Sometimes, when you want it to be another way….not the way it is….the sense of discouragement is awful.
I’ll never get there.
I can’t do this.
Nothing ever works.
I’ll be an overeater or a binge-eater forever.
I’ll never be a thin person.
I give up.
But can you really know that it’s true that you aren’t on a path to peace? To liberation?
You’re here, reading this, aren’t you?
Who would you be without the story that this learning process, or un-learning process, is taking too long? Who would you be without your stressful beliefs about yourself, and what a compulsive person you are, or how difficult your mind or your thoughts are to deal with?
Who would you be, right here in this moment, without the belief this situation is never going to be ideal, or over?
Recently an eating peace inquirer was saying she feels she’s made progress with losing her diet mentality (on the wagon, off the wagon type thinking), but wants to lose more weight.
As she continues investigating her thoughts, and even looking very specifically at what she’s eating and what she might tone down or reduce, without deprivation, I know she’ll find new awareness.
At one point in my journey of healing, I remember thinking I would never ever be over this horrible binge-eating problem. But then, as I connected with mentors, went into group therapy, learned to talk with people very honestly, risked being myself very naturally (the best I could at the time) and committed deeply to a life of peace and freedom….
….I noticed I returned again, even after a binge or turmoiled eating, to feeling open to studying what happened, and a willingness to stop being so terrified of change.
I’d also find calm again. I was never at the peak of horrible stuffing in of food all day, every day. Good to notice.
One day, I realized it had been awhile since my last restriction/self-starvation day and my last binge-eating day. The gaps got bigger between episodes, between the stress or isolation.
They got bigger, and wider, and bigger and wider and then one day, I knew I could promise to myself at the deepest level “I will never binge again” and know it was true. Even if I had the urge, or felt fear, I just knew I wouldn’t.
It was nothing like all the previous promises to stay on the diet or control myself or use willpower to force any cravings underground.
This was more like a knowing, a commitment, a depth of certainty that I didn’t have to follow any craving, or act on it, or be so threatened by anything in my life that the only option was to eat.
Watch today as I speak about this idea of being “done” with the obsession, and share a poem I remembered from just about the time of my very last binge (it was written in 1988).
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on How to do The Work of Byron Katie on eating, weight, body image and cravings at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
Much love,
Grace