have to do this in order to be happy?

Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we were looking closely. One of our group members was answering the four questions (although everyone is always doing The Work right alongside whoever’s talking, it’s a shared group call in inquiry).

Her feeling was that she HAD to lose weight and get to the weight she has in her mind that she knows will make her happy. She was happy once before at that weight.

You might have this about something else having to do with the body. If only I looked younger, didn’t have this illness, didn’t have this injury.

Or what about working? I used to think non-stop about career, job and money that the only way to make it happen was to suffer and get to the office every day. No creativity, no power, no contribution…just do what they say.

You have to.

But are you sure?

Do you really absolutely have to, to achieve happiness? Are you being forced? Are you like a prisoner, trapped in this dynamic?

No.

How do you react when you think you HAVE TO?

I resent. I fume. I feel I will need to sacrifice in order to get happiness. I can’t be relaxed, peaceful, clear and totally free. Freedom is nowhere in sight. I’m stuck.

Who would you be if you really did not have this thought?

This is an incredible thought to question. What if you never thought “I have to…..” with any stress, concern, anxiety, or resentment?

I notice I don’t ever have the thought “I have to breathe” during any day. Yet I do have to, in order to stay alive. But I’m not concerned.

Only if I feel a threat to getting air and breathing would I ever have the idea that I HAVE TO breathe (and I could question that).

So it feels to me like this have-to thought enters the mind when there’s concern for survival. I am threatened in some way, so I think I have to do something, because otherwise….no safety. I’ll lose something, I’ll suffer, I’ll hurt, I’ll die.

But what if we really didn’t have the thought in a backdrop of needing to survive, or be protected or safe?

What if it wasn’t a HAVE TO like someone yelling at you in an emergency?

I look around in this moment, listening, feeling this room, feeling the life force living me. No need to do anything, even though I am noticing the clock and realize I will leave in a car soon to go dance. I don’t have to, though.

I notice with my body, I don’t have to eat the “correct” way OR eat an off-balance way. I don’t have to smoke, or ingest something. I don’t have to get up out of the chair.

I can wait.

I can take the easy way, the way where “I” do not have to do anything all by myself but instead the universe/reality and I are together in this deal.

‘I have to go to the bathroom’ is not a stressful thought if I’m happy about where this bathroom thing might lead. Do I ask someone where the bathrooms are? Will I walk several blocks to find a bathroom? Will I feel the sensation of bladder filling up and follow the simple directions?

What if going to work, losing weight, responding to someone’s request, being free is a matter of following the simple directions? No making this so stressful and complicated, or feeling like a victim in the middle of a huge oppressive world?

I do not HAVE TO.

My thinking “has to”….work, lose weight, stop smoking, leave, stay (fill in the blank of the thing you believe you have to do).

“If it hurts, it’s your thinking that’s hurting you. Nothing else is possible. In my experience, there’s no exception to this. I am responsible for my own freedom, totally.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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I HAVE TO to get ready….is it true?

You "have to" do stuff to get ready.... are you absolutely sure it's true you can't relax in this moment?
You “have to” do stuff to get ready….are you absolutely sure it’s true you can’t relax in this moment?

It’s one of those quiet, gray, warm early mornings in the Pacific Northwest where I live.

I love how no one else is awake in the house.

I hear the hum of the refrigerator, and the high strange chirping call of an eagle way up high in a tree in the neighbor’s back yard.

This is so peaceful.

And later on, twelve people + are coming over for what is called a barbecue. It’s my son’s birthday, he’s turning 22.

I wish it was going to stay quiet like this, right now, all day long. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t be doing anything except reading, writing, continuing to clean out the shed (which spontaneously started happening yesterday, my car now packed with items to go to Goodwill).

Having people over means….you have to tidy up, clean, plan, shop, buy, cook, prepare, welcome, greet, talk, share, clean, wash. We say we’re “entertaining” guests. The goal is people are delighted, entertained, enjoying themselves.

[Daughter just entered the room, going to the bathroom and getting a glass of water before returning to bed for a few more hours, we said a few words, I had to stop writing for a minute.]

OK, back to silence….where was I?

Oh yeah, thinking about entertaining people. And being interrupted. And not feeling spontaneous, or free to do whatever I want.

I “have to” do, respond, answer a question, talk, entertain, deal with others, clean, prepare….is it true?

Not really.

I sit here. The world happens around me, full of life. I appear to be full of life as well. Heart beating. Fingers typing. Clock ticking. Thought happening. People moving here and there, into this house, out of this house.

It’s really not that big of a deal.

But what happens with that part of me believing I “have to” do stuff because people are coming over later, or I “have to” do stuff because a group is gathering together to watch Byron Katie live for four days starting Saturday, or I “have to” go buy a cake, or I “have to” enjoy a nice workout before other “have-to’s” kick in.

Ugh. How I react is I want to escape. I start thinking things like “by tomorrow, it will all be over”. Or “thank God this is a small gathering” or “do we have everything?” and running through the check list repeatedly.

When I believe I “have to” (see list) I feel trapped. So much to DO. I feel a sense of urgency. Quick Quick Quick!

With this belief, I begin to dream of quitting everything, and sitting in a cave somewhere, and no longer having email.

Strangely, and you may think this is kinda weird, but I even begin to think of the sweet mysterious unencumbered wild unknown of death, of moving on out of this body into another world, where no “have to’s” exist.

I love how far the mind goes with things. It has the idea that the only way to uninterrupted, unencumbered silence and liberation, is to no longer be alive in this world having to DEAL with what’s here.

LOL.

So who would I be without the story that I have to do anything? That in nine hours people will be coming to celebrate? That “I” have to do stuff? That in five days I must be entirely prepared for the group arriving to watch Katie together (there’s another list for THAT event)?

Wow.

Suddenly, imagining what it would be like without a future. None.

Watching a spider scurry across the wooden floor. Noticing the peace of this moment. Closing my eyes for a long pause between writing these words, drinking in wind chimes gently singing from the front porch, and silence.

[Door opens, husband comes out of room in bathrobe stretching and yawning, sits next to me for a moment on the couch. Without the thought I am being interrupted, or this shouldn’t be happening, I’m relaxed, I’m open].

Without any thoughts of the future or any “have to”, nine hours from now or five days from now, I notice the outdoors beckoning, and the joy of this inquiry, and the curiosity of opening to whatever will happen.

Something lets go, feels spacious.

We start again. This moment. At zero. No expectations, no knowing what will happen next.

“You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems. If you want to achieve a healthy state of being, stop asking your mind to do this. Just relieve your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside. Your mind is not qualified for that job. Fire it, and let go of your inner problems instead. You can have a different relationship with your mind. Whenever it starts up telling you what you should or shouldn’t do in order to get the world to match your preconceived concepts, don’t listen.” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief in “I have to do stuff, to be ready for…” I feel a looseness opening, something un-gripping itself. Even laughter.

Absolutely nothing required for an event to be a “good” one. Noticing nothing is happening right now, in this moment.

What are you “doing” today?

I hope you find some relaxing sweetness inside, while you “do” it, before you “do” it, after you “do” it.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. there is still space if you’d like to come watch Byron Katie with others. You don’t have to come to all 4 days–you can log in on your own (no extra charge) for at least 2 or 3 days on your own until August 31st and watch segments you want to repeat. This log-in time is included in the $165 for sharing this event. To join us, sign up here.